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Things that make you go “whaaaaaaaat?”

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So it’s only Wednesday and already Luke (not to be confused with Matthew or Katy) Perry has died.  As has Prodigy legend, Keith ‘twisted firestarter’ Flint.


Forget the obligatory Firestarter clip of your man Keith smacking himself about the head in a sewer somewhere.  This clip is the only one you ever need to see. Stick with it. The Goose makes it.  Keef’s Camping Review

I have been feeling pretty rough this week.  We can invent ever more witchcraft-like phones and apps for just about anything, but we can’t yet cure a common coldI’ve been doing a fair bit of laying around under a duvet on the settee as a result of the ineffectiveness of the old lemsip.  One of the things I watched while prone in pjyamas and awaiting death with tissue paper stuck up my nose, was the Netflix documentary Abducted in plain sight’.  About a girl abducted, twice, as a child by the same man.
I urge you to watch it and I defy you not to say “WHAAAAAAAAAT?” at least once. No spoilers but I guarantee you will also feel like parent of the year.

As an antidote to the news stories of celebrity deaths and questionable parenting decisions, I was hopeful of a miracle local news story yesterday lunchtime when Look North promised a story on a cat who diagnosed its owner’s hidden cancer.

Eagerly I shushed Bman at the crucial moment, not wanting to miss a word of this incredible tale.  Did the cat mew at its owner, gently pawing a particular area of her body? Did it then click open the laptop with the cancer page of Web MD open in the browser?  Did the cat sport a white coat and stethoscope?


Courtesy of google images



The lady had suffered many a symptom, which she had chosen to ignore. Then the cat jumped on her lap as cats are wont to do, and it hurt her belly slightly so her hubby made her go to the GP.


This is news?  Cat sits on owner – SHOCKER!

Glad the lady is now ok and everything but fuck me what a lame story.

At least it made a change from another Brexit story.


Courtesy of google images

There on the stair….

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So good news, I saw a ghost this week.  Years of ghost hunting and pissing about in cellars, old buildings and dark satanic mills with my partner in crime, and where was this one?  Running down my stairs, that’s where! 

I was vacuuming when the bugger shot round the newel post and through me on the right-hand side. I saw it and felt it. Screamed like a bitch like Yvette bloody Fielding, mid-vac, then carried on hoovering whilst yelling,DO NOT DO THAT AGAIN PLEASE AND STOP RUNNING ABOUT INSIDE!”


Then of course, spent the rest of day questioning my eyesight and my sanity (no change there then).  And no, it wasn’t one of the cats, a free-floating dust bunny or a local teenage burglar.

giphy (1)

giphy Tangina


Told the Childerbeast later and the older one seems to think there is a woman attached to the ancient chair we have now got in our possession, that used to belong to great aunt someoneorother on the Bman’s side of the family.
It was in the MiL’s bathroom for years. Now it’s in youngest Childerbeast’s bedroom (but she wants it removed now funnily enough). I’ve said it can either go in our room or in the loft.

Meanwhile Hell literally has frozen over in America and it is already too cold for me here and we are nowhere near as cold as Chicago. Hell Frozen Over 

I don’t do cold. It’s rubbish!


Me walking to work the other day down Duckets

And in the UK, plans from the cold war era have been resurrected to evacuate the Royal Family from London in case it all goes apocalyptic after a no-deal Brexit.  It better not! I’ve got a lunch date with Her Maj booked in for the Easter hols and I’m not having it ballsed up by the ‘gilet jaunes’ and people fighting to the death over iceberg lettuce and vine-ripened cherry tomatoes in Lidls around the country.  I’ve bought new Ruby Shoos and a matching clutch and everything – I was even going to blow dry my barnet for the occasion.  Can’t do that if Liz is holed up in a bunker in the Scottish Highlands hiding from the common man.

Stay calm people. (But perhaps get some gas canisters for the old camping stove and some tinned peaches, just in case).

Ciao Ciao Xx




Welcome to Hoth

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Hello Hello, is there anybody out there?  I can’t tell through the snowblindness,  freezing fog outside and the steamed up windows from my washing drying on the radiator.

Yes.  We had some snow.  Did you hear?  It didn’t seem to get a mention on the news. (FFS!)


Winter is here


But back at the start of the week, before the Beast from the East blew in and reduced lots of the UK to a standstill, we had a training day jolly to the HQ of our new work sponsor.

I’m not entirely sure what the purpose of this day out was. But suffice to say, we weren’t in work and we got a free lunch.  My favourite  part of the day I think was when our tour of the building went Pete Tong.  Our guide attempted to help one of our less able bodied colleagues by taking us in a service lift so we didn’t have to take the stairs. This resulted in us wandering aimlessly round sets of back stairs and ultimately being shown the way out by some kind of janitor.  It was reminiscent of that scene from Spinal Tap when they get lost backstage.  Hello Manchester!

My friend and I went rogue at one stage and went to find a loo after we’d eaten in the canteen.  We didn’t appear to have the requisite MI5 clearance to access the loos we found so we went in search of alternatives.  We then ended up in another servants staircase, rattling doors and walking in on important looking meetings.  Am pretty sure at one point we were moments away from being tasered and bums-rushed outside like Buddy the Elf from the Empire State Building.  I know we were being watched, I saw the security cameras blinking.



