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This is a local post for local people

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I appear to be having some kind of midlife crikey lately where, despite looking my age, I actually seem to be mentally regressing.  19 on the inside.  69 (dude!!) on the outside. And it’s panicking me a bit. I’ll be buying rollerboots next and trying to get off with 26 year olds.

Look at those crinkly eyes!  Those pores!
I think I might have peaked at 34.  Although am strangely happier with my body now at 47 than I ever have before. Pity no bugger wants to see it though.

😀

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WTF is happening here? Laughing too much & gozzy-eyed squinting have taken their toll

 

To distract myself from inevitable decrepitude and the fact that it’s only going to get worse if I turn into one of those botoxed. boob-lifted, peroxide Patsy Stone types, I chose today to check out a local meeting (for local people).

Patsy

I don’t want to get old. I’m still only mentally about 20

I follow our local area’s FB group page to see what’s what in the hood – who’s been robbed lately or had their knickers stolen off the line – that type of thing.  It’s recently gone a bit westside and has been more entertaining than the Brexit saga, all because someone has erected a chain across a snicket/ginnel/alley/twitchell/call it what you will, in order to deter rogue quad bike riders and teenage drug dealers.  This has caused outrage and much chuntering on FB. I have been following the saga on the community page with a mix of neighbourly interest, amusement, and frustration at some of the questionable spelling.

With nothing better to do with my Monday other than bemoan my encroaching slide into the domain of the desperate old woman, I decided to wander down to the local meeting for local people, which had been arranged by our local councillor and to be held, oddly, at the site of the disputed chain. I was there in a people-watching capacity only, as I couldn’t give a shit if someone has the right or not to try to stop people riding dirt bikes and quads down their back alley or dealing drugs next to their back yard.  I was more interested in who else rocked up and whether the people who had been so vocal online were there in person.

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What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here!

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I’d wanted to arrive on a quad, through the disputed public right of way, whilst smoking a massive spliff, just out of badness and because I’m a piss-taking, trouble causing cunt, but couldn’t obtain the necessaries at such short notice, so I just walked round instead.

There were no pitchforks or flaming torches but it was fairly depressing.  Despite the local councillor and the dude from the council who deals with public rights of way disputes and such, reminding the small crowd to listen and not argue over the top of one another, that is of course, what happened.  Everyone had an opinion. It was the usual Top Trumps local edition of who has lived around here the longest like that’s a badge of honour rather than a poor life choice or a rut you are now stuck in.
The poor woman who was responsible for the drama spoke up to explain herself and I couldn’t tell you half of what she said because guess what? people were talking over her to each other and not listening.  Too busy chuntering and grumbling about losing their short cut.

I was asked twice whether or not I even lived on the street. I said no I didn’t, I lived around the corner and was there purely in the interest of sociology and psychology and that thus far I had not been disappointed. I did speak up when a couple of people were a bit mean after the lady had gone back inside her house.  But of course they were – people are mean – it’s human nature, unfortunately.

😦

Several people had even arrived in vehicles, which led me to think about how local they actually were if it had warranted a drive but that…like the chain fence, is none of my business.

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Meanwhile, the Bman is back from his weekender in Manc (which was initially only an evening), so I no longer have the bed to myself.  If he snores I may have to adopt this approach. We’ve tried everything else.  Snore pillows, nasal strips, mouth guards, punching him in the ribs.

It could be a win-win situation for me.

🙂

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Someone tell me what to do

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If anyone could sort me out with winning lotto numbers so I can stay home watching ‘Bondi Rescue’ and ‘There’s a ghost up my arse’ or whatever, while doing my step machine and occasionally ironing, then that’d be great.

🙂

I’ve been researching other potential career prospects.  So far this is my list:-

*Continue being a HLTA.
*More swim teaching (skin & hair getting buggered up).
*Retraining as a Retained Reflexes Therapist.
*Setting up own ghost hunting company (market pretty saturated right now though).
*Hiring self out as Humanist celebrant (clashes somewhat with supernatural beliefs.
and also costs a stupid amount of money to ‘train’ to write ceremonies).
*1:1 TA work for SEN pupils.
*Write bestselling novel & sell the movie rights – relocate to LA.
*Setting up mobile beer van with pal “Oldies with Coldies” & doing the festy circuit.

My list of credentials is a sorry state of oddities indeed:-

*8 GCSEs.
*2 A levels.
*Some Secretarial qualification I forget the name of that included a proficiency.
certificate in the art of ‘WordStar4’ (a long defunct word processing program).
*NVQs in Childcare Learning & Development and Support Teaching & Learning.
*Higher Level Teaching Assistant status.
*ASA Swimming National Curriculum Training Program Levels 1&2.
*STA Award in Swim Teaching.
*STA Pool Safety Award.
*Diploma in Parapsychology (I shit you not).
*Diploma in Demonology (fact. It’s true – bring it on Beelzebub).
*Am also an ordained Humanist Celebrant (god bless the Internet).

