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How looooooong has this been going on?

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Anyone else wondering if it all might go a bit ‘Game of Thrones’ or ‘Threads’ once we / if we eventually leave the EU? 
Failure of the national grid? Walls of ice separating north and south? Fights to the death over lettuces in Aldi?  Children burnt at the stake to appease non-existent gods?
Forget dope and crack – the dealers will be cashing in, selling insulin and ibuprofen under cover of darkness.  Mothers bartering sexual favours in doorways in exchange for rats in a basket to feed their kids because we can’t get cans of beans anymore? 

It almost went that way yesterday when Whatsapp, FB and Insta all went down at the same time and the entire nation had to make conversation with their loved ones rather than communicating via memes.  Thousands of posed & heavily filtered photos remained unposted. People around the country were denied the knowledge of what their old school friends, not seen for 25 years, had eaten for their tea!  


What a catastrophic clusterfuck of ineptitude our government is at the moment?  When are we changing the national anthem to the Benny Hill theme tune?  We must be a laughing stock to the rest of Europe.  FFS!
I didn’t vote to leave but I respect anyone’s decision who did, providing they voted as best they could with the scant information I felt we’d been given.  I’m not sure anyone actually knew what was going to happen. Although if you were one of those people who voted to leave because you thought anyone not born and raised within the sound of the Bow Bells would be immediately deported, then you, my friend are a bellend and I do not respect your decision.
  I used to be in charge of School Council when I worked in a school (this one time…) and a bunch of primary school children seemed more capable of sorting their shit out than our current lot in charge.


Meanwhile, I have got some new sneakers and they are super comfortable and feel very bouncy – I may even be tempted on my walk to work to break into a light jog – who knows.




Am also slightingly disturbed that in the last few days when I log on to FB on the laptop, I am getting pop up ads for viagra and sites which encourage random sexual encounters!  One of which depicted a cartoon image of a woman astride a man who was sat upon a washing machine – the heading read, “Are you having a dry spell?”  WTF Facebook?


Ciao Ciao MoFos.  I’m off to stockpile like an end of days prepper and watch people yelling at one another on Question Time  Xx


MSGs, sea air and hair

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I recently posted on ArseBook about how much it had saddened me that eldest Childerbeast had lured her friend round for tea on the basis of being able to have a pot noodle.

I would like it noted for the record that we do not habitually eat such things.  I am not known for my culinary prowess, I won’t lie. But I can manage a lasagne or other pasta-based meals or heat up a pie or whatever.  The children like my jam tarts and my mushroom and stilton pate has become something of a Christmas tradition.   Seemingly, my daughter’s pal is not allowed to have such a thing as a Pot Noodle, so had to come to the wrong side of 8-Mile to indulge in such an illicit substance.

I used to quite enjoy a Pot Noodle but now I can take them or leave them (preferably leave them).  I was at work when said friend came round, but apparently, the verdict was “I don’t think I’ll be having another one anytime soon”. So perhaps all was not lost and a learning curve was steered.  Maybe this could become a thing.  Allowing the youth to try out forbidden items in the hope of putting them off.  Like me pointing out Ketamine casualties to my girls at Boomtown with the stark warning of “Don’t be THAT girl”

As I posted on FB ‘next week…glue sniffing’



The Bman and I went to Scarborough for the day last week on one of his days off. A bit of an impromptu visit.  Can’t remember the last time I went TBH.  The fresh salty air and compulsory fish & chip lunch were most pleasant and the magic words from Bman (clearly drunk on sea air) of “Do you want owt?” when I made him look in the window of Shipton’s the Jewellers came as a welcome surprise, which I immediately took advantage of.


Happy Valentine Day to me

It was a little depressing seeing lots of places gone to the dogs or looking beyond jaded. When people can go abroad for the same price as a family holiday on the English seaside, but where they can be guaranteed hot sunshine, it’s not surprising that places go to rack and ruin.  Such a shame.  Those days of Victorians flocking there to take the waters and even the heady days of the 70s and 80’s – even the 90’s, have long gone.  There’s only one nightclub in town these days and tourists would be hard pushed to find it.

