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Happy Halloween Mothercluckas

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Halloween is like my Christmas and it’s all over for another year already.

😦

Had an enjoyable day as it is half-term – off work, Childerbeast off school. They helped me make a doughnut-shaped cake and pumpkin soup.  My chocolate ribcage turned out better than expected and I finally got to dress as Melanie Daniels from Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’.  This caused no end of confusion to the local children who had no idea who I was meant to be or why I had stuffed crows on my head when I answered the door. To be honest I doubt the local adults knew either.

 

Youngest offspring had her pals round and fair play to them for coming up with the triple costume idea of dressing as ‘Heathers’.

 

 

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We watched the weirdest film in a long time – ‘Midsommar‘ by the same dude who made ‘Hereditary’.  It made ‘The Wicker Man‘ seem like a lovely feelgood movie about rural life.

Very strange film.

Yesterday I took the childerbeast to Kirkstall Abbey for at atmospheric evening screening in the dark and the fog of ‘Hocus Pocus’. Sanderson Sisters tribute act did a bit of audience participation stuff and it was quite cool (chilly in fact) watching it on a big screen while actual bats fluttered around infront of the screen.

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Bman and I (inbetween bickering about nothing and making one another feel bad) did have a strange bedtime conversation on Halloween as we watched a thing on Talking Pictures channel called ‘The Legend of the Witch’. It was a 1970s documentary about the origins of witches and the modern-day witch (as it would have been in the late 1960s). It was essentially a lot of titular bullcrap about people getting naked and dancing about,  literally kissing one another’s bottoms, killing chickens and worshipping Lucifer.
This led Bman to suggest an idea for a Channel 5 reality show where celebrity has-beens compete in acts of paganism and witchcraft.  Sacrificing for survival alongside the likes of Chris Akabussi,  David Van Day and Cheryl Baker et al, all taking part in naked rituals or satanic rites. Compered by someone like Christine Hamilton or that woman vicar who used to be on Gogglebox.  Claudia Winkleman could do the spin-off show on FiveStar.

It’s only a matter of time before that shit actually happens.

It’s November MoFos.  Do not mention the C word (no, not THAT one. I like that one. The other one!)

Xx

 

There is a Swansea

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In an effort to not get cabin fever on the second of my weekly days off and to allow the Bman to actually have his day off at home without anyone in the house – I went into Leeds today so he could yell at his laptop in peace.

Not Bradford.

Leeds.

Bright lights. Big City y’all! Oh yeah!

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Going out! and not wearing trackydaks or swimmers!

En route, I spotted this locksmith’s van which deserves some snaps. Well done that man with a van.

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 a carriage of no horse drawn – belching Satan’s black wind into our clean and local air

I survived the bus journey into town despite having forgotten my mp3 or any headphones so I could listen to music on my phone.  Took a while to eventually tune out the incessant babble of the teenage girls on the bus with their,”yeah but no but yeah but no. but he said right, and OMG I’m so small I can’t even fit in a size 6 in New Look yeah because I think I must be like a 4 or summink”

Oh boohoo adorable youthful thin person. That must be terrible.

😦

Once in Leeds I ended up drifting into Forbidden Planet to check out their Funko pop Vinyl sale and was ridiculously thrilled to see the legendary Pixie the Adventure Puss in the actual flesh fur! What a beautifully coloured tortoise-shell she is too, and I commented such to her ‘dad’.
I can’t see our Alan Lickman going for it with the old getting walked on a harness though.

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No!

Or Pepper, who would probably collapse with fright like Mr Jelly when a leaf fell on his head.  She almost imploded with fear the time we drove her 2 streets away in the car to the cattery the other year when we went to Orlando.

On a whim, when realising how close I was to Pieminister, I went in to treat myself to a lone lunch.  ‘Chooks Away’ (vegan chicken) pie with mash, gravy and minted mushy peas with a pot of tea.
Read my book and watched the world go by along Boar Lane as I thought to myself,
 “This is awesome. I’m a very lucky girl” and I felt rather blessed. Such a northern bird – easily satisfied with a pie.

😀

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Yes of course I took a photo of my lunch. #pieminister

I was about to head home when my attention was grabbed by a window display of Halloween themed items in HomeSense.  Showing what I consider as remarkable restraint, I resisted the urge to make purchase of a £15 large snowglobe of stacked glittery pumpkins which, when wound up, played the tune of, “Ding Dong the witch is dead”.  Surely some sort of award should be presented to me for such willpower (possibly a £15 musical pumpkin snowglobe from HomeSense perhaps?)

🙂

Naturally I may have to go back into Leeds after Halloween to see if it has been reduced, because of course that kind of quality item isn’t just for Halloween y’all. Get that shit on display all year round!

Ciao Ciao Bitches 

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come sisters, we fly!

 

and the rain slowly saps my life force away…

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We’ve gone from glorious late September sun, to utterly pissing it down and considering putting the heating on. I have felt my energy sapping today. Washed away down the drain like Georgie’s paper boat in ‘It’

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There goes my energies

Bring on Halloween.

