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Things that make you go “whaaaaaaaat?”

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So it’s only Wednesday and already Luke (not to be confused with Matthew or Katy) Perry has died.  As has Prodigy legend, Keith ‘twisted firestarter’ Flint.

Whaaaaaaaaat! 

Forget the obligatory Firestarter clip of your man Keith smacking himself about the head in a sewer somewhere.  This clip is the only one you ever need to see. Stick with it. The Goose makes it.  Keef’s Camping Review

I have been feeling pretty rough this week.  We can invent ever more witchcraft-like phones and apps for just about anything, but we can’t yet cure a common coldI’ve been doing a fair bit of laying around under a duvet on the settee as a result of the ineffectiveness of the old lemsip.  One of the things I watched while prone in pjyamas and awaiting death with tissue paper stuck up my nose, was the Netflix documentary Abducted in plain sight’.  About a girl abducted, twice, as a child by the same man.
I urge you to watch it and I defy you not to say “WHAAAAAAAAAT?” at least once. No spoilers but I guarantee you will also feel like parent of the year.

As an antidote to the news stories of celebrity deaths and questionable parenting decisions, I was hopeful of a miracle local news story yesterday lunchtime when Look North promised a story on a cat who diagnosed its owner’s hidden cancer.

Eagerly I shushed Bman at the crucial moment, not wanting to miss a word of this incredible tale.  Did the cat mew at its owner, gently pawing a particular area of her body? Did it then click open the laptop with the cancer page of Web MD open in the browser?  Did the cat sport a white coat and stethoscope?

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Courtesy of google images

 

No!

The lady had suffered many a symptom, which she had chosen to ignore. Then the cat jumped on her lap as cats are wont to do, and it hurt her belly slightly so her hubby made her go to the GP.

Whaaaaaaaaaat?

This is news?  Cat sits on owner – SHOCKER!

Glad the lady is now ok and everything but fuck me what a lame story.

At least it made a change from another Brexit story.

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Courtesy of google images

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Anybody know what day it is?

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We’re in that holiday wasteland of betwixt Christmas and New Year. Lucky enough to not have to be in work but now trapped in the house pondering what to do/eat/drink/watch next. 

A bit like this in our house just now… it could go either way if I don’t get out of the house and away from the Fam soon.

JackN

We did all venture into Leeds yesterday, which was as unhealthy as it sounds.  Lunch at Taco Bell en famille then parted ways because, as I explained to the Bman, why the fuck would two teenage girls want to go round the shops with their Christmas money with their parents in tow?
I abandoned the queue for the changing rooms in Debenhams and decided to just buy the bloody dress regardless.  Then the fates intervened and the queue for the cash desk was also irritatingly slow – how long does it take to exchange one pair of jeans for another pair FFS? – so I abandoned the purchase altogether and we went home.

In the evening we decided to watch ‘Birdbox’ on Netflix.  I’d added it to my watch list long before all the hype on Twitter so thought we best get it seen before some cunt gave the all the spoilers away online.  I was warned by eldest offspring not to “do what you always do Mum” – which is to say, announce the plot twist/outcome just before the denouement. What can I say? It’s a witchy intuitive thing.  TBH I was too preoccupied with how amazing Sandra Bullock looks for 54 to blurt out any spoilers.

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Why yes… I believe I would…

Great film though.  Kids then watched ‘Bandersnatch’ – the ‘Black Mirror’ pick your path episode.  I took their word for it that it was decent.  I can’t be arsed farting about choosing cereals and plot choices. Was never into those pick your path stories as a kid either.

Today and over the next couple of days, I have a list of dumb jobs I need to do because they need doing and if I don’t have some kind of purpose, I may hurt someone.   The Childerbeast have already mocked me for writing up phone numbers for work in an address book.  Apparently, that’s ‘such a Mum thing to do’.   We’ve sorted our wardrobes out and Bman has been to do a drop-off at the local charity shop.  I’ve changed the shower curtain and vacpacked the Christmas jumpers/PJs/Slippers back up to go back in the loft until next year.  I have a stack of ironing to do and the rest of the festive food and drink to get rid of. Also, need to test the landline phone. It fell into my glass of Advocaat on Christmas morning (don’t judge me!) and sounded a bit quiet when we spoke to Bman’s mum.  Not used it since. Need to check to see if it’s totally fucked or not.

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Me

I expect that by the time I return to work on the 8th, I will be able to perform this trick.

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skills to aspire to

We are on high home invasion alert after a house was broken into yesterday only a few doors up from us – at tea time no less!
With tempers and tensions being heightened at Chez Brew, I think it would be unwise of any would-be burglar to give it a shot at our house. Not that we’ve anything worth stealing. They’d be more likely to leave stuff behind for us out of pity TBH.  Nonetheless I am fully prepared to protect my family and my property (if I’m not too fat full of booze and Christmas food to get up off my arse).

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Don’t make me come down there y’all!

For now, I’m watching ‘Escape to Victory’ and planning my own escape (but from holiday limbo ennui rather than a German prisoner of war camp).

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No no, one of us needs to go outside even if it’s just to the bin

The usual round of the year in pictures and memes will doubtless be posted on Monday (that’s NYE for those of you who have now lost all concept of days and time). That’s unless I’ve had a heart attack before then.  Every day I am convinced this is how I will die.  “must get healthier. Must get healthier!” (as she pours another drink and pops more Pringles).

Ciao Ciao Xx

 

Don’t know what to call this post so I shall just name it Dave. Everyone knows a Dave right?