I must be able to do something different with that lot – surely Shirley? Or a mish-mash of it all – a bit like I am now, but with more structure & less hours.
The thought of being self-employed scares me though. What about holidays? Tax? Sick pay? But I don’t want to work for some big corporate gig either.  

Help.

I do need a change though. I need to do something exciting. Am starting to feel a little stagnant – like an old pond.

😀

Maybe I need to invent some kind of anti-snoring device (before I throttle Bman with the cord of my MP3 headphones, because seriously? I can still hear you man). 

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All because the lady loves… her earplugs

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Decent evening last night at the party. I was very sensible & didn’t indulge too much.  Far too entertaining watching others partake of Jaegerbombs,  limoncello, vodka & Ribena & sambuca.

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I’m giving blood later today & didn’t want to turn up swathed in alcohol fumes with a stinking hangover.

Did have some interesting conversations about people’s supernatural experiences, which was most interesting.

Am presently sofa-loafing in my undies watching The Returned. Forced from my own bed yet again by a snoring Bman (despite having earplugs stuffed so far into my ears I could practically taste them!)

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Milk Tray are reintroducing the iconic Milk Tray man & hosting a contest to search for him.  I know someone who needn’t bother applying!  

I’d like my Milk Tray delivered by Channing Tatum & Theo James while Gleb from Strictly Come Dancing does a cheeky salsa number at the end of the bed.

Schwiiing!

Xx

 

That was the week that was (bit crap really despite the weather being sunny)

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This time last week we were still at the Alton Towers resort. 

It hasn’t been open since Tuesday. 

What’s that phrase?  ‘There but for the grace of god go I’.  After raving about The Smiler & my eldest buying herself a Smiler T-Shirt & Bag, that particular ride looks set to not reopen for some time!  I do hope whatever problem caused the accident gets sorted soon and I hope they don’t scrap it completely.  It is awesome!  Feel bad for those most seriously injured though.  Fun day out turned utterly rotten and all that.

😦

I was only thinking last weekend how in younger days I would have had butterflies and been a bag of nerves about going on big rides.  As I flew round on the Big Six and didn’t hold on as we plummeted down the Oblivion, I felt no fear, not even any real excitement. It was fun, don’t get me wrong.  I just seemed to have lost the ability to really FEEL. When did that happen?
I don’t think I can really remember the last time I got really excited or thrilled about anything. Like you did as a kid when you felt it in your belly and your chest. I’m just a shell of a woman these days drifting through life in a daze.

Seemingly though, I am ‘awful’ and have ‘no maternal instincts’ if the Facebook comments of the natives are to be believed. 

Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. 
    I did spend a few hours questioning my mothering skills and admitting that I had done and said awful things in my time. Then I thought about all the good things I have done and said, which far outweighed the bad and decided not to beat myself up anymore.  Why care about what someone who means nothing to you thinks of you?  No point.

This week Bman has been at his mother’s, doing odd jobs and clearing out her cellar.  He’s due back shortly.  No doubt  with a hunchback from stooping and a rant or two up his sleeve about his week.

Had the bed all to myself all week. Will have to share it again now with a snory man.

😀

 

 

 

Is it bedtime again yet?

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I’m on the computer blogging at 06:55am!

I’ve been awake since 0500hrs!

It’s not even Christmas Day, I’m not breastfeeding a newborn; I haven’t wet the bed; my children aren’t sick and I’m not setting off to the airport on holiday. WTF?

I’ll tell you WTF! I stayed up last night watching an episode of ‘Desperate Houseflies’ I’d recorded on Sunday (how DO those women of Wisteria Lane still look so good at their age? S’no fair!). I then headed up to bed and found Bman splayed out in the middle of the bed looking mighty comfortable but snoring like my Grandad. He’s been suffering with his neck lately (to add to the list of other crippling age 40+ ailments he applies ointments and unguents to on a daily basis). So I decided to leave him to it and headed back downstairs to the sanctuary of the couch.

All was good, but he’s on early shifts, so when he got up I figured I might as well have a coffee and start the day. Heads up to my sister who will be on the early morning train for the forseeable once my niece (Renesmee GaGa) makes an appearance (due April 13th). THERE IS NOTHING ON TV AT THIS TIME! Shopping channels and the News only. ‘Countdown’ is on at 05:35 but it was a bit early for me to focus on vowels and consonants if I’m honest. I did however solve the second numbers game in under 30 seconds when the panelists didn’t! Yay! I have been listening in Y6 Maths class.

I’m really tired now though and the childerbeast have yet to awaken and start telling me that they’re:- bored/hungry/tired/have nothing to do/peckish/thirsty/injured/don’t know what to wear/don’t want to get dressed or wash etc.

It may be a very long day… 

 

Not sure if she is meant to look like a paraplegic