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Tag Archives: swimming

Big fish in a small pond

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When you work in a pool but you feel like Daryl Hannah in Splash or one of those dolphins at Zoo & MarineLand in Scarborough in 1979 in an inadequately sized tank.

Could do with being out of my depth and spreading out a bit.  Might have to venture to Pudsey Baths in half term which has a 3m deep end (but I’d also quite like to steer clear of chlorine for a week).


Not that manic a Monday

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It’s a tough life not working Mondays anymore.  Sunday night I stayed up late watching episodes of ‘The Haunting of Hill House’ on Netflix, then slept on the sofa as I was too disturbed to go upstairs in the dark.  I stayed where I was with a blanket for protection against invading spectral entities, ensuring none of my body parts was exposed to the air.

This morning I have mostly been planning this weeks swim lessons, texting parents about swim hats and getting sucked into watching clips of Bob Mortimer’s tall tales and unbelievable truths on
‘Would I lie to You?’ after seeing a clip on Twitter about him breaking an egg into his bath after advice from Chris Rea (as you do).

With encouragement from Bman I then had a go at breaking an apple in half with my bare hands.  With my jar & bottle opening skills, I thought it might be a given.  However, sadly not. I only succeeded in breaking a chunk off and spraying mushed apple bits and juice all over the living room rug.  Perhaps I need more practice or a bigger apple.


I also perhaps need to think about working more hours or taking up an active hobby.  

My current project is trying to prove that our technology is listening to us.  So me and the Childerbeast are seeing how soon we start to see adverts pop up on Spotify, eBay or FB for anything to do with badminton if we keep mentioning the word in general conversation.


I’ll let you know how that pans out.


Ciao Ciao Xx


Someone tell me what to do

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If anyone could sort me out with winning lotto numbers so I can stay home watching ‘Bondi Rescue’ and ‘There’s a ghost up my arse’ or whatever, while doing my step machine and occasionally ironing, then that’d be great.


I’ve been researching other potential career prospects.  So far this is my list:-

*Continue being a HLTA.
*More swim teaching (skin & hair getting buggered up).
*Retraining as a Retained Reflexes Therapist.
*Setting up own ghost hunting company (market pretty saturated right now though).
*Hiring self out as Humanist celebrant (clashes somewhat with supernatural beliefs.
and also costs a stupid amount of money to ‘train’ to write ceremonies).
*1:1 TA work for SEN pupils.
*Write bestselling novel & sell the movie rights – relocate to LA.
*Setting up mobile beer van with pal “Oldies with Coldies” & doing the festy circuit.

My list of credentials is a sorry state of oddities indeed:-

*8 GCSEs.
*2 A levels.
*Some Secretarial qualification I forget the name of that included a proficiency.
certificate in the art of ‘WordStar4’ (a long defunct word processing program).
*NVQs in Childcare Learning & Development and Support Teaching & Learning.
*Higher Level Teaching Assistant status.
*ASA Swimming National Curriculum Training Program Levels 1&2.
*STA Award in Swim Teaching.
*STA Pool Safety Award.
*Diploma in Parapsychology (I shit you not).
*Diploma in Demonology (fact. It’s true – bring it on Beelzebub).
*Am also an ordained Humanist Celebrant (god bless the Internet).

I must be able to do something different with that lot – surely Shirley? Or a mish-mash of it all – a bit like I am now, but with more structure & less hours.
The thought of being self-employed scares me though. What about holidays? Tax? Sick pay? But I don’t want to work for some big corporate gig either.  


I do need a change though. I need to do something exciting. Am starting to feel a little stagnant – like an old pond.


Maybe I need to invent some kind of anti-snoring device (before I throttle Bman with the cord of my MP3 headphones, because seriously? I can still hear you man). 





It’s ok to just be ok

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So.  I’ve had enough of trying to accommodate some people.  If people want to be my friend and be a good friend, then they know where I am. They know how to contact me.  I’m pretty much done with always being the one to make first contact.  People are busy I know. People have their own lives.  Sure. But it doesn’t take a moment to spare someone a thought and drop them a text, whatsapp or messenger or whatever.

With that in mind I know a couple of heads I need to reconnect with and I shall go old school and telephone them at the weekend.


Meanwhile, I’ll go to school.  Teach my lessons as per my plans.  Change them as and when I need to.  I’ll mark, I’ll come home. I’ll go to bed. Sleep the sleep of the just – possibly unjustly. Or maybe I’ll lay awake pondering about life, the universe and everything. 

I’ll teach my swim classes on Thursdays and Fridays and hope nobody drowns and the parents don’t think I’m a complete fucktard.  If they rebook the classes then I’ll know I’m doing alright.  If they take their business elsewhere and I end up being asked to leave then I’ll know it’s not for me.

And that’s fine.  It’ll be what it’ll be.


I’ll cook and clean and keep house and parent as best I can and that’s the way it will go week after week.

Every now and then I’ll do something different. Like on Saturday when I went to Chester and took my mum and sister out for afternoon tea for Mothers’ Day.



