Apologies for any grammatical errors. I wrote this early in the morning with an overtired fuddled brain.
I often keep myself awake at night, mentally beating myself up for the various fails I have achieved (if it’s possible to achieve failure) throughout the day. These could include anything from the classic, leaving keys in the door lock, or forgetting to put out the bin; to use of bad language in front of (or even worse) AT my children. I know it’s not big and it’s not clever and whenever it happens (and it does), I hate myself and know that if there is a hell then I am definitely going there!
I won’t lie…on my worst days – the dark ones, when I wish I just wasn’t here, because I get in the frame of mind where I think the world would be be better off without me in it – I get to thinking that I’ve done nothing useful whatsoever in my life. These moods are most often triggered by feelings of frustration at work, money worries, relationship issues and the stresses of parenting. No surprises there. A million others feel the same way for exactly the same reasons. They also probably get like I do – then becoming guilt ridden at feeling so down for seemingly no good reason. Nobody died. You are gainfully employed and you and yours are healthy. Stop moping about and crack on!
Sometimes though it not that simple.
Well done if you’ve never experienced that dark, lonely, cold despair that makes you not want to get out of bed. That makes you either overeat or not eat at all. That makes you brim up with tears for no good reason or consider ‘accidentally’ stepping out into the path of a moving vehicle just to escape.
Many people, at their absolute lowest, put an end to it all the harshest way possible…
Some people also take this ‘way out’ because they are young and don’t know any better, don’t appreciate how much they were actually loved or how they could’ve been helped*
I don’t know where my own latent melancholy inferiority complex stems from. I don’t know why sometimes the slightest thing can trigger it off or why another slight thing can end it, but I know that it does. (The dottiness is from my mother’s side for sure – dare to deny it Mum) 🙂
Why is it that I have missed out on so many evenings out or events over the years, because I have freaked out at the last push and found myself unable to go out as planned. I think I need to feel very comfortable about who I am meeting, who else will be there and where I’m going. If I get any niggles that I’m either going to get drunk and offend someone, or don’t feel good about what I’m wearing then I end up not going out. Most often I just don’t agree to go in the first place, thus avoiding the possibility of having to blob at the last minute.
Seems unlikely, bearing in mind my last post about going to festivals and the dress style doesn’t it? True though. Maybe it’s the unstructured free living nature of the festival that appeals to me so much more than a pub crawl, nightclub or formal meal out. Maybe it’s because I know I have my tent close to hand to go and hide within if I need to.
Christ I long ago gave up trying to fathom out why someone who’s known by many to be full of bluster, profanity and chutzpah can also plummet to depths of doom and despair and self loathing. #miserablebitch.
If I don’t know what’s going on in my head when I get like that, good luck with anybody else trying to work it out!
Luckily I seem to be able to tell when that ‘black dog’ is coming and I know what my triggers are. I have learned that I can deal with it in my own way, without needing pills and meds. (My inner addict would probably never let me off that road if I set off on that course.) Probably best to just give me a wide berth if it looks as though I’m taking that black dog for a walk though. Or offer me a cup of tea… whichever.
* others take this way out simply because they are unhinged, selfish fucktards.
What? Didn’t think I’d manage a ‘serious’ post without at least one swear did you? 🙂