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Gonna start a resolution from my bed

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So now it’s 2014 and so far it doesn’t look or feel that much different from 2013.
I have decided against setting myself any unrealistic resolutions and instead thought it wise to aim low.  Something along the lines of
‘This Year I aim to loll around more’, or ‘In 2014 I will try and remain in the same state of stasis as the past 8 years’.  This way there’s every chance that for the first time ever, I may succeed in keeping a resolution.

Did everybody have a good New Year celebration anyway?  I received a grand total of 4 New Year text messages and 1 voicemail, which turned out to be from Bman when he got home from work, which said, “What the?  Oh Fuck you… fucking.. what the…?” swearing at me because he realised whilst he was calling me that my phone was on the bedside table.  (I was round at a friends down the road with the childerbeast).
He came round to join us and it was all very sociable until the dreaded booze kicked in!  We left before a full-on domestic ensued and promptly all slept in on New Year’s Day until lunchtime.  Nice.


I then spent the last long weekend of the holidays in Chester cooing over my newest niece and being highly entertained by my eldest niece, who is at that lovely age of repeating everything she hears regardless of appropriateness.  Note to self: watch what you say within earshot.



Started to feel lousy on Friday evening – a possible reaction to the thought of returning to work on Monday.  Thought I was going to have to blob on my friend’s 40th birthday night out.  Managed to drag self out in the end and eventually enjoyed it and was glad I went.  Always great to see old friends, especially when you realise quite how long it is since you have seen them.  Conversation essentially turned into a mass  offspring photo-viewing session on people’s phones and laughing about the dim and distant past; nights out and camping trips etc.

Went back to work yesterday and I all I have to say on that matter is:- It’s my job. I chose to do it.  Made my bed now have to lie in it, blah di blah di blah.  Too old to do anything else now; should have got a real job but I’ve no skills worthy of note so I’d best “make do with a bad a job” as my Nan used to say…


Meanwhile, in the land of escapism known as Television, who could ask for more on a Monday night than ‘Benefits Street’ and ‘Secrets of the Living Dolls’?    That, however is a blog entry for another day – thank you Channel 4 for handing me such golden writing material on a platter.


#AldiJobApp &

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Movie Quote of the Day:   “It takes more energy to keep quiet than it does to speak your mind.” – Day of the Dead

Name that Tune:  ” Why do I smile at people I’d much rather kick in the eye?” –  Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,  The Smiths

Nothing casts a black cloud over a perfectly fun day at the Farm better than an ‘Encounter of the Third Kind’ at the office door at 3:05pm (when I was trying to do something out of common courtesy aswell.)

What was I thinking?     I should have remembered where I lived!

Apologies to the exceptions...

Apologies to the exceptions…

Just a note: Do not start a war of words with me.  It will not be pretty and will ultimately end poorly for one of us.  Guess which one?


This encounter has totally pissed me off!


On the plus side – my workmates are all great and it’s Friday and I have wine.



If you haven’t got anything lined up for the weekend yet, might I recommend some televisual diazepam in the form of the Hollyoaks omnibus.  Here you can see yet another vacuous beauty get ‘offed’ at yet another wedding that ends in disaster!
If only for the classic
‘Tom Daly’ line from Mercedes the McQueen of all bitches, it’s worth tuning in.     

Failing that, I urge you to give  the ‘Sex on Wheels’ show from last night a go – now on 4OD .

Top cringeworthy moments included the lines “Why do you want to work in the porn industry?” / “Because I watch a lot of porn & like sex.” and “You can’t say dwarves now can you?  – Midgets then?”

I particularly liked the up for it girl with brittle bones who didn’t care whose bed she ended up in after the nightclub as long as she got a cooked breakfast in the morning.  Top priorities there babe.

Unfulfilling sexual liaison but a cracking brekkie!

Unfulfilling sexual liaison but a cracking brekkie!

