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Eras at an end & unanswered questions

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It’s been a week of endings, some of them more disappointing than others.  ‘Game of Thrones’ was never going to end the way everyone wanted, but it’s not like the groundwork for the anti-climax hasn’t been laid over the last 10 years.



Daenerys said she did not wish to become Queen of the Ashes. But that’s exactly what she was – for about half an hour until she got the sharp stab of Jon’s Valyrian steel (and not in a good way).

Weirdo Bran might be the all-seeing oracle but I reckon everybody’s favourite mad red witch knew what was coming 2 episodes ago and thought “Fuck This for a copout!” and that’s why she binned her magic necklace and crumbled to dust rather than stick around for the ending, especially that twee bit with Sam Tarly’s book ‘A song of ice and fire’.

FUCK OFF HBO Sam may as well have winked directly at the camera like something from Fleabag!


Bollocks to this shit – I’m ooot!


Ygritte had the right idea 3 seasons ago

The finale was what it was.
   I was prepared for disappointment and was not disappointed. We were promised the answers to questions long asked but all I really wanted to know was where is Hot Pie and is he still doing okay in that pub? Does he still have time for the gravy? (There’s always time for gravy).  And of course – this…



Meanwhile, ‘The Santa Clarita Diet’ has been cancelled after leaving us on a cliffhanger at the end of season 3 and oh yeah in real news – our strong and stable leader has announced her departure as of June 7th. Theresa May Resignation Speech in Full

At this stage, the runners and riders for her replacement are not particularly inspiring confidence either.  Hot Pie for King and Hot Pie for PM! Vote for Hot Pie. Or that dude who was dressed as Elmo one year. Or buckethead man who was like a bargain basement Ser Gregor the Mountain (am back on Thrones again, sorry).


Can I get a FFS??


In other news. It’s Sunday and in the spirit of ongoing cash cow sagas, we are rewatching Star Wars ‘The Last Jedi’ because we couldn’t remember what happens in it, or why?  Questions asked throughout, Eddie Izzard style, thus far, have included such conundrums as “Do they have different toilets on board to suit all the different species of alien?” Amidst speculation that Admiral Akbar’s ablutions would be worse than Princess Leia’s. I said that was racist and sexist and possibly intergalacticist (if there is such I thing), which I expect there is these days.
Also, considering you never see any cleaners aboard the space ships, they are always spotless.  Are there cleaning droids? or do tabard-wearing ladies appear with hoovers and a roll of bin bags when nobody is looking, like at Disneyland?  Death Star Canteen – Eddie Izzard


And like the psychic mediums always say… “I shall leave that with you my love”.

Ciao for now MoFos. Have a lovely Bank Holiday Xx






Not sure what to call this one ….Part #2

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I’m watching the ‘Ted Bundy Tapes’ on Netflix, as I do like a serial killer story. Fascinating stuff from a psychological point of view.

“He was a polite man. Always so charismatic,  a  member of the church, he said hello to old ladies and put his bins out on time. Who would have thought that he was a homicidal sexual predator?”

Not to be confused with Al Bundy of course…



Meanwhile… the follow up to Bman’s night out almost beggars belief.

Strap yourselves in MoFos and keep all limbs inside the car at all times…



I get a text shortly after midnight 




I heard him come in this morning and he most considerately left me to it and slept on the sofa. When I got up to make the essential first coffee of the day, he was awake and tinkling on his phone, so I asked him how it had gone.

Here follows an approximation of that conversation. None of which is made up, exaggerated or embellished:-

Me:  “Good night then?

Bman:  “Wow you would have not been able to keep a straight face”

Me:  “I’ll bet”

Bman:  “The woman on the door asked me what colour wristband I wanted after I had to give my password” (not, I repeat, not, ‘Juliet Bravo’). LOL 


Me:  “What like?”

Bman:  “Green, Amber or Red”

Me:  “So Green for game, Amber for possibly. Red for back off – that type of shiz?”

Bman:  “Yup. Green was for ok to touch. Amber for thinking about it. Red for Keep the fuck away from me”

Me:  “Wow.  Good idea, we should use that in everyday life.  So what colour did you go for?”

Bman:  “Green”

Me:  “Did you?  Wow, get you!”

Bman:  “I didn’t want to look rude”

Me:  “No of course not” (sniggering)

Bman:  “There was this *dude there, fat like me but shorter. He had like leather belt things crossed over his naked chest – you would have laughed”.

Me:  “What like that dude on Star Wars who cries when that monster dies in Jedi?”

Bman: “A bit yeah…”


Bman:  “He said he was glad there was someone else there his age and I was like ‘Fuck Off man, I’m younger than you’.  There was also a table with 3 bottles of Rola Cola on it.  I did see the condoms but I didn’t take any.”

