RSS Feed

Tag Archives: halloween

Don’t go there…stay indoors. Shut the blinds.

Posted on

In my mission to finally dress as Melanie Daniels (Tippi Hedren’s character) from ‘The Birds’ at Halloween, I was forced to venture into town today.  Scouring the charity shops of Bradford for an appropriate sage green suit or dress and jacket.

giphy

 

I’d needed a wee as soon as I got off the bus of course, but refused to pay 30p to use the fetid public toilets at the Interchange, so on the way to Sunbridge Wells, I ducked into ‘Spoons.

Fuck me!

Wednesday lunchtime and it was rammed full of people. Mostly olds. All eating and taking full advantage of the endless coffee/tea refills.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Charity shops and vape shops are about the only thing left on what was the old High Street now. Everything has closed down since the Broadway Shopping Centre opened further down town.  Obviously I had to go into Millets – a closing down sale in a camping store – I was like a moth to a flame.  Managed to stop myself making purchase of an emergency bivvy bag for the old ‘Grab Bag’.  Fuck Yellowhammer, I’ve had one of those at the ready for years. Just in case. Brexit chaos? Sentient AI Uprising? Zombie Apocalypse? Alien Invasion?#beprepared  

Speaking of the zombie apocalypse. It could well have begun already in Bradford and nobody would notice – like when Shaun goes to the shop in ‘Shaun of the Dead’.

shaun-10

I was bumped into outside Superdrug by a man who looked like a zombie Che Guevara. I think he was trying to steal my wallet as I put it back in my bag. He was unsuccessful, due to my quick reflexes and the fact that he looked as if he’d had a few hits of spice so was a bit unsteady on his feet to say the least. 

After about an hour I was beginning to feel like I was in an episode of The Walking Dead  meets The Real Housewives of Buttershaw and considered heading back to ‘Spoons for a pint or 5 just to forget that this is where I live. This craphole where I brought my children into the world. Where I will likely never escape from. Where I hope they escape from as soon as they can. Were I am in no doubt that there are other places just as shite, and worse than this. Don’t go to any of those places kids.  Aim high!

source
Girls in so much make up – where do they think they were going? How much more slap do they put on if they’re going out-out?  Scaggy looking couple with scaggy looking child shouting at one another at the bus stop and exposing their clear lack of dental hygiene to everyone. More spice casualties bumping into me as they weaved their way down the street.

I managed to source a suitable outfit from Oxfam for £4 and get the rest of my shopping list and headed for the bus home before I either threw myself infront of one or went on a shooting spree. It could have gone either way. But every now and then you need to do this kind of stuff so you can evaluate your life and see that it could in fact be a fuck load worse.

Count your blessings y’all.

c9164199236b94607addd5194e0020e0814d5eb5b424913f89218c1b47891bb9

I may need to break my no booze through the week ban and have a G&T to steady my nerves. 

😦

 

Advertisements

Trick or Treat Y’all

Posted on

Favourite time of the year. Samhain. Halloween, All Hallows Eve, Soul Cake Day (Pratchett fans – and that’s a real thing BTW).

 

One child gone off to a sleepover looking too beautiful by far in her devil horns, with strict instructions not to get drunk or eat so many sweets she spews – it could go either way at her age.  The other one here with her mama, supposedly on door duty to dole out lollies and/or stop Alan Lickman escaping.  He is busting to go out but not yet allowed – despite a most excellent Halloween costume to rival any Woochie prosthetic make-up.  Giffy eye, stud through the jaw and a hole in his neck!  Lovely.  So far though it’s been me who has been up and down like a fiddler’s elbow to answer the door while her ladyship ‘ gets ready’ – for what I’m not entirely sure.

Had a most excellent visit to Chester Y Fronts over the weekend.  Party tea for mum’s birthday with (most of) the Fam (don’t ask) on Sunday, after a mare of a train journey.  A family viewing of the genius Halloween edition of Inside No9. Then a most civilized lunch at Cote in Chester on Monday afternoon and visit to the pub in the evening.  Tuesday, my Pops took the Childerbeast to the cinema and I met my pal Miss Sunshine and we spent a very pleasant afternoon sat by the fire in the Grosvenor Arms catching on up each others lives since the last time we met.

Nice.

Stay safe out there MoFos. Watch out for Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers, Pennywise, Slenderman (Don’t look directly at him) and if you see any class 5 full bodied apparitions be sure to get a selfie.

