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Tag Archives: National Lampoon Christmas Vacation

Have you checked our shitters honey?

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It’s Chriiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaaas!

Well, actually, It’s Boxing Day evening now so TBH it’s pretty much all over now.  Everyone is still hopped up on booze and high cholesterol foodstuffs and my cupboard is crammed full of chocolates and crap, but yup. All over!

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Since I last wrote, I am now only 3 years away from being able to take out an Over-50s Funeral Care plan and my sister is now halfway to 80. She had a birthday party shizzle in Chester on Saturday to celebrate.  Her circle of friends was, as per, on top form. If, by top form, you mean shitfaced drunk on shots and cocktails whilst still beautiful and stylish.
Every time I meet up with her pals one of them ends up sitting on me or falling over. Saturday was no different. I had to employ Team Teach techniques to help maneuver two of them up the stairs at the same time to get a taxi.  Standard!

 

Good night though.  Great to see some old faces and have a bit of a jump around.  Felt a bit rough Sunday morning but nothing a brace of Ibruprofen, a can of coke and a lie down for half an hour didn’t sort out.  Sister had a great time too and that’s the main thing.

 

At one point I sat on the loo looking at this menu on the back of the door, chuckling that it had been amended – then wondering if it had actually been me who corrected it but I’d forgotten. It is totally what I would do.

😀

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It wasn’t me, but it could have been

Birthday tea the next day with the Fam and nothing says Happy Birthday like a giant golden anus/vajayjay balloon, which I hope my sister is going to release into the sky on New Year’s Eve.

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Then home in time for Christmas Eve where it all went a bit National Lampoon in our house.  Cat shit on the living room rug. Then I managed to almost electrocute myself with the stick blender whilst making chestnut and mushroom pate (that’ll teach me to be vegetarian) when it blew up in my hand.  Later on, I fell off a spinny chair whilst using it as a leg-up to put away some gift bags in the airing cupboard.  Mashed up my elbow a bit. Then last night, the cat jumped off the bedroom windowsill onto the portable TV and knocked over a glass of water onto Bman who was ill in bed FFS!

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Favourite gifts from Santa and friends included a good bottle of tequila, an inflatable Jesus, some Grinch slippers and an instruction booklet from the 1980’s to explain what to do in case of an imminent nuclear threat.  Because that’s how I roll and how Santa and friends know that I roll that way.

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‘walks on water’ – got to test that at the pool

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Duck and Cover y’all!

So while I go and build a lean-to under the stairs out of doors and pillows and stockpile bottled water and tinned peaches, I shall leave you to wallow in your own post-Christmas food and drink stupors until the New Year.  May your windows be emulsioned for safety and your families remain radiation-free. And above all else. when in doubt – praise sexy Jesus.

Ciao Ciao MoFos XX

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Prematurely Festive feelings

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Spent three hours yesterday getting to Liverpool by rail to visit the Irish/Scouse Brewer contingent for my nieces 1st birthday party.  Sodding train was running late and rammed to capacity.  The irony of some of the extended Fam getting to Liverpool quicker than we did yet, they live in Ireland was not lost on me.

FFS!

Was good to see everyone though.

Broke my non cake eating fast while I was there, with a Mr Kipling chocolate slice.

Wow!

Almost had a diabetic whitey!  It was way too sweet for me.  I didn’t like it.  I’d also broken my chocolate fast on Friday evening with 4 Quality Street and had to have about 3 shits!

Think I may have become intolerant.

😦

Today we felt uncharacteristically festive and decided to put up the tree after we’d watched ‘Santa Claus the Movie’ and ‘Scrooged’ by mistake.

So the house is decorated and I’ve had a mince pie and am currently nursing a cognac (first alcoholic drink since end of September).

It must be Christmas y’all.

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Die Hard

Twas the night before Christmas……

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Merry Christmas from The DHW in a festive message delivered by Randy Quaid:-

 

… and to all a Good Night!

Xx