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in need of something but not sure what

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I was meant to be heading south this weekend to visit some pals and have a curry and some drinks.  There was even loose talk of getting hold of a “hot tug” and sailing it to Harlow, but I don’t think that came off.  Maybe next time, when it’s warmer.

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Stock Photo from Google Images

 

As it goes, I haven’t gone.  I started with the snots when I got back from Chester over the Easter Weekend, which was awesome by the way (the Easter weekend in Chester – not the snots).
I also had a clairsentient gut feeling that I should stay home & leave it til another time.  I’ve learned it’s best to pay attention to these things, so here I am.  At home. In the rain. Not ever wanting to see another Easter Egg in a long time and feeling rather cross at why people can’t just commit to a long planned arrangement or answer a text from time to time in a civil, unfacetious fashion.

I know everyone has their own little lives and shit but FFS!

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So what have I done instead?

    Ventured to Sadford Town to return a pair of silver Doc Martens.  Not mine I hasten to add.  Seems my eldest wants to go for the Gary Gliiter, Glam Rock aesthetic for her birthday this year.  It’s not ’til June, but these boots she wanted were on offer in Foot Asylum. 

Ordered them. They arrived.  But are neither the right size not the requisite shade of silver apparently.

FML!

Had one lovely spring-like day on Wednesday so ordered some new garden furniture.  Natch it has pissed down ever since.  Furniture currently clogging up the hallway and kitchen ready to be assembled.

Still no washing machine because the fucker needs yet more parts.  Bastarding Hotpoint.  ‘Oh we’ll replace your washer if it can’t be repaired’.  Repair dude just laughed at us and said that almost never happens.  It can be repaired….eventually….when he comes back for a third time on Wednesday.  That’ll be over 3 weeks since it initially broke.  I’m running out of neighbours to impose upon to wash my smalls, my mediums and my larges!

So anyway, the trip into Sadford, usually a cure-all when you’ve got the blues, did not help in any way whatsoever. It was like accidentally stumbling through the set of the Walking Dead.  Normally this type of thing makes me feel less inferior. Better about myself.  It could be worse etc.  Yesterday it just made me feel sad and full of gloom that I was doomed to die here. That I had failed as a mother and I had condemmed my offspring to a miserable life in a miserable place.

“Hello is that the Emergency St John’s Wort & Evening Primrose Oil hotline? I’d like to place an order please!”

The best part of the day was when I smuggled some tech into an allegedly haunted shop in my handbag, for a mini lone investigation, Sadly the recorder failed. Coinicidence? Supernatural? Or operator ineptitude?  You decide.  Either way, it had a most oppressive atmos (but did sell the most amazing bits, bobs, tat and oddments).  There was a man in there talking to the shopkeeper about his imaginary friends as she listened unjudgementally and with sound advice.   I may have found my spiritual home.

🙂

Boyes store however lit up my K2 device like a gay pride parade.  Too many mobiles on in the vicinity? Or it being so full of the elderly and infirm that the veil between this life and the next is ridiculously thin – the afterlife almost tangible through the smell of wee, lavender bags and the scent of decrepitude?  Again – you decide.

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from Google Images

 

I didn’t want to be one of those olds.  Complaining in the cafe upstairs in Boyes that the tomato soup was sold out, or that so and so hadn’t turned up today and did they think she might have died over the weekend.
But I also felt like I was skidding quickly towards being one of those people (but with less friends).

This time last year we were in Orlando, yet it doesn’t seem two minutes since we were only just planning it and it was 18 months away!

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Poss my fave pic from last year’s hol

 

Life is short.  Do stuff.  Fun stuff.  Sometimes wrong stuff.  But stuff. Be kind.  Be nice. Go out. Have fun. Make some memories to keep you warm when you’re waiting for death in a cafe above Boyes in Bradford and the soup is off and your mate hasn’t turned up.

 

                                         Gravitating towards the water, as per

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A year in the life…

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One year ago today I flidded out at the end of one shite working day too many. I was driven home by my friend in tears after ranting at the school secretary.  I sobbed on Bman and then took to my bed.

I then didn’t go back to work for 3 months.

Some people cared enough to keep in touch and come visit me.  Some sent love tokens.  Some sent not particularly helpful but nonetheless thoughtful texts of encouragement.  Some people did bugger all. Couldn’t even be fagged to send a text.  Maybe they didn’t give a shit.  Maybe they were scared of what to say, because people are afraid of mental health issues.  