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Today I have been mostly pondering how I managed to function in my former life on so little sleep.  I say little.  I slept enough back when I was working in school. But not to the extent that I do now that I don’t have to be at work at 8am. 
I get up to see that the Childerbeast have got up for school. I wave them off then lock the door behind them. I then slink back into bed for another couple of hours.  Yesterday, I didn’t. I stayed awake and got up and did stuff, and by the time it came to set off walking the 2 and half miles to work, I was like a zombie. I felt almost hungover.

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Think Keanu may be onto something…

Today I sat in the bus shelter at the top of the road, waiting for the Morrison’s shuttle bus. It was late. Of course.  This is what I do now, when I’m not sleeping or in the pool. I wait for buses that never come, whilst listening to the same music over and over again on my MP3. (I keep forgetting to add new tunes and CBA with Spotify because despite my playlists, it keeps throwing randomness into the mix that I can’t get rid of because I am a technodunce). I watched the rain pour down while I ran over imaginary scenarios in my head and mentally berated myself for things I did or didn’t say/ did or didn’t do, decades ago.

 

After trailing around Morrisons, buying foodstuffs I probably don’t need, I waited again for the return shuttle bus, whilst people watching and pondering my life choices.  It looked a bit like this…

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I considered, as I stood under the shelter awaiting yet another late bus, whether to turn away from the blonde barnet in my older age and have a go at red again. But then thought I would probably end up looking like Myrtle Snow from American Horror Story.

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Think I’ll stick with the blonde and eventually morph into some kind of Patsy Stone/Bubbles De Vere/Barbara Cartland character.

Right now the only reason I haven’t gone back to bed yet is because it’s Bake Off night so I’ll have to wait until 9 before crawling back into my pit.

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If you too managed to survive another day. Well done you.  Have a cuppa to celebrate then get yourself off to bed to the sanctuary of your duvet. Then we’ll do it all again tomorrow.

G’night MoFos Xx

Don’t go there…stay indoors. Shut the blinds.

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In my mission to finally dress as Melanie Daniels (Tippi Hedren’s character) from ‘The Birds’ at Halloween, I was forced to venture into town today.  Scouring the charity shops of Bradford for an appropriate sage green suit or dress and jacket.

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I’d needed a wee as soon as I got off the bus of course, but refused to pay 30p to use the fetid public toilets at the Interchange, so on the way to Sunbridge Wells, I ducked into ‘Spoons.

Fuck me!

Wednesday lunchtime and it was rammed full of people. Mostly olds. All eating and taking full advantage of the endless coffee/tea refills.

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Charity shops and vape shops are about the only thing left on what was the old High Street now. Everything has closed down since the Broadway Shopping Centre opened further down town.  Obviously I had to go into Millets – a closing down sale in a camping store – I was like a moth to a flame.  Managed to stop myself making purchase of an emergency bivvy bag for the old ‘Grab Bag’.  Fuck Yellowhammer, I’ve had one of those at the ready for years. Just in case. Brexit chaos? Sentient AI Uprising? Zombie Apocalypse? Alien Invasion?#beprepared  

Speaking of the zombie apocalypse. It could well have begun already in Bradford and nobody would notice – like when Shaun goes to the shop in ‘Shaun of the Dead’.

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I was bumped into outside Superdrug by a man who looked like a zombie Che Guevara. I think he was trying to steal my wallet as I put it back in my bag. He was unsuccessful, due to my quick reflexes and the fact that he looked as if he’d had a few hits of spice so was a bit unsteady on his feet to say the least. 

After about an hour I was beginning to feel like I was in an episode of The Walking Dead  meets The Real Housewives of Buttershaw and considered heading back to ‘Spoons for a pint or 5 just to forget that this is where I live. This craphole where I brought my children into the world. Where I will likely never escape from. Where I hope they escape from as soon as they can. Were I am in no doubt that there are other places just as shite, and worse than this. Don’t go to any of those places kids.  Aim high!

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Girls in so much make up – where do they think they were going? How much more slap do they put on if they’re going out-out?  Scaggy looking couple with scaggy looking child shouting at one another at the bus stop and exposing their clear lack of dental hygiene to everyone. More spice casualties bumping into me as they weaved their way down the street.

I managed to source a suitable outfit from Oxfam for £4 and get the rest of my shopping list and headed for the bus home before I either threw myself infront of one or went on a shooting spree. It could have gone either way. But every now and then you need to do this kind of stuff so you can evaluate your life and see that it could in fact be a fuck load worse.

Count your blessings y’all.

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I may need to break my no booze through the week ban and have a G&T to steady my nerves. 

😦

 

Trick or Treat Y’all

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Favourite time of the year. Samhain. Halloween, All Hallows Eve, Soul Cake Day (Pratchett fans – and that’s a real thing BTW).

 

One child gone off to a sleepover looking too beautiful by far in her devil horns, with strict instructions not to get drunk or eat so many sweets she spews – it could go either way at her age.  The other one here with her mama, supposedly on door duty to dole out lollies and/or stop Alan Lickman escaping.  He is busting to go out but not yet allowed – despite a most excellent Halloween costume to rival any Woochie prosthetic make-up.  Giffy eye, stud through the jaw and a hole in his neck!  Lovely.  So far though it’s been me who has been up and down like a fiddler’s elbow to answer the door while her ladyship ‘ gets ready’ – for what I’m not entirely sure.

