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Tag Archives: New Year

Trying to dodge old age with the Artful Dodger

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Movie Quote of the Day:  “SHUT UP and drink your gin!” – Oliver

Starting the New Year with an old classic.

‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’. 

50 years old apparently. Wow!

I particularly liked the way the unPC parts weren’t edited out, like how they cut the line “penis breath” from ET the other day.  There’s an entire scene about how women shouldn’t drive cars and the brilliantly outdated line from Grandad Potts about “scaring away the FuzzieWuzzies”. Fuck me you get into trouble these days for assuming a person’s gender!  So I won’t lie, despite its incorrectness, it was most refreshing to hear. Not because I’m racist in any way, just because I’m a bit fed up of everyone being such a flannel.

And this dude is still one of the most terrifying characters in films, even to this day

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“Lollipops, lollipops”

Next up, ‘Oliver’.  That good old family feel-good film about children for sale, burglars, hookers and pickpocketing youths living with an old man. Featuring Leonard Rossiter no less. Wonder if he had a wank in his trailer thinking about any of the young cast members while making this one?  (allegedly).  “Ooer Miss Jones”.

😀

Natch I will be singing along while I have a blast on my step and sit-up machine and do a bit of facial yoga in a vain attempt to stave off the gooseneck, the spare tyre and the imminent menopause.

So bring on 2019. What a time to be alive. Brexit (FFS! – what could go wrong there?).  The last season of ‘Game of Thrones’. ‘Stranger Things’ season 3 in July. More episodes of ‘Inside No.9’ and tonight – the return of ‘Luther’.

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Why hello Idris… welcome back

Take pleasure in the small things people and don’t waste your life being a miserable bastard. Take it from one who has spent a chunk of their life being maudlin.

Ciao Ciao Xx

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Anybody know what day it is?

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We’re in that holiday wasteland of betwixt Christmas and New Year. Lucky enough to not have to be in work but now trapped in the house pondering what to do/eat/drink/watch next. 

A bit like this in our house just now… it could go either way if I don’t get out of the house and away from the Fam soon.

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We did all venture into Leeds yesterday, which was as unhealthy as it sounds.  Lunch at Taco Bell en famille then parted ways because, as I explained to the Bman, why the fuck would two teenage girls want to go round the shops with their Christmas money with their parents in tow?
I abandoned the queue for the changing rooms in Debenhams and decided to just buy the bloody dress regardless.  Then the fates intervened and the queue for the cash desk was also irritatingly slow – how long does it take to exchange one pair of jeans for another pair FFS? – so I abandoned the purchase altogether and we went home.

In the evening we decided to watch ‘Birdbox’ on Netflix.  I’d added it to my watch list long before all the hype on Twitter so thought we best get it seen before some cunt gave the all the spoilers away online.  I was warned by eldest offspring not to “do what you always do Mum” – which is to say, announce the plot twist/outcome just before the denouement. What can I say? It’s a witchy intuitive thing.  TBH I was too preoccupied with how amazing Sandra Bullock looks for 54 to blurt out any spoilers.

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Why yes… I believe I would…

Great film though.  Kids then watched ‘Bandersnatch’ – the ‘Black Mirror’ pick your path episode.  I took their word for it that it was decent.  I can’t be arsed farting about choosing cereals and plot choices. Was never into those pick your path stories as a kid either.

Today and over the next couple of days, I have a list of dumb jobs I need to do because they need doing and if I don’t have some kind of purpose, I may hurt someone.   The Childerbeast have already mocked me for writing up phone numbers for work in an address book.  Apparently, that’s ‘such a Mum thing to do’.   We’ve sorted our wardrobes out and Bman has been to do a drop-off at the local charity shop.  I’ve changed the shower curtain and vacpacked the Christmas jumpers/PJs/Slippers back up to go back in the loft until next year.  I have a stack of ironing to do and the rest of the festive food and drink to get rid of. Also, need to test the landline phone. It fell into my glass of Advocaat on Christmas morning (don’t judge me!) and sounded a bit quiet when we spoke to Bman’s mum.  Not used it since. Need to check to see if it’s totally fucked or not.

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Me

I expect that by the time I return to work on the 8th, I will be able to perform this trick.

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skills to aspire to

We are on high home invasion alert after a house was broken into yesterday only a few doors up from us – at tea time no less!
With tempers and tensions being heightened at Chez Brew, I think it would be unwise of any would-be burglar to give it a shot at our house. Not that we’ve anything worth stealing. They’d be more likely to leave stuff behind for us out of pity TBH.  Nonetheless I am fully prepared to protect my family and my property (if I’m not too fat full of booze and Christmas food to get up off my arse).

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Don’t make me come down there y’all!

