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I went outside and everything last week

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What a social butterfly I have been! It was like all the unsociableness (it’s a word damn it!) of the past 3 months where I’ve been holed up in the house all peaked at once over one week.

Wednesday, I dropped off my girl at her first big arena gig without her mama.  I won’t lie that I felt bilious as I left her and her pal once I’d ensured they got in OK.  Compulsory photo taken outside for Instagram (and for the press in case the shit hit the fan!) Was most relieved to pick them up unscathed.

Thursday, me and the childerbeast went into Sadford to the Alhambra to see the new Addams Family Musical.  Second row seats so the youngest offspring could see her hero – Carrie Hope Fletcher as Wednesday.  Samantha Womack (Ronnie Mitchell) was Morticia and Les Dennis was Fester.  I enjoyed it more than I thought. Particularly liked the song about Death being just around the corner. LOL. Reminded me of someone I know.

Saturday I braved a train strike and went to Manchester to meet up with old raving buddies – one of whom now lives ‘int th’Egypt’, so opportunities to hook up are a rarity.  The trains were extra busy – I ended up at one point, rammed so far up against the luggage rack by a man with a bike that I feared I may require the morning after pill!  #intimate


The sun was blazing and it seemed to me that everybody over the age of 18 was drinking! So we joined them.  Ciders in the sun in Albert Square. Why not?  We then moved to Spinningfields for something to eat at Thaikhun. Very nice. Thank you very much Jess for paying. You’re a star!  Further drinks en route back to the station and I finally lurched into the house at almost 9pm!


Charlie had let his Angels go to seed a bit TBH

The following day was a long awaited, long-time planned, meet up with (most of) the Crap Posse.  Yorkshire Sculpture Park was the venue – because it was cultured and close to all of us – and FREE (if you don’t count the £8 parking charge).  My apologies to anyone who may have gone there for a quiet cultured Sunday stroll among the art work and happened across a crowd of loud, uncouth northern lummuxes whose offspring were clambering over the sculptures with scant regard for the PLEASE DO NOT CLIMB signs and making excessively loud fart noises..



This lot weren’t much better



…and as for the state of Abba these days?? (note old skool style thumb over the lens)


Cousin Taddy Fred brought his new toy – a drone – so we had fun buggering about getting these ace pics and he attracted every child under 10 for a 3 mile radius, like a techy pied piper.

Top pic from FerdyFerd

Top pic from FerdyFerd


I want this in my home

Plans were made to meet up again sooner rather than later.  All in all an ace weekend.

Next Saturday is another Most Haunted Experience trip to Fort Paull in Hull with my ghostbusting buddy.  (If I’m still alive after first full week back at work)  At the moment though,  drinking the poisoned Kool-Aid seems like a great escape idea!

Providing I don’t succumb, It will be live-streamed on Most Haunted Experience Live on Youtube and Facebook from about 11pm.  Check it out.  See if you can see us and drop me a text if you can.


Ciao bellas






Magical Monday

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In an embarrassing bodies styleeee I thought I’d share pictures documenting my dog bite since Friday.

But all is not lost for there appears to be a wizard in our midst, if this flyer tucked into our car door handle, is to be believed.  

I wonder if he can heal bite marks? More to the point, did everyone on our street get one on their car? Or did he just get a vibe outside our house as he went about his magical business and feel like he should reach out to us to offer help?  Inquiring minds need to know.

I can’t deny I’m not tempted to call.

Ciao MoFos

Oooh shiny things!

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So I’m still here and not afraid of water or started foaming at the mouth or anything, despite sporting a very distinct bite mark to the elbow.

To celebrate living to fight another day, I went to a Bradford Literature Festival thing at Bolling Hall on Friday evening with my friend.

There were some ghost stories from a lady from York and a weird job interview type question and answer session between two authors and the Head of literature at Bradford University.  We’re still not sure who got the job or what the role entailed…

Afterwards there was a walk around the hall with the museum curator and about 30-odd other people, in the dark.  Luckily I had my UV torch so didn’t knock anything over like when I did an overnight ghost hunt thing there some years ago.

