WARNING: Bake Off Spoiler Alert!
Well I’ve had my Tuesday evening fix of Mr Hollywood and Ms Berry and not a soggy bottom to be seen.
Brendan the Buddhist can get back to 1976 and take his clementines with him because it was all about John the law student in the end. Get in!
I might apply for next year **pauses for raucous laughter to subside**
My popping candy buns are legend & I can rustle up a crackin’ rocky road but I doubt that they’d float old Mary’s boat. Technical challenge? According to the Bman I can’t even boil an egg, wash up or ride a bike! But to that end I say, “why have a dog then bark yourself?” (Not quite sure where the bike riding comes into that but you catch my drift).
Last night I was about to go off to sleep when I caught sight of a show called ‘Conspiracy Road Trip – UFO’s’ – so had to watch it.
I saw this last week when the comedian, Andrew Maxwell, took a motor home full of devout Christians on a road trip through the USA trying to debunk their heartfelt belief in the bible stories. It was a little like watching fish getting shot in a barrel. The part about dinosaurs being created on the 6th day and roaming the earth with humans was a highlight. As was the part where the story of Noah and his Ark and how big it would actually have to have been. It was like Christmas Day at my in-laws, where in the spirit of the festive season I like to bring up such topics at the dinner table as a conversational opening gambit. My MiL loves all that light-hearted theological stuff. Bless her. I don’t know how she stands me to be honest.
Anyhoo, I’m going off-piste conversation-wise again. Last night we had a bus load of people who all believe in aliens in some way shape or form. I have nothing against that. I personally think that if Earth is in fact the only planet with so-called intelligent life, then as a Universe, we are fucked!
There must be some higher intelligence somewhere, watching through a mahoosive microscope saying; “Really? This experiment is out of hand now. We need to put these miserable creatures out of their misery before it’s too late. Sheila! get me the bug spray & a bin liner!”
There was a man from Swindon who showed us how his wife helped him fashion protective headgear from Bacofoil, which he wore under his beanie hat to stop the aliens tapping into his brain when they invaded. When. Not if.
I may make light of always having a couple of litres of spare spring water in the shed and some cans of tinned peaches in the cupboard in case of a nuclear winter but this dude had emergency supply boxes under his bed. Cans of salmon, tuna, loo roll and other non-perishables neatly stored and labelled. He had an axe to help fend of attacking ‘greys’ and to chop down trees for firewood for when (not if) he and his family had to escape to the forests…..of Swindon.
He took to the gun ranges of Las Vegas with a tad too much vim and vigour for my tastes! Praise be to the the tighter UK gun laws is all I can say, or this guy would be blasting anyone who looked remotely other-worldly that ever had the misfortune to cross his path or try and deliver a parcel to his house.
B*Feckin’ Jeebus! and I thought I was nuts.
Had fun today screwing with my eldest’s head about me having to help out tomorrow by accompanying her class on their weekly swim lesson. I told her classmates that I’d ironed my full-length swimsuit, got my flippers and snorkel at the ready & my giant old lady flowery cap & that I’d be lowered into the shallow end by Victorian Bathing Machine.
“Are you really Miss?”
“No. I’m just messing with her head mate – look at her face”
Little lady in question looking like she just wanted to kill me with her bare hands.
Way too easy to wind-up. Just like her Aunty Jade was as a young ‘un.
Good times eh dude? Walking you to your High School Disco in an afro wig! Picking you up from another disco in pal’s Metro with tuneage cranked up and making with the faux Scouse accent out the window, shouting, “Ee’s Trips & Wizz for sale”
Good times 🙂
BTW kids, if you’re reading this in years to come and the aliens haven’t wiped us out with bug spray – it is every mother’s right to be able to embarrass you from time to time. This is why…
We got fat for you. We heaved you from our vaginas. We ended up with piles and a propensity to wee when we laugh too loud or sneeze… because of you. We reddened with shame when, as toddlers, you ripped aside the curtain in the changing rooms and exposed our semi-nakedness to the entire store while we were trying on clothes that were too tight… because of you.
We earned the right to show you up on occasion because of the times when you opened the door in public bathrooms and festival toilets whilst we were in mid flow or mid-wipe. The times when you pulled our tops down, or up and shouted “boobies” or when you lifted up our skirts or pulled down our elastic waisted trou and yelled “Bumlines!” then ran away laughing.
Bring em on ladies. Bring ’em on!
Love you BTW. Big style Xx 🙂
Pictures courtesy of Google Images