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Back on the (Dis)Information Superhighway

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 Well colour me happy I’m back on line!  – and my friend can have her house back, free from local tweenagers, seeking sanctuary from the Internet tundra to use her son’s Xbox Live  (Hi Ange! )  


Not before time…

…and not before 3 former employees of BT Openreach (Azerbaijan division) have handed in their notices and gone to work milking goats somewhere well away from a switchboard.

My metamorphosis is almost complete

Do not fuck with me over the phone if I have a bee in my bonnet (or loose wiring impeding my family’s exit from the building).  On no account either should it ever be implied that dangling cables are not deemed a danger or hazard to the public, when I have just advised that aforementioned wires may pose a threat to my children’s safety.

Anyone foolhardy enough to attempt any of the above is, by law, asking for it…or an idiot of the highest magnitude.


Me:   “I’d like the address of your complaints department please as I’m not happy with the way this issue has been dealt with”

Her:  “Certainly Madam Brenwin, it is complaints@BT…..”

Me:   “Are you seriously giving me an email address?”

Her:  “Oh right yes, I forgot”

Me:   “Befecking holy jeebus!”


That’s the short, censored, version.

An hour and half later a most helpful young man in a High-Vis jacket introduced himself at my door as ‘Cameron’ and proceeded to detangle the wires, which I had seriously begun to consider spraying with silver glitter for the festive season, as they didn’t appear to be going anywhere, anytime soon.

It would seem that he’d been called up, out of hours, to get the job done sharpish, as my call(s) had burnt a hole in the switchboard and struck fear into the hearts of every BT phone jockey from Uttoxeter to Uzbekistan.

Cameron seemed like a trustworthy guy, who assured me that a new telegraph pole was imminent.  He, in fact, couldn’t understand why it was taking so long.   I suggested that perhaps it was, as we spoke, being hewn from a majestic Douglas Fir, liberated by moonlight from the pine forests of the Scottish Highlands by druid lumberjacks and hand-carved with aztec runes by Gaelic dwarves.

Special order for Mrs Brewvine

He looked slightly confused but didn’t flinch and said he’s get right on it in the morning and try and track it down.

Needless to say I have returned home from the wilds of deepest Chapel Allerton today from my HLTA course and Lo! I am online and have a landline.



I’m hopeful of a relaxing weekend without any calamities occurring to my utilities, which might involve long, protracted & ultimately ulcer-inducing phonecalls  to service providers.  AOL for example:-

Press 1 if you have brown hair. Press 2 if you have blue eyes. Press 3 if you have forgotten what you rang up for. Press 4 if you require a loaded weapon with which to go tonto on those closest to you, just to relieve the stress caused by this phonecall.


Here’s hoping….



pictures from google images


About TheDHW

Not loathed by totally everyone so that's good right?

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