On the way back to the station we did a double-take as a familiar face passed us as we were crossing the road – they also did a double-take at us.  “Was that…?”  / “I think it was you know…”
  And that was a bit depressing. Someone from an old friendship group (who will remain nameless) who looked bloody terrible.  Black eye, dodgy muzzie, shambling to the dole office with a sense of purpose and looking about 20 years older than us.  I once had an ill-advised crush on this person, which resulted in a one-time drunken pash. The state of him the other day I was glad it had gone no further.  Sliding Doors man.  How do people end up on such a path?  There but for the grace of etc etc…

Meanwhile, I got my crispy chlorinated weave trimmed today and my hairdresser deserves a medal for tackling that mammoth task without gardening gloves and shears. 

Snaps to her for making something sleek out of my usual surfer’s seaweedy nest.


The smoothness won’t last

 Ciao Ciao Xx




You’ve got a friend in me

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I was contemplating my friends list yesterday. Not the Facebook friends list. Everyone on my FB friends list has merit, don’t get me wrong,  but sometimes I wonder if I would recognize them in the line at Morrisons or if they would know me. (I’m not always underwater for a start).

There are about 5 names I can list (but won’t) who I used to consider a really good friend.

But now…  not so much.

And I’m not even sure what happened.


What did I do to have them blow me out like that?  I must’ve become boring, or annoying or hacked them off somehow.

Pardon about that.

Their loss though.


Who wouldn’t want to be friends with this?





Sometimes it can be a bit weird, I won’t lie.  As the following screenshots from a messenger conversation last night will testify:-

It started with this newspaper article in yesterday’s Metro.




 Poor Lennie Peters. Sod’s Law that he was bricked in his good eye!



Fairly standard TBH.



Big-up to the crazy people who have stuck by me since the get-go and welcome aboard to all new passengers.  Buckle up MoFos and keep your limbs inside the vehicle at all times. To those who jumped ship – what’s up with that? Where did you go? You’re missing a trick. Come back aboard the love train. Unless you think you’re better than me, or I’m not good enough for you – in which case, fuck off then.


So what’s happening?

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So I deactivated Facebook before I went on holiday as an experiment. (the deactivation was the experiment, not the holiday)

It turns out that you do not need to know what your old 1980’s school pals are having for their lunch or what they did at the weekend.  You haven’t known for over 30 years and you survived and thrived perfectly well.

I have found it strangely liberating and a giant stride towards mental health equilibrium.

Speaking of… not sure E4 E-sting of a couple of cartoon heifers dancing about in front of a sign-post about ‘Mad Cows’ was deliberate or an awkward coincidence during Mental Health Awareness Week (and just before a message about mental health).

I am still signed off sick from work from being nutty as fruitcake ‘anxiety issues’ and for the first time in my life, since that one year in the 90’s when combat trousers and tight tops were all the rage courtesy of ‘All Saints’, I appear to actually be on trend.
It’s ok these days to be a bit barking apparently.  Even the Royal Family say it’s alright.


Have begun to feel considerably less anxious and dippy about everything than I was before, but then I am at home most of the time so I have no cause to be anxious.  (I do also have a prescription which I avoided for a very long time, that’s probably helping more than I’d like to admit).  I tell you what though. Do not ever read the contra-indications on your meds.  YOU WILL DIE!  it doesn’t say that really. BUT YOU MIGHT DIE!  it pretty much did say that.  I forget whether it was as a result of taking the tablets at all or if you stopped taking them without telling your GP – either way, I decided to ignore that and just threw them in the bin (the contra-indication notes, not the pills).

So what else have I learned while I have been at home with my thumb up my arse?
    * My husband is nicer than I thought
    * Daytime TV is mostly shit
    * I have watched about 8600 hrs of various Most Haunted type shows
    * Most of them are exactly the same but I watch them anyway
    * Several of my friends actually don’t really give a shit that I’m off & why
    * I am ok with that
    * It’s ok to be ok with sometimes not being ok


images courtesy of google images

Breakdowns and birthdays

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After a poor mental start to the week with a minor breakdown in the shed and then the following night a rather more vocal one in the house…


… I deleted Facebook and the BBC News app from my Kindle, to make access to the World Wide Web of shame, shenanegins & shite, a lot harder. I will have to put much more effort into reading about what my friends are drinking/eating/watching/feeling and whatever hideousness has gone on in the world.



