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How much is that doggy in the woodland?

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If you go down in the woods today… be sure to leave the kids at home if it’s after dusk!

Anyone else watch Channel 4’s latest televisual jewel in the scheduling crown? Dogging Tales ?

I did.
 It may surprise many of you to learn that I’m an open minded (if not that open-a-legged) kinda gal! But far from educating me as to the entire process – I won’t lie to you – It left me with more questions than answers and I’m not entirely sure where to start…

OK.  Let’s talk masks.
   I get the whole anonymity deal.  Adding to the mystique. The allure.  The subterfuge and, let’s face it covering up the ground-zero of a face.  (It’s not the years it’s the mileage).  But…

Q1.  Do they wear the same mask every time?  Like Superheroes, so you can tell if you’ve been down that road once before (so to speak)?

Q2. Why bother with the mask for anonymity purposes if we can still see your barnet and the distinctive tattoos on your forearm/neck/inner thigh etc ? (and the parakeet collection in the kitchen.  “Woah! Aunty Brenda!  Is that you??”

Q3. With a killer rack and bod like the bird with the absolute for real, original FMB’s (Fuck Me Boots). Why was she wearing a mask that looked like Roger Rabbit’s Downs Syndrome sister?
I know the old adage about not looking at the fire while you’re poking it, but holy shit and bejesus – her mask was terrifying.   Mixymatosis anyone?
It slightly detracted from the fab boobies and boots for me, truth be told!  Bit weird to be fair.

Q4.  Why go to the expense of the Venetian Masquerade mask if you’re then just going to lurch around the woods in your best Londsale trackie and trainers & then rub your norks up against your mates norks?  Stay in. Do it in the comfort of your own home with the heating on.

If you didn’t see it. I urge you to 4OD this gem and I defy you not to be entertained. The show segued beautifully from LiLo Lill of the FMB’s banging her way through Epping Forest “To get through as many men as possible” with optimum success; to ‘Terry’ sat in bed with his Missus, masked-up and chomping their way through a bucket of souvenir Alton Towers toffees as they told us of Terry’s lifelong dream of “having 2 women”. 

Next scene – Our Tel sat betwixt these pair of lovelies:-


“We’re gonna need a bigger boat”

At which point I began to suspect some kind of April Fool situation but I stuck with it…even when the camera cut to Terry’s car, which appeared to be some kind of 2 door Cinquecento.  There was no way these MoFo’s were getting in that!  (I suspect they took the bus.)
   These 3 however, did not stick with the programme, and after an unsuccessful foray into the undergrowth somewhere on the outskirts of Birmingham, decided to call it a night and get the night bus home for a cuppa and more toffees.
Our Tel, it seems, couldn’t deal with the whole
“people watching us” deal.  To which his new galpal (Big Bird in yellow) tauntingly laughs (along with every viewer at home)  “Don’t you know that’s what dogging’s all about Terry?” as she tucked her ample breasts back into her tracky top.

I have to commend the camera work on the show as also brilliant.  Forget the night vision footage of many pairs of man legs shuffling to gather around for a better view; or the arty shot of the open door of a Nissan Micra rhythmically banging away in unison to the noisy party  on the backseat.  It was the shots of the startled owls in the trees; the slightly panicked look in the eyes of the deer among the trees and the pair of otters hamming it up for the camera (who looked well up for it!) 

This prompted the response from the Bman of “It’s almost worth getting into this game to see all the wildlife”.

If Steve Backshall’s on board.  Count me in..  I’ll get my stillies on!

To me it simply raised the question:- With all those animal masks around, does anyone ever make a monumental faux-pas and try and get nasty with an unwary badger or too slow doe?

I can’t see me and the Bman heading down the gib anytime soon, in our matching animal print dressing gowns; one in a Greedo mask and one in a Darth Vader one (we have them… doesn’t everyone?)  Apart from anything else – everyone round here would know it was us and, in all honesty, the pickings around here are at best – slim (and not in a slender-bodied kind of way).

greedo-mask-star-wars                     “Use the force damn it!”              masque-dark-vador

By far my favourite shot though was during the interview with the grumpy old Jock who seemed to protest a tad too much that the doggers didn’t seem to be at large in his local woodland anymore.  He also knew an awful lot about the ins & outs of it all for someone who was so ‘appalled’ by the whole practice.
As he moaned his last…the cameraman homed in with a beautiful close up of his dog curling out a massive shit.   Class!

Ultimately, my conclusion was that it seemed to mostly be a pastime for folks with low self-esteem issues; people with an inability to feel the cold; fat people and lecherous old truckers (Fred West in a Fox mask).  Which is fair enough.


Meanwhile.  It’s been at least 4 months since my last battle with one of the major utility companies. So tomorrow, I will mostly be tackling First Utility, who I see (after checking my emails tonight after a lovely day out in York) are trying to stiff me this month for gas bill of £847.        DON’T fecking think so my friend!!!


About TheDHW

Not loathed by totally everyone so that's good right?

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