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Tag Archives: Christmas

The black rabbit comes to us all in the end

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Been cleaning today whilst singing along to Christmas music. I cranked up the volume for ‘Baby it’s cold outside‘ and stuck a finger up at the #MeToo brigade who have banned it from the airwaves for its allegedly ‘rapey’ undertones.  If the lass wanted to leave, she’d have gone home. She wanted to stay and have another drink and maybe a bit of the other. He wasn’t pinning her down underneath the Christmas Tree and trying to get his fingers in her tights FFS!

I then turned the music off to show some respect when the funeral cars for my recently deceased next door neighbour arrived. Poor bugger has been bed bound for I reckon about 2 years now. In his 80s bless him.  Lovely man.  Bman went round there recently and then came home saying he couldn’t think of anything to say to him and ended up coming out with, “try hang on in there til Christmas eh?”  FFS!

Don’t bother with all that black hearse and dark suits carry on when I snuff it (which could be any time now, in 2 weeks time I’ll be 47!)  Forty fucking Seven?  How?  Why do I still feel and act like a 17-year-old? – until I see my refelection then I just sigh. 

Just chuck me in a dumpster when I’m dead and have a party.  Bloody price of funerals is astronomical anyway.  I’ve never spent more than £50 on a coat in my life so no point blowing the budget on a wooden box I won’t even feel the benefit of.  Stick me in the composting bin with the cat shit and leaves and spend the real money on gin and Es.

Dumpster

 

Going to pay respects of a different kind tomorrow evening. A farewell send off for a colleague who has recently tunneled out of Auschwitz to begin a new life elsewhere.  I found out today that this is to be a double whammy of farewells and good lucks.

🙂

To all those that remain I’m just going to leave this here and say that when it says ‘corridor’, I read coop.  Save yourself MoFos. Save yourself!  There is life out there. It’s not as we know it, but it’s life…

into the light

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Don’t know what to call this post so I shall just name it Dave. Everyone knows a Dave right?

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At the weekend the Childerbeast and I went to an open day at Leeds Music College. Just for a look around, so the girls could get an idea of what courses are out there and get a glimpse at what Uni might be like.  Obviously, we only saw the good stuff. The music rooms, the academic bits. Not the aftermath of Freshers Week or a ‘left to the last minute’ dissertation, a month’s worth of washing etc. 

Not that I would know anything about those things of course. Not having ever been to Uni because I’m too daft.  Closest I got was doing my HLTA at Leeds Trinity a few years ago and that wasn’t even on campus and it only took 10 weeks.  

Eldest child doesn’t want to go to college in Leeds of course. She wants to put some distance between her and her embarrassing parents. And why shouldn’t she?
Youngest says she does want to stay in Leeds and live at home, but give her a couple more years and I bet she’ll change her mind.

The best part of the day out for me was finally visiting a Vietnamese Street Food place on Leeds Market. It’s run by a couple I know from school, who now send their children to my swim classes.  Can highly recommend it. Check it out Banh & Mee it’s called.

The downside of the day out was that it served to make me feel like I’ve wasted my life. That I am too thick to ever have gone to Uni. That my children are about to leave me, yet it doesn’t seem two minutes since I was changing their (eco-friendly) nappies and blending veggies for their lunch.  My best bet now at accomplishing anything of any use is to make sure they do go to Uni and escape, even if it means I am left alone with Bman and just Netflix for company.  I came over all melancholy on the bus journey home, looking in through people’s windows wondering what their lives were like. Did they feel that their lives had been successful? Did they have enough money for Christmas? What if all of this was a total nothing? What if we were all like those people who live in the head of a dandelion seed or whatever it is in ‘Horton Hears a Who’?

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We’re on there somewhere

Or those tiny dudes who live in a locker at the train station on ‘Men in Black’ worshipping a watch

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All hail K!

