RSS Feed

Tag Archives: Christmas

Anybody know what day it is?

Posted on

We’re in that holiday wasteland of betwixt Christmas and New Year. Lucky enough to not have to be in work but now trapped in the house pondering what to do/eat/drink/watch next. 

A bit like this in our house just now… it could go either way if I don’t get out of the house and away from the Fam soon.

JackN

We did all venture into Leeds yesterday, which was as unhealthy as it sounds.  Lunch at Taco Bell en famille then parted ways because, as I explained to the Bman, why the fuck would two teenage girls want to go round the shops with their Christmas money with their parents in tow?
I abandoned the queue for the changing rooms in Debenhams and decided to just buy the bloody dress regardless.  Then the fates intervened and the queue for the cash desk was also irritatingly slow – how long does it take to exchange one pair of jeans for another pair FFS? – so I abandoned the purchase altogether and we went home.

In the evening we decided to watch ‘Birdbox’ on Netflix.  I’d added it to my watch list long before all the hype on Twitter so thought we best get it seen before some cunt gave the all the spoilers away online.  I was warned by eldest offspring not to “do what you always do Mum” – which is to say, announce the plot twist/outcome just before the denouement. What can I say? It’s a witchy intuitive thing.  TBH I was too preoccupied with how amazing Sandra Bullock looks for 54 to blurt out any spoilers.

sandra-bullock-west-hollywood-home-263078-1531756901360-main.700x0c

Why yes… I believe I would…

Great film though.  Kids then watched ‘Bandersnatch’ – the ‘Black Mirror’ pick your path episode.  I took their word for it that it was decent.  I can’t be arsed farting about choosing cereals and plot choices. Was never into those pick your path stories as a kid either.

Today and over the next couple of days, I have a list of dumb jobs I need to do because they need doing and if I don’t have some kind of purpose, I may hurt someone.   The Childerbeast have already mocked me for writing up phone numbers for work in an address book.  Apparently, that’s ‘such a Mum thing to do’.   We’ve sorted our wardrobes out and Bman has been to do a drop-off at the local charity shop.  I’ve changed the shower curtain and vacpacked the Christmas jumpers/PJs/Slippers back up to go back in the loft until next year.  I have a stack of ironing to do and the rest of the festive food and drink to get rid of. Also, need to test the landline phone. It fell into my glass of Advocaat on Christmas morning (don’t judge me!) and sounded a bit quiet when we spoke to Bman’s mum.  Not used it since. Need to check to see if it’s totally fucked or not.

giphy-1

Me

I expect that by the time I return to work on the 8th, I will be able to perform this trick.

Homercan.gif

skills to aspire to

We are on high home invasion alert after a house was broken into yesterday only a few doors up from us – at tea time no less!
With tempers and tensions being heightened at Chez Brew, I think it would be unwise of any would-be burglar to give it a shot at our house. Not that we’ve anything worth stealing. They’d be more likely to leave stuff behind for us out of pity TBH.  Nonetheless I am fully prepared to protect my family and my property (if I’m not too fat full of booze and Christmas food to get up off my arse).

e3368c3646eee88169a6435e800ec19b

Don’t make me come down there y’all!

For now, I’m watching ‘Escape to Victory’ and planning my own escape (but from holiday limbo ennui rather than a German prisoner of war camp).

tumblr_inline_nv8ed0XG6u1rmrze6_540

No no, one of us needs to go outside even if it’s just to the bin

The usual round of the year in pictures and memes will doubtless be posted on Monday (that’s NYE for those of you who have now lost all concept of days and time). That’s unless I’ve had a heart attack before then.  Every day I am convinced this is how I will die.  “must get healthier. Must get healthier!” (as she pours another drink and pops more Pringles).

Ciao Ciao Xx

 

Advertisements

Have you checked our shitters honey?

Posted on

It’s Chriiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaaas!

Well, actually, It’s Boxing Day evening now so TBH it’s pretty much all over now.  Everyone is still hopped up on booze and high cholesterol foodstuffs and my cupboard is crammed full of chocolates and crap, but yup. All over!

download

Since I last wrote, I am now only 3 years away from being able to take out an Over-50s Funeral Care plan and my sister is now halfway to 80. She had a birthday party shizzle in Chester on Saturday to celebrate.  Her circle of friends was, as per, on top form. If, by top form, you mean shitfaced drunk on shots and cocktails whilst still beautiful and stylish.
Every time I meet up with her pals one of them ends up sitting on me or falling over. Saturday was no different. I had to employ Team Teach techniques to help maneuver two of them up the stairs at the same time to get a taxi.  Standard!

