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Hey Lamo! Call me on channel 6

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In our quest to dig for victory, Bman has filled up our brown garden waste bin.  In light of the announcement from the council that these bins were not being collected for the foreseeable, he cooked up a plan. This involved me going for my daily ration of exercise round the block,  wearing cargo pants with pockets filled with garden waste. Emptying the contents as I went – Great Escape style. No doubt whistling the theme tune as I merrily went along.

I said no to this ludicrous suggestion. 

His Plan B was to, under cover of darkness,  stealthily exchange our full bin for the empty one across the road at the unoccupied house opposite.
Fate, however, intervened here (as it is wont to do).  As I was putting clothes away upstairs yesterday afternoon, I looked out the window & saw two teenage girls liberate said empty brown bin from said unoccupied house, in broad daylight. Not a single stealth-like fuck was given as they wheeled it off down the street laughing away to themselves.

Bman was most disgruntled at this development.

Cut to Plan C.  I won’t elaborate, but suffice to say, We have a new brown bin – currently being filled while the Bman finishes his digging. Let’s hope he doesn’t find a femur or manage to electrocute himself by digging up the electricity cable that connects the shed to the house (yes… that shit happened, but I made him put it back before either of us got a zapping). Or he digs up an unexploded WW2 shell or some such and ends up getting the whole neighbourhood sealed off by the army.
Anything that distracts him for peeping out the front window like a meerkat anytime anybody walks past and saying “Who’s this Big Brew?” in a funny voice (even more than he usually does), is fine by me.

I thought it was a testing time when he was looking for work before… The universe is testing me and my patience (and him and his) these last few months and so it would seem will continue to do so for some time yet.

🙂

Wonder which one of us will end up buried in this tatie patch next to the electric cable before the year’s end?

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Wilson says… dig for victory (but don’t fuck with the electric cable)

In a further experiment, on Bman’s tea break, I wandered up the street to see how far the range was on my ghostbusting walkie talkies. I got to the bus stop then turned back as there were some infected coming towards me (they may not have been infected but I was taking no chances in these strange times).  I then text my pal & got her involved.  She lives on the next street & has her own set of walkies and by gum, it worked! 

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**SIREN MODE**

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I think he can hear you Ray

Yes, It’s only Day 4 and it has turned into ‘The Burbs’ round here. I’m just waiting for the Klopeks’ furnace to burst into life and Ricky Butler to start painting his house whilst calling for the pizza dude.

So at least if the mobile network goes down, we will be able to still talk shit and quote random League of Gentlemen references at one another while society burns to the ground around us.

Nice.

🙂

 

Has it only been a couple of days?

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Day3 of official lockdown…

Yesterday looked a bit like this…

I made the youngest log on to her school online classroom, as she had already given up on academia two days in. TBH I’m not sure what’s occurring in the second picture but I know how they feel.

After 2 days of pottering about in the garden in the sun and being a teensy bit quietly stressed about the worry that I may be housebound for months and not have a business to go back to, my rosacea flared up. So now I look like I’ve been in a fire.

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Ouch

Meanwhile, I’m watching ‘Tiger King’ on Netflix. Well worth a watch. If you ever suspected you might be a bit barking – trust me, there are crazier bastards than you out there!

Ciao for now Xx

Day1 of Lockdown in the Brewer home

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Good news.  The eldest child, who has been indoors for a week, and who had a minor freakout last night, did not El Snappo during the wee small hours and kill us all in our beds like something from the Amityville Horror… so that’s promising.

🙂

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Easy now! It’s only been a week

Today we ( I say we. It was mostly Bman) have cracked on with The Good Life and dug up some of the lawn for a bit of future self-sufficiency. Bman had a funny turn mid-dig and thought he was having a stroke (because he’s an unhealthy bastard). Luckily he recovered after a sit-down, so is not clogging up the NHS with his infirmity in these times of dire global emergency.

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Digging for victory

I read a story to my nieces in Manchester via WhatsApp. I set up a colouring competition on my Koolkids page. Bman and I watched a live Instagram video from survival expert Ed Stafford on how to tie knots. Helpful for if we end up stuck at home for longer than 3 weeks – a noose? Tying bodies up in tarpaulin? 

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The full enormity of this situation has hit Bman hard today when he received a notice from the council that for the foreseeable future, the brown bin for garden waste will not be getting emptied.

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Lockdown Day1 – I’m fine. Everything’s fine!

Stay tuned for weekly if not daily updates on the thrilling activities we get up to at Casa Brew over the forthcoming weeks.  Or not.  Read that book you’ve been meaning to read.  Paint your skirting boards. Plant some seeds. Develop an alcohol problem from daytime drinking. Amuse your neighbours by working out in front of the window in fancy dress.

But mostly…stay indoors. Yes, it’s a pain, But you know it makes sense.

Ciao Ciao Isolated Mofos. Xx

Lockdown & out

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So last week, I ventured into a few stores on my way to work. I didn’t really need anything, I just wanted to see for myself what it was like out there.

It wasn’t great.

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😦

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This used to be a Starbucks 2 days ago…

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…not really. I’m kidding. It was a car wash ages ago – but joking aside, I think it could get this way before too long.  Beyond the Thunderdome times. Spinning the wheel of justice and all dressed in chainmail with colanders on our heads.

