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Tag Archives: Hollyoaks

Nothing to wear!

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It’s already October 19th and I fear I have left it too late to do a decent Halloween costume for this year.

The Autumn/Twig fairy get-up at the school disco was for the benefit of the children (cross curricular dontchya know).  
     So after a lackadaisical approach to my usual favourite season now think I have bodged it and will just have to don the old pointy hat and trek the streets as a dull old witch.

I appreciate I am almost 42 years old and should have grown out this shit a long time ago but I doubt I ever will and am frankly not ashamed to admit it.  I’ll be dressing up long after the childerbeast have sacked it all off.

I’ve done, witches aplenty, half-dead cheerleaders, murdered prom queens, Elvira mistress of the dark, Cruella De Ville (complete with childerbeast dressed as dalmations), 1980’s zombie hockey players and Dia de los Meurtos sugar skulls. 

What to do next? 
    I am full of ideas but feel it’s too late now to cobble something together or make it myself.  I’m too fat to carry off a decent Corpse Bride or Morticia Addams and most of the women’s costumes online are too indecent to be seen out in the street in after dark surrounded by children I teach during the day!


I’m thinking:-

Tippi Hedren in The Birds (charity shop suit + plastic crows stitched to body)


I’m thinking:- Post explosion Ray Peterson from the Burbs, or… Edgar Frog from Lost Boys;  but both of these involve ‘manning up’ which isn’t my style (& also rely heavily on people knowing who I am and most people who would know, won’t be anywhere near me on Halloween, which somewhat defeats the object).


lost boys


I also thought of crazy Clare Devine of Hollyoaks, complete with red stilettos and head on back to front from being knocked down by bonkers Dr Browning but this again has a bit of a niche audience.


I’ve also considered some kind of post-zombie apocalypse Rita Fairclough (big red coiffure, Wetherfield Gazette under one arm, full-on undead make-up)

Hya Chuck

Hya Chuck

HELP!  Any ideas gratefully received.

I can see clearly now….. (pity)

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Not sure about the new specatecs (finally collected today). 
     Altogether far too much clarity for my liking.  Think I preferred the view when it was a bit blurrier and in need of a good clean.

Wish I’d asked for modifications. e.g. rose-tinted or with tiny windshield wipers for rainy weather or possibly mini roller-blinds for when enough was enough.  Or a tiny message scroll like on a bus, but instead of destinations I could wind it on to read things like FFS, WTF? or BFJ!





Hollyoaks spoiler alert.









… everyone dies.








… probably.




> and Jambo is back, and so is the bird who died from an ecstasy overdose after half a pill back in 1992 & Jimmy Corkhill from Brookie turns out to be Mercedes McQueen’s Dad.*


And like I’ve said before, it really isn’t THAT mental in Chester  – although with enough gin in me I could tell you a few tales…      but couldn’t we all!

.. there was this one time…

She did WHAT??

She did WHAT??

pictures courtesy of google images

Peter Driben – The Secret


* I made this part up for real.

Stings & Curls

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“If you have almost accidentally bedded your own Father & need to talk.  Please call our special incest helpline”

Hollyoaks?  Dudes!  What were you thinking?  I almost threw up in my own mouth a little there.  Just say No No No Stevo!    #firstlook

Swiftly moving on.  Nettle stings on back of calves finally stopped tingling after my encounter yesterday getting forced into a bush by a white van man (and not in a good way!)  Fucktard local redneck yokel not considering that a woman with 2 children walking down a public country route might have right of way over you and your massive van, just barely wide enough for the damn lane.  It wouldn’t have killed you to stop & back up so we could pass in safety.  No! Why not just make us back up into the hedge so I could get scratched to bits and nettled beyond belief protecting my children so you didn’t run over their toes. 

Bumlord wankshaft with shit for brains!

In better news.  Today, I washed my barnet and left it to dry naturally and seem to be sporting some kind of Alison Goldfrap number, which in fairness, could be worse. 

Say Ooh la la la la la

Say Ooh la la la la la

If only I had her voice to match.  Just need the pink playsuit (with built in gastric band of course) and some canine nurses & I’ll be set:



#AldiJobApp &

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Movie Quote of the Day:   “It takes more energy to keep quiet than it does to speak your mind.” – Day of the Dead

Name that Tune:  ” Why do I smile at people I’d much rather kick in the eye?” –  Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,  The Smiths

Nothing casts a black cloud over a perfectly fun day at the Farm better than an ‘Encounter of the Third Kind’ at the office door at 3:05pm (when I was trying to do something out of common courtesy aswell.)

What was I thinking?     I should have remembered where I lived!

Apologies to the exceptions...

Apologies to the exceptions…

Just a note: Do not start a war of words with me.  It will not be pretty and will ultimately end poorly for one of us.  Guess which one?


This encounter has totally pissed me off!


On the plus side – my workmates are all great and it’s Friday and I have wine.



If you haven’t got anything lined up for the weekend yet, might I recommend some televisual diazepam in the form of the Hollyoaks omnibus.  Here you can see yet another vacuous beauty get ‘offed’ at yet another wedding that ends in disaster!
If only for the classic
‘Tom Daly’ line from Mercedes the McQueen of all bitches, it’s worth tuning in.     

