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Happy Halloween Mothercluckas

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Halloween is like my Christmas and it’s all over for another year already.


Had an enjoyable day as it is half-term – off work, Childerbeast off school. They helped me make a doughnut-shaped cake and pumpkin soup.  My chocolate ribcage turned out better than expected and I finally got to dress as Melanie Daniels from Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’.  This caused no end of confusion to the local children who had no idea who I was meant to be or why I had stuffed crows on my head when I answered the door. To be honest I doubt the local adults knew either.


Youngest offspring had her pals round and fair play to them for coming up with the triple costume idea of dressing as ‘Heathers’.




We watched the weirdest film in a long time – ‘Midsommar‘ by the same dude who made ‘Hereditary’.  It made ‘The Wicker Man‘ seem like a lovely feelgood movie about rural life.

Very strange film.

Yesterday I took the childerbeast to Kirkstall Abbey for at atmospheric evening screening in the dark and the fog of ‘Hocus Pocus’. Sanderson Sisters tribute act did a bit of audience participation stuff and it was quite cool (chilly in fact) watching it on a big screen while actual bats fluttered around infront of the screen.


Bman and I (inbetween bickering about nothing and making one another feel bad) did have a strange bedtime conversation on Halloween as we watched a thing on Talking Pictures channel called ‘The Legend of the Witch’. It was a 1970s documentary about the origins of witches and the modern-day witch (as it would have been in the late 1960s). It was essentially a lot of titular bullcrap about people getting naked and dancing about,  literally kissing one another’s bottoms, killing chickens and worshipping Lucifer.
This led Bman to suggest an idea for a Channel 5 reality show where celebrity has-beens compete in acts of paganism and witchcraft.  Sacrificing for survival alongside the likes of Chris Akabussi,  David Van Day and Cheryl Baker et al, all taking part in naked rituals or satanic rites. Compered by someone like Christine Hamilton or that woman vicar who used to be on Gogglebox.  Claudia Winkleman could do the spin-off show on FiveStar.

It’s only a matter of time before that shit actually happens.

It’s November MoFos.  Do not mention the C word (no, not THAT one. I like that one. The other one!)



That time I ‘met’ Bill S Preston esq.

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On Sunday I attended the For The Love Of Horror convention at Bowlers in Manchester. This was purely on the basis that several members of the original cast of ‘The Lost Boys’ were to be there too, including Kiefer Sutherland.  There was a whole host of other horror film actors too, some of whom I had even heard of.

Unwilling to pay the extra £80 for an autograph OR a photo with Kiefer (one or the other, 2 x £80 for both). Or, to be honest, even pay £40 for Alex Winter (Duuuuuude!) I was going to resort to stealth photography instead.

We were stiffed before we even got into the venue by two chancers in Hi-Vis vests asking for a fiver for parking.  I did say, “You know these pair have just got Poundland Hi-Vis and are out to make a buck right?” as my pal handed over a crisp blue one out the window. 


What did I say Roy?

We had a good wander and accidentally ended up at a seance run by a ghost busting group.  I wasn’t into it for several reasons.  Mostly because despite many attempts at it, I have yet to be impressed by a Ouija board. I find it mostly just ideomotor effect. Also, I wasn’t convinced that there were many spirits to call out to in a hangar on the outskirts of Stretford.  It was also doubtful that anyone’s nan was likely to suddenly ‘come forward from the shadows’ in the 10 minutes we had left before we went to get a seat at the Alex Winter Q&A.


We listened to the Q&A.  Not to be confused with Alex Winters who we have since discovered is a completely different person, who probably wasn’t even born when ‘Lost Boys’ was released.


I’d watch a lot more of Cbeebies if Alex Winter presented it in character as Bill S Preston Esq.  He was the only one I would have recognised compared to the rest. In fairness the movie is like 32 years old. We, none of us, look like we did in 1987! (Probably just as well in my case).







I don’t think Jason Patric or Kiefer did a Q&A. Probably just as well, as all I could think of to ask were inappropriate questions about that time Julia Roberts was meant to marry Kiefer but ran off with Jason instead. 
man said I wasn’t allowed to ask Alex Winter anything about Bill & Ted 3 or Keanu Reeves, as that might seem rude. I wanted to ask him what number he was thinking of, but any Bill & Ted fan already knows the answer to that.


Other people were not so bothered though and we got to hear that the Bill & Ted 3 film is finished. They were very tired making it, because they are now so much older and that they are hoping a trailer will drop for it next Spring, if not before.  It should come out in cinemas next August.  He also said that during the filming of Lost Boys, he was almost the Den Father, having to keep an eye on the two Coreys, who were the worst ones for high jinx on set!

He came across as a good guy and it was most excellent to see and hear him.


