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Things occurring

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Since my last post it’s all been go, go, go.

Been to the funeral of an ex-student from primary school. Very sad times. 

😦

Met up with friends at Brimham Rocks – although not as many as we were meant to.  We’re not nicknamed The Crap Posse for nothing! Maybe next time everyone will make it so we don’t have to drive an hour and half into the wilderness to eat a butty and a Wagon Wheel in the car.

😀

Bman may be on the road to new employment – so watch this space for more details on that over the next month or so. Fingers Crossed people!

Been for Afternoon Tea at the SkyLounge in Leeds, courtesy of my brother and his lady. Which was nice.

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I’m trying to boost my business by cornering the market in mermaid fins and tails, with the idea of running some pool parties – so that’s quite exciting.

And today is the 15th birthday of my youngest offspring.  Making me feel both proud and old.
We went out for Pieminister and a masterclass in loading up a pick n mix tub to maximum loadage in Wilkinsons (Half price during half term).

I’ve constructed a loaded chocolate cheesecake for her as a birthday cake, by wanging a load of Curly Wurlies and Freddos onto a Morrisons frozen New York Cheesecake.  Mary Berry times.

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Cholesterol alert

Remember to be kind to one another people.  It’s cold and crap out there – no need to be mean to one another aswell and if you’re feeling blue,  don’t be afraid to talk to someone.

#itsoktotalk

Ciao Ciao Xx

 

 

 

 

Birthdays and Brexit

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Happy Birthday to the Bman today. The Ninja to my Yolandi (that’s a regular-sized banger BTW – She’s just a very small woman).  Still alive Big B, despite all childhood and adult stupid (usually drunken) efforts over the years to curtail that state of affairs.

Well done you!

DA

Friendship goals level 10 – Ninja & Yolandi

40 years we have known each other and been hanging around one another like bad smells for about 33 years (and together for 24!)

Christ!

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Appropriate card from his brother

Meanwhile, Britain has actually left the European Union as of 11pm Friday.  Leave voters partied in Parliament Square clad in Union Jacks and spouting utter bollocks to anyone brave/foolish enough to approach them for comment.

Brexit Day, London, UK - 31 Jan 2020

I’m not sure that anyone actually knows what happens now. Although judging by some of the interviews I saw, I think some of the Parliament Square revellers thought that it meant that by daybreak that all the Johnny Foreigners would have disappeared in a puff of smoke back to where they came from. Spam and Egg would be the national dish of the UK. We would once again return to the glory days of the occupation of India, tiffin at 5pm and women no longer having the vote. A free golliwog for every white British child and the Black & White minstrels back on the telly.

I could be wrong.  I hope so…

I am quite sure that not everybody who voted to leave did so on an uninformed and racist basis. However, sadly I  rather think a lot of them might have.

In tribute to Bman’s birthday and the fact that we will no doubt soon return to the halcyon days before we were part of the European Union, we have just watched his birthday DVD…

Nookie

Quality birthday giftage

Our kids don’t know they’re born, entertainment-wise. They better get used to it. This shit will be back on our screens, mark my words. Along with Bernie Winters and All-New Schnorbitz.

Bernie

We’ll be watching it while we eat Crispy Pancakes and Arctic Roll from a tray on our knees.

Rule frigging Britannia.

😦
Addendum: Just saw this story. And WOW! Just WOW!

https://www.aol.co.uk/news/2020/02/01/brexit-poster-demanding-tower-block-residents-speak-english-repo/



Catching up. Growing old.

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Just had a weekend in the countryside with old pals, which was most pleasant.  Fresh air, good laughs, horses, dogs.  Good times. 

My friend has marks on her kitchen doorframe of the heights of the children and some of the grown-ups throughout the years.  It is confirmed.  I am shrinking. Check out the difference since last year! And no. I did not have shoes on last year and bare feet this time around.  Not sure what happened inbetween.  What’s that thing about being taller in the morning than the evening?  Maybe it was something to do with that.

😀

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Today is my youngest childerbeast’s birthday.  I’m not sure she was on board with me busting out the Teletubbies birthday banner I’ve had since eldest child’s first birthday.  Like a true Yorkshire woman, I do like to get my monies worth.

😀

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She is currently downstairs with her new nose piercing, playing Cards against Muggles with her pals.  A far cry from my 14th back in 1980-something.  I invited ‘boys’ round with expectations of what? I have no idea. They brought a couple of shit videos and my friends & I got ourselves Shirlied-up like dogs dinners. Pink eye shadow times.