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At the weekend the Childerbeast and I went to an open day at Leeds Music College. Just for a look around, so the girls could get an idea of what courses are out there and get a glimpse at what Uni might be like.  Obviously, we only saw the good stuff. The music rooms, the academic bits. Not the aftermath of Freshers Week or a ‘left to the last minute’ dissertation, a month’s worth of washing etc. 

Not that I would know anything about those things of course. Not having ever been to Uni because I’m too daft.  Closest I got was doing my HLTA at Leeds Trinity a few years ago and that wasn’t even on campus and it only took 10 weeks.  

Eldest child doesn’t want to go to college in Leeds of course. She wants to put some distance between her and her embarrassing parents. And why shouldn’t she?
Youngest says she does want to stay in Leeds and live at home, but give her a couple more years and I bet she’ll change her mind.

The best part of the day out for me was finally visiting a Vietnamese Street Food place on Leeds Market. It’s run by a couple I know from school, who now send their children to my swim classes.  Can highly recommend it. Check it out Banh & Mee it’s called.

The downside of the day out was that it served to make me feel like I’ve wasted my life. That I am too thick to ever have gone to Uni. That my children are about to leave me, yet it doesn’t seem two minutes since I was changing their (eco-friendly) nappies and blending veggies for their lunch.  My best bet now at accomplishing anything of any use is to make sure they do go to Uni and escape, even if it means I am left alone with Bman and just Netflix for company.  I came over all melancholy on the bus journey home, looking in through people’s windows wondering what their lives were like. Did they feel that their lives had been successful? Did they have enough money for Christmas? What if all of this was a total nothing? What if we were all like those people who live in the head of a dandelion seed or whatever it is in ‘Horton Hears a Who’?

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We’re on there somewhere

Or those tiny dudes who live in a locker at the train station on ‘Men in Black’ worshipping a watch

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All hail K!

I know that in the grand scheme of things everything is bollocks, but what if it actually really is utter, total meaningless bollocks and we’re all just plodding along on the head of a cosmic dandelion seed waiting for death and that everything we have ever done and will ever do, is completely pointless?

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Meanwhile, while people frequent food banks and girls miss school due to not being able to afford sanitary products, the skies this weekend are ablast with fireworks ‘celebrating’ the fact that over 400 years ago a bunch of dudes tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament.  Crikey, if we celebrated every time there had been a failed attempt at a terrorist attack at the heart of society, we’d be lighting fireworks 4 times a bloody week!

On that note, I’ll leave you so I can ponder how the hell I can afford to pay for Christmas – another celebration – this time of the birth of a man who may or may not have existed at all.

Don’t overthink things y’all. That shit will keep you up at night. I blame the thin veil at this time of year – don’t let the demons in man.

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Xx

Can I get a….. BOO!

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Currently trying to watch a supernatural thriller on Netflix called ‘Malevolent’.  I’m not getting the full force of the malevolence though due to Bman playing plinky plonky music on his PC in the kitchen while the children bicker over the washing up and the reflection of the kitchen strip light glares onto the TV screen.
From what I can gather so far, Celia Imrie of Acorn Antiques is going a bit Annie Wilkes/Sweeny Todd and I doubt it’s going to end well.

My recommendations on this Day of the Dead would be Andy Nyman’s ‘Ghost Stories’ (which I am currently selling on eBay) and ‘Hereditary’ which was weird as hell and had a decent few jump/horror moments which creeped us out pretty good last night.  The kids had to watch a couple of episodes of ‘The Big Bang Theory’ before they would venture upstairs.

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Alan Lickman is getting on board with the Halloween/Dia de los Meurtos time of the year by trying to creep us out. He’s taken to staring at nothing down the side of the washer. So we reckon he can either:-

a)  See a tiny demon down there like the one from Stephen King’s Cat’s Eyes & will kill it before it sucks out our breath in the night (then he’ll do it instead – spoiler alert).

or

b) He senses the air from the hole at the back where the pipe goes outside & is planning to tunnel out somehow.

He is busting to go outside but we daren’t let him out yet in case he gets his jaw stud gets caught on a fence or something and ends up dangling from his chin! That’d be more expense to add to the accruing amount he is now costing us while I watch next year’s holiday slip from my grasp!

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Ciao Ciao Xx

Not that manic a Monday

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It’s a tough life not working Mondays anymore.  Sunday night I stayed up late watching episodes of ‘The Haunting of Hill House’ on Netflix, then slept on the sofa as I was too disturbed to go upstairs in the dark.  I stayed where I was with a blanket for protection against invading spectral entities, ensuring none of my body parts was exposed to the air.


This morning I have mostly been planning this weeks swim lessons, texting parents about swim hats and getting sucked into watching clips of Bob Mortimer’s tall tales and unbelievable truths on
‘Would I lie to You?’ after seeing a clip on Twitter about him breaking an egg into his bath after advice from Chris Rea (as you do).

With encouragement from Bman I then had a go at breaking an apple in half with my bare hands.  With my jar & bottle opening skills, I thought it might be a given.  However, sadly not. I only succeeded in breaking a chunk off and spraying mushed apple bits and juice all over the living room rug.  Perhaps I need more practice or a bigger apple.

🙂

I also perhaps need to think about working more hours or taking up an active hobby.  

My current project is trying to prove that our technology is listening to us.  So me and the Childerbeast are seeing how soon we start to see adverts pop up on Spotify, eBay or FB for anything to do with badminton if we keep mentioning the word in general conversation.

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I’ll let you know how that pans out.

🙂

Ciao Ciao Xx