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All Alan wants for Christmas is his 2 front teeth

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So Alan Lickman is now free of jaw wires and is now signed off by the vets. I took him up to the vet on Wednesday morning in the pissing rain. It took longer than usual to walk down Wild Grove as he kept shuffling about in the cat box and impeding my progress.

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National Lampoon times:

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So he is now finally allowed out and we can dispense with the litter tray, thank goodness! Our garden waste bin is now full of cat shit and litter!

Gross.  

In the light of what appears to be the festive season already.  As manifest by the fact that Elton John is trying the get us to spend money at John Lewis and people are fighting in Lidl over giant cuddly carrots – me, Bman and Linda are going on a night out next week to see ‘Threads’ on the big screen plus a Q&A afterward with actor Reece Dinsdale.  Threads at Halifax Square Chapel

Christmassy!

I wonder if there’ll be popcorn, or whether we just get to eat dead sheep off the floor or eat from unlabelled tins of generic meat?

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When Ian Botham was in the Rebel Alliance

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Actual conversation this morning in Casa Brew:-

Me: It was just total boffins big Brew (I forget what I was referring to)

Bman: Boffins? what like as in “Many Boffins died to bring us this information”

Me:  They weren’t boffins, they were Bothans

Bman: Yeah boffins.

Me: No Both with a Thhhhh not Boff like with a Ffff

Bman: Like B o g g i n s

Me:  That’s boggins honey with a G, that’s not a word

Bman: B o t h a m s ?  Wait no that’s like as in Ian?

Me: Bothans were the Star Wars ones. Boffins are science bods. Botham was a cricketer

Bman: Sure it wasn’t boffins?  Surely the Bothans must have been boffins too then?

Me:  (starts googling jpegs of Bothans and Boffins)

 

 

Me:  Anyway, I meant bobbins not boffins, Bothans or Bothams.  Bobbins. It was bobbins*!

 

This is why we should be on Gogglebox… or not!

We then took Alan Lickman on a planned visit to the vets for a check up on his special eye and for them to have a gander at the swollen lump on his neck which started to form yesterday. On the way up to the vets though,  I detected a rank smell in the car and we thought he might have done a shit in his cat box.  But no… the lump had burst!  

D I S G U S T I N G!

They’ve cleaned him up and he seems a bit more on form although he looks even more like General Woundwort than he did before with his special eye and his ragged face.

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How much did I chuckle though when I asked Bman if he’d fed him since they came back and (referring to the liquid cat food we have to give him) he said he’d given him “two soups”

I think we all know what I was picturing in my head.

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Hopefully he is still covered by his pet insurance and hasn’t maxed himself out yet.  I will be on the blower to them tomorrow to clarify. I want to know whether or not we are having Christmas or not this year, or we’re all eating cat soups and sleeping in the same bed with our coats on to keep warm because we can’t put the heating on.

Later MoFos Xx

*bobbins = utter rubbish, worthless

My mangey pussy & 20 seconds to comply

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Had to take the eldest cat to the vets after work on Friday. because she is suffering from a bad case of scabby skin.
I was all of a sweat lather as I had to get home sharpish after Mexican Mayhem Harvest afternoon at work. (I hadn’t even cooked, I just turned up with my class, chatted up the natives and took photos for the website – but I was still hot & bothered). I had to walk with the cat in the pet carrier because Bman was at the garage picking up the car after its MOT.  I felt like Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation when his aunt gives him a cat wrapped up in a box. She was jiggling about a lot and it was cumbersome to carry.  It got worse when I realized half-way down Wild Grove that she’d done a shit and was trying to get out of the box to escape it.  It bloody stank!

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Slightly embarrassing taking her into the surgery and apologizing for the stench.  The nurse was fine of course, probably quite used to being elbow deep in animal shite for a living.  Seemingly she is ok.  Just an allergy to a flea bite so needed a bit of a flea treatment. (The cat not the nurse).  I don’t really understand though how last time we took Alan Lickman to the vet he had 2 sprays of flea treatment and we got stiffed £13.  This time, we got 2 vials of treatment – one for each cat and it cost £6.94!  Bloody Herr Klopek, who dealt with us last time must’ve seen us coming!

Yesterday I decided to go into Bradford and make a start on some ‘C-word’ shopping with my eldest offspring. I was hoping she’d photograph me against a background of comedy characters and Royston Vasey types to help me illustrate this blog.  To be honest though, it seemed fairly normal. No drunken old folk falling over after a fight outside the pub and losing their false teeth in the gutter (this actually did happen once). We did see this guy in the Broadway Centre. though.

We watched for a couple of minutes but then I got the fear as I remembered how this shit went down in ‘Robocop’.  I feared for a “You have 20 seconds to comply” moment and steered my daughter out of harms way into Paperchase, where we could “coo” &  “aww” at overpriced novelty useless shiz and ludicrously priced paperclips and rubbers.

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Have these people never seen this movie?

 

 Made it home without hearing a “Hya Miss” from anyone and settled down for an evening listening to thousands of pounds going up in smoke outside for Bonfire Night. We opted to stay in and watch the classic 80’s movie, ‘Heathers’ (my girls needed educating that shows like ‘Pretty Little Liars’ and ‘Mean Girls’ didn’t just invent themselves!)  The alternative would have been to attend the pikey bonfire party at the local pub.  The last time we went to that, my girl was almost hit by a rogue banger and a trip to the loo inside the pub was like being an extra in ‘Shameless’.  I vowed then that I would never go again.  Needless to say it sounded like New Years Eve in Beirut until well after midnight.

Today I have mostly done fuck all except a bit of ironing and made tea.  Right now I am squirming at the brilliant new David Attenborough programme, ‘Planet Earth 2’.  I defy you not to squeal or cringe a little at the marine lizard dudes trying to escape the racing snakes. Get it watched on iplayer if you missed it.  That’s a thing y’all – lizards that swim and fucking racing snakes!  Holy shit!

Mother nature is terrifying and beautiful – a cruel mistress indeed.

Ciao Xx

smelly cat part 2

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So the vet put Gollum under to in order to remove the manky teeth and they found a tumor!

😦

Ill news indeed.

Despite this death sentence (there is nothing they can do) she still seems lively enough.  We have cat painkiller for her (the same stuff Pepper had when she broke her leg).  All we can do now is give her a daily dose to take the edge off, but eventually the tumor will increase in size and once she can no longer eat it will be feline Dignitas times.

16 years old and mine and Bman’s first baby really.  Once she has gone we’ll be left with that crazy hunchback pegleg of a Southern puss, Pepper.  She went nuts when she saw the syringe thing for the liquid painkiller and tried to snatch it from my hands.  Think she remembers it from her daily doses when she was caged up with her Robocop leg.  Freakin’ crack-addict cat!

 

 

Smelly cat Smelly cat, it’s not your fault.

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So, after putting up with Gollum the cat’s death-breath for some time now, yesterday was the final straw.  She had clearly been yakking up bloody spittle, when I found my bed covers looking like a scene from’ Carrie ‘- post prom!

One trip to the vets and, 50 sheets lighter for the privilege, I was told that she had bad breath (no shit there Sherlock) but the reason was tooth decay (and not any of the horrendous cat Ebola type fatal maladies I had spent the evening looking up online).

Note to self:  Told you dozens of times before – do not research illnesses online – no good will come of it!

So she has had an antibiotic jab and has to go back next week to have several teeth removed.  Meanwhile I will have another 350 sheets removed from my wallet.  FFS!

Hopefully she will be fine afterwards and won’t peg out during the anaesthetic 😦

During my cat Ebola death-breath research though I did stumble across this:-   False Teeth for Cats

😀