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Alright here?? (ask me next week)

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So this was me yesterday.  Wasn’t even in class FFS!  But after a shite night of little sleep (I was sat on back doorstep at 1:30am just watching the solar lights change colour and wondering why only one of my pink flamingo lights was lit up, and other such important questions) I was a donkey woman on the edge!

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No specific trigger to yet another meltdown. Just had a surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear of all sorts really.  Too crap/old/stupid to do my job. What a waste of space I was in all areas etc. blah di blah di yada yada. Usual black dog bullshit that sneaks up and fucks you in the brain with its big dick of depreciation and doubt at stupid o clock,  when you should be sleeping like a sensible person, with sensible thoughts, instead of thinking that it wouldn’t be completely unfortunate if you just died in your sleep. In fact it might be a blessing for everyone.

Of course we know that this is just lunacy talking – a spiteful crow pecking your head in with lies.  But when you’re overtired like a toddler and have a propensity for regret, self loathing and gloom, those pecks can dig in.  Especially after midnight on a work night.

Essentially, what happened then, after dragging my long face around the building all morning, going about my official business, was that someone said those magic words.  The opener of floodgates.  The key.  

   “Are you okay love?”

…and so it began…

FFS!

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There is though….

 

Cue, tissues and sympathy in the office surrounded by Management.  

Bejebus!

Nothing like a lunch on your wedding anniversary with your hub and a reality check of an episode of ‘DIY SOS‘ to put life in perspective a bit though.

Today I have had further meetings – agreements have been reached, schedules rearranged and I feel less like a woman on one of those edge of the kerb moments.  Although today I forgot lots of names and have just had a blue with Bman over what my working week will look like next week because he is convinced I said something different to what I think I said. Have written it down and stuck it on the calendar to avoid further altercation or confusion.

I need to get out of the house. My head is shredded.

The bathroom dude is doing a great job thus far on the smallest room in the house, but the dust and noise is not helping my already fractured nerves.  Funny how much you can suddenly need a piss when you can’t go for one too!

So this weekend will mostly be spent watching Glastonbury on TV and not having a wash in festival goer solidarity.

So to anyone else out there, off their nut, the overthinkers, the whackjobs, insomniacs, the fragile of mind and the emotionally handicapped, the lonely, sexually frustrated or unhappy – have a good weekend.  Stay alive (if anything just to annoy everyone else.)

Remember this:- (sent to me last night by a good friend)

🙂

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Ciao ciao Xx

 

Farewell cruddy old bathroom.

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Our bathroom is getting refurbished. Stripped back to the brickwork. Hottest week of the year – what were we thinking?  Dust everywhere. No door. Toilet is at least still insitu but I have to say that the image of Bman sat butt naked on the loo, like a Bottecelli angel taking a shit, isn’t for everyone.  Am thinking of replacing the door with a string curtain made entirely from those air freshening Magic Trees you see in taxis.
It’s going to be a testing time for the next week but it’ll be worth it in the end. At least I’m not 7 months pregnant like last time it was done.  Had to go for a wee every 20 minutes in a bucket in the shed!  At one point, the door blew open and I was revealed in all my rotund splendour to the neighbours.!  Also a sight not to everyone’s tastes.

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     I’ve fired up the solar powered camping shower to hang from a tree in the garden but I can’t see the childerbeast going for it.  They may have to resort to using the bathrooms at school.  I’ve already warned my next door neighbour but one that I may be round on Friday morning for a shit and a shower.  Not sure that was what Brendon Cox had in mind for his concept of a neighbourly get together, but nothing breaks the ice like rocking up on the doorstep with a loo roll in one hand and a newspaper in the other, wearing nothing but a bath towel and a smile!

Ciao Ciao Xx

Love letter to my 1st born

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On this day 14 years ago, my first offspring appeared in the world. 3 weeks early, looking a little Simpsonesque with a yellowy tinge & still covered with a fine downy covering of hair all over her little body.

My mellow bird.

Rolo.

Little Hiccup

AKA The Bear.

A new chapter in my life had begun.  It wasn’t all breastfeeding in flowing dresses, sat in a sunny field of wheat.  I have been known to lose my fricking mind.  But I’ve never known love like it.  A mother’s love.

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Me & my girl – School Halloween disco circa 2013

Now taller than her (s)mother. She is a beautiful, intelligent, intellectual and artistically talented young lady, on the edge of becoming. So impressed with her artistic skills that I recently had one of her sketches permanently inked on my body.

Go forth and be fabulous my lovely.  Do your best at everything schmoobear.  Make good choices. Be honest. Be kind, and remember that there will be days when things don’t feel right, when you feel bad. But they won’t last.  And if your mama ever tells you that a man (or woman – whichever – we live in an inclusive society after all) is no good for you – please listen.

We love you more than you can possibly comprehend.

