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Survived another year (unbelievably)

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Not written in a while.  Basically as I couldn’t be arsed and time has got away from me.

Thought I better crack on a bit before Christmas.  Yesterday was my mothercluckin birthday y’all! 




Bman and I stayed overnight in York at the allegedly haunted Golden Fleece Inn.  I almost went alone because he had a pre-Christmas attack of maudlin arseishness the night before and flounced off into the night.  He came back after an hour and a half after deciding not to chuck himself off the railway bridge (and he couldn’t find anywhere to sit down).

Anyway, off we went.  Had a flirt round York with the hundreds of other Christmas shoppers.  Then checked in to the extremely crooked hotel.  It made our house look expertly built.  It was like staying at one of those crazy houses at the fair.  But, they had a decent gin selection, a busy bar, lots of ghost stories on the wall.  The room was lovely and warm and the breakfast was crackin’.

Had to take this pic of comedy phallic shadow.  You jealous ladies?  Dont’ be.  This is not Bman with his birthday present for me.  It’s the bed post.


There was a resident skeletal barfly in festive garb.  What more could you ask for?



Then it was back to Sadders, collect the kids from their respective pal’s.  Made myself (with a bit of help from Rho) a birthday Yule log (pagan times) and then it was out again into Leeds for tea.

Pieminister. Man I love their pies.  Went for a Christingle this time as a change from my usual Mushroom and Asparagus and went home contentedly full and feeling blessed.

Thank you to everyone for birthday wishes and cards and gifts.  Looking forward to seeing family tomorrow.  Couldn’t see them on Tuesday as planned because me and the childerbeast were too ill with cold.  Boo! Bahh! Crap! So not had cards yet from Fam as we were exchanging them at nieceling’s birthday tea, which I was bummed to have to miss.


Ah well.  Better to keep our lurgies to ourselves I suppose.

May you have a snot-free festive holiday.  Eat, drink. Be merry. Don’t forget the homeless. Be kind and enjoy.

Feliz Navidad.  Joyeux Noel. 

Ciao Tutti! Xx


Tis the season to be maudlin

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Song Lyric of the Day:  “Sometimes I just feel like quitting. I still might. Why do I put up this fight?  Why do I still write? – 8 Mile, Eminem

Movie Quote of the Day:  “Don’t you sometimes hate yourself? / Constantly!” – Sunset Boulevard

Broke up for Christmas holidays on Friday. TFFT!  After a week of Christmas parties, visits from Santa, pantomimes and helping dole out school Christmas dinners – I am DONE!  Avoided the work night out & took to my bed after a hot bath. I just wanted to get into bed and stay there until January but hey ho (ho ho) – shit to do, places to be.  I had a 3rd birthday party to attend in Manchester the next day. 

Rave on!

After sleeping on the sofa due to waking up with a headache and Bman in full drunken snoring mode, I got back into bed.  Ended up beefing over fuck knows what. Feeling crap and useless I think. Initially brought on by poor show of festive love tokens from the children this year despite having taught most of them so far this school year.
Mostly I was upset because I remembered that I am a jackass. Always being a daft cow, waste of space, always will be.  Most of the time I switch that off but every now & then I remember & I feel bad.


Bman helpfully supported me through my pity party with his customary “FFS! WTF is it now?” Then proceeded to tell me about a dream he’d had where he’d also cried for no reason aswell.  Strangely, this seemed to help snap me out of whatever it was that was happening and spurred me into getting up and getting ready for our trip to Manchester.  Also, I needed another cuppa and it didn’t look like anyone else was going to make me one.


After coughing up my guts on the train with people looking at me like I was the one who starts some kind of epidemic like that movie Outbreak, I decided to get fucked up on as much non prescription meds as I could.  Mucus relief liquid something or other.  Down in one to the warrior!

Arrived in Manchester and went on a mission to find a purple liquid eyeliner. Was beginning to wonder who I had to sleep with to obtain such an item when I remembered our friend Captain Ebay! One should be with me in time for my birthday on Wednesday (Which is NOT my 50th thank you very much).

Town was insane because it was the last Saturday before Christmas, so we didn’t hang about before heading off to my sister’s for the 3rd birthday gig.

Great to see some of the Fam and the niecelings all giddy as loons for Christmas and birthdays etc.  Even funner to see their little faces when ‘Rapunzel’ arrived.  Natch, sis & I had to get in on the photo opp. TBH I think she skimped on the hair. Not long enough by a long shot.


Glad you can’t see the snot stain on my dress from where I had a huge coughing fit


Once all the children had gone I had a cheeky jump on the bouncy castle (not in a Rita Sue & Bob Too type way).  My sister has the photos of that, otherwise of course I’d include those right here in all their glory.  I didn’t even piss my pants and my nieces thought it was ace that Aunty Tit was being silly.

