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Festive Family Times

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What a great Christmas I’ve had! 

Kept having these weird feelings that it might be my last.  No idea why.  Naturally I trust my insight is incorrect (like that time I was convinced I was going to win the Readers Digest jackpot draw on my birthday in 1992) but, just in case, I was determined to enjoy every last element of it.  And I have.
I’ve seen about 2 dozen Christmas films, including Elf, 3 times and the classic National Lampoon Christmas Vacation, twice (“
Save the neck for me Clark”).  I’ve embraced the mince pie, soaked up the Christmas Eve carol service at the village church at my folks’, drunk advocaat for breakfast and played shit loads of board games.  I wasn’t going to let anything spoil it.  Not even the fact that there is no longer a Turkish delight in a box of Milk Tray or Dairy Box (WTF?) or that there were no Ritz crackers at my folks’ or that I didn’t get stuffing again on Christmas Day because only the meat eaters seemed to get it.

It began on Saturday when we took the train to Chester.  Negotiated Manchester on foot between stations without getting too sidetracked.  Mum asked us to meet her in M&S foodhall in Chester when we arrived.  I though perhaps it may’ve been quieter to meet in Mecca during the Hajj, but actually, it wasn’t nearly as mental in there as I had anticipated.



We were at The Moss within the hour and I had no plans of going anywhere further than the pub and the church on Christmas Eve for at least 3 days!  


Pondering how the tree gets decorated

My uncle soon arrived and we had an evening of board gaming.  Much to the Childerbeast’s dismay.  Not because they didn’t want to play, but because it was like games night at Twilight Towers Home for the Elderly or One Flew Over the Bloody Cuckoo’s Nest.  Colour blind, long and short sighted over 45 year olds trying to make sense of the instructions on the QI game or the colours on the die in Trivial Pursuits.

Can I get a For Fuck’s Sake over here?


My brother and his lady arrived on Christmas Eve and after tea we all walked into the village for the annual “You WILL sing carols about a religion you don’t follow, because it’s festive” shizzle.  I had to endure it as a teenager.  Now I shall pass the tradition on.  This year was one of the mildest years ever.  I’ve almost had frostbite in years past, stood amongst the gravestones.




My youngest niece fell asleep.  My youngest daughter refused to join in whatsoever and sat on a tomb with a face liked a smacked arse.  No doubt to the amusement of my mother who was probably thinking that what goes around comes around.


Quick snifter in the Ring O’Bells (AKA The Four Ales) before heading back home to await Bman’s arrival.  Then last orders in The Plough.

Christmas morning.  Leisurely buffet breakfast and then when the neicelings arrived at 10am it was present opening time.




He’s Beeeeeeeeen!


Traditional advocaats all round and let the joy of giving commence.  So glad Mum liked her Ruby Shoo boots and my dad liked his League of Gentlemen live ticket (for local people).  Happy childerbeast. Happy family. Happy me.

All good.

Lunchtime mission to the pub for a cheeky pre-dinner gin. 


Gin as big as niece’s head

Met up with extended in-laws. Youngest neiceling fell asleep again so I took her home. Then it was time for dinner.  We sat down at 3pm and didn’t clear the last things away till after 6pm!  Several courses, crackers that played tunes, games inbetween courses and a flaming pud. (no burnt sleevage this year – well done dad).


Time for a lie down after the washing up before further guests arrived at 9pm for a late supper.  Muchas gin ensued and a game of Cards Against Humanity with my new expansion packs and some hand written blank cards.  Not awkward at all with the folks.  Particularly when questioned by my pops as to whether I had written out the card that read, “Riding Tom Hardy Like Seabiscuit“.

#awks (but funny)

Boxing Day was much of the same quality family time, more board games, very competitive bingo and a descent into gambling addiction playing Dad’s ‘Canadian’ game for cold hard cash.

Next day was time to check out and give my mum and dad some peace and their home back.  We headed to Liverpool for a visit to the brother in law and his wife.  Another huge dinner, own body weight in Quality Street and a bit more gin.


Yesterday we had a flying visit from Grandma on her way to Liverpool and today we’ve done fuck all except watch films on TV.  Kung Fu Panda, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Up, Room on the Broom and Brave.  My excuse it that it snowed last night so I didn’t want to go outside.

Lazy but loving it.

I may venture out tomorrow but failing that it will be Sunday.  New Year’s Eve – I’m spending it with my sister.  Probably all be asleep by 11pm but that’s okay.

I hope you all had as lovely a Christmas holiday as I did and I hope it doesn’t take too long for you to shift the timber you put on with cheese and crackers and chocolates.