Failing that, I urge you to give  the ‘Sex on Wheels’ show from last night a go – now on 4OD .

Top cringeworthy moments included the lines “Why do you want to work in the porn industry?” / “Because I watch a lot of porn & like sex.” and “You can’t say dwarves now can you?  – Midgets then?”

I particularly liked the up for it girl with brittle bones who didn’t care whose bed she ended up in after the nightclub as long as she got a cooked breakfast in the morning.  Top priorities there babe.

Unfulfilling sexual liaison but a cracking brekkie!

Unfulfilling sexual liaison but a cracking brekkie!

Also, I defy you not to flinch when a man with a permanent spinal injury (who doesn’t care that he can’t walk, he just wants his erection back) has a go at restoring it with an appliance he buys from the Internet…. Yikes!
He’s also happy to share with the nation a heavily pixellated photo of his erect cock, in all its glory from before his accident, which he just happens to have kicking around… as you do…

Happy snapping chaps – just in case and all that!


Well, aint that a bitch!

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It’s rare that I ever actually physically applaud a TV show but tonight I did just that!

I hang my head in shame to admit though that it was not at some insightful, educational, hard-hitting documentary on BBC4 or similar.



It was the Hollyoaks first view on E4…



Final Destination shocker tactics come to Chester.

Oh yeah!


I won’t spoil it for the stalwarts who are waiting until tomorrow to see it or those of you who have no idea of what I am talking about.

Suffice to say, one word about covers it:-



Disclaimer:   If your wedding day has been marred by reckless driving and bad acting.  Please call our freephone helpline or visit

Honk if you recognise yourself!

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So I’ve got back into watching ‘Hollyoaks’ again even though I am 20 years older than everyone it, with the possible exception of ‘Jack Osborne’. 

It’s like a little dose of sedative at the end of the working day – don’t judge me!

I made comment at work about how fantastical the story lines were (not to be confused with fantastic, which is something entirely different)  and how I lived in Chester for many years and it was nothing like that in reality.

Not nearly as glamorous for a start.  No wall to wall eye-candy – everyone was pretty normal looking.  No insane stories played out for the public, no nutters, loons, players, wannabe gangsters and crazed bitches.  

I did recall a tale of a landlady who had some fingers allegedly chopped off by her jealous husband, but then I had a little think….

          “There was this one time….”

  • Some old dude did have the dismembered body of his dead wife in his freezer in the garage in the village next to ours.
  • They still haven’t arrested anyone for the murder of that ‘masseuse’ at Pinky’s in 1991.   massage-parlour-killer
  • No-one I know ever got dragged from their beds in their undies and their flats raided for drugs and contraband (ahem).
  • No 8-year old boys dealing from their Mother’s kitchen, with the ability to undersell to the unwary. (Oh hang on….)


  • No end of young dead boy-racers; young-uns biting the dust in bar brawls or leaving their pals half-dead by the canal.


  • Nobody ever burst into anyone’s flat with an axe or firebombed anyone’s car for reasons I forget now (or anything…)


  • No farmers shooting out the rear windows of theives’ getaway vehicles.


  • No crazy women hurling themselves into a football-rivalry-fuelled drunken mêlée to try and save friends and ending up saving Welsh rivals instead!


  • Nobody ever kept a written record of items shoplifted to order or recreational pharmaceuticals sold, including full names and addresses, thus attracting the full attention of the Chester PD Blue on those people for several months (because that would be really fucking stupid!)


  • There was that time a warehouse caught fire and burnt half the street down when all the roofs caught alight too.


Perhaps it wasn’t such a sedate little city after all in retrospect.

 Do enjoy my rogues gallery of classic Hollyoaks villians.  Personally I think they should bring back the dirty fireman (Ben) and Jambo from when it first started but I suspect they are dead (and not real) – killed off by one of the many serial killers that have stalked the ‘village’ over the years.

Serial killers prefer blondes

Killer Heels

crazy for crazy’s sake

best caricature ever

Couldn’t find a pic of psycho Rob who held loads of them captive in an old water tower after killing Kurt Benson with a jetski  and whom nobody seems to remember but me.

Happy viewing  Xx

[If you or anyone you know has been affected by any issues raised in this story, do call our helpline or visit our website at]

Sugar rushes & guilty crushes

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Just sat and watched several episodes of ”Hollyoaks’ and have to say that given all the debauchery and women getting roughed up from the rear up against bins down dark alleys, it certainly seemed true enough to me of a night out in Chester!      Ba-ba-ching!

I also watched Downton Abbey’ recorded from Sunday night and have shovelled about 4200 skittles into my fat face so it looks like I may be shitting a rainbow of fruit flavours tomorrow!


I used to love a bit of Brendan Coyle (Mr Bates from Downton) when he was on that other Sunday night old ladies TV staple – ‘Larkrise to Candleford’ as  Robert Timmins  but I’m just not getting the same vibe from Mr Bates.  He was a lot more of a rugged countryman; ready to slap you up against dry stone wall down a country dirty track kinda guy in Larkrise.   Mmmm 🙂

I think I ate too many skittles and have sugar rush delusions.