I know that in the grand scheme of things everything is bollocks, but what if it actually really is utter, total meaningless bollocks and we’re all just plodding along on the head of a cosmic dandelion seed waiting for death and that everything we have ever done and will ever do, is completely pointless?

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Meanwhile, while people frequent food banks and girls miss school due to not being able to afford sanitary products, the skies this weekend are ablast with fireworks ‘celebrating’ the fact that over 400 years ago a bunch of dudes tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament.  Crikey, if we celebrated every time there had been a failed attempt at a terrorist attack at the heart of society, we’d be lighting fireworks 4 times a bloody week!

On that note, I’ll leave you so I can ponder how the hell I can afford to pay for Christmas – another celebration – this time of the birth of a man who may or may not have existed at all.

Don’t overthink things y’all. That shit will keep you up at night. I blame the thin veil at this time of year – don’t let the demons in man.

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Xx

Festive Family Times

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What a great Christmas I’ve had! 

Kept having these weird feelings that it might be my last.  No idea why.  Naturally I trust my insight is incorrect (like that time I was convinced I was going to win the Readers Digest jackpot draw on my birthday in 1992) but, just in case, I was determined to enjoy every last element of it.  And I have.
I’ve seen about 2 dozen Christmas films, including Elf, 3 times and the classic National Lampoon Christmas Vacation, twice (“
Save the neck for me Clark”).  I’ve embraced the mince pie, soaked up the Christmas Eve carol service at the village church at my folks’, drunk advocaat for breakfast and played shit loads of board games.  I wasn’t going to let anything spoil it.  Not even the fact that there is no longer a Turkish delight in a box of Milk Tray or Dairy Box (WTF?) or that there were no Ritz crackers at my folks’ or that I didn’t get stuffing again on Christmas Day because only the meat eaters seemed to get it.

It began on Saturday when we took the train to Chester.  Negotiated Manchester on foot between stations without getting too sidetracked.  Mum asked us to meet her in M&S foodhall in Chester when we arrived.  I though perhaps it may’ve been quieter to meet in Mecca during the Hajj, but actually, it wasn’t nearly as mental in there as I had anticipated.

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We were at The Moss within the hour and I had no plans of going anywhere further than the pub and the church on Christmas Eve for at least 3 days!  

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Pondering how the tree gets decorated

My uncle soon arrived and we had an evening of board gaming.  Much to the Childerbeast’s dismay.  Not because they didn’t want to play, but because it was like games night at Twilight Towers Home for the Elderly or One Flew Over the Bloody Cuckoo’s Nest.  Colour blind, long and short sighted over 45 year olds trying to make sense of the instructions on the QI game or the colours on the die in Trivial Pursuits.

Can I get a For Fuck’s Sake over here?

🙂

My brother and his lady arrived on Christmas Eve and after tea we all walked into the village for the annual “You WILL sing carols about a religion you don’t follow, because it’s festive” shizzle.  I had to endure it as a teenager.  Now I shall pass the tradition on.  This year was one of the mildest years ever.  I’ve almost had frostbite in years past, stood amongst the gravestones.

 

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Sibs


My youngest niece fell asleep.  My youngest daughter refused to join in whatsoever and sat on a tomb with a face liked a smacked arse.  No doubt to the amusement of my mother who was probably thinking that what goes around comes around.

🙂

Quick snifter in the Ring O’Bells (AKA The Four Ales) before heading back home to await Bman’s arrival.  Then last orders in The Plough.

Christmas morning.  Leisurely buffet breakfast and then when the neicelings arrived at 10am it was present opening time.

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He’s Beeeeeeeeen!

 

Traditional advocaats all round and let the joy of giving commence.  So glad Mum liked her Ruby Shoo boots and my dad liked his League of Gentlemen live ticket (for local people).  Happy childerbeast. Happy family. Happy me.

All good.

Lunchtime mission to the pub for a cheeky pre-dinner gin. 

