Time for the annual round-up of the year in news stories, pictorial, musical, and meme-based form.
Clearly, the news story of the year (well the past two years TBH) is bloody Brexit. Well, fuck all that. Nobody knows what’s going to happen there and after this long, I’m not sure anybody cares anymore. Yet still, people are trying to get into this country in inflatable dinghies. Why? I’m not entirely sure…
Meanwhile, for those of us convincing ourselves that we’re going on a health kick in the new year (yawn), let this lady be our inspiration… World’s strongest Vajayjay
World’s Strongest Vagina – and if that’s not a pitch for TV show for Channel 5 then I don’t know what is! Women from around the world compete to lift and throw various items with their undersmiles. If we’re not all lifting, nay, opening, jars of Marmite and cans of beans with our twats by this time next year then I feel we haven’t put enough effort into it. My aim is to lift, open and spread the Marmite onto my toasted soldiers and dip those bad boys into my boiled egg! Pulling trucks with it. The lot! Go big or go home y’all!
(hands up who is clenching and unclenching right this moment – yeah you are, don’t deny it).
Highlights of the year for me was probably seeing Die Antwoord at Boomtown Fair. Right up there in my top lifetime moments. Enter the Ninja
Shambala was, as ever, a brilliant 4 days too. That time I jumped into a cloth vagina onto a pile of strangers shouting “Wassup Cunts!” Am already looking forward to next years Adventures in Utopia and I apologize in advance to my Childerbeast for being an ’embarrassing mum’ (but TBH I often relish it, just to annoy you).
Early in the year, I started a second job, teaching swimming. Then in July, I left my job of ten years to do it for my actual job and as my own business! No danger of becoming a millionaire anytime soon. I’m happy if I make enough to pay my bills with a bit left over each month if I’m honest. Mentally though, much happier and a lot less grouchy, even if I am constantly damp and stinking of chlorine.
What will 2019 bring?
Got some gigs to go to. Visits booked with old mates. Hopefully, there’ll be more ghost investigations to do. Family holiday booked for summer. It’s Rho’s GCSE year! My baby bird is so grown up. I’ve got that prom dress to ‘Molly Ringwald’ to the max so she can actually wear it in June!
Resolutions? Nah, balls to that. Am going to try and be a bit healthier, not as a New Year resolution but as basic common sense really.
Be nice, be kind, laugh more, sprinkle some fun into peoples lives; have a ‘pile on’ with sibs and friends; reconnect with people in real life instead of just ‘liking’ their posts on ArseBook. Be silly, do something you’ve not done in ages or never done before (but not kiddie fiddling, robbing grannies or kicking dogs or anything). Get a tattoo, learn to swim (I can help you with that), take up a hobby, wrestle in glitter, talk to a homeless person, quit your crappy job and get a new one.
Choose Life people!