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I’m oot!

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Regrets. I’ve had a few, But now we’ve reached the final curtain. 

The laptop has been handed in.  The unattractive staff pass also gone. 


My house is full of flowers and cards, the shed full of booze and cupboards not quite as full of chocolate as they were before the childerbeast got their mitts on them.

I am still not sure how I feel. 

I didn’t actually cry but I did almost go a couple of times.  Particularly at this.  I had to pretend to be sorting out my bag for about 5 minutes until I composed myself. I especially like the drawing of me.



The 6 of us who are leaving (5 by choice, 1 pretty much pushed out) weren’t going to get a mass send-off because seemingly there was no point getting 190 children into the hall just to say goodbye to some people.

Riiiight. okaaaay.   Think we know where we stand there.

Show you don’t give a shit care and all that.  More like Be Yourself Always (even if you’ve got no people skills).


Some people do care and they cared enough to kick up a bit of a stink about that so we did actually get our big send off. Ten years and my eulogy was pretty much thus… So Miss is leaving and she’s going to continue teaching but to swim, instead.  Hip hip hurray. Off you pop.

I’m not sure if the original lack of organised farewell assembly was out of fear of any of us leavers going postal or having a vent during a leaving speech – in fairness, it could have happened.  I thought I was good though. I didn’t swear. I slipped the Co-Op values in there and a bit of Jim Jones final speech and a bit of Marshall Applewhite (whilst wearing my Heaven’s Gate Away Team top).  Lots of kids seemed genuinely sad to see me go (until they forget all about me come September) and I know some of the staff will miss me greatly.

I accidentally cut my own forehead with my thumbnail when catching a ball today and left a lovely bloody mark.  A child asked what happened, I said I’d stabbed myself in the face rather than return to work in September.  She just said “Oh ok”


But it’s time to move on. Even if it ends up being a bit tight cashwise.  I can’t work in that environment anymore, no matter how much fun it (sometimes) is.  I’m doing what matters most – and that’s not being there, because otherwise I’ll lose the plot again and it’ll be jigsaw time in my PJs once more and popping BetaBlockers like TicTacs..

I wish the children every success and I hope my replacement does a grand job.  She doesn’t speak much French but hey, teachers can teach French aswell you know?  I know.  But they often don’t do it well love.  Scheme or no scheme. And in fact a lot of the stuff I taught wasn’t from the scheme – same with topic, science and music – because I’m an independent thinker who, despite scatty appearances, is actually bright enough to not have to rely on a scheme.  Not that anyone will now have access to any of my ten years worth of lesson plans and resources after I deleted them all from the network.

Yes. I don’t just bite my thumb, I bite it at you.

it’s this kind of shit I’ll miss – pretty much everything else can get knotted. 



So roll on the next six weeks.  Meeting friends, seaside trips, festivals, ghosthunts, swim training and more festivals and trying not to fall out with the Famalam.





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Spent a glorious weekend at Deershed Festival. There were no deer, but at one point, my head, was in fact, a shed. Not as much as my sister’s pals though. A couple of them were way beyond the shed zone at one point.
Most entertaining. But why did they all have to sit on me?
Have decided that ‘Getting up for a wee in the small hours, in a tent whilst negotiating sleeping children on air beds and trying not to bounce off the tent walls because you’re still 90% prosecco, frozen mojito, G&T and cider’, should be an Olympic sport.

I reckon I could’ve got a silver medal at least.

Macca cheese from the Mac Shack for brekkie.  Crackin’!


Discovering the Fairylove shop and the Hippy Chippy were on site. Awesome!

Realising you may need to remortgage the house to afford all the other amazing foodstuffs you want to try. Meh!  Missing all the workshops you’ve spent weeks looking at on the website because you fell asleep in the sun outside the circus workshop. Oopsie!


So no Shakespearean Insults Workshop. No Interpretive Dance to Film Scores. No Mathew Bourne’s dance workshop. I did, however manage to make it to the early morning rave in the Big Top.  Back to back 90s classics. (Dubious mixing style) but classics nonetheless and all before 10am!


Sisterly raving



Not pregnant. Just got low hanging macca cheese gut


Loved spending time with the smallfry and their smallfry pals.  Story time, unicorn hunting, swingball tournaments and illicitly feeding them edible glitter (AKA unicorn poo) then laughing at my eldest niece saying “Nothing to see here Daddy” when they were busted mid-dab in the doorway of the tent.  Also much amused at youngest nieceling rallying the camp to come and look at her “massive poo”.  I’m all good thanks.  I’ll take your word for it.


Managed to spend an entire weekend outside, dancing about barefoot without so much as an insect bite.  Went back to work on Monday and buggered my calf (other leg this time) whilst playing rounders with Year 6. I jumped to catch the ball and  felt my calf muscle just go “TWANG”.  I was like, “Oh man alive. Not again!”  I was immobilized for nearly 3 weeks last time that happened.  I still got the batter out though.  Skilllzzz!  Injury stopped play so we called it a draw.
I strapped it up and 2 days later it doesn’t feel nearly as bad.  I can walk in a fairly normal fashion and it doesn’t hurt.  So nowhere near as traumatic as last time, thank goodness.  Didn’t fancy lurching round Tenerife like something from Shaun of the Dead.