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🙂

Xx

 

Heads up fucktards

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Just in case you are too thick to think of these things yourselves, some helpful tips have been posted on BBC News about the hot weather.

BTW. It’s June. It’s supposed to be hot.

And FFS put some sun cream on your kids, you fucking dipshits! Preferably 30+ spf

Public Health England has also issued hot weather advice, with people urged to keep an eye on older people and young children as well as those at risk with heart and lung conditions.

Tips include to:

  • Close curtains to keep indoor spaces cooler
  • Drink plenty of water
  • Walk in the shade
  • Apply sunscreen and wear a hat
  • Avoid physical exertion in the hottest parts of the day
  • Carry water when travelling

People are also urged not to leave anyone in a closed, parked vehicle, particularly young children and animals.

Bring me sunshine

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Had a weird week where I hit a major low a couple of times.  Became obsessed with the idea that every time I had a massive dip in mood and self-worth (which is different to self esteem apparently), that some kind of horrendous disaster occurred to someone else.
I felt shit about myself – Manchester bombing.  Had another slump. – London stabbings. Last week, went to bed full of woe and gloom and self-depreciation for no apparent reason I could justify. Black dog snapping at my heels.  Boom! Grenfell Tower fire next day.
Began to feel like a harbinger of death, a bit like Richard Burton in ‘
The Medusa Touch’. Now I daren’t confess to feeling down in case it causes karma to slap me in the face with another horrifying news story of death and mindless waste of life.  Life shouting at me,  “BUCKLE UP FUCK NUGGET! SOME DAYS ARE A BIT WANK. DEAL WITH IT.  SHIT COULD BE WAY WORSE. LIKE FOR THESE POOR FUCKERS, CHECK IT OUT!”  Cue next news story of gloom, doom, hideous untimely death and sorrow.

Life can be a bit of a cunt at times (and depression lies!)

But life can also be beautiful. Kind. Loving. Funny. Worth it.

Today we had a very sunny family day in the garden for Father’s Day.  I swung in a hammock with a glass of Pimms and a new book, and life was good and I was glad to be alive.


And again this morning. 

🙂 

 

 

Who ya gonna call? (prob not these two)

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On Friday night, my friend and I went to Abbey House Museum in Leeds on a Most Haunted Experience. We booked it months ago on the promise of being able to rake around in the dark listening for taps and knocks alongside Karl Beatty and Yvette Fielding.  We found out not long ago though (after we had paid in full of course) that Yvette would be replaced by Stuart Torvell.  Not quite the same, a lot less hair for a start, but there you go.

We knew it would be amusing and entertaining. Perhaps not as much as 30 East Drive because we wouldn’t have the pre-show laughs of The Chequerfields pub and its patrons with their stories. It couldn’t be anything but funny with us two TBH, making our own amusement as usual.

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Look. It’s all over Twitter how funny we are.

It started before so much as light even went out, when the crew came outside where we were having a pre-ghost hunt snack. They were shouting out names to check everyone off on their list.  We joined in, asking for I.P freely, Amanda Huggenkiss, Seymore Butts etc and finding ourselves hilarious.

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Pretty sure other Team 1s were trading their lanyards for Team 2 to avoid being with us

One of the crew said something about a back passage as we were taking a picture of this sign on the door and thus the puerile level of immaturity was set for the evening.

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After bemoaning the decline of the use of the word knob in English signage – one doesn’t see it written down often enough – it was finally time to make a start.  Or so we thought.    Already 45 minutes in and we’d done nothing but eat club biscuits, the crew finally showed us an overly dramatic Health & Safety video with creepy girl from ‘The Ring’ style graphics & scary music. Then they brought out Karl & Stuart (Karl taller in real life than you’d think and also swearier).  It was then time….for more snacks and tea. While the superfans monopolised the ‘Pros’.

Eventually, we all trooped downstairs to the Victorian Street area where we were shown all the tech we could use.  We were shown where the locked-off cameras were and which ones would be live streaming on FB and YouTube. Then the lights went out and off we went in our groups.  Our group went into the pub area (sadly no longer working) and fired up one of the many ouija boards. 

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Do you have a message from the afterlife?

Now I am what could best be described as a hopeful believer. I don’t see any reason why there can’t be such a thing as ghosts, but I need to ensure all scientific possibilities have been exhausted as a reason for anything unexplained. I have experienced things that cannot be explained by science or common sense in the past but I am going to need more proof.

What I don’t want is to spend half an hour of my life I’m never getting back, as part of a farcical display of fraudulence from a lady who was clearly in full charge of the planchette and claiming that she was in communication with her partner’s dead dog.

A dog?

Because apparently in the afterlife, animals know how to read and spell.

FFS!