This morning we ran the gauntlet of town again.  Let’s get her a Build a Bear for her birthday I said. Let’s go in on the Sunday before Christmas I said. Hey at least nobody else in Manchester was in the Build a Bear store then. At least City weren’t playing Arsenal or anything and everybody had clearly finished their Christmas shopping.  Fooks sake!  Busy is not the word.  Neiceling had an emotional breakdown in the queue in the store as we waited to get stuffed.  I don’t think she really knew what was going on.  My youngest ended up getting roped in (at my insistence, as I took photos for bribery purposes) at pressing the fluff foot pedal to stuff the bear.

We finally escaped, 50 sheets lighter, with a princess bear that smells of cupcakes, in a Beauty & the Beast costume.  Tried to go for full English at my brother’s restaurant but it was slammed busy. Ended up with an inferior sub-standard Co-Op sandwich meal deal on the train.  Bman, redeeming himself for not being in a fit state to pick us up from the train station after his night out, by making me a full English (veggie style obvs) for my tea.  He had text me asking if it was ok if the DJ from the party could stay with us for a few days.  I wasn’t sure if he was fucking with me or not so I half expected to find him & an aged old-skool acid house legend partying away in the kitchen with lasers & fog machine on turbo!  Fortunately he had only been kidding me on.  Good job really, as we had to abandon the airbed in Manc after it finally gave up. Dunno where the geezer would’ve slept.

Now it’s time for bed, where I intend to stay until Tuesday and be grateful for the roof over my head and being warm and not having to sleep in a doorway or know anyone personally who has to sleep in a doorway.  I saw too much of that today as I blew £50 on a fucking cuddly toy.  Not helping my inner brain turmoil of ‘isn’t the world just a bit shit’.


I can see a donation to Centrepoint on the horizon, when what I really want to do is invite them all home for a wash in our shit shower. Make them a fish finger sandwich & ask them what happened in their life to reduce them to such a mess.


Ciao Tutti Xx

It’s Chriiiiisstmaaaaaas!

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Great birthday weekend at The Moss with my Fam and overnight stay in Manc with the Bman (minus my bro who was eye deep in sprouts and mince pies at work as a chef).  Had a wander round the German markets, some alfresco cocktails and a lovely birthday meal at Zizzi.
Loved spending time with my little niecelings too.  Christmas is so much more magical with smallies on the scene.  My two are just at an age when they don’t believe any more.  Makes buying gifts and putting them under the tree a lot easier but a small part of me died when it was clear they no longer believed.

I read them this book though… and we all had a tiny teary moment.


A great book for just when they reach ‘that age’. All about the joy of sharing and giving.

While at The Moss my mum got out a box of old photos and birthday cards and momentos which entertained me for far too long.  Misspelled ‘bithday’ cards, swimming and cycling proficiency certificates and such gems as these:

IMG_20151220_095737_kindlephoto-83328503Me and my Pops circa 1972/3

IMG_20151220_094531_kindlephoto-80468853My bad-ass Hadham Hall self circa 1985/6



My own daughter contributed to the momento box this year with a quality homemade birthday card for me with ‘Dirthday’ on the front with a hastily drawn line on the D to try, unsuccessfully, to make it look like a B.  If that wasn’t amusing enough, the inside said ‘Merry Christmas’.

Brilliant. Xx

Meanwhile…. we saw Star Wars – The Force Awakens last night.  Booked the tickets over a month ago.  Very excited.  Wore my Mos Eisley Cantina Bar tee shirt I bought especially.


Just saying Odeon Leeds/Bradford – it’s not like you didn’t know hundreds of people would be trying to see this movie at any one time.  You might want to ensure that there’s paper in the print your own ticket machine, otherwise the whole process is pointless.  After getting slightly agitated with the dude on the desk and running up and down the stairs a couple of times to speak to different, useless individuals, then losing my shit a bit with the dude again, we managed to get in and get sat together.  I just prayed it was worth it.

It totally was!

I loved it.  I wept a couple of times and loved the fact that at times I would steal a look at my youngest and we both had matching expressions.  Our gamut of emotions went something a bit like this:-




I want to see it again immediately.  Yes I am a geek and I don’t care.

Happy Christmas one and all.  I hope you all get what you want and a few surprises.  Eat, drink and be merry and… may the force be with you.

Ciao dudes Xx

Driving home (after) Christmas…

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To the tune of ‘Do you wanna build a snowman?’ Altogether now….

“Do you wanna push a Skoda.  Across the motorway in snow? Wait for 90 minutes with the children. Turning blue and wishing we were already home….”


Griswold Christmas vacation joys…. Note to self Mr B – wear some grundies under your baggy saggy trackydacks, as you never know when you may have to stand on the highest motorway in the UK in 3inches of snow!  #chillybott


There goes Bman’s Christmas money…(and not mocking my new body warmer now eh?)

BTW if you see a woman and children stood in the snow on the motorway and you drive by bipping the horn, waving & laughing, then you, my friend, are a twat and a cunt!

