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Courses & how LCC employ zombies to do the cleaning

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 Been on 2 courses this week.  Only one of which I found particularly useful and that’s because it will eventually provide me  with HLTA status.  Yay!

Pity it took 2 hours to get there via pubic (typo intended) transport.  Quicker in fact to get to Manchester City Centre from where I live.

My old nemesis and I, the 508 – the number of the beast – we met again at 0735 on Thursday morning and will do again for the next few Thursdays leading up to Christmas.   When that bad boy has finished with me, I get spat out onto the Headrow after a riveting 60 minute journey through every last nook and cranny between here and Kirskstall and then have to get on another bus!

Big Boo hiss to the Reception lady at the centre I was headed to, who advised me to get the bus outside the Corn Exchange when she should have said to catch it at the bus stop opposite the Corn Exchange!  10 valuable minutes wasted there!  Eventually got on the correct bus and had that sickening feeling in my belly that I was going to be late on my first day and that I had absolutely no fricking idea where I was going. 

Winding through unfamiliar places made me feel like back in the old Backpacker days in Australia and New Zealand, wandering free, new places, exciting times, (OK so it was a Leeds No. 13 to Gledhow, but it’s the closest I’ll get these days).

So I arrived fashionably late by 10 minutes, shuffling in at the back hoping nobody would notice. 

At breaktime I noticed that my biscuit tasted rather odd and when I checked my phone for messages I realised that my emergency tube of Volterol for my backpain, had leaked in my bag, all over my phone and I had some on my fingers.  At least neither my phone, fingers or tongue  will be in any pain for a day or two.  FFS.  Dumbarse!

Journey home was nackering and just as long as on the way there, but this time I had the added cacophony of sound accompanying me, of dozens of teenage school girls,  Jeebus! the noise they make!.  Even with the old C3PO on full whack I couldn’t drown them out.

 Proper tired when I got home.

The saving grace of today’s course was that I didn’t have to go on my own and that I was with my bezzy mate, who as you can see was well up for a bit of practical P.E.

Am not playing!

I’m jumping ahead of myself though.  This pic was taken after we finally arrived.  Nothing more terrifying than a bit of a jolly round scenic Wortley to liven you up of a morning.  Or is there? 

Pulled up to park the car at the wrong centre.  Decided to park there anyway and walk up the road as very little parking space available where we were headed.  Seemed like a good idea until two extras from Shaun of the Dead Vs League of Gentlemen, clad in tabards,  lurched across the carpark at us, brandishing feather dusters.   One had the loping gait of the undead and a face like Quasimodo’s Nan and the other had that white, dried, foam mouthed appearance of a rabid animal or someone who forgot to check the mirror after they brushed their teeth (my money’s on the former). 

I fended her off with my water bottle hoping that her hydrophobia would startle them both away.    The sole reason I don’t have photographic evidence of these pair was that I was backing away at the time and trying to make discreet eye signals to my pal that she unlock the car pronto and we get the fuck outta dodge!

I’m sure they are lovely ladies and someone’s Mum/Nan/sister, yadayadayada, but fuck me,  were they scary!!

Ay up love. D’you know where you’re going?

My free breakfast, when we finally got to the right place,  consisted of a burnt crumpet and a thimble of coffee, with no break before lunch, despite it saying there was one on the itinerary.  This was never going to end well.

We zoned out as soon as we heard that there was to be team games and salsa (and not the sort that comes with a bowl of Doritos).  We felt like clawing at the fire exits for escape but we were trapped!

They made us do stuff!  On a P.E. course – Who’d have thought it?  My mate’s face at almost everything that was said today was an absolute picture. A picture in fact that would mostly be captioned with the words “What the frigging fuck?!”

Arse Up!

Up Yours!

Fortunately there is no photographic evidence of me rolling around on the floor with a bunch of total strangers, many of whom were men; all in a line like pencils trying to get a hula hoop to roll across our prone bodies.  Holy jesus!  WTF?  I had some personal space issues with that exercise let me tell you.

When faced with discussing the key features of the course and should any further equipment be required, I did mutter something along the lines of “perhaps a dictionary”. 

Dictionary anyone?

Not the most constructive use of the day but worth it for the laughs.  A lot of which were when a certain person’s Salsa dancing all went a bit Gavlar and Smithy once the arms were introduced:

Crackin! (up)

It wasn’t long after this that my pal and I were split into different groups – funnily enough…

Then sod me! when we were finally paroled, armed with our well-earned resources (which if they don’t get used, are going to get shoved unceremoniously up someone’s jacksie) if Dolly Duster of the Undead didn’t lurch out of the Library on our way out!

She’d followed me!

I practically sprinted out to the carpark before she caught up with me!

I’ll be needing a drink this weekend you can be sure of it, starting right now I think.

🙂

Xx

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About TheDHW

Not loathed by totally everyone so that's good right?

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