So this was me yesterday. Wasn’t even in class FFS! But after a shite night of little sleep (I was sat on back doorstep at 1:30am just watching the solar lights change colour and wondering why only one of my pink flamingo lights was lit up, and other such important questions) I was a
donkey woman on the edge!
No specific trigger to yet another meltdown. Just had a surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear of all sorts really. Too crap/old/stupid to do my job. What a waste of space I was in all areas etc. blah di blah di yada yada. Usual black dog bullshit that sneaks up and fucks you in the brain with its big dick of depreciation and doubt at stupid o clock, when you should be sleeping like a sensible person, with sensible thoughts, instead of thinking that it wouldn’t be completely unfortunate if you just died in your sleep. In fact it might be a blessing for everyone.
Of course we know that this is just lunacy talking – a spiteful crow pecking your head in with lies. But when you’re overtired like a toddler and have a propensity for regret, self loathing and gloom, those pecks can dig in. Especially after midnight on a work night.
Essentially, what happened then, after dragging my long face around the building all morning, going about my official business, was that someone said those magic words. The opener of floodgates. The key.
“Are you okay love?”
…and so it began…
Cue, tissues and sympathy in the office surrounded by Management.
Nothing like a lunch on your wedding anniversary with your hub and a reality check of an episode of ‘DIY SOS‘ to put life in perspective a bit though.
Today I have had further meetings – agreements have been reached, schedules rearranged and I feel less like a woman on one of those edge of the kerb moments. Although today I forgot lots of names and have just had a blue with Bman over what my working week will look like next week because he is convinced I said something different to what I think I said. Have written it down and stuck it on the calendar to avoid further altercation or confusion.
I need to get out of the house. My head is shredded.
The bathroom dude is doing a great job thus far on the smallest room in the house, but the dust and noise is not helping my already fractured nerves. Funny how much you can suddenly need a piss when you can’t go for one too!
So this weekend will mostly be spent watching Glastonbury on TV and not having a wash in festival goer solidarity.
So to anyone else out there, off their nut, the overthinkers, the whackjobs, insomniacs, the fragile of mind and the emotionally handicapped, the lonely, sexually frustrated or unhappy – have a good weekend. Stay alive (if anything just to annoy everyone else.)
Remember this:- (sent to me last night by a good friend)
Ciao ciao Xx