 

Good night though.  Great to see some old faces and have a bit of a jump around.  Felt a bit rough Sunday morning but nothing a brace of Ibruprofen, a can of coke and a lie down for half an hour didn’t sort out.  Sister had a great time too and that’s the main thing.

 

At one point I sat on the loo looking at this menu on the back of the door, chuckling that it had been amended – then wondering if it had actually been me who corrected it but I’d forgotten. It is totally what I would do.

😀

DSC_3378.JPG

It wasn’t me, but it could have been

Birthday tea the next day with the Fam and nothing says Happy Birthday like a giant golden anus/vajayjay balloon, which I hope my sister is going to release into the sky on New Year’s Eve.

DSC_3414

Then home in time for Christmas Eve where it all went a bit National Lampoon in our house.  Cat shit on the living room rug. Then I managed to almost electrocute myself with the stick blender whilst making chestnut and mushroom pate (that’ll teach me to be vegetarian) when it blew up in my hand.  Later on, I fell off a spinny chair whilst using it as a leg-up to put away some gift bags in the airing cupboard.  Mashed up my elbow a bit. Then last night, the cat jumped off the bedroom windowsill onto the portable TV and knocked over a glass of water onto Bman who was ill in bed FFS!

tenor.gif

Favourite gifts from Santa and friends included a good bottle of tequila, an inflatable Jesus, some Grinch slippers and an instruction booklet from the 1980’s to explain what to do in case of an imminent nuclear threat.  Because that’s how I roll and how Santa and friends know that I roll that way.

DSC_3446

‘walks on water’ – got to test that at the pool

DSC_3448.JPG

Duck and Cover y’all!

So while I go and build a lean-to under the stairs out of doors and pillows and stockpile bottled water and tinned peaches, I shall leave you to wallow in your own post-Christmas food and drink stupors until the New Year.  May your windows be emulsioned for safety and your families remain radiation-free. And above all else. when in doubt – praise sexy Jesus.

Ciao Ciao MoFos XX

He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice

Posted on

Over the past 3 nights these marks have appeared on my leg during the night…

First this…

DSC_3333

Then this one…

DSC_3332

I’m pretty sure I’ve been marked by the Krampus

Krampus

So I may not get to be 47 after all if he comes for me before Friday.

Ciao Ciao Xx

A little bit meh today…

Posted on

Today was my turn for a pre-Christmas existential crisis, possibly sparked by having a dream last night about lying under the duvet on Christmas Eve and hearing Santa delivering presents.  I then awoke to the realization that actually there was no magic in the World and everything was a bit shit.  I sat on the couch in my festival poncho to keep warm after the heating had gone off for the day, watching BBC Newsfeed and wishing I never had to hear the word Brexit ever again.  Was also mega hacked off that daughter number 1’s ‘prom’ dress she wanted (for next June) and asked me to order on Black Friday, had arrived yesterday…but she hates it. (I thought it looked lovely – but what do I know? I’m just her mother).  The retailer won’t refund unless there is actually something wrong with it – no refunds for change of heart. So that’s me taking a £110 bath and stuck with a lovely dress of no use to anyone. Certainly not me – one week away from being 47. I’m already looking forward to being 3 years closer to being able to apply for a 50+ funeral plan.  With my luck, I’ll peg it at 49 and never get my ‘free gift worth £75’.

So yes, I am feeling a bit past it just now.  No matter what colour I do my hair, the ginge shines out. I can go without sweets, cakes and booze for well over a month and still look like a lardy dough face. Smooth FM is no longer the vestige of the golden oldie. It’s now back to back ‘singalong bangers’. And my Childerbeast cringe at pretty much everything I say and do unless it involves paying for something.

images

Set off too early for the dentist today and ended up wandering without aim around Farsley until they unlocked the doors after their lunch break at the surgery.
Lots of salons around Farsley with lots of ladies getting pampered, trimmed, coiffured and having their nails done.  Not me!  I caught sight of myself in many a shop window and thought I looked like a character from
‘The Road’ in my trackydaks, waterproof coat, odd gloves, hoody up and big chunky scarf.  I might as well have been pushing a shopping trolley full of looted items. 

roadspan

Mood only improved when one of my young swimmers presented me with a Christmas gift – bless her! And then the Bman text to ask if I wanted a lift home.

Off to bed now to get some sleep and hope that I will be back in the festive spirit tomorrow.

Ciao Ciao XX

 

 

 

 

The black rabbit comes to us all in the end

Posted on

Been cleaning today whilst singing along to Christmas music. I cranked up the volume for ‘Baby it’s cold outside‘ and stuck a finger up at the #MeToo brigade who have banned it from the airwaves for its allegedly ‘rapey’ undertones.  If the lass wanted to leave, she’d have gone home. She wanted to stay and have another drink and maybe a bit of the other. He wasn’t pinning her down underneath the Christmas Tree and trying to get his fingers in her tights FFS!