IMG_20181031_155552

 

 

Say hello to the night…

Posted on

…lost in the shadows

Song Lyric of the Day:  “Last fire will rise, behind those eyes” – Cry Little Sister, L.A. Guns

Movie Quote of the Day: “Are you freebasing? Enquiring minds want to know” – The Lost Boys


Despite still feeling as though I am only running on 20% power, I went out last night with a friend to The Lost Boys Experience at Kirkstall Abbey. I was dressed as Edgar Frog, as I’d poo-pooed Bman’s suggestion that I go as the shirtless, oiled-up sax player from the Boardwalk.

 

There were many 80s coiffured vampire looking types. There were people there who were clearly not old enough to remember this movie from 30 years ago. There were noodles (briefly) and blood themed cocktails. 

   We mocked the massive queue for mulled cider in the Kloisters, before realizing it was actually the line to take our seats for the screening. Got on the end and eventually found our seats & arranged our rugs & muffs (easy now!)  We had to move a few times, thanks to sodding Blair Witch and her mate with a massive furry collar parked right in front of us.

We pick & lifted our rugs, muffs, bags etc and shuffled further up the row but then bugger me, if Where’s Wally & her mate didn’t do the same. Cue some further comedy shuffling whilst simultaneously cursing & giggling.  We found somewhere with a less restricted view and then blow me if The Attack of the 50ft Woman didn’t come & sat right in front of us aswell!

FFS!

😀

We had a group sing along to ‘Cry Little Sister’ and then the movie began. We quoted along and geezer behind us kept guffawing loudly at random bits of the film that weren’t funny, but that made us giggle even more.

Once it was over, with the classic line of; “There’s one thing about Santa Carla that I never could stand….all the damn vampires!” It was time for fairground games and an 80s themed disco.   It’s been a long time since I had a boogie to anything by The Smiths or Erasure.  Not sure what the monks of Kirkstall Abbey would’ve made of it all but we thought it was great.

We also discovered that we kicked ass at Bog Roll Basketball & that in the event of seeing a Killer Clown, my initial reaction was to get a photo with it.  A bit like that time my sister & I saw a zombie invasion on Oxford Road in Manchester and we ran toward it, whooping!

Today is Halloween. Literally my favourite time of year.  For the first time in years though, I just can’t be arsed. Think because it’s a Monday and we haven’t had a party this year. My girls are out trick or treating, with instructions to ring if the Mama Mafia is required to come out & kick anybody’s butt!  Bman is at work til 11pm & I am slugging out on the sofa in my skeleton onesie (which I wear year-round anyway) & ignoring the door. I have no desire for a whole new generation of local children to know where I live.  I just want one more day before school starts again where I don’t have to fake a smile and be all professional – especially not in my pyjamas on my own doorstep.

Michael Meyers is a tit man

Posted on

Gave blood for first time last week.   Got told off by a Susan Boyle lookalike nurse for not disclosing that I’d had a paracetamol at the weekend.  She made me feel like some kind of lying, drug-addled deviant.  Other than that it went ok. I didn’t pass out or anything & show myself up.

We also went to Manchester to spend the evening at my sister’s.   City centre was busy. Slightly disturbed at mini tent city outside Boots on Market Street, complete with teens partaking of a bottle bong in broad daylight & nobody seemed to bat an eyelid!  It’s a city centre shopping area dudes.  Not a bloody festival!

Had a lovely birthday lunch at my sister’s for Mum on Thursday.   Fab to see everyone, especially my noisy little niecelings.

Had pals round on Saturday for my favourite time of year – Halloween. I went down the Dia de los Meurtos route again costume-wise.  Sugar skull glamour.  Anything to try to camouflage myself from hoardes of trick or treaters saying “Hiya Miss” (& knowing where I live!) 

Pity that didn’t work. 

They all knew who I was straight away! Even the ones who don’t already know where I live.  Will have to try harder next year. 

Bman looked pretty scary as Michael Myers.  I volunteered to dangle a coat hanger from his eye socket for maximum effect but he said it was ok.  He even had some horrid dismembered arm thing going on as a nod to his love of all things zombie.  I think between him and Stef dressed as Undead Santa, they managed to traumatize many of the younglings of the neighbourhood.

Job done.

🙂

20151031_160251

20151031_193224

20151031_193154

20151031_200206

Back to work today, where I aim to make like my blood group and B-positive.

😀

Still here… haven’t blown away

Posted on

Realised I haven’t mentioned anything about half term and our trip to Wales and the ‘storm of the century’ and what I eventually wore at Halloween etc.

