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Breakdowns and birthdays

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After a poor mental start to the week with a minor breakdown in the shed and then the following night a rather more vocal one in the house…

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… I deleted Facebook and the BBC News app from my Kindle, to make access to the World Wide Web of shame, shenanegins & shite, a lot harder. I will have to put much more effort into reading about what my friends are drinking/eating/watching/feeling and whatever hideousness has gone on in the world.

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I am feeling a lot less like a loonbag today after channeling my inner Esther Williams at yet another local pool.  Think I will systematically work my way around all the pools in the region to try and find my favourite.

We almost didn’t get in at all when the receptionist mistook my youngest for a boy and almost refused her entry to the women’s and girls only session.  Poor Al.  AKA Sonny Jim.

esther-williams-3

Was showing my youngest and her friend a dive and seeing if I could make it all the way to the other end under water. When I surfaced (I was short by about 3 metres) the lifeguard lady gave me a big thumbs up and shouted “Hey, do you want a job?”

Yes.

I do.

That would be awesome.

🙂

 

It’s my eldest girl’s birthday today.  This time 12 years ago I was sat in LGI, literally holding the baby and wondering “WTF!  How am I supposed to look after this tiny thing?”  A dozen years later and I haven’t managed to completely break her, traumatize her or psychologically damage her beyond repair yet.   So far so good.

I don’t know what happened to the little girl who wanted everything Moshi Monster?  This year she wanted a windows smart phone (that I could happily have hurled out of the window this morning when trying to set the fucker up!)  Bloody technology.  The more it seems to evolve, the more I seem to hate it.  The only reason I continue to write this blog is because it’s like talking to myself without actually having to open my mouth.

I’m sure I’d be much happier if I was a dolphin. Just swimming about, eating fish and laughing away all day long.

dolphins

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and then I went out, and it was dark and everything

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Bugger me I’ve only gone and made it to 42!  The answer to the meaning of life and everything!

I won’t lie, there have been a few times I didn’t think I would make it this far, and, more times than not lately, when I have felt and acted twice that age.  However, for a few hours on Saturday (once I had stopped myself nodding off in front of the ‘Strictly’ final and made an effort to Shirley myself up) I was 22 years younger again.  At an Old Skool rave night at the scene of the one I attended on my 20th birthday back when Old Skool was well, erm, not old I guess.

There were many faces there who were also there last time.  There were of course, just as many who were not!  This time around it was slightly more sophisticated.  There were less glowsticks and luminous fishing lures in evidence and not as many bobble hats.  The hotpant, however, appeared to still be doing the rounds.  By ’rounds’ I mean, literally.  Some bottoms are a lot rounder than they once were and the hotpant is not a friend to everybody!  Not at this age anyway!
  

Would it also be mean and unfestive to disapprove of anyone younger than 36 attending an Old Skool reunion event?  I can’t say I was entirely comfortable watching the dance-round-your-bag brigade, 20 years younger than me making moves to the likes of Asha, ‘JJ Tribute’ or Wink’s ‘Higher State of Consciousness’.

There were a couple of recreational pharmaceutical casualties but we managed to avoid making any eye contact with the gurner posse.  Could not help but laugh at the botox babes who couldn’t have gurned even if they wanted to.  They looked as though they were having a hard time articulating their drink order at the bar to be honest!
Also enjoyed the shriekers.  “
Arggghhhhh I haven’t seen you in ages babe”  etc etc… like every time they saw   a.. n.. y.. b.. o.. d.. y……
OMG!  Calm down love!

My favourite part of the evening had to be seeing what appeared to be the last remnants of a taxi rank workers Christmas party storming out of the venue in cracker party hats shouting: “Don’t go in there it’s fucking wank.  Wank Wank, Wank I tell you!”  Such a glowing review only made me want to go and investigate further.  To be fair, I wouldn’t have gone as far as ‘wank’, but it was little on the dire side initially.  Once the over 40s club had livened up and loosened up and the Sanatogen had kicked in though, it started to fill up and bounce a little more.

All in all, I was glad I hadn’t fallen asleep in front of ‘Strictly’.  There were faces I was happy to see, some that I missed and some I’d rather not have ever seen again, but I had a good time.  I stayed out until 0130 and could have stayed longer if my partner in crime had wanted to.
I had a lot of laughs and more importantly,  me and Miss Sunshine looked great.

Job done!

Now I am going to undo all the good work I’ve done over the past couple of months and enjoy some drinks and sweet-based treats and enjoy the rest of Christmas and I hope you all do too.

Ciao for now peeps Xxx

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me

You got anything dark & bassy?

You got anything dark & bassy?

Old skool pals

Old skool pals

Chunderbirds are go!

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Movie quote of the day:  “Holy shit where’s the Tylenol?” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Christmas play shizzles all done and dusted.  My childerbeast were, of course, fabulous!
Family gift exchange all done last week in Liverpool & Manc and still no sign of my newest niece.  To be fair she isn’t due until Saturday, which would be an awesome birthday gift if she arrived on time.

2 more ‘get ups’ to go before the end of term and nothing says Merry fecking Christmas like a sponging down children’s’ coats and cleaning out their shoes when another child has projectile vomited in the cloakroom!  Snap on the Marigolds and fire up the Anti-bac spray… I’m going in.

Today kids we will be calculating the surface area covered, of a spray of vomit travelling at approximately 70mph, through splayed fingers.

It was nothing if not extensive!

😦

Meanwhile…. it is my 42nd birthday on Saturday and I am revisiting the site of my 20th birthday celebrations – Scarborough Spa.
I very much doubt I would fit into the same clothes, even if I still had them (which I don’t).  I do hoard my wardrobe items, it’s true,.. but not for that long!

Haven’t had a drink since October half-term.  I’ll probably pass out after 2 vodka and oranges and have to be taken home by 11pm!

🙂

cs-randall2

Have a cheeky Christmas

Forty (almost) & flabulous darling….

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TV Quote of the Day:        “Hello death, Hello oblivion” – Absolutely Fabulous – ‘Birthday’ 

Way back on this very day in 1992, the episode of ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ titled ‘Birthday’ came out.  I watched it of course, and have to say that my own 40th birthday seemed rather a long way off.  Yet here we are.  It looms ahead in 4 days time. 

AbFab-Birthday Episode

Back then, I was eagerly anticipating my 21st. A drug fuelled rave-off above a bus station in downtown Stroke on Trent with 2000 of my closest friends – many of whom I couldn’t have picked out of a police line-up if they hadn’t been wearing the same bobble hat & dungaree/cut-off jeans ensemble that they wore every Friday night like a  uniform.

Happy days!

Not so happy the following night though when my skin turned blue and my kidneys began to fail.  Not quite so ‘ecstatic’ then eh?

From roughly around that era.   Taken in the back of a removal van at around 4am.  I’m the one in the shades.
 
JUST SAY NO KIDS!
 

 

Who’d have thought back then that in 2011 I’d be getting staggeringly underpaid for teaching 11 year olds about graffiti; John Lennon; how to express remainders as a quotient and choreographing dance routines to Pink Floyd covers.   Strange times!

Never thought for a second either that I’d be married to a boy I went to junior school with, & deliberately embarrassing our offspring by dressing up as an elf and dancing in front of them and all their friends at their school like I did on Friday, but hey ho, you never can tell what the future will bring.

 

Broke up yesterday so have celebrated by getting shitfaced last night at my mate’s and spending today loafing around on the sofa eating chocolate coins & watching garbage in TV with the childerbeast & the MiL.

Merry Christmas. Xx