Had a most excellent visit to Chester Y Fronts over the weekend.  Party tea for mum’s birthday with (most of) the Fam (don’t ask) on Sunday, after a mare of a train journey.  A family viewing of the genius Halloween edition of Inside No9. Then a most civilized lunch at Cote in Chester on Monday afternoon and visit to the pub in the evening.  Tuesday, my Pops took the Childerbeast to the cinema and I met my pal Miss Sunshine and we spent a very pleasant afternoon sat by the fire in the Grosvenor Arms catching on up each others lives since the last time we met.

Nice.

Stay safe out there MoFos. Watch out for Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers, Pennywise, Slenderman (Don’t look directly at him) and if you see any class 5 full bodied apparitions be sure to get a selfie.

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Say hello to the night…

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…lost in the shadows

Song Lyric of the Day:  “Last fire will rise, behind those eyes” – Cry Little Sister, L.A. Guns

Movie Quote of the Day: “Are you freebasing? Enquiring minds want to know” – The Lost Boys


Despite still feeling as though I am only running on 20% power, I went out last night with a friend to The Lost Boys Experience at Kirkstall Abbey. I was dressed as Edgar Frog, as I’d poo-pooed Bman’s suggestion that I go as the shirtless, oiled-up sax player from the Boardwalk.

 

There were many 80s coiffured vampire looking types. There were people there who were clearly not old enough to remember this movie from 30 years ago. There were noodles (briefly) and blood themed cocktails. 

   We mocked the massive queue for mulled cider in the Kloisters, before realizing it was actually the line to take our seats for the screening. Got on the end and eventually found our seats & arranged our rugs & muffs (easy now!)  We had to move a few times, thanks to sodding Blair Witch and her mate with a massive furry collar parked right in front of us.

We pick & lifted our rugs, muffs, bags etc and shuffled further up the row but then bugger me, if Where’s Wally & her mate didn’t do the same. Cue some further comedy shuffling whilst simultaneously cursing & giggling.  We found somewhere with a less restricted view and then blow me if The Attack of the 50ft Woman didn’t come & sat right in front of us aswell!

FFS!

😀

We had a group sing along to ‘Cry Little Sister’ and then the movie began. We quoted along and geezer behind us kept guffawing loudly at random bits of the film that weren’t funny, but that made us giggle even more.

Once it was over, with the classic line of; “There’s one thing about Santa Carla that I never could stand….all the damn vampires!” It was time for fairground games and an 80s themed disco.   It’s been a long time since I had a boogie to anything by The Smiths or Erasure.  Not sure what the monks of Kirkstall Abbey would’ve made of it all but we thought it was great.

We also discovered that we kicked ass at Bog Roll Basketball & that in the event of seeing a Killer Clown, my initial reaction was to get a photo with it.  A bit like that time my sister & I saw a zombie invasion on Oxford Road in Manchester and we ran toward it, whooping!

Today is Halloween. Literally my favourite time of year.  For the first time in years though, I just can’t be arsed. Think because it’s a Monday and we haven’t had a party this year. My girls are out trick or treating, with instructions to ring if the Mama Mafia is required to come out & kick anybody’s butt!  Bman is at work til 11pm & I am slugging out on the sofa in my skeleton onesie (which I wear year-round anyway) & ignoring the door. I have no desire for a whole new generation of local children to know where I live.  I just want one more day before school starts again where I don’t have to fake a smile and be all professional – especially not in my pyjamas on my own doorstep.

Michael Meyers is a tit man

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Gave blood for first time last week.   Got told off by a Susan Boyle lookalike nurse for not disclosing that I’d had a paracetamol at the weekend.  She made me feel like some kind of lying, drug-addled deviant.  Other than that it went ok. I didn’t pass out or anything & show myself up.

We also went to Manchester to spend the evening at my sister’s.   City centre was busy. Slightly disturbed at mini tent city outside Boots on Market Street, complete with teens partaking of a bottle bong in broad daylight & nobody seemed to bat an eyelid!  It’s a city centre shopping area dudes.  Not a bloody festival!

Had a lovely birthday lunch at my sister’s for Mum on Thursday.   Fab to see everyone, especially my noisy little niecelings.

Had pals round on Saturday for my favourite time of year – Halloween. I went down the Dia de los Meurtos route again costume-wise.  Sugar skull glamour.  Anything to try to camouflage myself from hoardes of trick or treaters saying “Hiya Miss” (& knowing where I live!) 

Pity that didn’t work. 

They all knew who I was straight away! Even the ones who don’t already know where I live.  Will have to try harder next year. 

Bman looked pretty scary as Michael Myers.  I volunteered to dangle a coat hanger from his eye socket for maximum effect but he said it was ok.  He even had some horrid dismembered arm thing going on as a nod to his love of all things zombie.  I think between him and Stef dressed as Undead Santa, they managed to traumatize many of the younglings of the neighbourhood.

Job done.

🙂

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Back to work today, where I aim to make like my blood group and B-positive.

😀