For now, I’m watching ‘Escape to Victory’ and planning my own escape (but from holiday limbo ennui rather than a German prisoner of war camp).

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No no, one of us needs to go outside even if it’s just to the bin

The usual round of the year in pictures and memes will doubtless be posted on Monday (that’s NYE for those of you who have now lost all concept of days and time). That’s unless I’ve had a heart attack before then.  Every day I am convinced this is how I will die.  “must get healthier. Must get healthier!” (as she pours another drink and pops more Pringles).

Ciao Ciao Xx

 

New Year & the Queen is (not yet) dead

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So we’re a day into 2017 and it seems to be much the same old, same old. Multiple fatalities in shoot-ups and fires abroad. A 12-year-old killed on NYE in a hit & run in Oldham. (Shame on you driver. Turn yourself in and face your responsibilities).  Was fairly quiet round here.  I fell asleep watching a movie in bed with eldest child while Bman (who’d got a flyer from work so was home early) did his DJ bit downstairs.  I woke up after an hour and we all saw in the stroke of midnight together on the couch.   The TV offering was, as per, utter shite.  Robbie Williams and an indecent amount of money spent on fireworks, which could have been spent on the homeless. Or Jools Holland & whoever was still left alive to appear on the show  (I bet he had about 3 back-up lists).

I didn’t stay up much later than that.

I think, this year, I might put 50p in a jar every time I hear Bman talk (or sing) about having a shit! I reckon I could have enough for a holiday by March.  This morning’s rendition was something about “Though I walk through the valley of death, I shall shit no evil”. 

I bet you do though love.

Hell if I saved 50p everytime he took a shit aswell, I could retire by June.  The man needs specialist medical help or an industrial strength colonic or something.

Nurse!  The screens and a large wheelie bin please!

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Weighed myself this morning to see how much timber I’ve put on since we broke up. Only 1kg! So am all good to shovel a few more Quality Street today while we watch a family movie together – namely ‘Suicide Squad’. (Gone are the days of the likes of ‘Elmo saves Christmas’ or ‘Ice Age’).

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 *Festive family viewing

 

Have managed to arrange half a Crap Posse visit in February up to Farndale (with emergency liver transplant required for the next week no doubt).  

 Trying to sort Brighton but may need to just invite self, as cunty friend is unsociable and reclusive (or possibly is just avoiding me because I am annoying).
  Also n
eed a Scarborough visit too.  Sea air and appeasing the MiL & all that, although am sure that a fortnight with her in Florida in April should top up her piggy bank of grandchild time for the entire year!  

Have floated suggestion to Bman of implementing some kind of Date Night. He looked alarmed & lacking in enthusiasm but I’m working on it.  Am also working on tuning out the white noise of negativity & criticism this year. “La La La **fingers in ears** I cannot hear you. Your words will not dull my sparkle in 2017″.

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Got an appointment with dermatologist soon to have some moles checked out. Sure it will be fine but heads up that if it turns out to be terminal, shit’s gonna get real in 2017 because I won’t go quietly. I may take some of you down with me.  I’ll keep you informed y’all.

Ciao Tutti! Xx

*I quite enjoyed it actually

High 5 yourself if you’re still alive after 2016

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So it’s the final day of the year 2016 and time for my annual review.

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Essentially, in the words often used in our house, when we were kids, when providing a synopsis of a film plot – “Everybody died”.  The day is still young so there is still time for Death to pull more names from his hat of finality.  This year has seen him taking rather too many for my liking.  For now though at least, I am still here and so are my nearest and dearest, which is what matters.

Despite the celebrity death toll, 2016 hasn’t been completely unfortunate for me.  I  have survived a cull of a different kind at work (for now at least), which saw other friends sadly fall by the wayside. My role has changed. It’s busier and often more stressful but do you know what? I still have a job and in these harsh times, I am grateful for that.

We have a new Prime Minister. Brexit happened – sort of – not yet – who knows when that shit will get sorted out!  There’s a new & controversial President of the USA. We lost British Homes Stores and it looks as though we lost Bea Smith on Wentworth too.

😦

Socially I have reconnected with old friends not seen for many years, and that has been a highlight for me and reassuring to know that after all these years, they are still cheeky, lovable cunts. I may not have a massive circle of friends and I may not go out all that often, but I love the friends I do have.  I have even been asked to perform 2 marriage ceremonies for 2 different friends in 2017!

:-D

I have spent quality time with my girlies. My youngest is now in High School.  We’ve done a festival with my sibs.  I finally visited Brighton after threatening it for years. Had a great family holiday to Tenerife.  I have a new niece in Liverpool.  Bman and I have managed another year of not killing one another. We have a new kitchen (and another cat to shit in it). 

What’s next for 2017?  

