So I’ve got back into watching ‘Hollyoaks’ again even though I am 20 years older than everyone it, with the possible exception of ‘Jack Osborne’.
It’s like a little dose of sedative at the end of the working day – don’t judge me!
I made comment at work about how fantastical the story lines were (not to be confused with fantastic, which is something entirely different) and how I lived in Chester for many years and it was nothing like that in reality.
Not nearly as glamorous for a start. No wall to wall eye-candy – everyone was pretty normal looking. No insane stories played out for the public, no nutters, loons, players, wannabe gangsters and crazed bitches.
I did recall a tale of a landlady who had some fingers allegedly chopped off by her jealous husband, but then I had a little think….
“There was this one time….”
- Some old dude did have the dismembered body of his dead wife in his freezer in the garage in the village next to ours.
- They still haven’t arrested anyone for the murder of that ‘masseuse’ at Pinky’s in 1991. massage-parlour-killer
- No-one I know ever got dragged from their beds in their undies and their flats raided for drugs and contraband (ahem).
- No 8-year old boys dealing from their Mother’s kitchen, with the ability to undersell to the unwary. (Oh hang on….)
- No end of young dead boy-racers; young-uns biting the dust in bar brawls or leaving their pals half-dead by the canal.
- Nobody ever burst into anyone’s flat with an axe or firebombed anyone’s car for reasons I forget now (or anything…)
- No farmers shooting out the rear windows of theives’ getaway vehicles.
- No crazy women hurling themselves into a football-rivalry-fuelled drunken mêlée to try and save friends and ending up saving Welsh rivals instead!
- Nobody ever kept a written record of items shoplifted to order or recreational pharmaceuticals sold, including full names and addresses, thus attracting the full attention of the Chester PD Blue on those people for several months (because that would be really fucking stupid!)
- There was that time a warehouse caught fire and burnt half the street down when all the roofs caught alight too.
Perhaps it wasn’t such a sedate little city after all in retrospect.
Do enjoy my rogues gallery of classic Hollyoaks villians. Personally I think they should bring back the dirty fireman (Ben) and Jambo from when it first started but I suspect they are dead (and not real) – killed off by one of the many serial killers that have stalked the ‘village’ over the years.
Couldn’t find a pic of psycho Rob who held loads of them captive in an old water tower after killing Kurt Benson with a jetski and whom nobody seems to remember but me.
Happy viewing Xx
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