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Tag Archives: Leeds

Puzzles, Thrones & Going Out

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My rock and roll weekend consisted of finally firing up a jigsaw, sent to me at the start of my self-imposed house arrest, by a good friend.
It has been sat on the kitchen table for over a month.  

It didn’t take long to get into the zone once I started.  It was a ‘Carry On’ themed puzzle.  That bastion of British TV from the 60s & 70s, soon my brain was awash with thoughts like, “is this Hattie Jaques’ cheek?. **insert duck whistle or close-up of heaving cleavage here**

The cat is claiming it did the jigsaw alone. I helped.

Along with that, I had rediscovered Game of Thrones on Catch Up TV.  (You know you can’t just watch one episode). Pretty soon my restless mind was overloaded at bedtime with phrases and earworms like ‘House Baratheon’, ‘Unsullied’ & ‘You know nothing’ all interspersed with tiny images of dwarves and Sid James’ laughing face, stocking tops, Joan Simms bursting out of her nightie and Kenneth Williams doing that face that he did. Chuck the theme tune in on top of that and it has made for a few restless nights trying to get off to sleep. 

carry on girls

jon snow

 

sid james

Can’t help but think that if the Carry On team were still in their prime, that their take on GoT might be worth a watch.  The tits and booze are already a given.  I can just see Sid James and Bernard Breslaw dressed as whores for one reason or another in one of Littlefinger’s brothels.

I’d finished the jigsaw by Sunday night anyway and now have a new one to sit on the kitchen table until such time as I start it.  1970s sweets and chocolates this time – once again a gift from a very thoughtful friend.  

Tonight I am venturing out.  Not Out Out. But most definitely outside.  Into Leeds no less for a date with Micky Flanagan for some casual cunting and peep maintenance.  I am a bit nervous TBH.  It’s a huge venue and it means being in Leeds after tea and coming home on the last 508.

Wish me luck.

Ciao tutti Xx

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Another nail in the coffin of decent society

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Despite a Saturday where I floated aimlessly like a tumbleweed in the retail wasteland of Bradford city centre.  Pondering mournfully about how I had managed to (a) end up here at all (b) still be here & procreated in the process (c) done absolutely nothing useful with my life thus far (d) scared off every man I have ever had a relationship with by my general demeanour, propensity for melancholy & mannish features (f) emotionally scarred my own brother so much that he refuses to introduce his new girlfriend to me because (and I quote) “It’s too embarrassing”  – I did, as it goes, not have too bad a weekend.

🙂

I thought I was having some kind of aneurism on Saturday night when my head felt as though 1000 elastic bands were being wrapped around my brain from the inside of my skull.

Turns out I just needed a good nights sleep.  (Either that or the end is imminent and the aneurism is so far along now that I can’t feel a thing). 

🙂

Don’t think I offended or upset anyone at work today, which is always a bonus.
I then got home to the excitement of seeing that my new toy had arrived.  A beginners ukulele no less. Oh yes!

simple starter model

simple starter model

 

Joy turned to cries of “WTF?”  and “Holy shit why does everything I touch turn to crap?” when I removed it reverently from the box to find this…

 

a smidge too simple for my taste

a smidge too simple for my taste

You are not telling me that this instrument wasn’t already damaged before it got wrapped in bubble wrap and boxed up.  I’ve lost faith a little with the Post Office lately but really?  I think the blame with this lies in the hands of the supplier.

#FFS!  A replacement is on it’s way apparently.  Can’t wait to see what that looks like!

My iron decided to turn itself into a smoking gun on Sunday aswell while I was ironing Bman’s work shirt of course, which now has a beautiful brown collar.
So I’ve had to order another one.  After the last debacle barely a year ago when I bought a new iron, I dread to think how that will turn out.  Watch this space!

Customer Service is not what it used to be. If I was in UKIP I’d be blaming Gays or Asians for it but truth be told I think we are all to blame for being as crap as one another.

I’m telling you, standards began to slip with the ban on being able to tell kids off properly in school and when we stopped half day closing on Wednesdays.
Hats, stockings and ties that’s what we need to bring back – and for Christ’s sake stop going to the damn store in your PJs.

I’m going to have a gin and tonic now and raise a glass to that poor teacher who went to work after 40 years in the job and didn’t get home today.  A shocking Monday news story that touched me deeply because it’s local and not the kind of thing you expect in our line of work.  Another sign of the World we live in now and the one I am sometimes sorry I brought life into.  It’s come to something when teaching staff mentally (and in some places, literally) practice evacuation or lockdown drills for if some nutter decides to go Tonto. It’ll be Kevlar vests next.

😦

#badtimes

Courses & how LCC employ zombies to do the cleaning

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 Been on 2 courses this week.  Only one of which I found particularly useful and that’s because it will eventually provide me  with HLTA status.  Yay!

Pity it took 2 hours to get there via pubic (typo intended) transport.  Quicker in fact to get to Manchester City Centre from where I live.

My old nemesis and I, the 508 – the number of the beast – we met again at 0735 on Thursday morning and will do again for the next few Thursdays leading up to Christmas.   When that bad boy has finished with me, I get spat out onto the Headrow after a riveting 60 minute journey through every last nook and cranny between here and Kirskstall and then have to get on another bus!