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Gin as big as niece’s head

Met up with extended in-laws. Youngest neiceling fell asleep again so I took her home. Then it was time for dinner.  We sat down at 3pm and didn’t clear the last things away till after 6pm!  Several courses, crackers that played tunes, games inbetween courses and a flaming pud. (no burnt sleevage this year – well done dad).

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Time for a lie down after the washing up before further guests arrived at 9pm for a late supper.  Muchas gin ensued and a game of Cards Against Humanity with my new expansion packs and some hand written blank cards.  Not awkward at all with the folks.  Particularly when questioned by my pops as to whether I had written out the card that read, “Riding Tom Hardy Like Seabiscuit“.

#awks (but funny)

Boxing Day was much of the same quality family time, more board games, very competitive bingo and a descent into gambling addiction playing Dad’s ‘Canadian’ game for cold hard cash.

Next day was time to check out and give my mum and dad some peace and their home back.  We headed to Liverpool for a visit to the brother in law and his wife.  Another huge dinner, own body weight in Quality Street and a bit more gin.

Nice

Yesterday we had a flying visit from Grandma on her way to Liverpool and today we’ve done fuck all except watch films on TV.  Kung Fu Panda, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Up, Room on the Broom and Brave.  My excuse it that it snowed last night so I didn’t want to go outside.

Lazy but loving it.

I may venture out tomorrow but failing that it will be Sunday.  New Year’s Eve – I’m spending it with my sister.  Probably all be asleep by 11pm but that’s okay.

I hope you all had as lovely a Christmas holiday as I did and I hope it doesn’t take too long for you to shift the timber you put on with cheese and crackers and chocolates.

Feliz Navidad and Joyeux Noel Xx

Survived another year (unbelievably)

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Not written in a while.  Basically as I couldn’t be arsed and time has got away from me.

Thought I better crack on a bit before Christmas.  Yesterday was my mothercluckin birthday y’all! 

46!

WTF?

How?

Bman and I stayed overnight in York at the allegedly haunted Golden Fleece Inn.  I almost went alone because he had a pre-Christmas attack of maudlin arseishness the night before and flounced off into the night.  He came back after an hour and a half after deciding not to chuck himself off the railway bridge (and he couldn’t find anywhere to sit down).

Anyway, off we went.  Had a flirt round York with the hundreds of other Christmas shoppers.  Then checked in to the extremely crooked hotel.  It made our house look expertly built.  It was like staying at one of those crazy houses at the fair.  But, they had a decent gin selection, a busy bar, lots of ghost stories on the wall.  The room was lovely and warm and the breakfast was crackin’.

Had to take this pic of comedy phallic shadow.  You jealous ladies?  Dont’ be.  This is not Bman with his birthday present for me.  It’s the bed post.

 

There was a resident skeletal barfly in festive garb.  What more could you ask for?

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Then it was back to Sadders, collect the kids from their respective pal’s.  Made myself (with a bit of help from Rho) a birthday Yule log (pagan times) and then it was out again into Leeds for tea.

Pieminister. Man I love their pies.  Went for a Christingle this time as a change from my usual Mushroom and Asparagus and went home contentedly full and feeling blessed.


Thank you to everyone for birthday wishes and cards and gifts.  Looking forward to seeing family tomorrow.  Couldn’t see them on Tuesday as planned because me and the childerbeast were too ill with cold.  Boo! Bahh! Crap! So not had cards yet from Fam as we were exchanging them at nieceling’s birthday tea, which I was bummed to have to miss.

😦

Ah well.  Better to keep our lurgies to ourselves I suppose.

May you have a snot-free festive holiday.  Eat, drink. Be merry. Don’t forget the homeless. Be kind and enjoy.

Feliz Navidad.  Joyeux Noel. 