I then turned the music off to show some respect when the funeral cars for my recently deceased next door neighbour arrived. Poor bugger has been bed bound for I reckon about 2 years now. In his 80s bless him.  Lovely man.  Bman went round there recently and then came home saying he couldn’t think of anything to say to him and ended up coming out with, “try hang on in there til Christmas eh?”  FFS!

Don’t bother with all that black hearse and dark suits carry on when I snuff it (which could be any time now, in 2 weeks time I’ll be 47!)  Forty fucking Seven?  How?  Why do I still feel and act like a 17-year-old? – until I see my refelection then I just sigh. 

Just chuck me in a dumpster when I’m dead and have a party.  Bloody price of funerals is astronomical anyway.  I’ve never spent more than £50 on a coat in my life so no point blowing the budget on a wooden box I won’t even feel the benefit of.  Stick me in the composting bin with the cat shit and leaves and spend the real money on gin and Es.

Dumpster

 

Going to pay respects of a different kind tomorrow evening. A farewell send off for a colleague who has recently tunneled out of Auschwitz to begin a new life elsewhere.  I found out today that this is to be a double whammy of farewells and good lucks.

🙂

To all those that remain I’m just going to leave this here and say that when it says ‘corridor’, I read coop.  Save yourself MoFos. Save yourself!  There is life out there. It’s not as we know it, but it’s life…

into the light

Don’t know what to call this post so I shall just name it Dave. Everyone knows a Dave right?

Posted on

At the weekend the Childerbeast and I went to an open day at Leeds Music College. Just for a look around, so the girls could get an idea of what courses are out there and get a glimpse at what Uni might be like.  Obviously, we only saw the good stuff. The music rooms, the academic bits. Not the aftermath of Freshers Week or a ‘left to the last minute’ dissertation, a month’s worth of washing etc. 

Not that I would know anything about those things of course. Not having ever been to Uni because I’m too daft.  Closest I got was doing my HLTA at Leeds Trinity a few years ago and that wasn’t even on campus and it only took 10 weeks.  

Eldest child doesn’t want to go to college in Leeds of course. She wants to put some distance between her and her embarrassing parents. And why shouldn’t she?
Youngest says she does want to stay in Leeds and live at home, but give her a couple more years and I bet she’ll change her mind.

The best part of the day out for me was finally visiting a Vietnamese Street Food place on Leeds Market. It’s run by a couple I know from school, who now send their children to my swim classes.  Can highly recommend it. Check it out Banh & Mee it’s called.

The downside of the day out was that it served to make me feel like I’ve wasted my life. That I am too thick to ever have gone to Uni. That my children are about to leave me, yet it doesn’t seem two minutes since I was changing their (eco-friendly) nappies and blending veggies for their lunch.  My best bet now at accomplishing anything of any use is to make sure they do go to Uni and escape, even if it means I am left alone with Bman and just Netflix for company.  I came over all melancholy on the bus journey home, looking in through people’s windows wondering what their lives were like. Did they feel that their lives had been successful? Did they have enough money for Christmas? What if all of this was a total nothing? What if we were all like those people who live in the head of a dandelion seed or whatever it is in ‘Horton Hears a Who’?

horton

We’re on there somewhere

Or those tiny dudes who live in a locker at the train station on ‘Men in Black’ worshipping a watch

mib

All hail K!

I know that in the grand scheme of things everything is bollocks, but what if it actually really is utter, total meaningless bollocks and we’re all just plodding along on the head of a cosmic dandelion seed waiting for death and that everything we have ever done and will ever do, is completely pointless?

dandelion.gif

Meanwhile, while people frequent food banks and girls miss school due to not being able to afford sanitary products, the skies this weekend are ablast with fireworks ‘celebrating’ the fact that over 400 years ago a bunch of dudes tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament.  Crikey, if we celebrated every time there had been a failed attempt at a terrorist attack at the heart of society, we’d be lighting fireworks 4 times a bloody week!

On that note, I’ll leave you so I can ponder how the hell I can afford to pay for Christmas – another celebration – this time of the birth of a man who may or may not have existed at all.

Don’t overthink things y’all. That shit will keep you up at night. I blame the thin veil at this time of year – don’t let the demons in man.

something-to-ponder-on_o_523068

Xx

Festive Family Times

Posted on

What a great Christmas I’ve had! 