*Since then Bman has told me this guy’s name but barred me from writing it on here.

Me:  “OoooohKaaaaaay! So were there disableds there then ?”

Bman: “Oh yeah, I saw one guy in a wheelchair wanking this other guy off on the dance floor, just going for it, right there.”

Me:  “WHAT NOW?  Where was this place again?

Bman:  “Meanwood. I ripped my trousers on a door frame”

Me:  “I’m not surprised”

Bman:  “There were lots of lipstick lesbians going for it on the dance floor.  They kept touching me”

Me:  “Well that’s what you get for choosing a green wristband.  Define ‘going for it’ BTW. Enquiring minds need to know.

Bman:  “Dancing. Going for it. But feeling one another up and that”

Me:  ” Right OK. Touching you, you say?  Did they think you were a bird?”

Bman:  “NO!”

Me:  “You sure?”

Bman:  “Fuck off!

Bman:  “So I left and went to the garage to see if they had any tonic because there was none for sale at the small bar thing.  I knew I hadn’t taken enough booze. The Bucky on the bus hadn’t touched the sides”

Me:  “I hope you didn’t say anything about things not touching the sides in there did you?” (Now coughing with laughter). Also I think no tonic at the bar was the least of your worries.

Bman: “No! but then I sat with someone I knew in  like a store cupboard thing”

Me:  “I’ll bet you did”

Bman:  “There was this corridor with loads of doors off it”

Me:  “See” A sex party. I told you!”

Bman:  “I did try some of the doors but they were locked”

Me:  “Yeah, they saw you coming and locked them” (much chortling at this point)

Bman: “So I was talking to my mate in this store cupboard thing and then it was finished and the lights were on, so I went to find my coat but it wasn’t where I left it behind this speaker”

Me:  “Right”

Bman:  “So I said to the bird who’s organized it that some cunt has nicked my coat. But then I saw it on the floor just crumpled up like a carrier bag or something. It was all dirty and covered in like jizz or something”

Me:  “Jesus!  Someone used your coat as a bed”

Bman:  “It’s probably not. I think it might be chalk, it was white.”

Me:  “Throw it in the bin Brew. It’ll be jizz” (now almost choking with laughter).

Bman:  “My hat was in the pocket. I’d have been gutted if that was gone”

Me:  “Burn the coat and the hat Brew!”

Bman:  “When I left, the 72 bus was there at the bus station so I was made up. But then he shut the doors on me and drove off”

Me:  “I’m not surprised if he’d seen you in your crumpled jizz jacket”

Bman:  “So I ran up the Headrow to catch it at the next stop and I almost died, running and the cunt didn’t stop”

Me:  “I’m still not surprised. I’d have done the same”  (visions of Uncle Fester chasing a bus up the High Street at this point).

Bman:  “The music was really good though”

Me:  “Well, that’s the main thing eh?”

Bman:  “The night was called ‘Flesh Intentions’. I didn’t want to tell you in case you took the piss”

Me:  “Fooks Saaake. It was a sex party Brew.  A sex party for disabled overweight gay people and you were there. and you hid in a broom cupboard from lesbians”

Bman:  “I’m going to bed now.”

Me: “I would if I were you… but be sure to strip the bed later if you’ve not had a shower.”


True.  Fucking.  Story. People!


When Ian Botham was in the Rebel Alliance

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Actual conversation this morning in Casa Brew:-

Me: It was just total boffins big Brew (I forget what I was referring to)

Bman: Boffins? what like as in “Many Boffins died to bring us this information”

Me:  They weren’t boffins, they were Bothans

Bman: Yeah boffins.

Me: No Both with a Thhhhh not Boff like with a Ffff

Bman: Like B o g g i n s

Me:  That’s boggins honey with a G, that’s not a word

Bman: B o t h a m s ?  Wait no that’s like as in Ian?

Me: Bothans were the Star Wars ones. Boffins are science bods. Botham was a cricketer

Bman: Sure it wasn’t boffins?  Surely the Bothans must have been boffins too then?

Me:  (starts googling jpegs of Bothans and Boffins)



Me:  Anyway, I meant bobbins not boffins, Bothans or Bothams.  Bobbins. It was bobbins*!


This is why we should be on Gogglebox… or not!

We then took Alan Lickman on a planned visit to the vets for a check up on his special eye and for them to have a gander at the swollen lump on his neck which started to form yesterday. On the way up to the vets though,  I detected a rank smell in the car and we thought he might have done a shit in his cat box.  But no… the lump had burst!  

D I S G U S T I N G!

They’ve cleaned him up and he seems a bit more on form although he looks even more like General Woundwort than he did before with his special eye and his ragged face.


