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High 5 yourself if you’re still alive after 2016

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So it’s the final day of the year 2016 and time for my annual review.


Essentially, in the words often used in our house, when we were kids, when providing a synopsis of a film plot – “Everybody died”.  The day is still young so there is still time for Death to pull more names from his hat of finality.  This year has seen him taking rather too many for my liking.  For now though at least, I am still here and so are my nearest and dearest, which is what matters.

Despite the celebrity death toll, 2016 hasn’t been completely unfortunate for me.  I  have survived a cull of a different kind at work (for now at least), which saw other friends sadly fall by the wayside. My role has changed. It’s busier and often more stressful but do you know what? I still have a job and in these harsh times, I am grateful for that.

We have a new Prime Minister. Brexit happened – sort of – not yet – who knows when that shit will get sorted out!  There’s a new & controversial President of the USA. We lost British Homes Stores and it looks as though we lost Bea Smith on Wentworth too.


Socially I have reconnected with old friends not seen for many years, and that has been a highlight for me and reassuring to know that after all these years, they are still cheeky, lovable cunts. I may not have a massive circle of friends and I may not go out all that often, but I love the friends I do have.  I have even been asked to perform 2 marriage ceremonies for 2 different friends in 2017!


I have spent quality time with my girlies. My youngest is now in High School.  We’ve done a festival with my sibs.  I finally visited Brighton after threatening it for years. Had a great family holiday to Tenerife.  I have a new niece in Liverpool.  Bman and I have managed another year of not killing one another. We have a new kitchen (and another cat to shit in it). 

What’s next for 2017?  

     Investigating a haunted house next week.  Hooking up with old friends again in Bishop’s Stortford in March. A family holiday to Florida in April. A mum & girlies week in Tenerife at the end of July.  A return to Shambala festival in August and two weddings to officiate.  Also hoping to do Brighton Pt2 – The Return of the killer hangover, and get to see the lovely ‘Crap Possee Official’ at some stage, because it’s been far too long.  Looking forward to a Cards Against Humanity rematch including Bman, my brother & his girlfriend.  If only to see if we can possibly top my bro-in-law whispering the words, “erm, it’s dick cheese Paul” to my dad.


What could go wrong?

So, to summarize, in traditional picture form:-





Essentially how I have felt all year!


Baby Alan Lickman




Big fat Alan Lickman – in festive attire



Remember to trust your cunt in 2017!



Stay alive y’all. Be happy. Don’t take any shit. Brush your teeth. Try not to be too much of an asshole and remember that a little bit of what you fancy does you good.


Still here then.

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So I didn’t deactivate FarceBook, but I haven’t looked at it as much and to be honest it doesn’t look like I have missed much.  Thank you to those who private messaged me to ask if I was alright.

I have mostly spent the last few days explaining to small people that killer clowns are not to be feared as they are just silly people with nothing better to do than stand about in bushes waving plastic weapons. Ignore them! Don’t give them the satisfaction of letting them know you actually saw them.  It’s the ones without masks that look normal that they should really be afraid of. (I didn’t actually say the last bit out loud).

This ridiculous phase has even made it onto BBC Look North this evening. Complete with comedic scary looking clown imagery looming over a map of North Yorkshire.  Cut to John Cundy, Crime Correspondent, reporting very seriously, from somewhere or other on the matter.  Could only have been more entertaining if he had been wearing a red nose or a green wig.  Privately I am hoping that off camera, out of view, he was sporting giant hooped trousers under his mac or a pair of ludicrously bendy giant shoes just to try and make the camera man lose his focus.

You know I would have done if it was me…. and this is why I’ll never be a serious news reporter.


Meanwhile, to prove that the dead don’t scare me nearly as much as the living –  I have booked to go spend an evening investigating 30 East Drive in Pontefract in the New Year with my friend.  It is one of, if not THE most (allegedly) haunted house in the UK. (AKA money for old rope).  Quite the cash cow so it would seem.  Am considering installing Bman in the loft to moan and make unusual smells (skills he has in spades) while I charge £60 a head, 5 nights a week,  for people to sit in my lounge in the dark, asking if there’s anybody there.

Ciao Xx