Kept having these weird feelings that it might be my last.  No idea why.  Naturally I trust my insight is incorrect (like that time I was convinced I was going to win the Readers Digest jackpot draw on my birthday in 1992) but, just in case, I was determined to enjoy every last element of it.  And I have.
I’ve seen about 2 dozen Christmas films, including Elf, 3 times and the classic National Lampoon Christmas Vacation, twice (“
Save the neck for me Clark”).  I’ve embraced the mince pie, soaked up the Christmas Eve carol service at the village church at my folks’, drunk advocaat for breakfast and played shit loads of board games.  I wasn’t going to let anything spoil it.  Not even the fact that there is no longer a Turkish delight in a box of Milk Tray or Dairy Box (WTF?) or that there were no Ritz crackers at my folks’ or that I didn’t get stuffing again on Christmas Day because only the meat eaters seemed to get it.

It began on Saturday when we took the train to Chester.  Negotiated Manchester on foot between stations without getting too sidetracked.  Mum asked us to meet her in M&S foodhall in Chester when we arrived.  I though perhaps it may’ve been quieter to meet in Mecca during the Hajj, but actually, it wasn’t nearly as mental in there as I had anticipated.

tenor

 

We were at The Moss within the hour and I had no plans of going anywhere further than the pub and the church on Christmas Eve for at least 3 days!  

DSCF2758

Pondering how the tree gets decorated

My uncle soon arrived and we had an evening of board gaming.  Much to the Childerbeast’s dismay.  Not because they didn’t want to play, but because it was like games night at Twilight Towers Home for the Elderly or One Flew Over the Bloody Cuckoo’s Nest.  Colour blind, long and short sighted over 45 year olds trying to make sense of the instructions on the QI game or the colours on the die in Trivial Pursuits.

Can I get a For Fuck’s Sake over here?

🙂

My brother and his lady arrived on Christmas Eve and after tea we all walked into the village for the annual “You WILL sing carols about a religion you don’t follow, because it’s festive” shizzle.  I had to endure it as a teenager.  Now I shall pass the tradition on.  This year was one of the mildest years ever.  I’ve almost had frostbite in years past, stood amongst the gravestones.

 

DSC_0184

Sibs


My youngest niece fell asleep.  My youngest daughter refused to join in whatsoever and sat on a tomb with a face liked a smacked arse.  No doubt to the amusement of my mother who was probably thinking that what goes around comes around.

🙂

Quick snifter in the Ring O’Bells (AKA The Four Ales) before heading back home to await Bman’s arrival.  Then last orders in The Plough.

Christmas morning.  Leisurely buffet breakfast and then when the neicelings arrived at 10am it was present opening time.

tumblr_nf80xx4ajQ1s0teago1_400

 

DSC_0104

He’s Beeeeeeeeen!

 

Traditional advocaats all round and let the joy of giving commence.  So glad Mum liked her Ruby Shoo boots and my dad liked his League of Gentlemen live ticket (for local people).  Happy childerbeast. Happy family. Happy me.

All good.

Lunchtime mission to the pub for a cheeky pre-dinner gin. 

DSC_0144.JPG

Gin as big as niece’s head

Met up with extended in-laws. Youngest neiceling fell asleep again so I took her home. Then it was time for dinner.  We sat down at 3pm and didn’t clear the last things away till after 6pm!  Several courses, crackers that played tunes, games inbetween courses and a flaming pud. (no burnt sleevage this year – well done dad).

DSC_0157

Time for a lie down after the washing up before further guests arrived at 9pm for a late supper.  Muchas gin ensued and a game of Cards Against Humanity with my new expansion packs and some hand written blank cards.  Not awkward at all with the folks.  Particularly when questioned by my pops as to whether I had written out the card that read, “Riding Tom Hardy Like Seabiscuit“.

#awks (but funny)

Boxing Day was much of the same quality family time, more board games, very competitive bingo and a descent into gambling addiction playing Dad’s ‘Canadian’ game for cold hard cash.

Next day was time to check out and give my mum and dad some peace and their home back.  We headed to Liverpool for a visit to the brother in law and his wife.  Another huge dinner, own body weight in Quality Street and a bit more gin.

Nice

Yesterday we had a flying visit from Grandma on her way to Liverpool and today we’ve done fuck all except watch films on TV.  Kung Fu Panda, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Up, Room on the Broom and Brave.  My excuse it that it snowed last night so I didn’t want to go outside.

Lazy but loving it.

I may venture out tomorrow but failing that it will be Sunday.  New Year’s Eve – I’m spending it with my sister.  Probably all be asleep by 11pm but that’s okay.

I hope you all had as lovely a Christmas holiday as I did and I hope it doesn’t take too long for you to shift the timber you put on with cheese and crackers and chocolates.

Feliz Navidad and Joyeux Noel Xx