We abandoned our group fairly sharply after this and tagged on the end of another, but not before a comedy scare moment when my friend shone her torch into one of the shop areas and cacked herself when she saw a man!  Once we had finished pissing ourselves with the giggles, having realised it was just the other group – we went to join them.  This could be much more interesting as this group was led by Stuart from Most Haunted.  It wasn’t!
In his own words, he said a whole lot of what they do is, “standing about in the dark waiting for Fuck All”.

He’s not wrong.  So, you need to amuse yourself.

Namely by texting your mates a heads up to get online and going to find the livestream cameras.

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Can you see me Mum? I’m on telly!

I’m not sure Stuart and Karl and the other crew members knew what to make of us two.  In fact I am pretty sure they were hiding from us. While others were jumping at every moth, tap, stomach gurgle and phantom dead dog, we were wandering off alone and laughing about whether or not the CCTV in the gift shop would still be on.  Thought it best not to test it out.  Nobody wants a disciplinary at work for being seen livestreamed on FB pocketing souvenir pencils and rubbers from the gift shop*.
On one of our reccies we discovered some unattended giant character heads.  I’m only sorry I couldn’t see where I was going or we could have done a little dance in front of the livestream cameras.

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I think he can hear you Ray

You don’t see Zak Bagans and Aaron Goodwin doing this shit!

After a few hours uneventful wanderings and sitting about in the dark watching bits of tech occasionally light up. We did another ouija session in an upstairs room where there was no communication whatsoever until our friend from earlier joined in and lo and behold, the fucking dog came back through from the other side.

Fuck off you charlatan before I stick that planchette up your arse!

We once again opted to bomb this group off and went downstairs alone to the allegedly haunted giant shoe (don’t ask). Not a dicky bird in there. The only thing unusual was my sudden inability to whistle when calling out to ask any ghosties to copy me.  I suddenly turned into King Julian from Madagascar. “Phhfffffffftttttttttt”.  Probably deformation of the palate from eating too many club biscuits while we waited for this shizzle to start!

Had another wander off on our own into the one room my friend said she didn’t get a good feeling in.  We had hoped for the level of poltergeist activity that the actual Most Haunted Team witnessed whilst filimg for the TV show.

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Happy Land people – not scary in any way whatsoever

 

Funnily enough, the little people that had seemingly sailed through the air with gay abandon in the company of Karl and Co, were uncharacteristically still and silent.

Make of that what you will.

Our time was almost over but not before we had a chance to cross over the road to Kirkstall Abbey. A fabulous monastic ruin and even more impressive at night time.

Dare you get inside one of the stone coffins they said?

Sure? Why not. But I’ll check it for fox piss before I lay down.

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In retrospect, I should have put my torch elsewhere

 

We listened to some owls calling to one another for a while and then went back over the road.  A mini photo op with the ‘Pro’s after a ‘casting couch’ joke from Karl and what is clearly a cheeky feel up from Stuart (now we know why he left Yvette behind).  Then it was time to go.

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He is clearly trying to cop a feel – and why not?

 

Stuart seems less affectionate in the official photo

I have had scarier shits than this ghost hunting night if I’m honest. But I did have a right laugh with my best ghost busting buddy.  Our warped sense of humour and fun is perfectly suited to stumbling about in the dark taking the piss in the hope that one day (night) we will actually find some proof of existence after death.

Bolling Hall at the end of the month and Armley Mills in October – both venues pretty creepy in the day time to be fair so I’m sure there will be laughs aplenty there (though probably no more giant heads).

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Lidl’s new range of blow up sex dolls were not a big seller

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*Obvs we wouldn’t dream of such a thing, we were merely saying it was very trusting of the museum to let a bunch of whackjobs wander about unsupervised after hours.

 

The winds of change (have changed nowt)

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Welcome to the UK. Where a dude dressed as a fish finger can gain 309 votes in a General Election and our current PM (well done for turning up BTW) shared a stage with Elmo and a geezer with a bucket on his head.

#wherethefuckdoIlive

Donald Trump is laughing his orange face off at us.

Laura Kuenssberg must be ripped to the tits on ProPlus and espresso, the woman’s not had a day off for 50 days! I hope they let her have a bit of a holiday now. She must be knackered.


Now we’ll suffer days of analysis and interviews with the common man having to justify their vote. Long-winded discussions about a two-party system, proportional representation and if Theresa May bought that blue suit especially for today and whether she’d have taken it back to the shop if she’d lost.  I see she has jumped into bed with some people I’ve not heard that much about other than that they still think the Earth is flat and probably don’t believe in dinosaurs.

Jeebus!

If/when she gets kicked to the kerb PLEASE don’t let Boris Johnson be the next PM FFS!

😟

And if you don’t like the result & you moan about it, but you didn’t register to vote, then you are a dick. People need to stop being so mean to Jezza too, particularly the supposedly unbiased media.

Think I’m glad I’m going out tonight. I’ve had enough of this shit.