It wasn’t until after the event though that the giddiness began.  We spotted a searchlight in the sky and decided on a whim, at 1am, to go on a mission round the back streets of Bradford to find the source.  I hasten to add that we were in the car, windows up, locks on – because we might be a bit bonkers, but not yet completely certifiable!

Initial speculation that it was coming from the local gypsy camp (jesus tracker?) was soon dispelled and before long we ended up down the arse-end of Leeds Road outside an ice cream parlour. And there was our searchlight, in the middle of the pavement, bearing a sign saying HIRE ME, as it twirled around, shining it’s bat signal into the night sky.  Parked close by was a van with some men sat inside.
I took this picture, and as I was reviewing it for quality, my friend went all shrill and began winding up the windows and checking the door locks again and yelling that there was a man coming up to the car.  


BOY!! Go claim your new wives. Be sure they have good child bearing hips

I was still oblivious (as per) and thought she was joking until bugger me, there was an Asian Adrian Mole lookalike, sidling toward the car, looking as if he was about to sell us some shisha or claim us as his brides. 

 “It worked boys. we’ve got two.  Get the net and the chloroform” 

 “Send the boy, it’s his first hunt!”


My friend screeched off in the car, leaving ‘Adrian’ in a cloud of dust and bereft of wives.   We spent the rest of the journey home giggling like loons and speculating wildly, and without foundation, that young ‘Adrian’ would be getting a clip round the ear when he got back in the van.  Interestingly, the light ceased after this.  Possibly because it had been bundled into the back of the van and the traffickers, driven away in haste – their location compromised – to set up a new trap elsewhere.


We are investigating a fort in Hull in a couple of weeks with my old mucka Gene Genie along for the ride. What could go wrong?

Ciao Tutti Xx

The day I met Cujo on the way to the pharmacy

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Only I, could be on my way to chemist to renew prescription for anti-anxiety meds, and get attacked by a fucking dog!

Am not even making it up.

Walking along, minding my own business behind a geezer walking a massive German Shepherd on a harness. I decide to overtake, a good couple of meters at a ‘safe’ or so I thought, distance, from the beast. Dog turned, saw me and without hesitation, just went for me.

It took seconds, but the fucker had me by the arm like one of those dummies or dudes in oversized body suits when they train police dogs.

Geezer gave it a smack to the head and it was all over bar the shouting. And boy was there some shouting! Luckily for all involved, my friend was across the road and came to my (& the dog-walker’s) rescue and took me into her house. 

I feared for the integrity of my new ‘Coraline’ coat but fortunately it wasn’t rippped.  My arm, however, did suffer some bruising and a bit of a scrape – possibly from me pulling my arm away.  I was pretty shocked more than anything and concerned that the bloody thing just attacked for no reason and I could’ve been a child or an old or someone less sturdy. If it had bitten a child like it did me, it would’ve caused much more damage.

The dog walker came to speak to me later and check on me, explaining that it was his sister’s dog. She turned up at my house later, mortified and all apologies, saying she quite understood if I reported it.  Never done that before etc etc and when she walks it, it’s usually muzzled.  She said they had a small baby in the house. Told her I’d be worried if I was her and at the very least, keep the thing muzzled all the time!  It clearly has issue with yellow fisherman’s coats.

Just to make the situation more entertaining, the man walking the dog was a parent from school! #awkward


Went to another friend’s later to wave her lad off to his Prom Night. Turns out, dog-walker lives over the road from her. He was peeping over his privets, asking if I was alright now. Whilst probably thinking “FFS! This bolshy pair are mates?? Just shoot me!”


Alright here?? (ask me next week)

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So this was me yesterday.  Wasn’t even in class FFS!  But after a shite night of little sleep (I was sat on back doorstep at 1:30am just watching the solar lights change colour and wondering why only one of my pink flamingo lights was lit up, and other such important questions) I was a donkey woman on the edge!


No specific trigger to yet another meltdown. Just had a surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear of all sorts really.  Too crap/old/stupid to do my job. What a waste of space I was in all areas etc. blah di blah di yada yada. Usual black dog bullshit that sneaks up and fucks you in the brain with its big dick of depreciation and doubt at stupid o clock,  when you should be sleeping like a sensible person, with sensible thoughts, instead of thinking that it wouldn’t be completely unfortunate if you just died in your sleep. In fact it might be a blessing for everyone.

