RSS Feed

Tag Archives: Christmas

Festive Family Times

Posted on

What a great Christmas I’ve had! 

Kept having these weird feelings that it might be my last.  No idea why.  Naturally I trust my insight is incorrect (like that time I was convinced I was going to win the Readers Digest jackpot draw on my birthday in 1992) but, just in case, I was determined to enjoy every last element of it.  And I have.
I’ve seen about 2 dozen Christmas films, including Elf, 3 times and the classic National Lampoon Christmas Vacation, twice (“
Save the neck for me Clark”).  I’ve embraced the mince pie, soaked up the Christmas Eve carol service at the village church at my folks’, drunk advocaat for breakfast and played shit loads of board games.  I wasn’t going to let anything spoil it.  Not even the fact that there is no longer a Turkish delight in a box of Milk Tray or Dairy Box (WTF?) or that there were no Ritz crackers at my folks’ or that I didn’t get stuffing again on Christmas Day because only the meat eaters seemed to get it.

It began on Saturday when we took the train to Chester.  Negotiated Manchester on foot between stations without getting too sidetracked.  Mum asked us to meet her in M&S foodhall in Chester when we arrived.  I though perhaps it may’ve been quieter to meet in Mecca during the Hajj, but actually, it wasn’t nearly as mental in there as I had anticipated.

tenor

 

We were at The Moss within the hour and I had no plans of going anywhere further than the pub and the church on Christmas Eve for at least 3 days!  

DSCF2758

Pondering how the tree gets decorated

My uncle soon arrived and we had an evening of board gaming.  Much to the Childerbeast’s dismay.  Not because they didn’t want to play, but because it was like games night at Twilight Towers Home for the Elderly or One Flew Over the Bloody Cuckoo’s Nest.  Colour blind, long and short sighted over 45 year olds trying to make sense of the instructions on the QI game or the colours on the die in Trivial Pursuits.

Can I get a For Fuck’s Sake over here?

🙂

My brother and his lady arrived on Christmas Eve and after tea we all walked into the village for the annual “You WILL sing carols about a religion you don’t follow, because it’s festive” shizzle.  I had to endure it as a teenager.  Now I shall pass the tradition on.  This year was one of the mildest years ever.  I’ve almost had frostbite in years past, stood amongst the gravestones.

 

DSC_0184

Sibs


My youngest niece fell asleep.  My youngest daughter refused to join in whatsoever and sat on a tomb with a face liked a smacked arse.  No doubt to the amusement of my mother who was probably thinking that what goes around comes around.

🙂

Quick snifter in the Ring O’Bells (AKA The Four Ales) before heading back home to await Bman’s arrival.  Then last orders in The Plough.

Christmas morning.  Leisurely buffet breakfast and then when the neicelings arrived at 10am it was present opening time.

tumblr_nf80xx4ajQ1s0teago1_400

 

DSC_0104

He’s Beeeeeeeeen!

 

Traditional advocaats all round and let the joy of giving commence.  So glad Mum liked her Ruby Shoo boots and my dad liked his League of Gentlemen live ticket (for local people).  Happy childerbeast. Happy family. Happy me.

All good.

Lunchtime mission to the pub for a cheeky pre-dinner gin. 

DSC_0144.JPG

Gin as big as niece’s head

Met up with extended in-laws. Youngest neiceling fell asleep again so I took her home. Then it was time for dinner.  We sat down at 3pm and didn’t clear the last things away till after 6pm!  Several courses, crackers that played tunes, games inbetween courses and a flaming pud. (no burnt sleevage this year – well done dad).

DSC_0157

Time for a lie down after the washing up before further guests arrived at 9pm for a late supper.  Muchas gin ensued and a game of Cards Against Humanity with my new expansion packs and some hand written blank cards.  Not awkward at all with the folks.  Particularly when questioned by my pops as to whether I had written out the card that read, “Riding Tom Hardy Like Seabiscuit“.

#awks (but funny)

Boxing Day was much of the same quality family time, more board games, very competitive bingo and a descent into gambling addiction playing Dad’s ‘Canadian’ game for cold hard cash.

Next day was time to check out and give my mum and dad some peace and their home back.  We headed to Liverpool for a visit to the brother in law and his wife.  Another huge dinner, own body weight in Quality Street and a bit more gin.

Nice

Yesterday we had a flying visit from Grandma on her way to Liverpool and today we’ve done fuck all except watch films on TV.  Kung Fu Panda, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Up, Room on the Broom and Brave.  My excuse it that it snowed last night so I didn’t want to go outside.

Lazy but loving it.

I may venture out tomorrow but failing that it will be Sunday.  New Year’s Eve – I’m spending it with my sister.  Probably all be asleep by 11pm but that’s okay.

