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It’s ok to just be ok

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So.  I’ve had enough of trying to accommodate some people.  If people want to be my friend and be a good friend, then they know where I am. They know how to contact me.  I’m pretty much done with always being the one to make first contact.  People are busy I know. People have their own lives.  Sure. But it doesn’t take a moment to spare someone a thought and drop them a text, whatsapp or messenger or whatever.

With that in mind I know a couple of heads I need to reconnect with and I shall go old school and telephone them at the weekend.

Honest.

Meanwhile, I’ll go to school.  Teach my lessons as per my plans.  Change them as and when I need to.  I’ll mark, I’ll come home. I’ll go to bed. Sleep the sleep of the just – possibly unjustly. Or maybe I’ll lay awake pondering about life, the universe and everything. 

I’ll teach my swim classes on Thursdays and Fridays and hope nobody drowns and the parents don’t think I’m a complete fucktard.  If they rebook the classes then I’ll know I’m doing alright.  If they take their business elsewhere and I end up being asked to leave then I’ll know it’s not for me.

And that’s fine.  It’ll be what it’ll be.

Its-ok-not-to-be-perfect-quote

I’ll cook and clean and keep house and parent as best I can and that’s the way it will go week after week.

Every now and then I’ll do something different. Like on Saturday when I went to Chester and took my mum and sister out for afternoon tea for Mothers’ Day.

 


Nice.

Once in a while the planets will align and the gods and goddesses of all that is mysterious and magical will smile upon me and, after a pointless tiff with Bman,  he will apologise like this.

And that’s okay (although the spelling and grammar is NOT).
It’s okay to just be okay.

Xx

 

 

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A year in the life…

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One year ago today I flidded out at the end of one shite working day too many. I was driven home by my friend in tears after ranting at the school secretary.  I sobbed on Bman and then took to my bed.

I then didn’t go back to work for 3 months.

Some people cared enough to keep in touch and come visit me.  Some sent love tokens.  Some sent not particularly helpful but nonetheless thoughtful texts of encouragement.  Some people did bugger all. Couldn’t even be fagged to send a text.  Maybe they didn’t give a shit.  Maybe they were scared of what to say, because people are afraid of mental health issues.  

My family were fab.  The usually reticent, emotionally stunted, least empathetic man I call my husband, was surprisingly caring and patient.  He didn’t want me to return to work at all but I’m too used to earning my own money to rely just on him to pay the bills.

I don’t think I was really aware of how low, crap, sad, worthless, tired and unhappy I was  in my life (mostly, but not limited to, my work) until I stopped feeling like that.

I won’t lie.  I sometimes feel myself slipping again.  Particularly in my work. Especially lately.  I do often feel like my soul is being sucked from me.

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But I won’t let it beat me.

 

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People are a bit more open these days to hearing that you suffer from the Black Dog from time to time. Although of late it’s a lot more fashionable to have been touched up by a male co-worker or boss (Weinstein Effect) than to be a bit cuckoo.  I wonder what next year’s trend will be?  People will start coming forward to admit to secretly masturbating to Storage Wars or something. #Metoo (that’s not true BTW – I don’t!)

Don’t listen to me, I’m a bit mental remember.  (Just not quite at the juicy fruit stage yet!)


One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest


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Stay happy y’all.  Life is short.

Xx

Let’s go round again…

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Well it’s almost time to begin a new academic year.

It doesn’t seem that long since last September and the last academic year. But what a year it’s been.  Going in all cylinders blazing last September, ready to take on the system. Lead my new, (albeit smaller) but fabulous little team.  Ready to jump in at a moments notice to impart knowledge and wisdom with a smile and pocket full of amazing lesson plans.

Yeah. That lasted til Spring and then it all went west side.

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Patrick

Me, from March to June in my kitchen

 

Until recently when I no longer felt like that, I hadn’t really realised how low and off-kilter I actually felt.  Let’s not go there again if we can possibly help it.

My philosophy at this juncture can probably best be summed up by this meme:-

1g1u4s

Am I right?

🙂

There will always be plenty of people having a shittier day than you, which is crap (for them) but a silver lining on your own grey cloud. That’s as good as it’s probably going to get for most of us – and that’s okay.

