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Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em

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Wednesday nights now are a flurry of texts  between my sister & I during the hours of 9pm & 10pm whilst ‘One Born Every Minute’ is on.

Last night had a fashion student and her absolutely not gay husband, as she arrived in full make-up and heels and then executed an olympic standard, near noiseless waterbirth, whilst sporting a birthing bikini of her own design.  She then began to straighten her hair while non-gay husband camped up his new daughter with lots of impractical and possibly hazardous outfits with bows and buttons.

Back in the real world, in Delivery Suite 12, where I brought both my offspring into the world,  also in a serene & elegant a fashion (Beastie Boys Tee shirt, fluffy pink piglet socks & a war cry of; “IT’S IN MY TRACKYDAKS!”);   some poor bird had about 50 midwives trying to assist as her giant baby boy heaved his way into the world as she flailed around on the bed fucked up on Pethedine.

So anyway here’s a game the whole family can play on a rainy day:-  Rearrange these texts exchanged last night into what you believe to be chronological order.  Apologies for spelling errors.


 No numpty dads this week, although there were some kooky parents on the show that followed on from ‘One Born Every Minute’. 

‘How to be a Good Mother’ – placenta smoothie anyone?  Photo of your son’s first shit?  and my favourite… An Evacuation Communication Workshop,  AKA watching your child like a hawk for 3 years because you don’t believe in nappies so have to constantly watch them and ask if they need “Pssss” or “poop”. 

“Hello? is that the hardware store?  I’d like to place an order for a rod for my own back thanks, oh and a big fuck off roll of easi-wipe lino please”

Childbirth & parenting.  What wonderful gifts to womankind.  Leave your dignity in the lobby of the Maternity Wing, kiss your tightly sprung pelvic floor goodbye and prepare to make every day out of the house for a bloody long time, the type of military operation usually seen in wartime.  As for nights out on the spur of the moment or impromptu cinema or theatre trips?  Forget it!

Keep your tinder dry, a pack of wet wipes in your bag at all times and take every kiss and cuddle you get offered, cos the litle bugger will be grown and embarassed of you & telling you they hate you before you know it.

Worth it though.  🙂


About TheDHW

Not loathed by totally everyone so that's good right?

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