Meanwhile, my baby girl has had her last day at primary school and for the first time in 7 years I did shed a tear at the leaving assembly.  Probably because I hadn’t had anything to do with the production of it for the first time in years, so hadn’t seen it hundreds of times.

The end of an era…but the start of 5 weeks off!

It’s been a long time coming Mofos.

Ciao Tutti Xx

P.S. fave band was Robots with Rayguns


One of these calves is now slightly more swollen.

Is it the holidays yet?

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So this week I puppeteered (it’s a word dudes) the school sports day from behind the scenes.  I pumped up a bunch of space hoppers which promptly deflated due to lack of stoppers.  I got cross. I may have yelled a bit. I got a shelf load of mini hurdles in my face (which hurt but left no heroic scar as proof).  I went a bit Beverly Goldberg at one point.


But the sun came out. The children had fun and the Year 6s did  a great job of running the show.

Then I had to gather the score sheets, take them home and fathom out which team had won.

The cat decided to help.  After an hour of cross-referencing names and teams due to what can best be described as, hmmmmm, let’s just say ‘incomplete data’ – our facial expressions were somewhat similar.  She was less sweary though.


It’s almost the end of term but I have another 7 days yet. I am on my last thread of nerve. I ache all over. I don’t know what I am meant to be doing from one hour to the next, either at work or at home. 


I did find this bad boy when emptying a cupboard though:-


I’ve brought it home so I can practice a few primary school classics over the holidays. Who’s in? We can re-live assemblies of old when we deliberately sang the wrong words so often that the real ones were forgotten completely.

   “Cross over the road my friend. Ask the Lord to run you over.”


“When god made the garden of creation he did it sat on the loo.  When he made the garden of creation he filled it full of his poo.”

and the classic with the actual words: –

“I was cold I was naked were you there? Were you there?”

Fnarr Fnarr.

Ciao MoFos Xx


School is most definitely out for summer!

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First day of the summer holidays and I was awake and up by 0530! 

Bman on earlies and woke me up yelling at the cat, then knocking things over in the bathroom.  Made myself useful and cleaned my camping stove in the yard and faffed about with camping gear in the shed.  By the time the childerbeast got up at 0900 I was about ready to go back to bed.


Last week of term went well.  Tiring though.  People think that if you work in education that the last week of term is the easiest.  I always find it the most stressful.  My brain is continually buzzing with what still needs doing and what I have to do over the break for next term,
On Monday I had a trip to Scarborough with 60 under 7s.  Fun but tiring, particularly when the coach driver took us 0n a magical mystery tour and I had to go up front to assist with the directions.
Tuesday I helped take a class of children out to lunch (eventually after another coach driver issue!) That wasn’t quite as stressful as I had anticipated and I managed to make it back to school in time to get my choir kids ready for their little recital.

We won’t be guest starring on ‘Glee’ anytime soon but they enjoyed it and did alright, bless them.

My childerbeast were emotional wrecks all week. Falling out with friends, getting into bother, giddy as loons one minute and crying the next.  Year 6 leaving assembly on Friday was pretty good.  The devils had sneaked in an extra thankyou for me, which almost set me off beefing.  They were all brilliant during the assembly but many of them lost it by the afternoon.  Mondo tears were shed.  Had fun at Y5 Vs 6 rounders match too.  So much fun in fact that I didn’t bat an eyelid when I was accidentally and highly inappropriately told to “Bring it on Muppet Tits!” in front of the children.

Oops.  If they heard, they (like me) didn’t seem to register.


When the day was finally over I spent the evening getting rather drunk with my bezzy, setting the world to rights one drink at a time.  Note to self though.  Try not leave Siri on while you are talking bobbins, so that it tries to send a text to your mate’s boyfriend that goes a little something like this…

“Deleted in the city of wine party with a kind  of ball on Facebook.  You can download the only leotards on our eyes are burning only sleepy Utah?
The 14th Kulas think you when you knew the wine you drink some shit where the problem got this from.”

I shit you not!

I also think I know exactly what we were talking about but I guess you had to be there…

Chunderbirds are go!

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Movie quote of the day:  “Holy shit where’s the Tylenol?” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Christmas play shizzles all done and dusted.  My childerbeast were, of course, fabulous!
Family gift exchange all done last week in Liverpool & Manc and still no sign of my newest niece.  To be fair she isn’t due until Saturday, which would be an awesome birthday gift if she arrived on time.

2 more ‘get ups’ to go before the end of term and nothing says Merry fecking Christmas like a sponging down children’s’ coats and cleaning out their shoes when another child has projectile vomited in the cloakroom!  Snap on the Marigolds and fire up the Anti-bac spray… I’m going in.

Today kids we will be calculating the surface area covered, of a spray of vomit travelling at approximately 70mph, through splayed fingers.

It was nothing if not extensive!


Meanwhile…. it is my 42nd birthday on Saturday and I am revisiting the site of my 20th birthday celebrations – Scarborough Spa.
I very much doubt I would fit into the same clothes, even if I still had them (which I don’t).  I do hoard my wardrobe items, it’s true,.. but not for that long!

Haven’t had a drink since October half-term.  I’ll probably pass out after 2 vodka and oranges and have to be taken home by 11pm!



Have a cheeky Christmas