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Die Antwoord cake.  Zef!

I am upstairs feeling old and decrepit, out of touch and preparing to feel even more so once ‘The Brits’ starts in half an hour and I can torture myself by watching it and not have a bull’s clue who anyone is.  Very much feeling surplus to requirements at the moment. In more ways than one.

Going to London tomorrow to see ‘Magic Mike Live’ where I can also feel like a has-been. Safe in the knowledge that there is a 99% chance that I will not be selected for audience participation.  * Do NOT even think about it!*
This was arranged months ago and am now wondering what on earth I was thinking.  Am sure it will be fine…

Onward from there to Brighton and I’m hoping that some southern sea air and setting the world to rights with an even older friend will take the edge off before I tip over the edge.  Not sure why we’re going all the way there.  Other supposed pal, a resident of the gay capital of the UK is being, is quite frankly, a dick and we’re highly probably not even going to meet up.

Just another friend who has decided I am no longer worthy of bothering with.

Nobody likes me.

Everybody hates me.

I think I’ll go eat some worms.

😦

(Have already switched ‘The Brits’ off.  Watching ‘The Goldbergs’ instead).

Ciao Ciao Xx

 

 

Have you checked our shitters honey?

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It’s Chriiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaaas!

Well, actually, It’s Boxing Day evening now so TBH it’s pretty much all over now.  Everyone is still hopped up on booze and high cholesterol foodstuffs and my cupboard is crammed full of chocolates and crap, but yup. All over!

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Since I last wrote, I am now only 3 years away from being able to take out an Over-50s Funeral Care plan and my sister is now halfway to 80. She had a birthday party shizzle in Chester on Saturday to celebrate.  Her circle of friends was, as per, on top form. If, by top form, you mean shitfaced drunk on shots and cocktails whilst still beautiful and stylish.
Every time I meet up with her pals one of them ends up sitting on me or falling over. Saturday was no different. I had to employ Team Teach techniques to help maneuver two of them up the stairs at the same time to get a taxi.  Standard!

 

Good night though.  Great to see some old faces and have a bit of a jump around.  Felt a bit rough Sunday morning but nothing a brace of Ibruprofen, a can of coke and a lie down for half an hour didn’t sort out.  Sister had a great time too and that’s the main thing.

 

At one point I sat on the loo looking at this menu on the back of the door, chuckling that it had been amended – then wondering if it had actually been me who corrected it but I’d forgotten. It is totally what I would do.

😀

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It wasn’t me, but it could have been

Birthday tea the next day with the Fam and nothing says Happy Birthday like a giant golden anus/vajayjay balloon, which I hope my sister is going to release into the sky on New Year’s Eve.

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Then home in time for Christmas Eve where it all went a bit National Lampoon in our house.  Cat shit on the living room rug. Then I managed to almost electrocute myself with the stick blender whilst making chestnut and mushroom pate (that’ll teach me to be vegetarian) when it blew up in my hand.  Later on, I fell off a spinny chair whilst using it as a leg-up to put away some gift bags in the airing cupboard.  Mashed up my elbow a bit. Then last night, the cat jumped off the bedroom windowsill onto the portable TV and knocked over a glass of water onto Bman who was ill in bed FFS!

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Favourite gifts from Santa and friends included a good bottle of tequila, an inflatable Jesus, some Grinch slippers and an instruction booklet from the 1980’s to explain what to do in case of an imminent nuclear threat.  Because that’s how I roll and how Santa and friends know that I roll that way.

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‘walks on water’ – got to test that at the pool

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Duck and Cover y’all!

So while I go and build a lean-to under the stairs out of doors and pillows and stockpile bottled water and tinned peaches, I shall leave you to wallow in your own post-Christmas food and drink stupors until the New Year.  May your windows be emulsioned for safety and your families remain radiation-free. And above all else. when in doubt – praise sexy Jesus.

Ciao Ciao MoFos XX

He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice

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Over the past 3 nights these marks have appeared on my leg during the night…

First this…

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Then this one…

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I’m pretty sure I’ve been marked by the Krampus

Krampus

So I may not get to be 47 after all if he comes for me before Friday.

Ciao Ciao Xx

Breakdowns and birthdays

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After a poor mental start to the week with a minor breakdown in the shed and then the following night a rather more vocal one in the house…

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… I deleted Facebook and the BBC News app from my Kindle, to make access to the World Wide Web of shame, shenanegins & shite, a lot harder. I will have to put much more effort into reading about what my friends are drinking/eating/watching/feeling and whatever hideousness has gone on in the world.