I hope you all had as lovely a Christmas holiday as I did and I hope it doesn’t take too long for you to shift the timber you put on with cheese and crackers and chocolates.

Feliz Navidad and Joyeux Noel Xx

Advertisements

Survived another year (unbelievably)

Posted on

Not written in a while.  Basically as I couldn’t be arsed and time has got away from me.

Thought I better crack on a bit before Christmas.  Yesterday was my mothercluckin birthday y’all! 

46!

WTF?

How?

Bman and I stayed overnight in York at the allegedly haunted Golden Fleece Inn.  I almost went alone because he had a pre-Christmas attack of maudlin arseishness the night before and flounced off into the night.  He came back after an hour and a half after deciding not to chuck himself off the railway bridge (and he couldn’t find anywhere to sit down).

Anyway, off we went.  Had a flirt round York with the hundreds of other Christmas shoppers.  Then checked in to the extremely crooked hotel.  It made our house look expertly built.  It was like staying at one of those crazy houses at the fair.  But, they had a decent gin selection, a busy bar, lots of ghost stories on the wall.  The room was lovely and warm and the breakfast was crackin’.

Had to take this pic of comedy phallic shadow.  You jealous ladies?  Dont’ be.  This is not Bman with his birthday present for me.  It’s the bed post.

 

There was a resident skeletal barfly in festive garb.  What more could you ask for?

wp-image-1227208975jpeg.jpeg


 

Then it was back to Sadders, collect the kids from their respective pal’s.  Made myself (with a bit of help from Rho) a birthday Yule log (pagan times) and then it was out again into Leeds for tea.

Pieminister. Man I love their pies.  Went for a Christingle this time as a change from my usual Mushroom and Asparagus and went home contentedly full and feeling blessed.


Thank you to everyone for birthday wishes and cards and gifts.  Looking forward to seeing family tomorrow.  Couldn’t see them on Tuesday as planned because me and the childerbeast were too ill with cold.  Boo! Bahh! Crap! So not had cards yet from Fam as we were exchanging them at nieceling’s birthday tea, which I was bummed to have to miss.

😦

Ah well.  Better to keep our lurgies to ourselves I suppose.

May you have a snot-free festive holiday.  Eat, drink. Be merry. Don’t forget the homeless. Be kind and enjoy.

Feliz Navidad.  Joyeux Noel. 

Ciao Tutti! Xx

Tis the season to be maudlin

Posted on

Song Lyric of the Day:  “Sometimes I just feel like quitting. I still might. Why do I put up this fight?  Why do I still write? – 8 Mile, Eminem

Movie Quote of the Day:  “Don’t you sometimes hate yourself? / Constantly!” – Sunset Boulevard

Broke up for Christmas holidays on Friday. TFFT!  After a week of Christmas parties, visits from Santa, pantomimes and helping dole out school Christmas dinners – I am DONE!  Avoided the work night out & took to my bed after a hot bath. I just wanted to get into bed and stay there until January but hey ho (ho ho) – shit to do, places to be.  I had a 3rd birthday party to attend in Manchester the next day. 

Rave on!

After sleeping on the sofa due to waking up with a headache and Bman in full drunken snoring mode, I got back into bed.  Ended up beefing over fuck knows what. Feeling crap and useless I think. Initially brought on by poor show of festive love tokens from the children this year despite having taught most of them so far this school year.
Mostly I was upset because I remembered that I am a jackass. Always being a daft cow, waste of space, always will be.  Most of the time I switch that off but every now & then I remember & I feel bad.

youare

Bman helpfully supported me through my pity party with his customary “FFS! WTF is it now?” Then proceeded to tell me about a dream he’d had where he’d also cried for no reason aswell.  Strangely, this seemed to help snap me out of whatever it was that was happening and spurred me into getting up and getting ready for our trip to Manchester.  Also, I needed another cuppa and it didn’t look like anyone else was going to make me one.

9f103336a9d28dcd41688fea5fd3fbe7

After coughing up my guts on the train with people looking at me like I was the one who starts some kind of epidemic like that movie Outbreak, I decided to get fucked up on as much non prescription meds as I could.  Mucus relief liquid something or other.  Down in one to the warrior!

Arrived in Manchester and went on a mission to find a purple liquid eyeliner. Was beginning to wonder who I had to sleep with to obtain such an item when I remembered our friend Captain Ebay! One should be with me in time for my birthday on Wednesday (Which is NOT my 50th thank you very much).

Town was insane because it was the last Saturday before Christmas, so we didn’t hang about before heading off to my sister’s for the 3rd birthday gig.