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Me and Bman- just popping to the shop for long-life milk and a Toffee Crisp

Since I took these pictures on Tuesday we are almost a week on.  I have had to shut down the swim classes. I hope to reopen again when we get the all-clear from this viral shitshow but behind the outer door of my mind, I worry that this might be the end of Koolkids.  There are so many other factors that will affect whether or not I can resume classes. I am hoping against hope it won’t come to that.  I love my job and already can’t cope with the fact that I did not get the chance to say goodbye to some of my learners – the ones who were moving on after Easter.

😦

At the moment I am preparing to hunker down in the home and try not to irritate the family so much that they gang up on me with pillows and knives in the night. Taking it in turns to do me in like something from Murder on the Orient Express.

I’ve been jokingly preparing for the apocalypse for years now – but TBH I imagined it would be zombies or an A.I. uprising or cats developing opposable thumbs and taking over the planet. But no. It’s an invisible enemy and I’m no Xena Warrior Princess or Sarah Connor. I’m a 48-year-old swim instructor now grounded & holed up in a mid-terrace in Bradford with a bottle of emergency gin, a Netflix subscription and an understairs cupboard stacked with jigsaws.

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BRING IT ON!

As I am writing this, our glorious leader Jorris Bonson is telling the nation it is essentially in lockdown. We knew it was coming in fairness, particularly when doylems had decided to treat the social distancing thing like a Bank Holiday and go out for picnics or chips on the seafront en masse.

It feels like we are living in a particularly dark episode of Black Mirror and I’m not sure I like it.  Whoever thought that they would miss the news being constantly on about Brexit?  Ahh Brexit… the good old days.  Fun times!

I saw on a Fb post that someone said it is almost like the Earth has sent us all to our rooms to have a long hard think about our actions.

Yup! They’re not wrong.

Theoretically, we should come out of this eventually with immaculately clean houses, beautifully tended gardens and buns of steel from exercising in the home, or all being able to fold ourselves inside out from all the online yoga apps everyone has downloaded.  We should also have a renewed respect for the world, for each other, for life.  But maybe I am hoping too much there.  There’ll always be some dickhead thinking it’s funny to cough in your face or kick you in the shins for a bag of fusilli and 2 pack of Andrex.  Don’t be that person.  Don’t be a cunt!

Stay safe MoFos. Don’t lose your minds.  Stay in touch now more than ever and Vaya Con Dios Brah!

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Xx

 

 

The joy of tech

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In view of my parents deciding to self isolate, surrounded by jars of duck confit and my sister in law isolating due to imminent birth of first child. Mine and my sister’s childerbeast now being at home for the foreseeable. My sister set up a Family Whatsapp group chat video group.

What could go wrong here?

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Jesus help us!

😦

😂😂

Shit just got real…

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Corona and IN

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Well… WTF?

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Yes people!  Strange things are indeed afoot at the Circle K.  Just as they are at Asda, Lidl, Morrison and Aldi.  It’s bleak out there. Shelves are stripped. Not just of loo roll and hand sanitizer. Tins of veg and fruit, eggs, sanitary towels, nappies, yeast to make bread.

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Remember that TV drama ‘Blackout Britain’?  Watch it on Youtube – terrifying!

I have of course ensured we have supplies, and my zombie apocalypse/Brexit grab bag is bulging and ready, but I haven’t got my understairs cupboard piled high with tinned peaches and Andrex (obviously I’m saving the understairs cupboard for a fallout shelter for the imminent breakdown of society.

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Taken from the 1980s Protect & Survive handbook

The buzz words and phrases of the week are; ‘self-isolation’ & ‘social distancing’.  Introverts around the world have been prepping for this shit all their lives.

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I predict a baby boom in 9 months time and a rocketing divorce rate sooner than that, as more and more families are forced to spend weeks at a time cooped up together. That’s if we’re all still alive.  Bman and I have already discussed digging a long-drop in the garden and planting our own veg (not near the long-drop of course).

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I’ve warned Bman not to go full Mad Max straight away. He is already talking about evacuating to The Orkney Isles. On foot if necessary if the petrol stations run dry.
You have to build up to the full Thunderdome. Not just steam straight in with spikes on the car hubcaps on week 1.  I have given permission to the kids to stove me in with a shovel if I become rabid then tie my corpse up in a bin liner and leave me outside though.

 

The prospect of catching this virus doesn’t particularly worry me.  Obviously, I don’t wish illness on anyone else. But people do sometimes worry me.  People en mass can worry me. Frightened people en masse are frankly terrifying.

We are living in unprecedented times. Entire countries are locked down and I suspect the UK will follow suit by the end of the week. My girls have been told not to go into school tomorrow. There are only classes running for Y11 and Y13 for GCSEs and A-levels.

Meanwhile, I am limping on with swim classes. The children are still coming. And until I am told otherwise (as per advice by Swim England) my lessons will continue.  The financial impact of potential delay to the start of next term or non-renewals does worry me a bit. But as the entire world is in a similar position I can deal with it – for now.  (Ask me again in a month when I’m scrabbling about for money to pay bills though).  So far Bman is still at work (he is now working for Jet2 – typical to get a job with an airline just as the world goes to hell in a handcart). But that could all change.

One day at a time (sweet Jesus) and all that.

Stay safe out there and try not to smother one another with pillows when you’re forced to spend weeks together in confined living spaces.  Rediscover the art of the jigsaw.  Play some boardgames.  Drink through it. Regrout the bath.  Hang that wallpaper that you bought 3 years ago when you were off sick with the mentals which has been stashed under your bed ever since.

Stay calm.

Check on your neighbours.

Keep all limbs inside the vehicle at all times.

Be kind.  FFS be kind!

PTz_2M

 

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