Ciao Tutti! Xx

Tis the season to be maudlin

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Song Lyric of the Day:  “Sometimes I just feel like quitting. I still might. Why do I put up this fight?  Why do I still write? – 8 Mile, Eminem

Movie Quote of the Day:  “Don’t you sometimes hate yourself? / Constantly!” – Sunset Boulevard

Broke up for Christmas holidays on Friday. TFFT!  After a week of Christmas parties, visits from Santa, pantomimes and helping dole out school Christmas dinners – I am DONE!  Avoided the work night out & took to my bed after a hot bath. I just wanted to get into bed and stay there until January but hey ho (ho ho) – shit to do, places to be.  I had a 3rd birthday party to attend in Manchester the next day. 

Rave on!

After sleeping on the sofa due to waking up with a headache and Bman in full drunken snoring mode, I got back into bed.  Ended up beefing over fuck knows what. Feeling crap and useless I think. Initially brought on by poor show of festive love tokens from the children this year despite having taught most of them so far this school year.
Mostly I was upset because I remembered that I am a jackass. Always being a daft cow, waste of space, always will be.  Most of the time I switch that off but every now & then I remember & I feel bad.

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Bman helpfully supported me through my pity party with his customary “FFS! WTF is it now?” Then proceeded to tell me about a dream he’d had where he’d also cried for no reason aswell.  Strangely, this seemed to help snap me out of whatever it was that was happening and spurred me into getting up and getting ready for our trip to Manchester.  Also, I needed another cuppa and it didn’t look like anyone else was going to make me one.

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After coughing up my guts on the train with people looking at me like I was the one who starts some kind of epidemic like that movie Outbreak, I decided to get fucked up on as much non prescription meds as I could.  Mucus relief liquid something or other.  Down in one to the warrior!

Arrived in Manchester and went on a mission to find a purple liquid eyeliner. Was beginning to wonder who I had to sleep with to obtain such an item when I remembered our friend Captain Ebay! One should be with me in time for my birthday on Wednesday (Which is NOT my 50th thank you very much).

Town was insane because it was the last Saturday before Christmas, so we didn’t hang about before heading off to my sister’s for the 3rd birthday gig.

Great to see some of the Fam and the niecelings all giddy as loons for Christmas and birthdays etc.  Even funner to see their little faces when ‘Rapunzel’ arrived.  Natch, sis & I had to get in on the photo opp. TBH I think she skimped on the hair. Not long enough by a long shot.

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Glad you can’t see the snot stain on my dress from where I had a huge coughing fit

 

Once all the children had gone I had a cheeky jump on the bouncy castle (not in a Rita Sue & Bob Too type way).  My sister has the photos of that, otherwise of course I’d include those right here in all their glory.  I didn’t even piss my pants and my nieces thought it was ace that Aunty Tit was being silly.

This morning we ran the gauntlet of town again.  Let’s get her a Build a Bear for her birthday I said. Let’s go in on the Sunday before Christmas I said. Hey at least nobody else in Manchester was in the Build a Bear store then. At least City weren’t playing Arsenal or anything and everybody had clearly finished their Christmas shopping.  Fooks sake!  Busy is not the word.  Neiceling had an emotional breakdown in the queue in the store as we waited to get stuffed.  I don’t think she really knew what was going on.  My youngest ended up getting roped in (at my insistence, as I took photos for bribery purposes) at pressing the fluff foot pedal to stuff the bear.

We finally escaped, 50 sheets lighter, with a princess bear that smells of cupcakes, in a Beauty & the Beast costume.  Tried to go for full English at my brother’s restaurant but it was slammed busy. Ended up with an inferior sub-standard Co-Op sandwich meal deal on the train.  Bman, redeeming himself for not being in a fit state to pick us up from the train station after his night out, by making me a full English (veggie style obvs) for my tea.  He had text me asking if it was ok if the DJ from the party could stay with us for a few days.  I wasn’t sure if he was fucking with me or not so I half expected to find him & an aged old-skool acid house legend partying away in the kitchen with lasers & fog machine on turbo!  Fortunately he had only been kidding me on.  Good job really, as we had to abandon the airbed in Manc after it finally gave up. Dunno where the geezer would’ve slept.