Also, I defy you not to flinch when a man with a permanent spinal injury (who doesn’t care that he can’t walk, he just wants his erection back) has a go at restoring it with an appliance he buys from the Internet…. Yikes!
He’s also happy to share with the nation a heavily pixellated photo of his erect cock, in all its glory from before his accident, which he just happens to have kicking around… as you do…

Happy snapping chaps – just in case and all that!


How much is that doggy in the woodland?

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If you go down in the woods today… be sure to leave the kids at home if it’s after dusk!

Anyone else watch Channel 4’s latest televisual jewel in the scheduling crown? Dogging Tales ?

I did.
 It may surprise many of you to learn that I’m an open minded (if not that open-a-legged) kinda gal! But far from educating me as to the entire process – I won’t lie to you – It left me with more questions than answers and I’m not entirely sure where to start…

OK.  Let’s talk masks.
   I get the whole anonymity deal.  Adding to the mystique. The allure.  The subterfuge and, let’s face it covering up the ground-zero of a face.  (It’s not the years it’s the mileage).  But…

Q1.  Do they wear the same mask every time?  Like Superheroes, so you can tell if you’ve been down that road once before (so to speak)?

Q2. Why bother with the mask for anonymity purposes if we can still see your barnet and the distinctive tattoos on your forearm/neck/inner thigh etc ? (and the parakeet collection in the kitchen.  “Woah! Aunty Brenda!  Is that you??”

Q3. With a killer rack and bod like the bird with the absolute for real, original FMB’s (Fuck Me Boots). Why was she wearing a mask that looked like Roger Rabbit’s Downs Syndrome sister?
I know the old adage about not looking at the fire while you’re poking it, but holy shit and bejesus – her mask was terrifying.   Mixymatosis anyone?
It slightly detracted from the fab boobies and boots for me, truth be told!  Bit weird to be fair.

Q4.  Why go to the expense of the Venetian Masquerade mask if you’re then just going to lurch around the woods in your best Londsale trackie and trainers & then rub your norks up against your mates norks?  Stay in. Do it in the comfort of your own home with the heating on.

If you didn’t see it. I urge you to 4OD this gem and I defy you not to be entertained. The show segued beautifully from LiLo Lill of the FMB’s banging her way through Epping Forest “To get through as many men as possible” with optimum success; to ‘Terry’ sat in bed with his Missus, masked-up and chomping their way through a bucket of souvenir Alton Towers toffees as they told us of Terry’s lifelong dream of “having 2 women”. 

Next scene – Our Tel sat betwixt these pair of lovelies:-


“We’re gonna need a bigger boat”

At which point I began to suspect some kind of April Fool situation but I stuck with it…even when the camera cut to Terry’s car, which appeared to be some kind of 2 door Cinquecento.  There was no way these MoFo’s were getting in that!  (I suspect they took the bus.)
   These 3 however, did not stick with the programme, and after an unsuccessful foray into the undergrowth somewhere on the outskirts of Birmingham, decided to call it a night and get the night bus home for a cuppa and more toffees.
Our Tel, it seems, couldn’t deal with the whole
“people watching us” deal.  To which his new galpal (Big Bird in yellow) tauntingly laughs (along with every viewer at home)  “Don’t you know that’s what dogging’s all about Terry?” as she tucked her ample breasts back into her tracky top.

I have to commend the camera work on the show as also brilliant.  Forget the night vision footage of many pairs of man legs shuffling to gather around for a better view; or the arty shot of the open door of a Nissan Micra rhythmically banging away in unison to the noisy party  on the backseat.  It was the shots of the startled owls in the trees; the slightly panicked look in the eyes of the deer among the trees and the pair of otters hamming it up for the camera (who looked well up for it!) 

This prompted the response from the Bman of “It’s almost worth getting into this game to see all the wildlife”.

If Steve Backshall’s on board.  Count me in..  I’ll get my stillies on!

