I used to go to raves ‘back in the day’. Hundreds, sometimes thousands of sweaty bodies crammed into a warehouse or club venue. Strobe lights flashing, bassbins blaring, pulses racing with recreational pharmaceuticals. I was quite happy (once I’d done my initial fire escape route safety checks of course). For a few hours on a Friday, that place was my kingdom and I revelled in it. It was bloody great and I was awesome.
So how come now, sometimes (more frequently in fact these days) is it that I can’t deal with being in a room full of people. I have to leave the staffroom at work if there are too many people in there. And by too many I mean more than half a dozen. I’m not talking stepping over limbs, crush situation levels of busy. I mean a normal bustling work environment.
It makes me feel nauseous and warm and want to scream “FUCK OFF NOW!” at everyone, like a crazy person.
This is one of the reasons I don’t often go out on work night out or other social gatherings in public places. I have to really want to go and I have to feel extremely comfortable with whoever I am with before I will commit to ‘night out’, particularly if it’s somewhere new to me that is likely to get busy. I’ll go but I might be very quiet. That’s because inside my head I am screaming to leave and get away and I am concentrating very hard on not actually yelling that out loud. So I end up not going.
I don’t even remember when this started. (Perhaps I’ve always been like that but never noticed before due to being either drunk or off my face). “But she goes to festivals” I hear you thinking. Yes I do, but I have the sanctuary of my tented living space to hide in when I can’t be arsed with it anymore or need a cocoon to sit in for a while.
I think it’s more likely that I feel like this because I’m not really that nice a person actually. I don’t like being with lots of people because then I have to speak to them. This is bad right?
I rarely go out now because the friends (& I do have some, in spite of myself) I am most comfortable with to be able to go ‘out-out’ with, are not local. I am out of the habit of being sociable in mixed company. I’d rather be at home in my onesie playing Hayday.
I have bad thoughts. Disloyal, wicked thoughts. I’m mean. I shout and yell. I swear. I judge. I cry if my husband chastises my housekeeping skills. I am convinced I spend my days just wasting air at my job. I wish I wasn’t here more times than I appreciate being alive. I suffer massively from what can best be described as angst or weltschmerz. I despair at the world we live in and marvel at it in equal measure. I want to do something to help the less fortunate but have no idea where to start and feel that whatever I do wouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference anyway. Yay I donated to charity. Whoop di doo. Check me out being all great and that. lt’d just serve to make me feel better about my futile existence in the grand scheme of things. So I end up doing nothing and then I feel shite for not doing anything. And the spiral of negativity continues. I can’t decide if that’s deep or shallow. Either way, it’s a bit crap.
A lot of the time I just think I am barking mad and should probably be locked up. The rest of the time I just spend over-analyzing the actions of the day and thinking what a shoddy job of it I made and that tomorrow will be better. I will do better. I will become better. Sometimes it is. Sometimes I do. I rarely feel I am (unless I’ve had gin or two & then I feel ok… until the morning).
Right now it’s 7:15pm on a Monday night and I’m in bed already and about to log this shit off and go to sleep to try and block out the crazy train of thought of my mind. Wish me luck.