Great to see some of the Fam and the niecelings all giddy as loons for Christmas and birthdays etc.  Even funner to see their little faces when ‘Rapunzel’ arrived.  Natch, sis & I had to get in on the photo opp. TBH I think she skimped on the hair. Not long enough by a long shot.

2016-12-17%2017_38_36

Glad you can’t see the snot stain on my dress from where I had a huge coughing fit

 

Once all the children had gone I had a cheeky jump on the bouncy castle (not in a Rita Sue & Bob Too type way).  My sister has the photos of that, otherwise of course I’d include those right here in all their glory.  I didn’t even piss my pants and my nieces thought it was ace that Aunty Tit was being silly.

This morning we ran the gauntlet of town again.  Let’s get her a Build a Bear for her birthday I said. Let’s go in on the Sunday before Christmas I said. Hey at least nobody else in Manchester was in the Build a Bear store then. At least City weren’t playing Arsenal or anything and everybody had clearly finished their Christmas shopping.  Fooks sake!  Busy is not the word.  Neiceling had an emotional breakdown in the queue in the store as we waited to get stuffed.  I don’t think she really knew what was going on.  My youngest ended up getting roped in (at my insistence, as I took photos for bribery purposes) at pressing the fluff foot pedal to stuff the bear.

We finally escaped, 50 sheets lighter, with a princess bear that smells of cupcakes, in a Beauty & the Beast costume.  Tried to go for full English at my brother’s restaurant but it was slammed busy. Ended up with an inferior sub-standard Co-Op sandwich meal deal on the train.  Bman, redeeming himself for not being in a fit state to pick us up from the train station after his night out, by making me a full English (veggie style obvs) for my tea.  He had text me asking if it was ok if the DJ from the party could stay with us for a few days.  I wasn’t sure if he was fucking with me or not so I half expected to find him & an aged old-skool acid house legend partying away in the kitchen with lasers & fog machine on turbo!  Fortunately he had only been kidding me on.  Good job really, as we had to abandon the airbed in Manc after it finally gave up. Dunno where the geezer would’ve slept.

Now it’s time for bed, where I intend to stay until Tuesday and be grateful for the roof over my head and being warm and not having to sleep in a doorway or know anyone personally who has to sleep in a doorway.  I saw too much of that today as I blew £50 on a fucking cuddly toy.  Not helping my inner brain turmoil of ‘isn’t the world just a bit shit’.

😦

I can see a donation to Centrepoint on the horizon, when what I really want to do is invite them all home for a wash in our shit shower. Make them a fish finger sandwich & ask them what happened in their life to reduce them to such a mess.

😦

Ciao Tutti Xx

It’s Chriiiiisstmaaaaaas!

Posted on

Great birthday weekend at The Moss with my Fam and overnight stay in Manc with the Bman (minus my bro who was eye deep in sprouts and mince pies at work as a chef).  Had a wander round the German markets, some alfresco cocktails and a lovely birthday meal at Zizzi.
Loved spending time with my little niecelings too.  Christmas is so much more magical with smallies on the scene.  My two are just at an age when they don’t believe any more.  Makes buying gifts and putting them under the tree a lot easier but a small part of me died when it was clear they no longer believed.

I read them this book though… and we all had a tiny teary moment.

51wR68WbiSL__SX258_BO1,204,203,200_

A great book for just when they reach ‘that age’. All about the joy of sharing and giving.

While at The Moss my mum got out a box of old photos and birthday cards and momentos which entertained me for far too long.  Misspelled ‘bithday’ cards, swimming and cycling proficiency certificates and such gems as these:

IMG_20151220_095737_kindlephoto-83328503Me and my Pops circa 1972/3

IMG_20151220_094531_kindlephoto-80468853My bad-ass Hadham Hall self circa 1985/6

Priceless. 

🙂

My own daughter contributed to the momento box this year with a quality homemade birthday card for me with ‘Dirthday’ on the front with a hastily drawn line on the D to try, unsuccessfully, to make it look like a B.  If that wasn’t amusing enough, the inside said ‘Merry Christmas’.

Brilliant. Xx

Meanwhile…. we saw Star Wars – The Force Awakens last night.  Booked the tickets over a month ago.  Very excited.  Wore my Mos Eisley Cantina Bar tee shirt I bought especially.

20151222_164230
       

Just saying Odeon Leeds/Bradford – it’s not like you didn’t know hundreds of people would be trying to see this movie at any one time.  You might want to ensure that there’s paper in the print your own ticket machine, otherwise the whole process is pointless.  After getting slightly agitated with the dude on the desk and running up and down the stairs a couple of times to speak to different, useless individuals, then losing my shit a bit with the dude again, we managed to get in and get sat together.  I just prayed it was worth it.

It totally was!