We then went to get some lunch and ride the carousel outside. Quite surreal with all the cosplayers around.  I saw Brandon Lee from ‘The Crow’ having a cig next to a bin with Beetlejuice. Several Jason Vorhees eating burgers and then Michael Myers, Pennywise the clown, Annie Wilkes from ‘Misery’ and David from ‘Lost Boys’ all rode the carousel with us.



We then hit the Scare Maze.  

There was a fair bit of conflicting and confusing debate in the line as to who was or wasn’t going through the crawl space. I offered to give it a miss to stay with the girls. Then Emily offered to stay with them instead. But Allie wanted me to stay with her, but that meant Linda would be a lone crawler. We asked the queue dude if the crawl space met up with the rest of the maze and he said it did, so in the end Linda and I crawled and met the other 3 in the middle. It was only a short crawl, but properly an all fours situation, while strange hands grabbed at us in the dark.  The rest of it was basically us blundering about shrieking as we witnessed realistic torture set-ups (great prosthetics) and tried to avoid zombies, clowns and killer surgeons.  Allie had a bit of a meltdown in the hall of clowns.  One of them thoughtfully showed us the way out but we immediately ran into a knife wielding Michael Myers, which did not help calm her down. Bless her.  #Parentingfail

She possibly had some kind of PTSD flashback to that time I took her round a Halloween scare maze on our friends farm when she was younger. It was pretty scary to be fair and  possibly a bit too much for a four year old.


The rest of the day was spent attempting to thwart the queue gestapo who marched up and down the lines barking “No pictures please unless you’ve paid” to which my friend (who’d got my digital camera on full  zoom) kept saying “Oh sorry, I forgot” then just went down a different line instead.







Oddly, one of the highlights was watching Tim Cappello AKA the oiled up saxophone player from the movie. He was owning that outfit and that performance and claim to fame 32 years on and also came over as really genuine guy when he spoke a bit at the end.  Used to play with Tina Turner apparently. Made that choker from chain from Home Depot aswell.  Been wearing it ever since I reckon. Same leggings too by the look of it.  At first I thought it was a bit sad, but then thought good on him for milking it while he can.  Have to say, the line for his autograph doubled after he had done his performance of “I still believe”.




I managed to resist spending too much money in the traders hall even though who wouldn’t want a life sized automated doll of Regan from The Exorcist (£350) or a taxidermied mouse tied to a bed?  Besides I spent all my money on two slush puppies at the bar for Allie and her mate. Stiffed again at five English pounds a pop! I shit you not!




Kiefer proved very elusive, being the main attraction and all. We got nowhere near the Lost Boys Cave Set (or the Museum of Monsters and Madmen for that matter). He was hidden away like the crazy wife from Jane Eyre. Not even a whiff of him, never mind being able to corner him in a lift or broom cupboard somewhere.  Had to resort to bastardising other people’s photos from Facebook and a bit of comedy photoshop. I defy you not to chuckle a bit.


What a lovely coupleIMG-20191020-WA0073IMG-20191020-WA0077IMG-20191020-WA0078

A good day had by all, we didn’t get our throats slit by psychopaths disguised as horror franchise cosplayers (because let’s face it we had discussed the possibility of this scenario in the car on the way there).  I doubt No2 child will be coming with me into any more scare mazes. And based on her scaremaze reaction, our visit to the theatre to see Ghost Stories on my birthday might prove interesting!

I did have strange dreams about being on a bus with a zombie Kiefer Sutherland Sunday night myself though.


They’re only noodles Michael

Bring on next year. Better start saving for taxidermy and slushies now.

Ciao Ciao MoFos

How to confuse an old bird

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So, on Friday I eventually got home from work after having to be rescued from a bus shelter on a council estate by my pal. Don’t ask! Fucking buses! Bloody 508 disappearing into a black hole somewhere between Leeds Headrow and my stop as usual.

So I got in, despondent and a bit hacked off, to find an Amazon parcel addressed to Kit Kit Kit.  Bemused I opened it to find this…


I double checked my Amazon account to be sure that I hadn’t made an accidental purchase whilst under the influence. But no. Not guilty on this occasion. (Because let’s face it, we all have at some stage!)

Was someone trying to tell me they thought I was on old witch? Who could it be?  A disgruntled ex pupil still bearing a grudge since Year 6? My husband trying to be funny? My kids sharing their true feelings about their mother? A friend sending me a gift of love or alternatively, an unpleasant prank? The mafia sending a message 2019 style instead of a horses head to the pillow? Could it have been Rosemary, the telephone operator?


Not being sure of its origins I kept it in the bag lest it be coated within with a toxic substance that might melt my face. Or some kind of ticking timebomb making my brain explode, like those Silver Shamrock pumpkin head masks from ‘Halloween 3’.