So:-  It was half term last week.  We went to Wales.  At one point it was rather windy & I feared our accommodation might blow off the hilltop and into the Tay estuary… but it didn’t, so that was good.  The whole place put me in mind of Kellerman’s Mountain Retreat from Dirty Dancing (but sadly lacking in the Johnny Castle department.)

Childerbeast pretending to look as if they were hanging onto the gate in the wind… but it went wrong & Thing 2 face-planted to the floor.

We also went to Chester for a couple of days.  A 5½ hours journey by train from Carmarthen!  Numb-bum times.  Lovely scenery though.

 

Went to Chester Zoo and almost had to have ‘the talk’.  
                   “Mum look at those animals giving each other piggy backs!”
                   ” Ha ha Hmmm,, moving on. Look there’s the gift shop!”

Laughing elephant at Chester Zoo

Laughing elephant at Chester Zoo (maybe because it was on it’s way to have a piggy back)

Back in the projects for Halloween (you know you’re back in the hood when the trick or treaters come round on mini quad bikes! )
          In the finish I utilised the sequined frock I bought for 70’s night at Magic Loungeabout the other year and  went as ‘The Death of  a Disco Dancer’ (#Smithsfans)  Not sure the native teenage populus were expecting this when they knocked on the door.  Especially when I went into teacher mode and gave them a dressing down for not dressing up or saying please and thank you as they tried to jip me of my double lollies and fizz whizz.

well it happens a lot round here

well it happens a lot round here

I think I suit the zombie look - easier to maintain than glam make up

I think I suit the zombie look – easier to maintain than glam make up

Bman didn’t bother this year.

                                                                        🙂

Such an attractive couple

Such an attractive couple

And that, as they say, was about that…

Ciao peeps Xx

Sweety treats & doylems on my doorstep

Posted on

Halloween!

…  the time of year where the veil between the land of the living and the land of teenage fucktards in hoodies & wellies is at it’s thinnest.

When doylems stalk the streets who think that I’m dumb enough to fall for them grabbing a handful of my Haribo then jumping the wall into my neighbours yard; doing the same to them – then coming back up my drive for seconds….

                ….without so much as a thank you, or a kiss my arse nor buggery.

Wezzies!

I don’t mind the littlies (if they say thankyou and bother to dress up).  It’s always fun seeing the kids who I work with, when they realise it’s me in fancy dress answering the door. (With the drawback that now they know where I live and I get the fear that I may end up with a burning wheelie bin shoved up against my front door in the future).

Next year any kid who doesn’t say thank you gets pushed down the feckin’ steps though. 

Scratty scrote teenagers needn’t be trying to flatter me either with their; “Ooh you look great tonight if I say so Mrs”.    Whatever!  Take a sweetie numbnuts and get the fuck off my steps!”

The joke was on them anyway.  By the time the teenagers remembered it was Halloween and drunk enough Frosty Jack to think that Trick or Treating was cool again, I’d run out of decent bullets and had resorted to getting rid of the Absinthe sweets and Vimto Skidaddles (remember those Gene Genie?) which have been kicking around my kitchen since July.

Before anyone reports me for giving out sweets laced with booze.  They were only Absinthe ‘flavoured’ and to be fair, it could have been worse.  Check out the treat these kids from Greater Manchester got when they went out last night.      trick-or-treat-kids-given-cocaine

Next year I’m going out Trick or Treating in Oldham!

Fright Night (Pt1)

Posted on

Annual Fright Night Disco last night. 

Am proper worn out today and slept like a log last night.  Not even any grog in the punch or anything, so not sure why I was so tired.  I didn’t really dance or knee slide across the floor (Thing 1 wouldn’t let me).  I just patrolled the Hall with an eye out (through my cat woman mask) for clandestine petting or inappropriate behaviour.  Didn’t see any. (The staff & parents were very well behaved this year!)  

Not sure that the mobile disco dude was aware that the flag he had draped infront of his decks represents Gay Pride.   Or maybe he did (although my money’s on ‘No’).

Just an average day at Casa Brew

The eye mask did nothing for my peripheral vision and natural astigmatism.  Several small children came acropper when they wandered beneath my line of sight and ended up knocked to the floor.  Now I know that sense of danger  my large-breasted pal feels when entering a room of small fry!  🙂

Break up today and Chester Y’s tomorrow, for some niece-squidging times. Xx