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Tag Archives: depression

Bring me sunshine

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Had a weird week where I hit a major low a couple of times.  Became obsessed with the idea that every time I had a massive dip in mood and self-worth (which is different to self esteem apparently), that some kind of horrendous disaster occurred to someone else.
I felt shit about myself – Manchester bombing.  Had another slump. – London stabbings. Last week, went to bed full of woe and gloom and self-depreciation for no apparent reason I could justify. Black dog snapping at my heels.  Boom! Grenfell Tower fire next day.
Began to feel like a harbinger of death, a bit like Richard Burton in ‘
The Medusa Touch’. Now I daren’t confess to feeling down in case it causes karma to slap me in the face with another horrifying news story of death and mindless waste of life.  Life shouting at me,  “BUCKLE UP FUCK NUGGET! SOME DAYS ARE A BIT WANK. DEAL WITH IT.  SHIT COULD BE WAY WORSE. LIKE FOR THESE POOR FUCKERS, CHECK IT OUT!”  Cue next news story of gloom, doom, hideous untimely death and sorrow.

Life can be a bit of a cunt at times (and depression lies!)

But life can also be beautiful. Kind. Loving. Funny. Worth it.

Today we had a very sunny family day in the garden for Father’s Day.  I swung in a hammock with a glass of Pimms and a new book, and life was good and I was glad to be alive.


And again this morning. 

🙂 

 

 

Forget Black Friday – every day can be black for some.

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Had a fairly miserable week last week, which wasn’t all to do with the return of the Bman and his poor effort at love-tokens from Thailand (keyring, mirror, weird vest).
It was one of those weeks when even the smallest setback or criticism seemed to feel like a massive issue. When you just feel rubbish, useless, irrelevant and surplus to your own existence.

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Worst.  Feeling  Ever!

😦
So I did what any woman would do and ordered self some amazing shoes, new boots and 2 new dresses. 

🙂

I also dragged myself to the Childerbeast’s high school to watch my youngest in her Christmas production… which made me feel considerably better.
 She had downplayed her role and initially refused to let me go and watch.  After having to say that unless I got a ticket, she couldn’t be in it, she relented and got me one – on the proviso that I didn’t acknowledge her in any way during the evening.  She was, naturally, brilliant and had many more lines than she had let on about.  Well done Schmoo. You were fabulous!

I was particularly amused at watching my eldest and her pal being all coy and coquettish as they lolled about near a particular staff member during the interval.  I text her to ask who it was because they were quite buff & attractive.  How entertaining was it to watch her face as she read the text and showed it, with horror, to her mate.

Apparently, telling your children that one of their teachers is fit and then waving at him is not the way to behave, and is one of the reasons why they don’t like me going to events at school.

Who knew?

😀

For now, the Black Dog of the festive season is being kept at bay on a short leash. Hopefully he will stay away.  Feeling rubbish for no reason is rubbish –  especially in light of global dismalness as it stands.

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Malaise

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I was uncharacteristically off sick a couple of days last week. I would usually have ploughed on at work but I just couldn’t do it.  Ended up with youngest at home too, sent home sick herself.  Can’t even be off sick in peace eh? Lol.

Back at work this week but began to feel unwell again almost immediately.

Coincidence?

Feeling more like it today.  Possibly due to a new frock and it being a sunny day.

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Funny how little a thing it can take to tip a person over the edge and how little a thing can pull them back from the brink. Yesterday it was an evening not having any arguments at home and receiving a friendly text. Little autonomic jags to get you through another day.

I’m quite open about my battles with the black dog.  I don’t make a secret of it.  I’m just naturally miserable most of the time truth be told.  Eeyore gloom times. 

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I would never describe myself as ever having been suicidal, but more times than I can think of I have often thought I would be better off dead! Pondered a bit whilst crossing the road, “what if?” when a bus was coming, that sort of thing.  Doubted anyone would notice my absence, or be that bothered after a while.  Thinking my kids would be better off without me and that my husband wouldn’t be bothered.  He doesn’t want to be with me really.  Life would go on without me. I’m just not that important in the grand scheme of things.  I sometimes wish I was as thick as others then I wouldn’t have these deep and depressing thoughts.
It would probably surprise you just how many people feel the same from time to time…if only they would talk about it.  If you do tell people, more than you’d think will tell you that they sometimes feel the same.