Once in a while the planets will align and the gods and goddesses of all that is mysterious and magical will smile upon me and, after a pointless tiff with Bman,  he will apologise like this.

And that’s okay (although the spelling and grammar is NOT).
It’s okay to just be okay.




When ET played piano at my brother in law’s wedding

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Went to Bman’s brother’s wedding last weekThe childerbeast were a bridesmaid & a flowergirl…which was nice.  The boys all looked smart (but of course just had to pull their usual ‘Buffalo Bill’ pose).

The waiters had a big row and threw things at each other and then started singing… which was a bit confusing but very entertaining.
ET was all suited up and tinkling the ivories in the piano bar.  He disappeared later and was found in the bride and groom’s bed wearing Family Guy underwear.

True story.

Bman was at one point the next morning, the last man to get out of bed,  but with moments to spare before check-out, ‘Uncle Vinny’ of the Irish contingent was wandering the hotel corridor in his underpants.  Well done Bman on not being the last one dressed.



It puts the lotion on its body

It puts the lotion on its body

Be Good

Be Good

It took us about 2 days to recover.  Exhaustion times!

Good luck to them both and I look forward to catching up with them again soon and sitting my new sister down to watch the entire Star Wars saga followed by Jurassic Park.


Since then we’ve been swimming twice.  Note to self: Make sure your handbag is not still on your shoulder when you go through the showers before entering the pool!  FFS!  At least I realized before I dived in eh?  Dumbass!

We’ve also been to watch Jurassic World which was rather scary, not least because the main protagonists clearly had never seen the first movieDidn’t have nightmares this time though, like I did 20 years ago after the 1st one.

Sat watching Bake Off just now.  Biscuits within a box also made of biscuit!  If I was on the show (never going to happen) I’d go for a biscuit box in the shape of a unicorn. The horn could be removed and inside would be tiny biscuits in the shape of rainbows.*


*more likely just crack open a packet of Jaffa cakes.  I can’t cook. I can’t bake.  I’m a bit crap really.



Breakdowns and birthdays

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After a poor mental start to the week with a minor breakdown in the shed and then the following night a rather more vocal one in the house…


… I deleted Facebook and the BBC News app from my Kindle, to make access to the World Wide Web of shame, shenanegins & shite, a lot harder. I will have to put much more effort into reading about what my friends are drinking/eating/watching/feeling and whatever hideousness has gone on in the world.



I am feeling a lot less like a loonbag today after channeling my inner Esther Williams at yet another local pool.  Think I will systematically work my way around all the pools in the region to try and find my favourite.

We almost didn’t get in at all when the receptionist mistook my youngest for a boy and almost refused her entry to the women’s and girls only session.  Poor Al.  AKA Sonny Jim.


Was showing my youngest and her friend a dive and seeing if I could make it all the way to the other end under water. When I surfaced (I was short by about 3 metres) the lifeguard lady gave me a big thumbs up and shouted “Hey, do you want a job?”


I do.

That would be awesome.



It’s my eldest girl’s birthday today.  This time 12 years ago I was sat in LGI, literally holding the baby and wondering “WTF!  How am I supposed to look after this tiny thing?”  A dozen years later and I haven’t managed to completely break her, traumatize her or psychologically damage her beyond repair yet.   So far so good.

I don’t know what happened to the little girl who wanted everything Moshi Monster?  This year she wanted a windows smart phone (that I could happily have hurled out of the window this morning when trying to set the fucker up!)  Bloody technology.  The more it seems to evolve, the more I seem to hate it.  The only reason I continue to write this blog is because it’s like talking to myself without actually having to open my mouth.

I’m sure I’d be much happier if I was a dolphin. Just swimming about, eating fish and laughing away all day long.


New toys and malaise

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So I finally bought a new camera yesterday.  The past 24 hours have mainly consisted of my being up in my family’s grill and mumbling things like “No No No, not that setting!” or “Man alive! I don’t want it on disco pop mode!”

Here are a few of my test shots.

Us laughing at how long it took R to take this shot

Us laughing at how long it took R to take this shot


Degu playtime

Degu playtime

G-Meister.  Still alive!

G-Meister. Still alive!

A takes a better shot than R

A takes a better shot than R


Looking forward to firing off several hundred more shots on Saturday at my niece’s 3rd birthday party.



The half term is almost over and essentially this week I have done nothing constructive. Well, we have been swimming twice and the second time we did walk to the pool.  I have also done some rudimentary planning for next term, so it hasn’t all been total bone-idleness.  I did think yesterday that I was coming down with a cold but the minute I mentioned this to Bman he immediately took it from me via osmosis and I now feel fine.  He, of course, has developed the Man-Flu according to a text I got from him earlier – an illness so strangely virulent that it can render the patient chronically decrepit, yet does not appear to affect their ability to complain about how ill they are or make random, loud & attention-seeking man noises.  I await his return from work with the kettle on permanent boil for Lemsips.