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Tag Archives: Ted Bundy

When I wasn’t kidnapped by a lunatic and didn’t have to go home naked

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So since I went ghostbusting last weekend not much has happened TBH.
I did run for the bus twice in one day and not piss myself though, so that’s a massive success at my age! Proves that the old pelvic floor exercises are working. I’ll be opening that Marmite jar before you know it. (See this entry from January this year World’s strongest Vajayjay)


Also managed to take 2 hours to get home on Saturday thanks to the 508 being an utter bastard. WYMetro FFS! It’s all very well having digital bus timetables telling passengers how long it is until the bus comes, but if you’re stood waiting, watching it countdown from 14 minutes to DUE and then the fucker doesn’t turn up – it would be an understatement to say how annoying that is. Especially when it happens twice.
Ended up getting a 72 and sharing a taxi the rest of the way with a random lady I got chatting to at the bus stop.  In retrospect she could have been a serial killer with an elaborate ruse to lure me to her underground sexual torture bunker. A female cross between Ted Bundy and Josef Fritzl or Tubbs trying to get a wife for David. 


Luckily she either wasn’t a serial killer or she is, and didn’t fancy the cut of my jib (or the all pervading whiff of chlorine).


Yesterday I had a micro drama at work when I got out at the end of my classes to discover that the key was no longer there for my locked locker. I keep it in my phone case on a stool at poolside but it wasn’t there at 7pm. I suspect it may have come out of the case and fallen into the pool and gone down the side of the bench.  


It’s not my nude day

After an initial panic and an offer from a swim parent to have a go at cracking the lock with a screwdriver, I managed to find a spare key in the office so was able to get dressed. At least I didn’t have to go home on the bus with my parka on over my damp swimwear or wrapped in a towel.  Bman’s car was in the garage so he wouldn’t have been able to come collect me if I’d rung him.


I’m sure it will turn up somewhere random eventually.


Think I might venture into Leeds tomorrow in an attempt to not sit at home on my day off, snacking gratuitously.  Otherwise by Christmas I will look like Baymax from Big Hero 6.


Must stop eating my own homemade cereal bars

Not sure what to call this one ….Part #2

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I’m watching the ‘Ted Bundy Tapes’ on Netflix, as I do like a serial killer story. Fascinating stuff from a psychological point of view.

“He was a polite man. Always so charismatic,  a  member of the church, he said hello to old ladies and put his bins out on time. Who would have thought that he was a homicidal sexual predator?”

Not to be confused with Al Bundy of course…



Meanwhile… the follow up to Bman’s night out almost beggars belief.

Strap yourselves in MoFos and keep all limbs inside the car at all times…



I get a text shortly after midnight 




I heard him come in this morning and he most considerately left me to it and slept on the sofa. When I got up to make the essential first coffee of the day, he was awake and tinkling on his phone, so I asked him how it had gone.

Here follows an approximation of that conversation. None of which is made up, exaggerated or embellished:-

Me:  “Good night then?

Bman:  “Wow you would have not been able to keep a straight face”

Me:  “I’ll bet”

Bman:  “The woman on the door asked me what colour wristband I wanted after I had to give my password” (not, I repeat, not, ‘Juliet Bravo’). LOL 


Me:  “What like?”

Bman:  “Green, Amber or Red”

Me:  “So Green for game, Amber for possibly. Red for back off – that type of shiz?”

Bman:  “Yup. Green was for ok to touch. Amber for thinking about it. Red for Keep the fuck away from me”

Me:  “Wow.  Good idea, we should use that in everyday life.  So what colour did you go for?”

Bman:  “Green”

Me:  “Did you?  Wow, get you!”

Bman:  “I didn’t want to look rude”

Me:  “No of course not” (sniggering)

Bman:  “There was this *dude there, fat like me but shorter. He had like leather belt things crossed over his naked chest – you would have laughed”.

Me:  “What like that dude on Star Wars who cries when that monster dies in Jedi?”

Bman: “A bit yeah…”


Bman:  “He said he was glad there was someone else there his age and I was like ‘Fuck Off man, I’m younger than you’.  There was also a table with 3 bottles of Rola Cola on it.  I did see the condoms but I didn’t take any.”

*Since then Bman has told me this guy’s name but barred me from writing it on here.

Me:  “OoooohKaaaaaay! So were there disableds there then ?”

Bman: “Oh yeah, I saw one guy in a wheelchair wanking this other guy off on the dance floor, just going for it, right there.”

Me:  “WHAT NOW?  Where was this place again?

Bman:  “Meanwood. I ripped my trousers on a door frame”

Me:  “I’m not surprised”

Bman:  “There were lots of lipstick lesbians going for it on the dance floor.  They kept touching me”

Me:  “Well that’s what you get for choosing a green wristband.  Define ‘going for it’ BTW. Enquiring minds need to know.

Bman:  “Dancing. Going for it. But feeling one another up and that”

Me:  ” Right OK. Touching you, you say?  Did they think you were a bird?”

Bman:  “NO!”

Me:  “You sure?”

Bman:  “Fuck off!

Bman:  “So I left and went to the garage to see if they had any tonic because there was none for sale at the small bar thing.  I knew I hadn’t taken enough booze. The Bucky on the bus hadn’t touched the sides”

Me:  “I hope you didn’t say anything about things not touching the sides in there did you?” (Now coughing with laughter). Also I think no tonic at the bar was the least of your worries.

Bman: “No! but then I sat with someone I knew in  like a store cupboard thing”

Me:  “I’ll bet you did”

Bman:  “There was this corridor with loads of doors off it”

Me:  “See” A sex party. I told you!”

Bman:  “I did try some of the doors but they were locked”

Me:  “Yeah, they saw you coming and locked them” (much chortling at this point)

Bman: “So I was talking to my mate in this store cupboard thing and then it was finished and the lights were on, so I went to find my coat but it wasn’t where I left it behind this speaker”

Me:  “Right”

Bman:  “So I said to the bird who’s organized it that some cunt has nicked my coat. But then I saw it on the floor just crumpled up like a carrier bag or something. It was all dirty and covered in like jizz or something”

Me:  “Jesus!  Someone used your coat as a bed”

Bman:  “It’s probably not. I think it might be chalk, it was white.”

Me:  “Throw it in the bin Brew. It’ll be jizz” (now almost choking with laughter).

Bman:  “My hat was in the pocket. I’d have been gutted if that was gone”

Me:  “Burn the coat and the hat Brew!”

Bman:  “When I left, the 72 bus was there at the bus station so I was made up. But then he shut the doors on me and drove off”

Me:  “I’m not surprised if he’d seen you in your crumpled jizz jacket”

Bman:  “So I ran up the Headrow to catch it at the next stop and I almost died, running and the cunt didn’t stop”

Me:  “I’m still not surprised. I’d have done the same”  (visions of Uncle Fester chasing a bus up the High Street at this point).

Bman:  “The music was really good though”

Me:  “Well, that’s the main thing eh?”

Bman:  “The night was called ‘Flesh Intentions’. I didn’t want to tell you in case you took the piss”

Me:  “Fooks Saaake. It was a sex party Brew.  A sex party for disabled overweight gay people and you were there. and you hid in a broom cupboard from lesbians”

Bman:  “I’m going to bed now.”

Me: “I would if I were you… but be sure to strip the bed later if you’ve not had a shower.”


True.  Fucking.  Story. People!