Thank you to the young lad who stopped to help us push the car across the motorway and to the possible serial killer with the Derby accent who offered to drive me and the Childerbeast to the services (in all likelihood to abuse us at leisure in the back of his van).



…but now I’m back on the couch, with a rug & a Horlicks

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…by rug and Horlicks, I mean Sully from ‘Monsters Inc’ slippers and an Advocaat (& mince pies and own body weight in various cheeses).
I’d have crackers with my cheese but my niece ate them all when she visited yesterday.

Aunts, Cousins, Nieces

Aunts, Cousins, Nieces

All my good work of non bread, carb, sugars, alcohol diet has been shot out of the window like Colt Severs from a cannon!  Will have to start all that shit up again in the New Year.  Particularly if I want to fit into the Warwick Davis torsoed (Orangutan-armed) Gryffindor jumper hand-knitted by the MiL, or the size 8 undies from my Mum.  Flattered as I am Mother that you believe my butt to be that compact, I fear a misreading of labellage may have occurred there!  I could wear them but may end up with quadruple cheekage which is not a good look, especially in leggings.


Enjoyed Christmas Day this year in the comfort of my own home  and with just the Bman & the childerbeast & cats.
Santa, in his infinite wisdom, chose to deliver Minecraft for the Xbox to my youngest, so I have been pretty much holed up in my bedroom watching festive TV or catching up on films on my new witchcraft device – the Kindle HDX.  Just me and Magic Mike, a cider and a handful of Belgian chocolates.  Why I don’t mind if I do Sir!
Youngest also got retro 80’s rollerboots and a Nerf crossbow so when she hasn’t been Minecrafting it’s all been a bit
Starlight Express meets the Hunger Games round here.

Very much enjoyed yesterday’s visit from my sis and my newest niece, who appears to have inherited her Aunt Tit’s inquisitive wrinkled forehead.  Glad to see she also has a penchant for the Fancy Dress:-

Penguin poppet

Penguin poppet


Next plan of attack is to drag myself off the sofa to go to Chester on the 2nd.  To be honest, the way I am going about things so far this holiday it may take me the next 4 days to rustle up the energy or the inclination.

Slothlike times.


Double busy… doing F.A.

Chunderbirds are go!

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Movie quote of the day:  “Holy shit where’s the Tylenol?” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Christmas play shizzles all done and dusted.  My childerbeast were, of course, fabulous!
Family gift exchange all done last week in Liverpool & Manc and still no sign of my newest niece.  To be fair she isn’t due until Saturday, which would be an awesome birthday gift if she arrived on time.

2 more ‘get ups’ to go before the end of term and nothing says Merry fecking Christmas like a sponging down children’s’ coats and cleaning out their shoes when another child has projectile vomited in the cloakroom!  Snap on the Marigolds and fire up the Anti-bac spray… I’m going in.

Today kids we will be calculating the surface area covered, of a spray of vomit travelling at approximately 70mph, through splayed fingers.

It was nothing if not extensive!


Meanwhile…. it is my 42nd birthday on Saturday and I am revisiting the site of my 20th birthday celebrations – Scarborough Spa.
I very much doubt I would fit into the same clothes, even if I still had them (which I don’t).  I do hoard my wardrobe items, it’s true,.. but not for that long!

Haven’t had a drink since October half-term.  I’ll probably pass out after 2 vodka and oranges and have to be taken home by 11pm!



Have a cheeky Christmas

Gifts on the fire and logs on the tree… time to rejoice (& all that)

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So did you hear about some dude in China who was so stressed with his Missus whilst shopping for over 5 hours that he threw himself to his death from the 7th floor of the mall?

Extreme retail rage times.

This is why I buy online.  Yes I run the risk of internet banking fraud… BUT I don’t actually have to go out and run the gauntlet of shopping with the masses.

Meanwhile, this week is mainly all about theatrics darlings.  School Christmas production time is upon us once again.  Fielding inane questions such as:

“Do I have to come to every performance Miss?”

“Are you in the show love?”

“Yes Miss.”

“Then, yes poppet. You do, otherwise who will say your lines”

“Oh yeah, I hadn’t thought of that”

Usual palaver of children with large speaking parts disappearing on holiday or to some prior committment, despite having had almost 8 weeks notice of dates!  Broadway, it most certainly is not my friends.  Lloyd-Webber doesn’t have to put up with this.

Bejebus it must be Christmas!

My childerbeast are both fabulous of course, so to be honest I couldn’t care less if the rest of it goes tits up, as long as my girls do their bit and do their best.
I do hope it goes okay though, as my folks are venturing ‘over the tops’ to see it tomorrow afternoon. Mum and Dad, at my place of work, whilst I am working and like, doing my job and that.  **gulp**
I hope everyone behaves!  Then the MiL is coming from Boro to watch it tomorrow evening.  So no pressure or anything kids.

I volunteered to take part, perhaps to be an elf, purely for the comedy value, or even to swing across the stage sat astride a giant star – but yet again I was denied.

Hi de Ho

Hi de Ho