I didn’t end up joining in with the shed rave on Friday. I took to my bed at 3pm to sleep, got up when Bman had made tea, looked at it (chips and beans) and immediately felt ill and retreated back to bed where I remained for the rest of the night.
Since then I have indeed been on (I pinched this phrase) ‘an emotional coronacoaster’. Up one moment – dancing around in the shed amongst the lasers. Down the next – taking to the sanctuary of my duvet. Then on the non-descript flat part of this crazy ride, where you catch your breath and try to take stock before the next super-fast high or belly churning drop.
“we’re all in the same boat” is a phrase I keep hearing. In fact, I have used it myself, early doors in this situation. We’re not though, are we? I saw something on Fb that said we are all in the same storm. That is a much better turn of phrase. Same shitstorm different boats. Some people are cruising (literally in some cases, trapped aboard floating germ boxes on the high seas). Some are on fancy yachts like a Duran Duran video from the 1980s. I, however, feel a bit like we are in a 2 man inflatable kayak (that I wouldn’t let Bman buy from Aldi last year). Except there are 4 of us and it’s starting to deflate.
Yet I appreciate that some people are worse off still. Smaller boats. Or on a door like Rose & Jack in Titanic. Or spiderman armbands, or no flotation devices whatsoever. Yes. We are most definitely all NOT in the same boat. Some are paddling a bit more manically while others punt along leisurely, in fact, why not have a fucking party in your garden and get pissed like this is one big jolly boys holiday.
I have to say I feel a bit like the last 6 months have been like that scene in ‘Clash of the Titans’where the gods are playing with Perseus, setting him up for his life.
Except in this version they are playing a messed up game of Exploding Kittens (if you know, you know):- probably on bloody Zoom as well. “Aphrodite, we can see you but can’t hear you. Press the button. No the other button!”.
“I have 2 cattermelon cards – Right, let’s suspend this asshole from his job”
“I have a Taco Cat” – let’s see how long he can keep that shit from his missus
“But I have a Diffuse card – I’ll make sure he has been on full pay while suspended”
“Ahah, I have a Nope card – we’ll get him sacked just before Christmas”
“Another Diffuse card – let’s have his wonderful friends raise some cash for him online”
“Boom. Hairy Potato Cat card – we’ll reduce him to his lowest ebb in years”
“Nope card – back at you – let’s give him a job with an airline”
“Nice move. Let’s all go have a brew and a sandwich before we resume play”
“Shuffle cards – all pick a new card”
“Boom! Attack card – I see your return to normality and raise you a global pandemic”
“Fuck me Zeus you are such a cunt! Anyway, I have a full hand of Rainbow Ralphing Cats so I will have the lovely new Chancellor sort out monetary respite for all – happy days.”
“Double Attack, let’s give this lad’s mother a stroke and kill off his uncle with cancer in the same week”
“WTF is wrong with you Zeus?”
“Diffuse – it’s not much but let them play the ‘at least we all have our health’ card in an attempt to find a positive.
“Exploding Kitten Motherfucker! That financial help shit – yeah well it’s not actually for everybody. Especially not them. He hasn’t worked at the new job long enough to qualify and let’s chuck in a rejection for eligibility for the self-employment grant that she thought she was going to get and see how they deal with that”
“We’re not playing anymore Zeus – you’re an asshole. Fuck you man, we’re playing Bananagrams instead”
“They’re fine look, she’s all togged up in the garden her wedding dress.”
“You know that that behaviour isn’t normal right?
“It’s fine. Everything is fine”
“Fuck off Zeus – you’re a dick!”
Meanwhile, Bman has travelled to Hull today for his uncle’s funeral. I have asked him to try and not say the word Eulogy as he kept getting it wrong. This morning he said “Yule log” “Hippodrome” and “Epidural” I have suggested that if he does need to use the word at all, he should say “Speech” instead just be on the safe side.
I on the other hand am watching ancient episodes of Eastenders where everyone is slimmer and still has hair. I’ve been uploading the CV I knocked together at 3am this morning to various job search websites. Looking for work I am unqualified to do in workplaces that are closed or have furloughing staff because you know? You can’t go to work unless you can go to work, in which case you should to to work, unless of course you can’t.
FML and try to keep smiling.
Stay safe. Wash your hands. Clap for carers. We’re all in this together etc etc blah blah blah.