So before I return to the coal face and my optimism and enthusiasm die a fiery death wane within weeks, I’d like to celebrate the great things that happened this year and the people who stopped me from totally losing my mind. The ones who sent me notes, hunted for spooks with me for fun; sent me memes, love tokens; not always helpful but somehow amusing texts; sent me jigsaws in the post. And thanks to my husband who, despite his usually unsympathetic nature and poor inference skills, managed to be kind, thoughtful and not get annoyed when I didn’t appear to have moved for hours.  Also my Childerbeast for not freaking out at their mother freaking out.

Naturally I have to summarise in pictorial form because , as my childerbeast told me recently, “Mum, you photograph everything”  Good job really. Then I can look back at images like these, on the days when everything seems pointless, and I’ll remember that it’s not.

In the words of my childerbeast…. “Blessed”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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So back to school tomorrow.  I am going in this year with no expectations. That way I can’t be disappointed or annoyed. I’ll go in. Do my thing. Hope for the best and then come home, sleep, then go back the next day and try again.

wentworth

Bring it on Booms!  We can do this.

 

And to end a perfect summer holiday of sun, treating myself to a new vacuum cleaner (small pleasures) visits with friends, festivalling, glitter and music – my parents dropped by today for an impromptu visit.

Good times.

😀

Life (today anyway) is good.  Not always. Not for everyone. But today, it’s alright for me & mine, & that’ll do.

Ciao MoFos

Xxxx

 

So what’s happening?

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So I deactivated Facebook before I went on holiday as an experiment. (the deactivation was the experiment, not the holiday)

It turns out that you do not need to know what your old 1980’s school pals are having for their lunch or what they did at the weekend.  You haven’t known for over 30 years and you survived and thrived perfectly well.

I have found it strangely liberating and a giant stride towards mental health equilibrium.

Speaking of… not sure E4 E-sting of a couple of cartoon heifers dancing about in front of a sign-post about ‘Mad Cows’ was deliberate or an awkward coincidence during Mental Health Awareness Week (and just before a message about mental health).

I am still signed off sick from work from being nutty as fruitcake ‘anxiety issues’ and for the first time in my life, since that one year in the 90’s when combat trousers and tight tops were all the rage courtesy of ‘All Saints’, I appear to actually be on trend.
It’s ok these days to be a bit barking apparently.  Even the Royal Family say it’s alright.

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Have begun to feel considerably less anxious and dippy about everything than I was before, but then I am at home most of the time so I have no cause to be anxious.  (I do also have a prescription which I avoided for a very long time, that’s probably helping more than I’d like to admit).  I tell you what though. Do not ever read the contra-indications on your meds.  YOU WILL DIE!  it doesn’t say that really. BUT YOU MIGHT DIE!  it pretty much did say that.  I forget whether it was as a result of taking the tablets at all or if you stopped taking them without telling your GP – either way, I decided to ignore that and just threw them in the bin (the contra-indication notes, not the pills).

So what else have I learned while I have been at home with my thumb up my arse?
    * My husband is nicer than I thought
    * Daytime TV is mostly shit
    * I have watched about 8600 hrs of various Most Haunted type shows
    * Most of them are exactly the same but I watch them anyway
    * Several of my friends actually don’t really give a shit that I’m off & why
    * I am ok with that
    * It’s ok to be ok with sometimes not being ok

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images courtesy of google images

Let’s start again, afresh next week…

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Mentally, I’ve had a fucker of a first week back! 

The black dog is lurking in the shadows, salivating. 

Leave me alone!

Leave me alone!

Beefing on senior management halfway through the week and blowing your nose on your sleeve in front of her, for a multitude of inane reasons (none of which on their own would bother a sane person), is probably not considered a professional or particularly healthy start to the New Year.

😦

Instead I shall focus on stories of human endurance and character building inner-strength for inspiration (whilst giving self a sharp slap to the face and telling self to get a bloody grip!)

Things could be a lot worse.

This music video never fails to bring a tear to my eye – in a happy way – and whilst I appreciate it’s not the real video of this dude’s accident or recovery, I should imagine it’s a fairly close re-enactment, and they are all his pals in the video (including, so it would seem, my cousin Neil if you look closely)  LOL

🙂