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Tag Archives: ebay

Why would you not want a quad riding squirrel?

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I could happily plough on here about the ineptitude of my local supermarket and their unfailing ability to consistently mis-label items.
I could mention the new bathroom vanity mirror purchased last weekend with a crucial element missing from the box.
I could go on about their
“2 for £5” offers that are invariably not “2 for £5”.  I could tell you about having to return the incomplete mirror and having to ask to be reimbursed the difference for the “£2 for £5” items which I had actually been charged £6.50 for.
I could name and shame the employee at Customer Services who used a calculator (
I shit you not) to work out how much I should be refunded as he clacked away subtracting £5 from £6.50.
I could also tell you how, once I had a new mirror in hand and my £1.50 refund, I (foolishly) went into the store to make further purchase. I then ended up back at Customer Services 10 minutes later, getting another refund, after being overcharged for a pack of disposable razors because the till jockey
couldn’t “do itdespite it being her error…. 

                              but I won’t…

Instead I thought I’d talk about Collectaholics on BBC2 last night.
Not a show I would usually go for, but after receiving texts pretty much simultaneously from 2 different friends in 2 different areas of the country saying “BBC2 quick!” or words to that effect – I had to watch.
I was expecting something about deformities, weirdos who dress as badgers or old men who go on dates with donkeys or something – but no!  It was about a man who collects taxidermied animals and how this was becoming more fashionable again these days.

Right up my street.  My friends know me well.

To be honest, his collection, despite being vast, was a bit too sensible for me.  There wasn’t a winged rabbit to be seen or nearly enough alligators in waistcoats and jaunty hats.

Naturally this led to a conversation on the couch with Bman about what kind of amusing tableau we could create with the cats, once they have both slipped this mortal coil.  Some kind of battle scene to replicate how they usually spend their waking hours I think.  I’m seeing a Star Wars element here with light sabres and Jedi robes.  (BTW I love that spellcheck insisted I change jedi to a capital letter then).  Or maybe something with a fez and cravat and duelling pistols.

I will eat your face as you sleep!

I will eat your face as you sleep

I'm so daft I don't even know I have anything on my head.

I’m so daft I don’t even know I have anything on my head.

I already have Bman earmarked as a chest of drawers when he goes.  I’ll have him arranged in that daft stance he does when posing for pictures at famous landmarks or family gatherings.  I may even have some kind of motion sensor installed and have him pre-record some choice phrases to go off at will so nobody forgets him.
Fart noises  like an outboard motor starting up for example. Or stock Bman phrases like
“Did you have your glasses on when you washed up?”  “What are you doing it like that for?”  “HOW MUCH??” or  “Steady as a toad!”

I’ll have him in the hallway as a deterrent to burglars and hawkers like those cardboard policemen they have in the Pound Shop.

🙂

Naturally I then ended up looking ont’ Tintertube for courses in how to learn taxidermy.  (As you do).

£550 and there’s a bloody waiting list!


I then of course deferred to our old friend Captain eBay and found these choice items, just in time for Mother’s Day.  Indeed some of them even had such a recommendation on their listing
– “Unusual Mother’s Day Gift Idea”…..

Indeed!

3mice

Tentatively titled "The spirit of Tyersal"

Tentatively titled “The spirit of Tyersal”

Zombie pigeons & too much time on my hands

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Whoah! Hold the phone!

Zombie pigeons you say???

 

http://aolbroadband.welcomescreen.aol.co.uk/video/zombie-pigeons-reach-epidemic-levels-in-moscow/517903364/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cuk-ws-bb%7Cdl15%7Csec3_lnk4%26pLid%3D202772

 

Forget the unrest in Egypt my friends and start worrying about this!

 

Near end of school holidays inertia is setting in.  Can you tell?  I’ve started bidding for shit on ebay.  1 day to go until I see if I’ve won my flamingo print dress and a new poncho for Wee Camp next week.

Was also sorely tempted to purchase parrot on bike garden windsock spinner for over $20.

Stop me…..

                    Please…

                                       …anyone?

