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All things Lard

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I’m somewhat spoilt for choice as regards blog material today.

Think I’ll start with the freshest ingredient to mind and go with this morning’s staff training day on fire safety with Keith Lard of Peter Kay fame.

OK so it wasn’t Keith Lard, but it was still funny when our guy asked us a question and barked the answers back at us within seconds, giving nobody a chance to answer.  He was also very unPC in a refreshingly cringeworthy 1970’s stand up comic type way.

However.  I did have some issues.  Namely my long-standing phobia of fire.
I have come a long way.  I can attend a bonfire (albeit I’m stood right at the back.)   I can light a fire at camping and keep it going.  It’s mainly a pathological fear of being caught in a house fire that I have psychological issues with.

I blame Coronation Street (Elsie Tanner falling asleep with a fag in her hand on the couch circa 1979) and also possibly a past life regression thing about being burnt at the stake as a witch.

I couldn’t help but feel slightly singled out for such extreme phobia aversion therapy though.  It may have been better to include a few more of the phobics on staff.  Perhaps have old Keith take us out into the car park and light up a bonfire of Russian stacking dolls, surrounded by feathers and lit by a giant torch in the shape of a bloody great Kit Kat!  FFS!

Thank you to my friends who did make sure I was alright and not too freaked out.  I did feel slightly bilious throughout and stared at the floor while the fire video was on but I managed not to actually throw up.

Bet you 5 bucks I unplug every last power point in the house before I go to bed tonight though (just like back in the day eh Mum?

“Freezer’s defrosted again!! Hells Bells & Buckets of Blood!”



On the subject of lard – Did anybody else see the televisual eye-opener that was ‘Fat For Cash’ on Channel 5 the other night?


Holy shit!

I must confess to watching it through my fingers over my eyes at one point but found it most entertaining nonetheless and begged the question… Where the hell do they buy their tights – Go Outdoors?

I’ll be honest, I’ve considered a career change recently and perhaps this is the way forward. 
     I could bulk up on chocolate bourbons, rename myself Dusty Dumptrucks and make a killing on the Internet.  One bird was getting $3.99 a pop every time someone downloaded a video of her sat in paddling pool being fed milkshake through a funnel! 
   Imagine what I could charge for video of my 600lb self sat in a paddling pool full of milkshake, with the crevice of my double belly crammed full of Jaffa cakes & a root vegetable stuck up my chuff.  Throw in a 500lb black dwarf chick dressed as a schoolgirl to eat the Jaffa cakes out of my gut-roll, whilst I drank the milkshake off my own Lills and
BANG!  That’s got to cover at least 4 other niche markets right there!







More donuts over here please!





About TheDHW

Not loathed by totally everyone so that's good right?

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