Feliz Navidad and Joyeux Noel Xx


Prematurely Festive feelings

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Spent three hours yesterday getting to Liverpool by rail to visit the Irish/Scouse Brewer contingent for my nieces 1st birthday party.  Sodding train was running late and rammed to capacity.  The irony of some of the extended Fam getting to Liverpool quicker than we did yet, they live in Ireland was not lost on me.


Was good to see everyone though.

Broke my non cake eating fast while I was there, with a Mr Kipling chocolate slice.


Almost had a diabetic whitey!  It was way too sweet for me.  I didn’t like it.  I’d also broken my chocolate fast on Friday evening with 4 Quality Street and had to have about 3 shits!

Think I may have become intolerant.


Today we felt uncharacteristically festive and decided to put up the tree after we’d watched ‘Santa Claus the Movie’ and ‘Scrooged’ by mistake.

So the house is decorated and I’ve had a mince pie and am currently nursing a cognac (first alcoholic drink since end of September).

It must be Christmas y’all.




Die Hard

Gifts on the fire and logs on the tree… time to rejoice (& all that)

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So did you hear about some dude in China who was so stressed with his Missus whilst shopping for over 5 hours that he threw himself to his death from the 7th floor of the mall?

Extreme retail rage times.

This is why I buy online.  Yes I run the risk of internet banking fraud… BUT I don’t actually have to go out and run the gauntlet of shopping with the masses.

Meanwhile, this week is mainly all about theatrics darlings.  School Christmas production time is upon us once again.  Fielding inane questions such as:

“Do I have to come to every performance Miss?”

“Are you in the show love?”

“Yes Miss.”

“Then, yes poppet. You do, otherwise who will say your lines”

“Oh yeah, I hadn’t thought of that”

Usual palaver of children with large speaking parts disappearing on holiday or to some prior committment, despite having had almost 8 weeks notice of dates!  Broadway, it most certainly is not my friends.  Lloyd-Webber doesn’t have to put up with this.

Bejebus it must be Christmas!

My childerbeast are both fabulous of course, so to be honest I couldn’t care less if the rest of it goes tits up, as long as my girls do their bit and do their best.
I do hope it goes okay though, as my folks are venturing ‘over the tops’ to see it tomorrow afternoon. Mum and Dad, at my place of work, whilst I am working and like, doing my job and that.  **gulp**
I hope everyone behaves!  Then the MiL is coming from Boro to watch it tomorrow evening.  So no pressure or anything kids.

I volunteered to take part, perhaps to be an elf, purely for the comedy value, or even to swing across the stage sat astride a giant star – but yet again I was denied.

Hi de Ho

Hi de Ho


Ho? No Ho?

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Movie Quote of the Day:  “I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels” – Christmas Vacation

Name that Tune:   “The Christmas we get, we deserve” – I believe in Father Christmas, Greg Lake

Why am I seemingly the only person alive, or at the very least, the only one in the social and working circles I move in, who is not feeling festive?

I see the decorations.  I hear the tinkling chime of my newly installed (in an attempt to get in the mood) festive ringtone.  The compulsory tin of Quality Street and boxes of Mincies are in the cupboard. 

I even made my own cake this year yet I feel nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  I’m no Grinch.    I just seem to have lost that loving Christmas feeling.



Yeah I have a novelty Christmas sweater with a reindeer on it.  All the more ironic because I ‘hate’ Christmas apparently.  (I don’t BTW – I just  hate the way it starts in August and segues neatly straight into Easter some time around January 5th.)

I don’t even ‘hate’ tinsel. (I just feel there is no place for it on my Christmas tree.)  Ditto Tartan bows, which I feel only have a place on a small child’s party dress.

I do hate the spiralling debt that seems to run hand in glove with the festive season and the spirit of good will to all men.  (By ‘all men’, I mean the people at Mastercard and the bank who are the only winners here.)

I’m trying… Honest.  I’ve eaten 2 chocolate oranges (which were meant as stocking fillers for the childerbeast). I’ve taken the childerbeast to see ‘Nativity 2’. I even put the fairy lights on the lounge window this evening.  Maybe I will be consumed with the joy of the season tomorrow when we put up the tree and watch ‘Elf’ (it is a classic).

My kids love it when I ride escalators 'Elf style'

My kids love it when I ride escalators ‘Elf style’

Perhaps I peaked too high as a child and my seasonal serotonin levels can no longer be kept at the level required for festive feelings to kick in.

Maybe I just need more booze?  Pass the Tia Maria please, this princess of darkness needs a hit over here!

"Shitter's full!"

“Shitter’s full!”