How much did I chuckle though when I asked Bman if he’d fed him since they came back and (referring to the liquid cat food we have to give him) he said he’d given him “two soups”

I think we all know what I was picturing in my head.



Hopefully he is still covered by his pet insurance and hasn’t maxed himself out yet.  I will be on the blower to them tomorrow to clarify. I want to know whether or not we are having Christmas or not this year, or we’re all eating cat soups and sleeping in the same bed with our coats on to keep warm because we can’t put the heating on.

Later MoFos Xx

*bobbins = utter rubbish, worthless

No seagulls allowed people

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I decided on a change to the standard Hot Cross Buns and London’s Burning for my recorder lessons this year.

Oh yeah.  Let’s build a mothercluckin snowman dudes!  (and it shall look like Yoda)

Can you feel the force?

Can you feel the force?

My practice session at home just got real though…  the Five-O turned up!


It wasn’t that bad that any crime had been committed – honest!

I warn you!  I remain at large and there’s plenty of ammo left in the old (and I mean old) descant.


When ET played piano at my brother in law’s wedding

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Went to Bman’s brother’s wedding last weekThe childerbeast were a bridesmaid & a flowergirl…which was nice.  The boys all looked smart (but of course just had to pull their usual ‘Buffalo Bill’ pose).

The waiters had a big row and threw things at each other and then started singing… which was a bit confusing but very entertaining.
ET was all suited up and tinkling the ivories in the piano bar.  He disappeared later and was found in the bride and groom’s bed wearing Family Guy underwear.

True story.

Bman was at one point the next morning, the last man to get out of bed,  but with moments to spare before check-out, ‘Uncle Vinny’ of the Irish contingent was wandering the hotel corridor in his underpants.  Well done Bman on not being the last one dressed.



It puts the lotion on its body

It puts the lotion on its body

Be Good

Be Good

It took us about 2 days to recover.  Exhaustion times!

Good luck to them both and I look forward to catching up with them again soon and sitting my new sister down to watch the entire Star Wars saga followed by Jurassic Park.


Since then we’ve been swimming twice.  Note to self: Make sure your handbag is not still on your shoulder when you go through the showers before entering the pool!  FFS!  At least I realized before I dived in eh?  Dumbass!

We’ve also been to watch Jurassic World which was rather scary, not least because the main protagonists clearly had never seen the first movieDidn’t have nightmares this time though, like I did 20 years ago after the 1st one.

Sat watching Bake Off just now.  Biscuits within a box also made of biscuit!  If I was on the show (never going to happen) I’d go for a biscuit box in the shape of a unicorn. The horn could be removed and inside would be tiny biscuits in the shape of rainbows.*


*more likely just crack open a packet of Jaffa cakes.  I can’t cook. I can’t bake.  I’m a bit crap really.



Today was a good day

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(Star Wars die-hards don’t bombard me with fault-finding – I appreciate it was not Master Yoda who said this. I just liked this meme better than the one with Alec Guinness on it.)



Today I was corrected on my punctuation by one of my Catch-Up Literacy students who was, in fact, correct… I had left out an all important comma!
I was also treated to a lesson on persuasive literary devices by other members of my Catch-Up group. 

This disturbance in the force came barely a week after members of staff and level 6 ability students were beaten at the Countdown numbers game by another child in a much lower group.

Who knew there were SO MANY pics of this woman's rear view on google image when you serach for countdown numbers game>?

Who knew there were SO MANY pics of this woman’s rear view on google image when you search for ‘countdown numbers game’?


I feel as though I’m in a parallel universe where it seems that children DO actually listen and can in fact, learn and retain that knowledge.  I think I kinda like it.  Could it BE that we are doing something worthwhile?

Gene Genie, we should retire to that ‘escape  to the country’ now while the going’s good.  Quit while we’re ahead and all that. 

Then just before home time, I was treated to this;

“I thought vegetarians ate meat Miss”

… and the balance was restored anew….  BANG!  Back in the room!

F f f f f f f f f Friday

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French planning for next Wednesday already completed  **licks fingertip and touches face whilst making sizzling sound, whilst simultaneously hearing every Teacher in the land’s voice yelling “Alright for those with only one hour a week’s teaching to plan!”**    

So I’m just browsing t’interweb, as you do on a Friday night with nothing else better to do, and have just realised the exorbitant price of Lego. 

The Childerbeast quite like a bit of the old construction and also have a keen interest in ‘Star Wars’ so I thought I’d check it out with a view to the festive season looming and Mastercard salivating at the prospect.

Seriously!  £125 for a Millennium Falcon!  £200 minimum for a Death Star!  You’ve got to be freakin shitting me? 

For that kind for money I don’t expect to have to build the fucker myself!

What you really want to spend your money on is one of these bad boys:-


Ride-in Dalek - what's not to like?