Yes. didn’t overthink it at all…


It turns out to have been a Halloween love token from a very good friend who had wanted to send me a severed head, but thought it might freak me out too much so sent the mask instead. 

What could my overactive imagination possibly have made of that do you think?

I don’t have a huge number of friends, but the ones I do have are all awesome.  Mostly as fucked up and weird as me and that’s why I love them. But awesome nonetheless.




Next weekend I’m attending another horror film convention in Manchester so expect a full review of our antics at trying to trap Alex Winter in a lift or pin Kiefer Sutherland up against a toilet door.


Noodles anyone?

There is a Swansea

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In an effort to not get cabin fever on the second of my weekly days off and to allow the Bman to actually have his day off at home without anyone in the house – I went into Leeds today so he could yell at his laptop in peace.

Not Bradford.


Bright lights. Big City y’all! Oh yeah!


Going out! and not wearing trackydaks or swimmers!

En route, I spotted this locksmith’s van which deserves some snaps. Well done that man with a van.


 a carriage of no horse drawn – belching Satan’s black wind into our clean and local air

I survived the bus journey into town despite having forgotten my mp3 or any headphones so I could listen to music on my phone.  Took a while to eventually tune out the incessant babble of the teenage girls on the bus with their,”yeah but no but yeah but no. but he said right, and OMG I’m so small I can’t even fit in a size 6 in New Look yeah because I think I must be like a 4 or summink”

Oh boohoo adorable youthful thin person. That must be terrible.


Once in Leeds I ended up drifting into Forbidden Planet to check out their Funko pop Vinyl sale and was ridiculously thrilled to see the legendary Pixie the Adventure Puss in the actual flesh fur! What a beautifully coloured tortoise-shell she is too, and I commented such to her ‘dad’.
I can’t see our Alan Lickman going for it with the old getting walked on a harness though.



Or Pepper, who would probably collapse with fright like Mr Jelly when a leaf fell on his head.  She almost imploded with fear the time we drove her 2 streets away in the car to the cattery the other year when we went to Orlando.

On a whim, when realising how close I was to Pieminister, I went in to treat myself to a lone lunch.  ‘Chooks Away’ (vegan chicken) pie with mash, gravy and minted mushy peas with a pot of tea.
Read my book and watched the world go by along Boar Lane as I thought to myself,
 “This is awesome. I’m a very lucky girl” and I felt rather blessed. Such a northern bird – easily satisfied with a pie.



Yes of course I took a photo of my lunch. #pieminister

I was about to head home when my attention was grabbed by a window display of Halloween themed items in HomeSense.  Showing what I consider as remarkable restraint, I resisted the urge to make purchase of a £15 large snowglobe of stacked glittery pumpkins which, when wound up, played the tune of, “Ding Dong the witch is dead”.  Surely some sort of award should be presented to me for such willpower (possibly a £15 musical pumpkin snowglobe from HomeSense perhaps?)


Naturally I may have to go back into Leeds after Halloween to see if it has been reduced, because of course that kind of quality item isn’t just for Halloween y’all. Get that shit on display all year round!

Ciao Ciao Bitches 


come sisters, we fly!


When I wasn’t kidnapped by a lunatic and didn’t have to go home naked

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So since I went ghostbusting last weekend not much has happened TBH.
I did run for the bus twice in one day and not piss myself though, so that’s a massive success at my age! Proves that the old pelvic floor exercises are working. I’ll be opening that Marmite jar before you know it. (See this entry from January this year World’s strongest Vajayjay)


Also managed to take 2 hours to get home on Saturday thanks to the 508 being an utter bastard. WYMetro FFS! It’s all very well having digital bus timetables telling passengers how long it is until the bus comes, but if you’re stood waiting, watching it countdown from 14 minutes to DUE and then the fucker doesn’t turn up – it would be an understatement to say how annoying that is. Especially when it happens twice.
Ended up getting a 72 and sharing a taxi the rest of the way with a random lady I got chatting to at the bus stop.  In retrospect she could have been a serial killer with an elaborate ruse to lure me to her underground sexual torture bunker. A female cross between Ted Bundy and Josef Fritzl or Tubbs trying to get a wife for David. 


Luckily she either wasn’t a serial killer or she is, and didn’t fancy the cut of my jib (or the all pervading whiff of chlorine).


Yesterday I had a micro drama at work when I got out at the end of my classes to discover that the key was no longer there for my locked locker. I keep it in my phone case on a stool at poolside but it wasn’t there at 7pm. I suspect it may have come out of the case and fallen into the pool and gone down the side of the bench.  


It’s not my nude day

After an initial panic and an offer from a swim parent to have a go at cracking the lock with a screwdriver, I managed to find a spare key in the office so was able to get dressed. At least I didn’t have to go home on the bus with my parka on over my damp swimwear or wrapped in a towel.  Bman’s car was in the garage so he wouldn’t have been able to come collect me if I’d rung him.


