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Vive le weekend

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Movie Quote of the Day:  “Take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” – The Matrix

In explanation of the staffroom being over-run with BT Openreach engineers earlier this week, I was informed that “There was some kind of loop going on with the interface”. 

“I fucking knew it!” I yelled. “I knew we were in the bloody Matrix!”


Not sure which one of us on the faculty is Neo but I know that when it comes to the choice of the red or the blue pill, I’m grabbing both and necking those fuckers dry.

By lunchtime we seemed to be plugged back in and ‘normal’ service was resumed. I have mixed feelings about that.


Today I had to venture into Sadford town. Realised as I was about to set off that my MP3 had been on all night in my coat pocket. No battery.  I had to go into town with full aural capacity.


There was a girl on the bus who had eyelashes so pumped and fake that I wondered if she would be able to press the bell just by blinking.  She didn’t, but if I had been her I would totally have tried.

Obviously Sadford does have its attractions.  Namely, Brown Muff. Not a euphemism or a nod to the female Asian community, but of course the legendary firm of solicitors long since gone.  The sign remains however as a testament to puerile humour and the immature.  Natch, I have a photo.

I was on a mission for a few essentials and a few treats for B’s birthday.  Usual epic fail trying to get a decent bra.  Either I have deformed breasts (SHIT TITS!) or everyone in Sadford is the same cup size.  Not a bra I liked to be found in the right size. Not unless it was some old lady number or something hideous made from easy-wipe faux PVC.  Neither being over 80, or a sex worker in a Sheffield brothel, I gave it up as a bad job.  It’s almost Valentines Day y’all. The stores need to up their game.
I eventually found some jeans I liked that weren’t ‘super skinny high-waist’. Am more of a boot cut girl myself. (which does NOT make me retard thank you very much Bman!)
 Needed a new pair, as my other two don’t need the zip undoing to pull ’em down because I lost 7kg! (Unlike you Mr B!)

**High Five Yourself MoFo**

Obvs I will still wear my favourite raggatus pair with the shredded bottoms from trailing along the floor because I also shrunk 2inches in the last 10 years.  I do like a raggy jean, but thought I ought to at least have a smarter pair.

Sadford was its usual sad self.  I trailed up to the market.  It smelled like all indoor markets the UK over – of raw meat, giros and desperation.  I was using it as a shortcut to Morries but then discovered that Morries is long gone.  The irony of a busker playing Pink Floyd’s, ‘Wish You Were Here’ from  the piss-stinking doorway of yet another empty store, was almost too much to bear.

Could be anywhere. Any mall. Any town. Any Matrix.


I almost lost the will to live in the queue in Wilkinsons.  I watched a woman loudly berate her husband in Primark for paying too much attention to the underwear section even though he was just following her around.  “What are you looking at?”  Why are you staring?” Peck Peck Peck as she smacked him on the arm.

After trailing to Tesco Express, Sainsbury Metro, B&M, Poundland & M&S, I began to wonder who I had to fuck to get a packet of burger baps.  Turned out to be Gregg.  Good old Gregg.

Managed to even make it home without hearing the magic words “Hya Miss Brewer!”

So a mostly successful mission but am not in any hurry to repeat the experience.

Right now am on 3rd episode of ‘Lost’ on a catch up revisit with my old friends Jack & Sawyer with a G&T for company.

Whatever you fuckers are up to this Saturday night. Enjoy!

Ciao Tutti Xx


About TheDHW

Not loathed by totally everyone so that's good right?

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