Of course we know that this is just lunacy talking – a spiteful crow pecking your head in with lies.  But when you’re overtired like a toddler and have a propensity for regret, self loathing and gloom, those pecks can dig in.  Especially after midnight on a work night.

Essentially, what happened then, after dragging my long face around the building all morning, going about my official business, was that someone said those magic words.  The opener of floodgates.  The key.  

   “Are you okay love?”

…and so it began…



There is though….


Cue, tissues and sympathy in the office surrounded by Management.  


Nothing like a lunch on your wedding anniversary with your hub and a reality check of an episode of ‘DIY SOS‘ to put life in perspective a bit though.

Today I have had further meetings – agreements have been reached, schedules rearranged and I feel less like a woman on one of those edge of the kerb moments.  Although today I forgot lots of names and have just had a blue with Bman over what my working week will look like next week because he is convinced I said something different to what I think I said. Have written it down and stuck it on the calendar to avoid further altercation or confusion.

I need to get out of the house. My head is shredded.

The bathroom dude is doing a great job thus far on the smallest room in the house, but the dust and noise is not helping my already fractured nerves.  Funny how much you can suddenly need a piss when you can’t go for one too!

So this weekend will mostly be spent watching Glastonbury on TV and not having a wash in festival goer solidarity.

So to anyone else out there, off their nut, the overthinkers, the whackjobs, insomniacs, the fragile of mind and the emotionally handicapped, the lonely, sexually frustrated or unhappy – have a good weekend.  Stay alive (if anything just to annoy everyone else.)

Remember this:- (sent to me last night by a good friend)



Ciao ciao Xx


Farewell cruddy old bathroom.

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Our bathroom is getting refurbished. Stripped back to the brickwork. Hottest week of the year – what were we thinking?  Dust everywhere. No door. Toilet is at least still insitu but I have to say that the image of Bman sat butt naked on the loo, like a Bottecelli angel taking a shit, isn’t for everyone.  Am thinking of replacing the door with a string curtain made entirely from those air freshening Magic Trees you see in taxis.
It’s going to be a testing time for the next week but it’ll be worth it in the end. At least I’m not 7 months pregnant like last time it was done.  Had to go for a wee every 20 minutes in a bucket in the shed!  At one point, the door blew open and I was revealed in all my rotund splendour to the neighbours.!  Also a sight not to everyone’s tastes.

     I’ve fired up the solar powered camping shower to hang from a tree in the garden but I can’t see the childerbeast going for it.  They may have to resort to using the bathrooms at school.  I’ve already warned my next door neighbour but one that I may be round on Friday morning for a shit and a shower.  Not sure that was what Brendon Cox had in mind for his concept of a neighbourly get together, but nothing breaks the ice like rocking up on the doorstep with a loo roll in one hand and a newspaper in the other, wearing nothing but a bath towel and a smile!

Ciao Ciao Xx

Love letter to my 1st born

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On this day 14 years ago, my first offspring appeared in the world. 3 weeks early, looking a little Simpsonesque with a yellowy tinge & still covered with a fine downy covering of hair all over her little body.

My mellow bird.


Little Hiccup

AKA The Bear.

A new chapter in my life had begun.  It wasn’t all breastfeeding in flowing dresses, sat in a sunny field of wheat.  I have been known to lose my fricking mind.  But I’ve never known love like it.  A mother’s love.


Me & my girl – School Halloween disco circa 2013

Now taller than her (s)mother. She is a beautiful, intelligent, intellectual and artistically talented young lady, on the edge of becoming. So impressed with her artistic skills that I recently had one of her sketches permanently inked on my body.

Go forth and be fabulous my lovely.  Do your best at everything schmoobear.  Make good choices. Be honest. Be kind, and remember that there will be days when things don’t feel right, when you feel bad. But they won’t last.  And if your mama ever tells you that a man (or woman – whichever – we live in an inclusive society after all) is no good for you – please listen.

We love you more than you can possibly comprehend.