 

Don’t panic I haven’t put in a bid… yet

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I should be marking 28 Easter Story work booklets right now but…
   (a) I know how it ends – crucifixion/’death’/3 hookers find the stone rolled  away… yadayadyada.
   (b) I got distracted by the Internet (again). This time looking for taxidermied wildlife on ebay (blame The Bloggess and the Bman*
   (c) I just heard Bman shutting the hall door downstairs which means he is making himself something to eat and doesn’t want me to hear the breadbin rattling or the fridge door opening.  Except I have heard and now I am torn between going downstairs to laugh at him and/or ask him to make me a snack too.

 

* TheBloggess – latest post and Bman’s latest purchase which apparently is “better than an Elvis mirror” (I beg to differ my friend)

 

I have decided to see his Scarface picture and he can “Say hello to my little friend” (did you see what I did there?) as I raise him this little beaut:-

The shit you find on ebay never ceases to astonish!

The old Elvis mirror’s looking pretty classy now eh? 

Though of course what we really need here is the elusive Pope Jean Paul kitchen clock with the moving arms, waving his benediction by the hour. 
My sister saw one in Rome but didn’t buy it (foolish woman!) and I spent far too long, on my honeymoon  in 2002, scouring every nick-nack and crap Emporium of Vatican City & beyond searching for one.  Sadly we came away with nothing more exciting then a fridge magnet & some blue farfelle pasta in a jar (which we still have FYI – do not eat it kids!  That shit’ll kill you for sure). 
  Maybe she made it up just to trick me into spending fruitless years trying to track it down.. like the Holy Grail of utter Tat!

🙂

Right… about that little snack…

Reasons why I love Ebay #109

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Not sure if this is genuine but it still made me laugh

Ebay sale of the week

If it is for real I hope the lad gets enough for a bender of an evening just for the brilliant description….

Frankly I’m astounded I’ve lasted this long

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In exactly 100 days I will be 40 years old.

What the fuck have I been doing since I left school? Since I started school? Since my sister was born on my 7th birthday? Since my brother came along when I was 10?

     It’s not 2 minutes since I was collecting stickers in my Charles & Diana Panini sticker album and watching Torville & Dean win Gold at the Winter Olympics. Now He’s remarried to his first love, she’s been dead 16 years and those 2 now host a Saturday night game show for Z list celebs!

FFS!

 

 

PS:

You know how if there’s 2 people in the same house with an ebay account on the same PC, and whatever it is you last searched for also comes up when they log in (so you have no secrets, particularly around Christmas and Birthday time?)     Well I just signed in and spotted that the item Bman last looked at was this:-

I don’t know whether to be reassured that given my age he still imagines me in these babydoll numbers, or to challenge him about some young sexpiece he is trying to impress, who is clearly 20 years younger than me!   If it is for me, I prefer something these days with a tad more spandex for the old Gok’s Magic Knicker tummy control and am not sure that this fluffy scarlet number will go with my trackydaks and Killer Slippers!

What I was doing when I should have been asleep

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What the hell did we do with ourselves in our free time before the Internet came along? 

We can’t just have sat around watching the test card waiting for ‘Crossroads’ to start or playing clock patience in front of the electric fire.

 Last night I spent 4 hours (count them… F O U R hours) looking at utter garbage online.  [I say garbage but one woman’s garbage is another man’s treat – Define garbage! Sometimes it’s a thin line you know.]

   What I was actually doing was making a party invitation on Publisher (that’s right, Publisher, not Word) and doctoring a photo of Limahl from Kajagoogoo to make him look like a zombie (as you do) which entertained me for at least one of those hours.

"Too shy shy, oops there goes my eye?"

 

   I also spent a long time trying to track down a jelly mould in the shape of a brain for under £12.  £12! for a jelly mould??  You have to be kidding! 

   I found much cheaper moulds but they were in the shape of penises (penii??) and boobs and amusing as that might be, I didn’t think either appropriate for a family friendly do.

     

 

 

 

 

 

I really do need to start going to bed earlier,  but at least I wasn’t drunk and bidding for shit on ebay that I can’t afford or would fit in the house. Lest we not forget that time I almost bought Bman the actual Mr Staypuft head from the ‘Ghostbusters’ movie – where the hell I thought it was going to go I do not know!

Happy birthday Hun - here's a giant marshmallow heid for on top of the shed