Now it’s time for bed, where I intend to stay until Tuesday and be grateful for the roof over my head and being warm and not having to sleep in a doorway or know anyone personally who has to sleep in a doorway.  I saw too much of that today as I blew £50 on a fucking cuddly toy.  Not helping my inner brain turmoil of ‘isn’t the world just a bit shit’.

😦

I can see a donation to Centrepoint on the horizon, when what I really want to do is invite them all home for a wash in our shit shower. Make them a fish finger sandwich & ask them what happened in their life to reduce them to such a mess.

😦

Ciao Tutti Xx

It’s Chriiiiisstmaaaaaas!

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Great birthday weekend at The Moss with my Fam and overnight stay in Manc with the Bman (minus my bro who was eye deep in sprouts and mince pies at work as a chef).  Had a wander round the German markets, some alfresco cocktails and a lovely birthday meal at Zizzi.
Loved spending time with my little niecelings too.  Christmas is so much more magical with smallies on the scene.  My two are just at an age when they don’t believe any more.  Makes buying gifts and putting them under the tree a lot easier but a small part of me died when it was clear they no longer believed.

I read them this book though… and we all had a tiny teary moment.

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A great book for just when they reach ‘that age’. All about the joy of sharing and giving.

While at The Moss my mum got out a box of old photos and birthday cards and momentos which entertained me for far too long.  Misspelled ‘bithday’ cards, swimming and cycling proficiency certificates and such gems as these:

IMG_20151220_095737_kindlephoto-83328503Me and my Pops circa 1972/3

IMG_20151220_094531_kindlephoto-80468853My bad-ass Hadham Hall self circa 1985/6

Priceless. 

🙂

My own daughter contributed to the momento box this year with a quality homemade birthday card for me with ‘Dirthday’ on the front with a hastily drawn line on the D to try, unsuccessfully, to make it look like a B.  If that wasn’t amusing enough, the inside said ‘Merry Christmas’.

Brilliant. Xx

Meanwhile…. we saw Star Wars – The Force Awakens last night.  Booked the tickets over a month ago.  Very excited.  Wore my Mos Eisley Cantina Bar tee shirt I bought especially.

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Just saying Odeon Leeds/Bradford – it’s not like you didn’t know hundreds of people would be trying to see this movie at any one time.  You might want to ensure that there’s paper in the print your own ticket machine, otherwise the whole process is pointless.  After getting slightly agitated with the dude on the desk and running up and down the stairs a couple of times to speak to different, useless individuals, then losing my shit a bit with the dude again, we managed to get in and get sat together.  I just prayed it was worth it.

It totally was!

I loved it.  I wept a couple of times and loved the fact that at times I would steal a look at my youngest and we both had matching expressions.  Our gamut of emotions went something a bit like this:-

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I want to see it again immediately.  Yes I am a geek and I don’t care.

Happy Christmas one and all.  I hope you all get what you want and a few surprises.  Eat, drink and be merry and… may the force be with you.

Ciao dudes Xx

Driving home (after) Christmas…

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To the tune of ‘Do you wanna build a snowman?’ Altogether now….

“Do you wanna push a Skoda.  Across the motorway in snow? Wait for 90 minutes with the children. Turning blue and wishing we were already home….”

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Griswold Christmas vacation joys…. Note to self Mr B – wear some grundies under your baggy saggy trackydacks, as you never know when you may have to stand on the highest motorway in the UK in 3inches of snow!  #chillybott

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There goes Bman’s Christmas money…(and not mocking my new body warmer now eh?)

BTW if you see a woman and children stood in the snow on the motorway and you drive by bipping the horn, waving & laughing, then you, my friend, are a twat and a cunt!

Thank you to the young lad who stopped to help us push the car across the motorway and to the possible serial killer with the Derby accent who offered to drive me and the Childerbeast to the services (in all likelihood to abuse us at leisure in the back of his van).

🙂

#FFS