I’m sure it will turn up somewhere random eventually.


Think I might venture into Leeds tomorrow in an attempt to not sit at home on my day off, snacking gratuitously.  Otherwise by Christmas I will look like Baymax from Big Hero 6.


Must stop eating my own homemade cereal bars

Tinkering about after dark in Tod

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Yes people! It’s that time of year…

giphy (1)

No, not duck or rabbit season – but ghost hunting season.


Saturday night we spent the evening raking about in Todmorden Unitarian Church while the rain lashed down around us. 


I see a little silhouette of a man, scaramoosh scaramosh et etc

I’m not loving the official Visage Paranormal photo though because I seem to take up too much space.  Big hair, big Shadwell coat. All-encompassing an expanding body. Next time I’m wearing a smaller coat, tying my hair up and going at the back. And why are Linda and I holding our hands like that in front of us, all pious and ting?


Anyway, I digress. You want to know if there were headless horsemen galloping through the vestry. Faceless nuns gliding down the aisles.  Furniture stacked in unlikely ways.


In a word. No.

I did however see a small black shadow coming out of a pew near the floor and this was within 5 minutes of arriving at the venue. Full lights on. Towards the end of the night, also with full lights on I saw and ran (well, walked in a hurried fashion) after another shadow. Taller this time and not as dark, as it went across the the main door and round into the kitchen area. I thought I may have mistaken it for another guest heading to the loos, but there was nobody there.

Usual collection of unflattering selfies and randomness in my phone photos but as yet, no evidence of any class 3 roaming vapours (“I think he can hear you Ray”)


Did have fun raking about in the cellar and the bell tower. Somehow, against all odds, managing to obey the rules (dem da rules) and not pull the bell ropes.  T’was very tempting though.


giphy (2).gif


A couple of other people saw similar shadows to me so it wasn’t just my eyes. 

The only other excitement was Linda winning some Milk Tray on the raffle, but it was an enjoyable night regardless. Love chatting to the folks at Visage about other places they and we have explored after hours.  Looking forward to their Halloween event on November 2nd at Armley Mills, where fancy dress is optional, but naturally I will be getting involved. Am going to revive this number from various school trips there, in the hope of coaxing out even more spectral action that the past few times I’ve been there.

And to those mockers and sceptics – put your mockery and your money where your mouth is and come along. There are 3 spaces left for the Armley Mills night…if you dare.



Come out, little children (again with the pious hands)

and the rain slowly saps my life force away…

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We’ve gone from glorious late September sun, to utterly pissing it down and considering putting the heating on. I have felt my energy sapping today. Washed away down the drain like Georgie’s paper boat in ‘It’


There goes my energies

Bring on Halloween.


Today I have been mostly pondering how I managed to function in my former life on so little sleep.  I say little.  I slept enough back when I was working in school. But not to the extent that I do now that I don’t have to be at work at 8am. 
I get up to see that the Childerbeast have got up for school. I wave them off then lock the door behind them. I then slink back into bed for another couple of hours.  Yesterday, I didn’t. I stayed awake and got up and did stuff, and by the time it came to set off walking the 2 and half miles to work, I was like a zombie. I felt almost hungover.


Think Keanu may be onto something…

Today I sat in the bus shelter at the top of the road, waiting for the Morrison’s shuttle bus. It was late. Of course.  This is what I do now, when I’m not sleeping or in the pool. I wait for buses that never come, whilst listening to the same music over and over again on my MP3. (I keep forgetting to add new tunes and CBA with Spotify because despite my playlists, it keeps throwing randomness into the mix that I can’t get rid of because I am a technodunce). I watched the rain pour down while I ran over imaginary scenarios in my head and mentally berated myself for things I did or didn’t say/ did or didn’t do, decades ago.


After trailing around Morrisons, buying foodstuffs I probably don’t need, I waited again for the return shuttle bus, whilst people watching and pondering my life choices.  It looked a bit like this…

20190924_123639 (1)

I considered, as I stood under the shelter awaiting yet another late bus, whether to turn away from the blonde barnet in my older age and have a go at red again. But then thought I would probably end up looking like Myrtle Snow from American Horror Story.



Think I’ll stick with the blonde and eventually morph into some kind of Patsy Stone/Bubbles De Vere/Barbara Cartland character.

Right now the only reason I haven’t gone back to bed yet is because it’s Bake Off night so I’ll have to wait until 9 before crawling back into my pit.


If you too managed to survive another day. Well done you.  Have a cuppa to celebrate then get yourself off to bed to the sanctuary of your duvet. Then we’ll do it all again tomorrow.

G’night MoFos Xx