Big Boo hiss to the Reception lady at the centre I was headed to, who advised me to get the bus outside the Corn Exchange when she should have said to catch it at the bus stop opposite the Corn Exchange!  10 valuable minutes wasted there!  Eventually got on the correct bus and had that sickening feeling in my belly that I was going to be late on my first day and that I had absolutely no fricking idea where I was going. 

Winding through unfamiliar places made me feel like back in the old Backpacker days in Australia and New Zealand, wandering free, new places, exciting times, (OK so it was a Leeds No. 13 to Gledhow, but it’s the closest I’ll get these days).

So I arrived fashionably late by 10 minutes, shuffling in at the back hoping nobody would notice. 

At breaktime I noticed that my biscuit tasted rather odd and when I checked my phone for messages I realised that my emergency tube of Volterol for my backpain, had leaked in my bag, all over my phone and I had some on my fingers.  At least neither my phone, fingers or tongue  will be in any pain for a day or two.  FFS.  Dumbarse!

Journey home was nackering and just as long as on the way there, but this time I had the added cacophony of sound accompanying me, of dozens of teenage school girls,  Jeebus! the noise they make!.  Even with the old C3PO on full whack I couldn’t drown them out.

 Proper tired when I got home.

The saving grace of today’s course was that I didn’t have to go on my own and that I was with my bezzy mate, who as you can see was well up for a bit of practical P.E.

Am not playing!

I’m jumping ahead of myself though.  This pic was taken after we finally arrived.  Nothing more terrifying than a bit of a jolly round scenic Wortley to liven you up of a morning.  Or is there? 

Pulled up to park the car at the wrong centre.  Decided to park there anyway and walk up the road as very little parking space available where we were headed.  Seemed like a good idea until two extras from Shaun of the Dead Vs League of Gentlemen, clad in tabards,  lurched across the carpark at us, brandishing feather dusters.   One had the loping gait of the undead and a face like Quasimodo’s Nan and the other had that white, dried, foam mouthed appearance of a rabid animal or someone who forgot to check the mirror after they brushed their teeth (my money’s on the former). 

I fended her off with my water bottle hoping that her hydrophobia would startle them both away.    The sole reason I don’t have photographic evidence of these pair was that I was backing away at the time and trying to make discreet eye signals to my pal that she unlock the car pronto and we get the fuck outta dodge!

I’m sure they are lovely ladies and someone’s Mum/Nan/sister, yadayadayada, but fuck me,  were they scary!!

Ay up love. D’you know where you’re going?

My free breakfast, when we finally got to the right place,  consisted of a burnt crumpet and a thimble of coffee, with no break before lunch, despite it saying there was one on the itinerary.  This was never going to end well.

We zoned out as soon as we heard that there was to be team games and salsa (and not the sort that comes with a bowl of Doritos).  We felt like clawing at the fire exits for escape but we were trapped!

They made us do stuff!  On a P.E. course – Who’d have thought it?  My mate’s face at almost everything that was said today was an absolute picture. A picture in fact that would mostly be captioned with the words “What the frigging fuck?!”

Arse Up!

Up Yours!

Fortunately there is no photographic evidence of me rolling around on the floor with a bunch of total strangers, many of whom were men; all in a line like pencils trying to get a hula hoop to roll across our prone bodies.  Holy jesus!  WTF?  I had some personal space issues with that exercise let me tell you.

When faced with discussing the key features of the course and should any further equipment be required, I did mutter something along the lines of “perhaps a dictionary”. 

Dictionary anyone?

Not the most constructive use of the day but worth it for the laughs.  A lot of which were when a certain person’s Salsa dancing all went a bit Gavlar and Smithy once the arms were introduced:

Crackin! (up)

It wasn’t long after this that my pal and I were split into different groups – funnily enough…

Then sod me! when we were finally paroled, armed with our well-earned resources (which if they don’t get used, are going to get shoved unceremoniously up someone’s jacksie) if Dolly Duster of the Undead didn’t lurch out of the Library on our way out!

She’d followed me!

I practically sprinted out to the carpark before she caught up with me!

I’ll be needing a drink this weekend you can be sure of it, starting right now I think.

🙂

Xx

I believe that this may all actually be a big fat lie

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I’m fully aware that in advertising, marketing companies like to big-up their product and do the hard sell, but is it just me that finds the following TV ad a tad too much to bear?

Long term readers may remember my many past posts regaling the life and high times of my journey into Leeds on the 508 (the number of the beast).   And I have to say that even through rose-tinted retrospect(acles) I have no memory of my commute being anything like this.

All aboard the Skylark!

My fellow passengers and I joining hands to skip gaily down The Headrow to hop aboard the already packed; dirt blackened windowed; piss stinking, miserable driver operated,  Halifax bus.

Like the mascara & moisturising cream adverts, I think there should be some kind of disclaimer at the foot of the ad.

E.G. “The occupants of these buses have been digitally enhanced in post-production

Or  “The passengers on this bus have been chemically enhanced with Methamphetemine and White Lightening”

Oy! First Bus – you’re fooling nobody!

 

Am off to Whitby for the weekend tomorrow with pals. and NO! IT BLOODY WELL ISN’T THE GOTH WEEKEND!

PS: and No!  I am not going on the bus…