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Malaise

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I was uncharacteristically off sick a couple of days last week. I would usually have ploughed on at work but I just couldn’t do it.  Ended up with youngest at home too, sent home sick herself.  Can’t even be off sick in peace eh? Lol.

Back at work this week but began to feel unwell again almost immediately.

Coincidence?

Feeling more like it today.  Possibly due to a new frock and it being a sunny day.

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Funny how little a thing it can take to tip a person over the edge and how little a thing can pull them back from the brink. Yesterday it was an evening not having any arguments at home and receiving a friendly text. Little autonomic jags to get you through another day.

I’m quite open about my battles with the black dog.  I don’t make a secret of it.  I’m just naturally miserable most of the time truth be told.  Eeyore gloom times. 

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I would never describe myself as ever having been suicidal, but more times than I can think of I have often thought I would be better off dead! Pondered a bit whilst crossing the road, “what if?” when a bus was coming, that sort of thing.  Doubted anyone would notice my absence, or be that bothered after a while.  Thinking my kids would be better off without me and that my husband wouldn’t be bothered.  He doesn’t want to be with me really.  Life would go on without me. I’m just not that important in the grand scheme of things.  I sometimes wish I was as thick as others then I wouldn’t have these deep and depressing thoughts.
It would probably surprise you just how many people feel the same from time to time…if only they would talk about it.  If you do tell people, more than you’d think will tell you that they sometimes feel the same.

No need to hide the knife rack of anything.  I’m pretty good now at knowing when the black dog is nipping at my heels and I know it’ll go away pretty soon.  It’s just that when it’s there. It’s bad.

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Tonight I may sleep on the couch. Again. Waiting to see on the news whether we’re remaining or leaving the EU.  I don’t really know what either result will mean in reality – but then does anyone?  I’m slightly worried that crazy people, the ill-informed, the bigoted and the brainless will turn out in droves and we could all go to hell in a handcart quicker than we already are.

Addendum: got bored of watching referendum sizzle and switched to First Dates instead.

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About TheDHW

Not loathed by totally everyone so that's good right?

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