I loved it.  I wept a couple of times and loved the fact that at times I would steal a look at my youngest and we both had matching expressions.  Our gamut of emotions went something a bit like this:-

dog

imagesHO8A7QQW

4095fc068ce7012ee07baf11a8ef3a0fimg-thing

I want to see it again immediately.  Yes I am a geek and I don’t care.

Happy Christmas one and all.  I hope you all get what you want and a few surprises.  Eat, drink and be merry and… may the force be with you.

Ciao dudes Xx

Driving home (after) Christmas…

Posted on

To the tune of ‘Do you wanna build a snowman?’ Altogether now….

“Do you wanna push a Skoda.  Across the motorway in snow? Wait for 90 minutes with the children. Turning blue and wishing we were already home….”

image

Griswold Christmas vacation joys…. Note to self Mr B – wear some grundies under your baggy saggy trackydacks, as you never know when you may have to stand on the highest motorway in the UK in 3inches of snow!  #chillybott

image

There goes Bman’s Christmas money…(and not mocking my new body warmer now eh?)

BTW if you see a woman and children stood in the snow on the motorway and you drive by bipping the horn, waving & laughing, then you, my friend, are a twat and a cunt!

Thank you to the young lad who stopped to help us push the car across the motorway and to the possible serial killer with the Derby accent who offered to drive me and the Childerbeast to the services (in all likelihood to abuse us at leisure in the back of his van).

🙂

#FFS

…but now I’m back on the couch, with a rug & a Horlicks

Posted on

…by rug and Horlicks, I mean Sully from ‘Monsters Inc’ slippers and an Advocaat (& mince pies and own body weight in various cheeses).
I’d have crackers with my cheese but my niece ate them all when she visited yesterday.

Aunts, Cousins, Nieces

Aunts, Cousins, Nieces

All my good work of non bread, carb, sugars, alcohol diet has been shot out of the window like Colt Severs from a cannon!  Will have to start all that shit up again in the New Year.  Particularly if I want to fit into the Warwick Davis torsoed (Orangutan-armed) Gryffindor jumper hand-knitted by the MiL, or the size 8 undies from my Mum.  Flattered as I am Mother that you believe my butt to be that compact, I fear a misreading of labellage may have occurred there!  I could wear them but may end up with quadruple cheekage which is not a good look, especially in leggings.

🙂

Enjoyed Christmas Day this year in the comfort of my own home  and with just the Bman & the childerbeast & cats.
Santa, in his infinite wisdom, chose to deliver Minecraft for the Xbox to my youngest, so I have been pretty much holed up in my bedroom watching festive TV or catching up on films on my new witchcraft device – the Kindle HDX.  Just me and Magic Mike, a cider and a handful of Belgian chocolates.  Why I don’t mind if I do Sir!
Youngest also got retro 80’s rollerboots and a Nerf crossbow so when she hasn’t been Minecrafting it’s all been a bit
Starlight Express meets the Hunger Games round here.

Very much enjoyed yesterday’s visit from my sis and my newest niece, who appears to have inherited her Aunt Tit’s inquisitive wrinkled forehead.  Glad to see she also has a penchant for the Fancy Dress:-

Penguin poppet

Penguin poppet

 

Next plan of attack is to drag myself off the sofa to go to Chester on the 2nd.  To be honest, the way I am going about things so far this holiday it may take me the next 4 days to rustle up the energy or the inclination.

Slothlike times.

imagesRONUHY14

Double busy… doing F.A.

Chunderbirds are go!

Posted on

Movie quote of the day:  “Holy shit where’s the Tylenol?” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Christmas play shizzles all done and dusted.  My childerbeast were, of course, fabulous!
Family gift exchange all done last week in Liverpool & Manc and still no sign of my newest niece.  To be fair she isn’t due until Saturday, which would be an awesome birthday gift if she arrived on time.

2 more ‘get ups’ to go before the end of term and nothing says Merry fecking Christmas like a sponging down children’s’ coats and cleaning out their shoes when another child has projectile vomited in the cloakroom!  Snap on the Marigolds and fire up the Anti-bac spray… I’m going in.

Today kids we will be calculating the surface area covered, of a spray of vomit travelling at approximately 70mph, through splayed fingers.

It was nothing if not extensive!

😦

Meanwhile…. it is my 42nd birthday on Saturday and I am revisiting the site of my 20th birthday celebrations – Scarborough Spa.
I very much doubt I would fit into the same clothes, even if I still had them (which I don’t).  I do hoard my wardrobe items, it’s true,.. but not for that long!

Haven’t had a drink since October half-term.  I’ll probably pass out after 2 vodka and oranges and have to be taken home by 11pm!

🙂

cs-randall2

Have a cheeky Christmas