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Tag Archives: taxidermy

Why would you not want a quad riding squirrel?

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I could happily plough on here about the ineptitude of my local supermarket and their unfailing ability to consistently mis-label items.
I could mention the new bathroom vanity mirror purchased last weekend with a crucial element missing from the box.
I could go on about their
“2 for £5” offers that are invariably not “2 for £5”.  I could tell you about having to return the incomplete mirror and having to ask to be reimbursed the difference for the “£2 for £5” items which I had actually been charged £6.50 for.
I could name and shame the employee at Customer Services who used a calculator (
I shit you not) to work out how much I should be refunded as he clacked away subtracting £5 from £6.50.
I could also tell you how, once I had a new mirror in hand and my £1.50 refund, I (foolishly) went into the store to make further purchase. I then ended up back at Customer Services 10 minutes later, getting another refund, after being overcharged for a pack of disposable razors because the till jockey
couldn’t “do itdespite it being her error…. 

                              but I won’t…

Instead I thought I’d talk about Collectaholics on BBC2 last night.
Not a show I would usually go for, but after receiving texts pretty much simultaneously from 2 different friends in 2 different areas of the country saying “BBC2 quick!” or words to that effect – I had to watch.
I was expecting something about deformities, weirdos who dress as badgers or old men who go on dates with donkeys or something – but no!  It was about a man who collects taxidermied animals and how this was becoming more fashionable again these days.

Right up my street.  My friends know me well.

To be honest, his collection, despite being vast, was a bit too sensible for me.  There wasn’t a winged rabbit to be seen or nearly enough alligators in waistcoats and jaunty hats.

Naturally this led to a conversation on the couch with Bman about what kind of amusing tableau we could create with the cats, once they have both slipped this mortal coil.  Some kind of battle scene to replicate how they usually spend their waking hours I think.  I’m seeing a Star Wars element here with light sabres and Jedi robes.  (BTW I love that spellcheck insisted I change jedi to a capital letter then).  Or maybe something with a fez and cravat and duelling pistols.

I will eat your face as you sleep!

I will eat your face as you sleep

I'm so daft I don't even know I have anything on my head.

I’m so daft I don’t even know I have anything on my head.

I already have Bman earmarked as a chest of drawers when he goes.  I’ll have him arranged in that daft stance he does when posing for pictures at famous landmarks or family gatherings.  I may even have some kind of motion sensor installed and have him pre-record some choice phrases to go off at will so nobody forgets him.
Fart noises  like an outboard motor starting up for example. Or stock Bman phrases like
“Did you have your glasses on when you washed up?”  “What are you doing it like that for?”  “HOW MUCH??” or  “Steady as a toad!”

I’ll have him in the hallway as a deterrent to burglars and hawkers like those cardboard policemen they have in the Pound Shop.


Naturally I then ended up looking ont’ Tintertube for courses in how to learn taxidermy.  (As you do).

£550 and there’s a bloody waiting list!

I then of course deferred to our old friend Captain eBay and found these choice items, just in time for Mother’s Day.  Indeed some of them even had such a recommendation on their listing
– “Unusual Mother’s Day Gift Idea”…..



Tentatively titled "The spirit of Tyersal"

Tentatively titled “The spirit of Tyersal”

Back from the Boro & feeling fine

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Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, oh I do like to be beside the sea.

Back on full power after dipping my toes in the north bay of the homeland.  Not much live wildlife to be seen in the rockpools, but The Bear did find a Peugeot key ring – no car to go with it though.  Childerbeast also had a good lesson in tidal education when they almost got cut off because they weren’t listening to me.  Eventually coaxed them back to safety, despite their insistence that they check out some other rocks.  I asked them to count while they looked at the sand island they had just been on –  20 seconds later, it was gone and I got to say See!

Watch out for that incoming tide kids

Occasionally… mum knows best.

Didn’t venture into town at all this visit.  In all honesty, the calibre of grockle I witnessed, excessively drinking at 1030 on the train on the way there, put me off going anywhere near any touristy areas.  Incidentally, most of them boarded the train at Leeds!  Usually I’m more than happy to slate the Wezzies, but I’m afraid they might set Nicola Adams on me, and I need way more time on my shed punchbag before I’d be happy to take her on!

Spent Wednesday in Whitby introducing the MiL and childerbeast to the brilliance of Whitby Museum.  You may remember I raved about this place after our 2011 Residential visit.  I was keen to share the joy and have another look around.  Frankly, anywhere you can see a stuffed crocodile in a patriotic waistcoat holding a Union Jack flag is worth the £4 door tax any day.  Well worth a visit just for the fantastic Fossil collection, even some from the (you couldn’t make it up) Kirkdale Caves excavation, when a veritable Noah’s Ark of animal bones was discovered in a cave near Helmsley!

This time around I got to see so much more and the staff were fabulous.  Notable in their absence last time we went (doubtless barricaded in the staff room hiding from us and our hoard of 2-dozen 11 year olds!)  This time, they couldn’t have been more helpful and friendly.  Even the big cheese was brought out of his office to chat to us after the MiL commented that the museum was not as well advertised as it should be.  

I stuck my two-penneth in about the glaring omissions from the gift store – namely; miniature Tempest Prognosticator key rings; replica but working Truant’s clog and a Hand of Glory backscratcher/ashtray/tealight holder/earrings etc. 

In fairness, he didn’t flinch and even agreed and said he’d already suggested Hand of Glory gingerbread biscuits in the Tea Rooms downstairs, but they weren’t going for it.  I’d totally buy one of them (& I don’t even like gingerbread!)

In the end I had to settle for a Hand of Glory fridge magnet.

Every fridge should have one!

As that old saying goes about learning something new every day, I discovered during conversation with the MiL (as we looked at the stuffed seabird collection) that as a 12 year old she’d belonged to a Taxidermy Club.

Hold the fecking phone! 

A Taxidermy Club?  Apparently they frequented Bempton Cliffs looking for dead birds then took them back to Woodend Museum in Scarborough and stuffed & mounted them in various poses and tableau.  Now THAT is the kind of distraction for the young that you just don’t see enough of these days.    If there were more clubs like that on offer it would surely divert the bored and restless youth of today away from thoughts of wanton crime and mindless rioting during the summer holidays.  The possibilities for modern roadkill are endless.  Stuff ’em, mount ’em and get ’em dressed up:   Badger Boris Johnson (complete with harness & zipwire); Weasel Rooney with a harem of sluttishly-attired weasel hookers; Urban Fox Beyoncé;  Squirrel Nick Clegg… I could go on…   Bloody brilliant!

My distraction for the day after watching the diving this morning and the finals tonight will mostly consist of curtain tweaking as my new neighbours move in across the road.  All new fat Baldy and his big-bootied wife.  They have two young men with them (“Ooooh young man!”) and I am trying to discreetly tell if they are (a) also moving in  and (b) if they are fit or just portraying the illusion of being so.  They look quite chavvy but Hell, I’m in Tyersal here, not the Hollywood Hills and to be fair, I am also wearing shorts and a sparkly parrot T shirt.  Chavtastic! 

Perhaps I need to go out and put something in the bin or tickle about in the front garden for a more optimum vantage point  (or perhaps I should just get a life!)


Ciao darlings Xx