No need to hide the knife rack of anything.  I’m pretty good now at knowing when the black dog is nipping at my heels and I know it’ll go away pretty soon.  It’s just that when it’s there. It’s bad.

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Tonight I may sleep on the couch. Again. Waiting to see on the news whether we’re remaining or leaving the EU.  I don’t really know what either result will mean in reality – but then does anyone?  I’m slightly worried that crazy people, the ill-informed, the bigoted and the brainless will turn out in droves and we could all go to hell in a handcart quicker than we already are.

Addendum: got bored of watching referendum sizzle and switched to First Dates instead.

Lethargy and Apathy. My two best mates.

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I took to hiding in bed this afternoon to escape the tumultuous noise of husband and offspring’s nerve-janglingly loud voices (and the fact that I felt weirdly unwell in a way I couldn’t quite put my finger on).
    

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Youngest Childerbeast came to snuggle with me then said she saw a grey mist move across my feet sticking out of the covers. She thought it might be the ghost of Gollum the cat, comforting me from the beyond.   I suspect it may have been the spectre of my long lost youth, health and enthusiasm for life – and even that wasn’t sticking around. It was heading for the window.*

🙂

Be so much simpler to be a cat – dead or otherwise.

Look at this little guy:-
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Not a care in the world other than where to snooze or shit next!

😀

* was more than likely a dust bunny

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Images courtesy of Google images and Gary Larson

 

Little things mean a lot

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I was given these today as a gesture of kindness from a friend at work, which I assume says:-

“FFS woman get a grip, cheer up and stop looking like a wet weekend in Whitley Bay”

That’s a Hallmark sentiment you just don’t seem to be able to find in a card.

🙂

Luckily I am easily distracted from my natural misery by colourful things.  So these will help beat off the black dog for a while.

Say it with flowers

Say it with flowers

So my black dog blues are being kept a bay for the day by colourful blooms and also  watching BBC3’s ‘Tough Young Teachers’ (working title – ‘WTF were you thinking?‘).  A project where hot young public school graduates with 6 weeks teacher training and no classroom experience (you heard me!) are set to work in some tough inner-city high schools.  (I accurately predicted it would be on for 10 minutes before one of them cried).
I instantly feel better about myself and my capabilities, although no doubt the end result will be a propaganda-fuelled love-up about how fab they all were and that this is the future of teacher training. 

However I am sightly disconcerted that 36 hours after altering my Facebook profile picture to this….

It so isn't me

It so isn’t me

… that nobody has commented or apparently, even noticed!

I stole it from:-

http://lets-have-a-beer.com/walmart-called-your-photos-are-done-6947/

With apology to whoever this girl actually is.  It’s funny because it could actually be me from when I was younger, had I worn glasses at about that age, I am pretty sure that’s what they would have looked like.  The hair is a dead ringer.  I shit you not!  (Which probably explains why nobody has thought to comment).

🙂

Let’s start again, afresh next week…

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Mentally, I’ve had a fucker of a first week back! 

The black dog is lurking in the shadows, salivating. 

Leave me alone!

Leave me alone!

Beefing on senior management halfway through the week and blowing your nose on your sleeve in front of her, for a multitude of inane reasons (none of which on their own would bother a sane person), is probably not considered a professional or particularly healthy start to the New Year.

😦

Instead I shall focus on stories of human endurance and character building inner-strength for inspiration (whilst giving self a sharp slap to the face and telling self to get a bloody grip!)

Things could be a lot worse.

This music video never fails to bring a tear to my eye – in a happy way – and whilst I appreciate it’s not the real video of this dude’s accident or recovery, I should imagine it’s a fairly close re-enactment, and they are all his pals in the video (including, so it would seem, my cousin Neil if you look closely)  LOL

🙂

Mardy Monday

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Attempted to update my FarceBook status at lunchtime to:-

  “Why is everything rubbish?  :-(“

The irony of the 4 successive alerts I got at each attempt, advising that; “Facebook was unable to update my status at this time due to technical difficulties” was not lost on me!

Going to bed.  The world is a happier place all round when I am asleep.  #miseryguts

 

Did go bowling & to cinema yesterday though… which was nice

 🙂

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