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I am feeling a lot less like a loonbag today after channeling my inner Esther Williams at yet another local pool.  Think I will systematically work my way around all the pools in the region to try and find my favourite.

We almost didn’t get in at all when the receptionist mistook my youngest for a boy and almost refused her entry to the women’s and girls only session.  Poor Al.  AKA Sonny Jim.

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Was showing my youngest and her friend a dive and seeing if I could make it all the way to the other end under water. When I surfaced (I was short by about 3 metres) the lifeguard lady gave me a big thumbs up and shouted “Hey, do you want a job?”

Yes.

I do.

That would be awesome.

🙂

 

It’s my eldest girl’s birthday today.  This time 12 years ago I was sat in LGI, literally holding the baby and wondering “WTF!  How am I supposed to look after this tiny thing?”  A dozen years later and I haven’t managed to completely break her, traumatize her or psychologically damage her beyond repair yet.   So far so good.

I don’t know what happened to the little girl who wanted everything Moshi Monster?  This year she wanted a windows smart phone (that I could happily have hurled out of the window this morning when trying to set the fucker up!)  Bloody technology.  The more it seems to evolve, the more I seem to hate it.  The only reason I continue to write this blog is because it’s like talking to myself without actually having to open my mouth.

I’m sure I’d be much happier if I was a dolphin. Just swimming about, eating fish and laughing away all day long.

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and then I went out, and it was dark and everything

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Bugger me I’ve only gone and made it to 42!  The answer to the meaning of life and everything!

I won’t lie, there have been a few times I didn’t think I would make it this far, and, more times than not lately, when I have felt and acted twice that age.  However, for a few hours on Saturday (once I had stopped myself nodding off in front of the ‘Strictly’ final and made an effort to Shirley myself up) I was 22 years younger again.  At an Old Skool rave night at the scene of the one I attended on my 20th birthday back when Old Skool was well, erm, not old I guess.

There were many faces there who were also there last time.  There were of course, just as many who were not!  This time around it was slightly more sophisticated.  There were less glowsticks and luminous fishing lures in evidence and not as many bobble hats.  The hotpant, however, appeared to still be doing the rounds.  By ’rounds’ I mean, literally.  Some bottoms are a lot rounder than they once were and the hotpant is not a friend to everybody!  Not at this age anyway!
  

Would it also be mean and unfestive to disapprove of anyone younger than 36 attending an Old Skool reunion event?  I can’t say I was entirely comfortable watching the dance-round-your-bag brigade, 20 years younger than me making moves to the likes of Asha, ‘JJ Tribute’ or Wink’s ‘Higher State of Consciousness’.

There were a couple of recreational pharmaceutical casualties but we managed to avoid making any eye contact with the gurner posse.  Could not help but laugh at the botox babes who couldn’t have gurned even if they wanted to.  They looked as though they were having a hard time articulating their drink order at the bar to be honest!
Also enjoyed the shriekers.  “
Arggghhhhh I haven’t seen you in ages babe”  etc etc… like every time they saw   a.. n.. y.. b.. o.. d.. y……
OMG!  Calm down love!

My favourite part of the evening had to be seeing what appeared to be the last remnants of a taxi rank workers Christmas party storming out of the venue in cracker party hats shouting: “Don’t go in there it’s fucking wank.  Wank Wank, Wank I tell you!”  Such a glowing review only made me want to go and investigate further.  To be fair, I wouldn’t have gone as far as ‘wank’, but it was little on the dire side initially.  Once the over 40s club had livened up and loosened up and the Sanatogen had kicked in though, it started to fill up and bounce a little more.

All in all, I was glad I hadn’t fallen asleep in front of ‘Strictly’.  There were faces I was happy to see, some that I missed and some I’d rather not have ever seen again, but I had a good time.  I stayed out until 0130 and could have stayed longer if my partner in crime had wanted to.
I had a lot of laughs and more importantly,  me and Miss Sunshine looked great.

Job done!

Now I am going to undo all the good work I’ve done over the past couple of months and enjoy some drinks and sweet-based treats and enjoy the rest of Christmas and I hope you all do too.

Ciao for now peeps Xxx

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me

You got anything dark & bassy?

You got anything dark & bassy?

Old skool pals

Old skool pals