The following day I was convinced I’d been singled out for non-conformity and poisoned for not having the chicken pasta. Death to the vegetarian!   My guts were rough and I felt horribly sick all day.  Lurching through the working day like something from the Walking Dead.  After going straight to bed when I got in and sleeping right through, I felt fine the next day.  Then Bman succumbed to it and if there’s anything that man does louder than sing to himself or snore, it’s throw up!  Am amazed it didn’t register on the Richter scale.  He’d only just resumed back to work after 3 days off with the flu.  I hope 2018 isn’t going to be the Year of Physical Sickness.  (Seeing as 2017 was the Year of Mental Illness).

School been closed Thursday and Friday due to the weather and my girls’ got sent home at 1030am on Wednesday so we’ve all been in the house for 5 days. Cabin fever is beginning to set in and if Ocado don’t turn up tomorrow it could go all Donner Party round here. (Apparently they’re going to eat me first because I’ve got the fleshiest bottom).

I did venture to the local shop on Day 1 with my youngest after I’d dug the old toboggan out of the shed.  We then attempted to build a snowman but despite the amount of snow, it was rubbish for construction and the biting wind took the fun out of it, so we abandoned the idea before frostbite set in.

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Popping to the shop – need anything?

On a positive note, I got my first payday this week for my swim lessons.  Score!  Won’t be getting anything this week though as they were cancelled because of the snow.  Our ghost hunt at East Drive was also cancelled.  Everything was cancelled, what am I saying?  Two days of snow and the entire island has come to a standstill.
My (practically) sister in law is stuck working in Glasgow.  My friend was snowed ‘out’ and had to stay in York drinking wine with her sister in law, without husband or childerbeast to care for (tough gig).

The gas is running out apparently and people are freezing to death in the street. How does that even happen in this day and age in a supposedly rich country?

We’re about to fire up a family game of Cluedo while Knightrider is on on the background – because apparently it’s still 1983 in our house.

Keep warm people and stay safe



Lurgied up

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Bman’s birthday weekend was not quite the love-in he may have envisioned when I initially booked Weetwood Hall for a romantic getaway.  I came down with some kind of hideous Aussie/bird/porcine/alien (delete as appropriate) flu!  I couldn’t make it into work on Friday and stayed in bed sleeping (like a demented person apparently).  It was too late to cancel the hotel without paying the full fee so I insisted that we go anyway and at the very least I could die in someone else’s bed and Bman could get his monies worth from the all you can eat buffet breakfast.

It was less ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ and more ‘Only When I Laugh’.  They had switched us to a family room which included an extra single bed, so Bman spent the night in that, watching football while I sprawled my virus riddled body over the tiny double bed that both of us probably wouldn’t have fit in together anyway.


                                          Not sure who’s who or who the 3rd dude is?

Not quite the comedy swingathon, overpriced gin and extra person letting themselves in the room adventure that we had last year…But such is life.

Meanwhile. I am just about still alive but am full of snot. It’s horrible.  I would not wish it on anybody.  On Sunday afternoon I would happily have welcomed the Grim Reaper with open arms.  Only feeling marginally better now…but not much.



Not dead just yet

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First day in over a week that I haven’t felt ill.
On Friday I was convinced I had pneumonia. Was actually just the flu, but dear me! What a sorry shambles of a woman I was all last week. Lurching around work like something from The Walking Dead.

Managed to drag myself out yesterday to the cinema,as I’d promised the Childerbeast we’d go to see Mockingjay Part 2 as soon as it came out and we were already 3 days overdue.
Did enjoy it. Cried like a saddo. The Childerbeast were blubbing as well.


Just looking forward to Star Wars now next month. It better be bloody good or I’ll be crying at that too!


New toys and malaise

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So I finally bought a new camera yesterday.  The past 24 hours have mainly consisted of my being up in my family’s grill and mumbling things like “No No No, not that setting!” or “Man alive! I don’t want it on disco pop mode!”

Here are a few of my test shots.

Us laughing at how long it took R to take this shot

Us laughing at how long it took R to take this shot


Degu playtime

Degu playtime

G-Meister.  Still alive!

G-Meister. Still alive!

A takes a better shot than R

A takes a better shot than R


Looking forward to firing off several hundred more shots on Saturday at my niece’s 3rd birthday party.



The half term is almost over and essentially this week I have done nothing constructive. Well, we have been swimming twice and the second time we did walk to the pool.  I have also done some rudimentary planning for next term, so it hasn’t all been total bone-idleness.  I did think yesterday that I was coming down with a cold but the minute I mentioned this to Bman he immediately took it from me via osmosis and I now feel fine.  He, of course, has developed the Man-Flu according to a text I got from him earlier – an illness so strangely virulent that it can render the patient chronically decrepit, yet does not appear to affect their ability to complain about how ill they are or make random, loud & attention-seeking man noises.  I await his return from work with the kettle on permanent boil for Lemsips.



My head is so full of snot I can’t think of what to call this post

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I do have a cold.

This is not good news.  Today is Burns Night & I don’t want my Burns Supper spoiled by snotty tissues and the aroma of Vicks or trying not to piss myself whenever I sneeze.


Meanwhile, apropos of nothing I thought I would share this disturbing photograph a friend of mine put on Facebook.  I have not questioned its origin, although I did ask if she had been rifling through old pictures of my exes.

What the actual feck?

What the actual feck?

So many questions I probably don’t really want to know the answeers to.

Also,  please enjoy a glimpse of the last page of a book from school, which is now no longer on the bookshelves in Foundation stage.  Some of the kids round here are messed up enough without being exposed to this.

I'll bet they did!

I’ll bet they did!

That bear in the hat looks as though he has a great afternoon.  I suspect he may also be caned!