I could happily plough on here about the ineptitude of my local supermarket and their unfailing ability to consistently mis-label items.
I could mention the new bathroom vanity mirror purchased last weekend with a crucial element missing from the box.
I could go on about their “2 for £5” offers that are invariably not “2 for £5”. I could tell you about having to return the incomplete mirror and having to ask to be reimbursed the difference for the “£2 for £5” items which I had actually been charged £6.50 for.
I could name and shame the employee at Customer Services who used a calculator (I shit you not) to work out how much I should be refunded as he clacked away subtracting £5 from £6.50.
I could also tell you how, once I had a new mirror in hand and my £1.50 refund, I (foolishly) went into the store to make further purchase. I then ended up back at Customer Services 10 minutes later, getting another refund, after being overcharged for a pack of disposable razors because the till jockey “couldn’t “do it” despite it being her error….
but I won’t…
Instead I thought I’d talk about Collectaholics on BBC2 last night.
Not a show I would usually go for, but after receiving texts pretty much simultaneously from 2 different friends in 2 different areas of the country saying “BBC2 quick!” or words to that effect – I had to watch.
I was expecting something about deformities, weirdos who dress as badgers or old men who go on dates with donkeys or something – but no! It was about a man who collects taxidermied animals and how this was becoming more fashionable again these days.
Right up my street. My friends know me well.
To be honest, his collection, despite being vast, was a bit too sensible for me. There wasn’t a winged rabbit to be seen or nearly enough alligators in waistcoats and jaunty hats.
Naturally this led to a conversation on the couch with Bman about what kind of amusing tableau we could create with the cats, once they have both slipped this mortal coil. Some kind of battle scene to replicate how they usually spend their waking hours I think. I’m seeing a Star Wars element here with light sabres and Jedi robes. (BTW I love that spellcheck insisted I change jedi to a capital letter then). Or maybe something with a fez and cravat and duelling pistols.
I will eat your face as you sleep
I’m so daft I don’t even know I have anything on my head.
I already have Bman earmarked as a chest of drawers when he goes. I’ll have him arranged in that daft stance he does when posing for pictures at famous landmarks or family gatherings. I may even have some kind of motion sensor installed and have him pre-record some choice phrases to go off at will so nobody forgets him.
Fart noises like an outboard motor starting up for example. Or stock Bman phrases like “Did you have your glasses on when you washed up?” “What are you doing it like that for?” “HOW MUCH??” or “Steady as a toad!”
I’ll have him in the hallway as a deterrent to burglars and hawkers like those cardboard policemen they have in the Pound Shop.
Naturally I then ended up looking ont’ Tintertube for courses in how to learn taxidermy. (As you do).
£550 and there’s a bloody waiting list!
I then of course deferred to our old friend Captain eBay and found these choice items, just in time for Mother’s Day. Indeed some of them even had such a recommendation on their listing – “Unusual Mother’s Day Gift Idea”…..
Tentatively titled “The spirit of Tyersal”