I am feeling a lot less like a loonbag today after channeling my inner Esther Williams at yet another local pool.  Think I will systematically work my way around all the pools in the region to try and find my favourite.

We almost didn’t get in at all when the receptionist mistook my youngest for a boy and almost refused her entry to the women’s and girls only session.  Poor Al.  AKA Sonny Jim.


Was showing my youngest and her friend a dive and seeing if I could make it all the way to the other end under water. When I surfaced (I was short by about 3 metres) the lifeguard lady gave me a big thumbs up and shouted “Hey, do you want a job?”


I do.

That would be awesome.



It’s my eldest girl’s birthday today.  This time 12 years ago I was sat in LGI, literally holding the baby and wondering “WTF!  How am I supposed to look after this tiny thing?”  A dozen years later and I haven’t managed to completely break her, traumatize her or psychologically damage her beyond repair yet.   So far so good.

I don’t know what happened to the little girl who wanted everything Moshi Monster?  This year she wanted a windows smart phone (that I could happily have hurled out of the window this morning when trying to set the fucker up!)  Bloody technology.  The more it seems to evolve, the more I seem to hate it.  The only reason I continue to write this blog is because it’s like talking to myself without actually having to open my mouth.

I’m sure I’d be much happier if I was a dolphin. Just swimming about, eating fish and laughing away all day long.


That was the week that was (bit crap really despite the weather being sunny)

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This time last week we were still at the Alton Towers resort. 

It hasn’t been open since Tuesday. 

What’s that phrase?  ‘There but for the grace of god go I’.  After raving about The Smiler & my eldest buying herself a Smiler T-Shirt & Bag, that particular ride looks set to not reopen for some time!  I do hope whatever problem caused the accident gets sorted soon and I hope they don’t scrap it completely.  It is awesome!  Feel bad for those most seriously injured though.  Fun day out turned utterly rotten and all that.


I was only thinking last weekend how in younger days I would have had butterflies and been a bag of nerves about going on big rides.  As I flew round on the Big Six and didn’t hold on as we plummeted down the Oblivion, I felt no fear, not even any real excitement. It was fun, don’t get me wrong.  I just seemed to have lost the ability to really FEEL. When did that happen?
I don’t think I can really remember the last time I got really excited or thrilled about anything. Like you did as a kid when you felt it in your belly and your chest. I’m just a shell of a woman these days drifting through life in a daze.

Seemingly though, I am ‘awful’ and have ‘no maternal instincts’ if the Facebook comments of the natives are to be believed. 

Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. 
    I did spend a few hours questioning my mothering skills and admitting that I had done and said awful things in my time. Then I thought about all the good things I have done and said, which far outweighed the bad and decided not to beat myself up anymore.  Why care about what someone who means nothing to you thinks of you?  No point.

This week Bman has been at his mother’s, doing odd jobs and clearing out her cellar.  He’s due back shortly.  No doubt  with a hunchback from stooping and a rant or two up his sleeve about his week.

Had the bed all to myself all week. Will have to share it again now with a snory man.





Prize for crappest harvest donation goes to…. oh shit, it’s me!

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Annual Harvest time troll round the ghetto, delivering out of date cans of beans and veg on the turn to the decrepit and deceased of the neighbourhood.

No dead ‘uns this year on my route and it didn’t rain.  Hurrah!

Did, however spot a box of Redbush tea that Bman tried to palm off on us for a donation – already opened and half-used.  Somebody down the road is now the proud owner of that quality item! 
       I had said I would take them to work and just stick them in the tea & coffee cupboard.  I hadn’t realised he’d stuck them in the donation bag.  FFS!


And despite not being able to post nipple pics up on Facebook (why would you?) It is now okay to post actual footage of beheadings as long as people re-posting them are condemning them”.


FOIS leader, Stephen Balkam, said: “I would have expected a heads-up on this.

“I’m very unhappy that these have gone back up and that they have gone up without any warning. First thing tomorrow morning I intend to raise this with Facebook.”


Unfortunate turn of phrase there Mr Balkam, given the subject matter of the video in question.


Still feel woolly headed – like aftermath of all-weekender of class A proportions (like the ones my husband claims I never had).  He forgets I did once have an existence before him.  🙂
  Once upon a time kids, long long ago, in a galaxy far far away, Mummy used to have a very busy social life…