To me it simply raised the question:- With all those animal masks around, does anyone ever make a monumental faux-pas and try and get nasty with an unwary badger or too slow doe?

I can’t see me and the Bman heading down the gib anytime soon, in our matching animal print dressing gowns; one in a Greedo mask and one in a Darth Vader one (we have them… doesn’t everyone?)  Apart from anything else – everyone round here would know it was us and, in all honesty, the pickings around here are at best – slim (and not in a slender-bodied kind of way).

greedo-mask-star-wars                     “Use the force damn it!”              masque-dark-vador

By far my favourite shot though was during the interview with the grumpy old Jock who seemed to protest a tad too much that the doggers didn’t seem to be at large in his local woodland anymore.  He also knew an awful lot about the ins & outs of it all for someone who was so ‘appalled’ by the whole practice.
As he moaned his last…the cameraman homed in with a beautiful close up of his dog curling out a massive shit.   Class!

Ultimately, my conclusion was that it seemed to mostly be a pastime for folks with low self-esteem issues; people with an inability to feel the cold; fat people and lecherous old truckers (Fred West in a Fox mask).  Which is fair enough.


Meanwhile.  It’s been at least 4 months since my last battle with one of the major utility companies. So tomorrow, I will mostly be tackling First Utility, who I see (after checking my emails tonight after a lovely day out in York) are trying to stiff me this month for gas bill of £847.        DON’T fecking think so my friend!!!

Turns out I don’t know everything after all

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So Saturday night Gene Genie & I, over a few wines, were slating the upcoming Monday night C4 programme all about the supposed remains of Richard III found beneath a Leicester car park. 

nicked this from FB

nicked this from FB

Our condescending, scathing conversation went a bit like this:-

“As if it’s gonna be him?”

“Yeah I know.  As if we wouldn’t have heard about it by now on the Beeb or the Web”

**laughing and clutching breakfast bar before taking another slug of wine**

“Yeah hahaha as if they announce a massive historical event like that on a Monday night on channel bloody 4”

“Poo! It’s probably just some tramp or runaway or something – poor bastard”




Monday morning, saw both of us wiping copious amount of egg from our faces…

Now is the Winter of our discontent (or uncontent, or anticonent)

Still thought the TV programme about it was a load of sentimental tosh though.  Couldn’t take it seriously, as it was presented by the dude from ‘Horrible Histories’ who plays my favourite character – ‘Stupid Death’.

Hope next time it's not you!

Hope next time it’s not you!

Turns out there’s a lot of it about.    

It’s not though is it.?    

 If this skeleton is conveniently clutching a tray of burnt cakes I shall  demand a stewards inquiry!

It’s all very exciting but these better not turn out to be another Piltdown Man or the bloody Hitler Diaries.


Speaking of embarrassments… pity there wasn’t a Standard in my recent HLTA Assessment that covered ‘maintaining a poker face in an awkward situation.  I am pretty sure I would have aced that today when having to deal with a child who  asked me to speak to another child;

  “Because he keeps teabagging me & I don’t like it”



TTFN !  Xx





A Foxtrot Foxtrot Sierra kinda day!

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What a shitey start to the week today! 

Rain of biblical proportions, which is always great fun to stand out in without a coat, when the damn fire alarm goes off by mistake at work!  Fun, in fact only for the majority of the people who didn’t hear it and therefore did not leave the building to get soaked!

If that wasn’t enough to set the tone of the day, a spot of full contact wrestling on the floor and having ones glasses kicked off ones face is a pretty good reason to break that ‘no alcohol at home during the working week’ rule.

Make mine a large one please barlord!

That’ll teach me to say the magic words “It all seems so much better than last year”. 


More to the point, for someone who trawls the net daily for snippets and news –  I clearly missed the sign up sheet for this bad boy:-

If today was anything to go by I’d have been right up for that!  🙂

In the meantime, apparently It’s not going to stop raining for the forseeable…


Brollies akimbo!