My family were fab.  The usually reticent, emotionally stunted, least empathetic man I call my husband, was surprisingly caring and patient.  He didn’t want me to return to work at all but I’m too used to earning my own money to rely just on him to pay the bills.

I don’t think I was really aware of how low, crap, sad, worthless, tired and unhappy I was  in my life (mostly, but not limited to, my work) until I stopped feeling like that.

I won’t lie.  I sometimes feel myself slipping again.  Particularly in my work. Especially lately.  I do often feel like my soul is being sucked from me.

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But I won’t let it beat me.

 

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People are a bit more open these days to hearing that you suffer from the Black Dog from time to time. Although of late it’s a lot more fashionable to have been touched up by a male co-worker or boss (Weinstein Effect) than to be a bit cuckoo.  I wonder what next year’s trend will be?  People will start coming forward to admit to secretly masturbating to Storage Wars or something. #Metoo (that’s not true BTW – I don’t!)

Don’t listen to me, I’m a bit mental remember.  (Just not quite at the juicy fruit stage yet!)


One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest


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Stay happy y’all.  Life is short.

Xx

Let’s go round again…

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Well it’s almost time to begin a new academic year.

It doesn’t seem that long since last September and the last academic year. But what a year it’s been.  Going in all cylinders blazing last September, ready to take on the system. Lead my new, (albeit smaller) but fabulous little team.  Ready to jump in at a moments notice to impart knowledge and wisdom with a smile and pocket full of amazing lesson plans.

Yeah. That lasted til Spring and then it all went west side.

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Me, from March to June in my kitchen

 

Until recently when I no longer felt like that, I hadn’t really realised how low and off-kilter I actually felt.  Let’s not go there again if we can possibly help it.

My philosophy at this juncture can probably best be summed up by this meme:-

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Am I right?

🙂

There will always be plenty of people having a shittier day than you, which is crap (for them) but a silver lining on your own grey cloud. That’s as good as it’s probably going to get for most of us – and that’s okay.

So before I return to the coal face and my optimism and enthusiasm die a fiery death wane within weeks, I’d like to celebrate the great things that happened this year and the people who stopped me from totally losing my mind. The ones who sent me notes, hunted for spooks with me for fun; sent me memes, love tokens; not always helpful but somehow amusing texts; sent me jigsaws in the post. And thanks to my husband who, despite his usually unsympathetic nature and poor inference skills, managed to be kind, thoughtful and not get annoyed when I didn’t appear to have moved for hours.  Also my Childerbeast for not freaking out at their mother freaking out.

Naturally I have to summarise in pictorial form because , as my childerbeast told me recently, “Mum, you photograph everything”  Good job really. Then I can look back at images like these, on the days when everything seems pointless, and I’ll remember that it’s not.

In the words of my childerbeast…. “Blessed”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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So back to school tomorrow.  I am going in this year with no expectations. That way I can’t be disappointed or annoyed. I’ll go in. Do my thing. Hope for the best and then come home, sleep, then go back the next day and try again.

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Bring it on Booms!  We can do this.

 

And to end a perfect summer holiday of sun, treating myself to a new vacuum cleaner (small pleasures) visits with friends, festivalling, glitter and music – my parents dropped by today for an impromptu visit.

Good times.

😀

Life (today anyway) is good.  Not always. Not for everyone. But today, it’s alright for me & mine, & that’ll do.

Ciao MoFos

Xxxx

 

Bring me sunshine

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Had a weird week where I hit a major low a couple of times.  Became obsessed with the idea that every time I had a massive dip in mood and self-worth (which is different to self esteem apparently), that some kind of horrendous disaster occurred to someone else.
I felt shit about myself – Manchester bombing.  Had another slump. – London stabbings. Last week, went to bed full of woe and gloom and self-depreciation for no apparent reason I could justify. Black dog snapping at my heels.  Boom! Grenfell Tower fire next day.
Began to feel like a harbinger of death, a bit like Richard Burton in ‘
The Medusa Touch’. Now I daren’t confess to feeling down in case it causes karma to slap me in the face with another horrifying news story of death and mindless waste of life.  Life shouting at me,  “BUCKLE UP FUCK NUGGET! SOME DAYS ARE A BIT WANK. DEAL WITH IT.  SHIT COULD BE WAY WORSE. LIKE FOR THESE POOR FUCKERS, CHECK IT OUT!”  Cue next news story of gloom, doom, hideous untimely death and sorrow.

Life can be a bit of a cunt at times (and depression lies!)

But life can also be beautiful. Kind. Loving. Funny. Worth it.