     Investigating a haunted house next week.  Hooking up with old friends again in Bishop’s Stortford in March. A family holiday to Florida in April. A mum & girlies week in Tenerife at the end of July.  A return to Shambala festival in August and two weddings to officiate.  Also hoping to do Brighton Pt2 – The Return of the killer hangover, and get to see the lovely ‘Crap Possee Official’ at some stage, because it’s been far too long.  Looking forward to a Cards Against Humanity rematch including Bman, my brother & his girlfriend.  If only to see if we can possibly top my bro-in-law whispering the words, “erm, it’s dick cheese Paul” to my dad.

Priceless.

What could go wrong?

So, to summarize, in traditional picture form:-

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Essentially how I have felt all year!

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Baby Alan Lickman

 

 

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Big fat Alan Lickman – in festive attire

 

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Remember to trust your cunt in 2017!

 

 

Stay alive y’all. Be happy. Don’t take any shit. Brush your teeth. Try not to be too much of an asshole and remember that a little bit of what you fancy does you good.

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Gonna start a resolution from my bed

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So now it’s 2014 and so far it doesn’t look or feel that much different from 2013.
I have decided against setting myself any unrealistic resolutions and instead thought it wise to aim low.  Something along the lines of
‘This Year I aim to loll around more’, or ‘In 2014 I will try and remain in the same state of stasis as the past 8 years’.  This way there’s every chance that for the first time ever, I may succeed in keeping a resolution.

Did everybody have a good New Year celebration anyway?  I received a grand total of 4 New Year text messages and 1 voicemail, which turned out to be from Bman when he got home from work, which said, “What the?  Oh Fuck you… fucking.. what the…?” swearing at me because he realised whilst he was calling me that my phone was on the bedside table.  (I was round at a friends down the road with the childerbeast).
He came round to join us and it was all very sociable until the dreaded booze kicked in!  We left before a full-on domestic ensued and promptly all slept in on New Year’s Day until lunchtime.  Nice.

🙂

I then spent the last long weekend of the holidays in Chester cooing over my newest niece and being highly entertained by my eldest niece, who is at that lovely age of repeating everything she hears regardless of appropriateness.  Note to self: watch what you say within earshot.

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Started to feel lousy on Friday evening – a possible reaction to the thought of returning to work on Monday.  Thought I was going to have to blob on my friend’s 40th birthday night out.  Managed to drag self out in the end and eventually enjoyed it and was glad I went.  Always great to see old friends, especially when you realise quite how long it is since you have seen them.  Conversation essentially turned into a mass  offspring photo-viewing session on people’s phones and laughing about the dim and distant past; nights out and camping trips etc.

Went back to work yesterday and I all I have to say on that matter is:- It’s my job. I chose to do it.  Made my bed now have to lie in it, blah di blah di blah.  Too old to do anything else now; should have got a real job but I’ve no skills worthy of note so I’d best “make do with a bad a job” as my Nan used to say…

~~~

Meanwhile, in the land of escapism known as Television, who could ask for more on a Monday night than ‘Benefits Street’ and ‘Secrets of the Living Dolls’?    That, however is a blog entry for another day – thank you Channel 4 for handing me such golden writing material on a platter.

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Let’s do this all again next year, only funner (it’s a word!)

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So it’s the last day of the year and time for my traditional annual round-up of all the fun and exciting things I have done over the past 12 months. So here goes:-

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cue the tumbleweed

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Haunted château in France.  Wardrobe and cupboard doors opening on their own & shit!  The weather was great, pool was great.  Lovely to be away for a week with the Fam.

Spooky

Spooky

and I got a new niece for Christmas.

🙂

Done!

Happy New Year!

  That was basically it my friends.  No festivals, no other holidays of note other than visiting Harry Potter Studios in February, which was brill because I rode a broom and remortgaged my house to buy jellybeans and a pen in the gift shop.

Nothing else leaps to mind as worthy of mention to be honest.

Hogwarts

Hogwarts

~~~

Bman asked this morning if my new year resolution was to carry on being just as rubbish…
…why change the habit of a lifetime I say.  No doubt in a years time I will still be sat in this same office chair, in this same room, at this same rickety old PC with the same duffed up old sofa downstairs and the same 1980’s big-back TV in the lounge and my kids will have developed hunchbacks from overuse of the iPad and my husband will still think I am rubbish and I will have done nothing to prove him otherwise.

At least I’ll have Wilson.

If you don’t receive a Happy New Year text or voicemail later it’s probably because I didn’t send one, either because I couldn’t be arsed;  I’ve lost your number or I’ve seen my arse because you forgot my birthday or didn’t send me a Happy Christmas text.
In the meantime, I shall express some New Year sentiment via the medium of e-cards stolen from the Internet, which appealed to my sense of humour.

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