Today we had a very sunny family day in the garden for Father’s Day.  I swung in a hammock with a glass of Pimms and a new book, and life was good and I was glad to be alive.


And again this morning. 

🙂 

 

 

Forget Black Friday – every day can be black for some.

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Had a fairly miserable week last week, which wasn’t all to do with the return of the Bman and his poor effort at love-tokens from Thailand (keyring, mirror, weird vest).
It was one of those weeks when even the smallest setback or criticism seemed to feel like a massive issue. When you just feel rubbish, useless, irrelevant and surplus to your own existence.

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Worst.  Feeling  Ever!

😦
So I did what any woman would do and ordered self some amazing shoes, new boots and 2 new dresses. 

🙂

I also dragged myself to the Childerbeast’s high school to watch my youngest in her Christmas production… which made me feel considerably better.
 She had downplayed her role and initially refused to let me go and watch.  After having to say that unless I got a ticket, she couldn’t be in it, she relented and got me one – on the proviso that I didn’t acknowledge her in any way during the evening.  She was, naturally, brilliant and had many more lines than she had let on about.  Well done Schmoo. You were fabulous!

I was particularly amused at watching my eldest and her pal being all coy and coquettish as they lolled about near a particular staff member during the interval.  I text her to ask who it was because they were quite buff & attractive.  How entertaining was it to watch her face as she read the text and showed it, with horror, to her mate.

Apparently, telling your children that one of their teachers is fit and then waving at him is not the way to behave, and is one of the reasons why they don’t like me going to events at school.

Who knew?

😀

For now, the Black Dog of the festive season is being kept at bay on a short leash. Hopefully he will stay away.  Feeling rubbish for no reason is rubbish –  especially in light of global dismalness as it stands.

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Malaise

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I was uncharacteristically off sick a couple of days last week. I would usually have ploughed on at work but I just couldn’t do it.  Ended up with youngest at home too, sent home sick herself.  Can’t even be off sick in peace eh? Lol.

Back at work this week but began to feel unwell again almost immediately.

Coincidence?

Feeling more like it today.  Possibly due to a new frock and it being a sunny day.

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Funny how little a thing it can take to tip a person over the edge and how little a thing can pull them back from the brink. Yesterday it was an evening not having any arguments at home and receiving a friendly text. Little autonomic jags to get you through another day.

I’m quite open about my battles with the black dog.  I don’t make a secret of it.  I’m just naturally miserable most of the time truth be told.  Eeyore gloom times. 

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I would never describe myself as ever having been suicidal, but more times than I can think of I have often thought I would be better off dead! Pondered a bit whilst crossing the road, “what if?” when a bus was coming, that sort of thing.  Doubted anyone would notice my absence, or be that bothered after a while.  Thinking my kids would be better off without me and that my husband wouldn’t be bothered.  He doesn’t want to be with me really.  Life would go on without me. I’m just not that important in the grand scheme of things.  I sometimes wish I was as thick as others then I wouldn’t have these deep and depressing thoughts.
It would probably surprise you just how many people feel the same from time to time…if only they would talk about it.  If you do tell people, more than you’d think will tell you that they sometimes feel the same.

No need to hide the knife rack of anything.  I’m pretty good now at knowing when the black dog is nipping at my heels and I know it’ll go away pretty soon.  It’s just that when it’s there. It’s bad.

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Tonight I may sleep on the couch. Again. Waiting to see on the news whether we’re remaining or leaving the EU.  I don’t really know what either result will mean in reality – but then does anyone?  I’m slightly worried that crazy people, the ill-informed, the bigoted and the brainless will turn out in droves and we could all go to hell in a handcart quicker than we already are.

Addendum: got bored of watching referendum sizzle and switched to First Dates instead.

Lethargy and Apathy. My two best mates.

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I took to hiding in bed this afternoon to escape the tumultuous noise of husband and offspring’s nerve-janglingly loud voices (and the fact that I felt weirdly unwell in a way I couldn’t quite put my finger on).
    

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Youngest Childerbeast came to snuggle with me then said she saw a grey mist move across my feet sticking out of the covers. She thought it might be the ghost of Gollum the cat, comforting me from the beyond.   I suspect it may have been the spectre of my long lost youth, health and enthusiasm for life – and even that wasn’t sticking around. It was heading for the window.*

🙂

Be so much simpler to be a cat – dead or otherwise.

Look at this little guy:-
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Not a care in the world other than where to snooze or shit next!

😀

* was more than likely a dust bunny

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Images courtesy of Google images and Gary Larson